The worst version of myself

“You almost look surprised to see me, Dead Eyes.”

“Not at all. Actually I could tell you were coming by the sound of every mirror in the area cracking as you got closer.”

“Just as I knew you were already here by the wretched smell clogging up the room.”

“Well, they do say dogs have a strong sense of smell.”

The sneering face in front of me belonged to a long-time friend of Pep’s and a long-time nuisance of mine. Her real name was Ran, if I recalled correctly, but I had never taken the time to care because it was easier to remember her as the Bitchqueen.

She had gone to the same primary school as us years before Pep and I transferred, which meant she was the only familiar face Pep had other than me when we got here. That meant she and I ended up around one another often by proxy, though it quickly became apparent that my presence was an unwelcome one. And I couldn’t exactly say I felt any different towards her.

Honestly, I loathed everything about her. Her smarmy attitude and her stupid appearance. What sort of idiot thinks short blue hair was a good idea? Loser.

“So, my beloved Peppi tells me that you are gonna owe me a favour. Ain’t that right?” The bitchqueen sneered, her arm still slung over Pep’s shoulder.

“Apparently so.” I shot a look over at Pep as I spoke. Don’t look away and whistle, you know the mess you’ve dropped me.

“I have to say, I’m surprised. I didn’t think a selfish old troll like you had the capacity to do something nice for another person. What’s the occasion? You find religion and realise you have a mariana’s trench of sins to pay off or something?”

“Oh please, I’m about as likely to find religion as you are to find a father figure.” I made sure to roll my eyes as dramatically as possible. If 55% of human communication is body language, I wanted every muscle in my body to send the message ‘I despise you’ in no uncertain terms. “You did Pep a solid so I’ll help her pay it back, but that’s it. If I think you’re taking the piss I’m retracting that offer without a second thought, understand?”

“Hmmmm? A favour for Pep out of the goodness of your heart? How out of character. Sounds like you’re going soft, Dead Eyes.”

“Oh, don’t you worry, Bitchqueen. I still have plenty of disdain left in the tank for you.”

A momentary silence dropped over us, me and Bitchqueen staring daggers through one another while Pep just sighed with exasperation.

“Well, I’m sure I’ll think of something I can make you do. Let’s see… I could have you publicly endorse me and retract everything you’ve ever said? Hmm… but having you on my side might actually worsen my reputation… I could use you to do some slave labour in the computer club? Though I’m not sure I want your presence in my safe haven, who knows what sort of infection you might bring…”

“Rot in hell, Bitchqueen.”

“You’re inviting me into your home? A kind gesture, but I’d rather not.”

“Oh? I thought a look into a stable home would do you some good.”

“The only stable thing about your life is your ability to disappoint everyone around you so consistently. If you actually achieved something of value for once I’d worry that you’d implode on the spot.”

“You’d actually worry? I didn’t know you had the capacity. Is there actually some warmth in that stone heart of yours?”

“Only for our dearest Pep here. For reasons beyond my comprehension, it seems she has some sort of attachment to you, even in spite of me telling her you’re a no-good rotten edgy son of a bitch. Unfortunately for me, she might actually be sad if you kicked the bucket.”

“We definitely wouldn’t want that. I’m sure just being around you is damaging enough to her mental health already.”

“Eat an entire dick.”

“Fuck you.”

Incredible. It was still early in the morning and just talking to this insufferable mare had already drained my social battery for the day. Just looking at her sapped my energy.

“...seemed like you two had something to talk about before I arrived, and looking at Dead Eyes’ face is making me nauseous, so I’m gonna bounce. Talk to you later, Peps.”

“I’ll be with you when we’re done!”

Bitchqueen reluctantly removed her arm from Peps shoulder and slinked away, shooting me one last glare before leaving. About time she pissed off, the wanker.

“Why does it always seem like all of my friends hate each other,” Pep said with a bemused sigh.

“Because you have horrible taste in friends.”

“Insulting me and yourself just to insult Ranchan? I think she’d almost respect that.”

“She can keep her respect. I don’t need it.” Honestly, the lower the Bitchqueen’s opinion of me, the better. Nothing good could come of winning her respect.

“Come on, it’s not like you really hate her, right? You bicker with her the same way you do with Saichan and you definitely don’t hate h-”

“She’s nothing like Sai.”

Pep’s eyes went wide for a second, and even I found myself caught off guard by my own knee-jerk reaction. Even if she and I were friends, was I really that defensive of Sai? It didn’t sound like me at all. To so sharply reproach someone, especially Pep, over something they said about another person? That’s hardly my MO. What’s been wrong with me recently?

“...you really do love Saichan, don’t you?” Pep said, a melancholic smile on her face. I twitched at her misunderstanding. Knowing Pep, she would let this silently bug her if I didn’t clear it up. Especially considering a… certain elephant in the room that she had asked me not to address yet.

“...it’s not love. Just… appreciation, I guess.” I averted my gaze from hers, a slight guilt rising up in my throat. “When Sai and I are arguing, it feels like we’re pushing each other up. Challenging each other, I guess. Maybe we’re cruel and blunt about it, but it feels like we’re trying to make each other better in a way. But with Bitchqueen, it doesn’t feel like we’re pushing each other up. More like we’re dragging each other down. Seeing which one of us hits rock bottom first. It’s not challenging. It’s hateful. Destructive.”

“...I see,” Pep replied, that slight sad smile on her face wavering a touch. “I’m sorry… I guess I misread something there…”

I think both Pep and I realised why my reaction to her wrong comparison was so visceral, even if neither of us said it directly.

When I was arguing with Sai, I felt like the best version of myself. With Bitchqueen, I sank to my worst. To compare them was the same as saying there was no difference between me at my best and worst. And if that was the case, what had I even been wasting my time with Sai for?

“...Class is gonna start soon. You should probably head to your seat before you get in trouble. Talk to you more at club?” I said, breaking the following awkward silence. Pep’s smile widened a little, now looking a tad more genuine.

“Yep! See you then. We’ve still got stuff to talk about after all.” Though there was still a somewhat awkward atmosphere, she seemed in a slightly better mood than a moment before. A moment later, she turned away from me and headed back to her seat. “Ranchan! You have today’s maths homework? I kinda sorta skipped it last night…”

With that, my world became silent again, though that silence was drowned out by own dread of the conversation to come that evening.