2nd March 2025 - The Genesis

“Takeda-san, your report is ready. Could you come tomorrow for an appointment with the doctor”

“Was it bad?”

I asked softly. There was an awkward silence.

“I think it would be better for the doctor to explain…”

From the tone, I had a feeling. Not a good one. But pairing with all the symptoms that led me to this check up, I wouldn’t be surprised.

I am no medical student, but even I could tell what I have experienced to be something abnormal, I was just praying it wasn’t something too serious.

Thoughts flowed through my mind, planning how I needed to make adjustments in life. I made a quick Google search on what would be the possible outcomes. Quickly regretted my decision, too many different results. It was like an equation where an input leads to so many outputs. At this point, does it even “function”?

Hmm, maybe not.

It made me reflect on my life. I just passed my 30th birthday a little ago. Some friends told me that the thirties are now the new twenties.

You have collected more wealth, and life has just started. But somehow that line doesn’t resonate to me. To me, it felt like the mid way of my life journey. There was so much that I have been through. Career, personal life, family… I feel like my hair is grey at this point.

To reflect back, I don’t know what to do in life. I don’t know what my end goal would be. How I wish life was like a RPG game. You pick up a sword, walk through the world to save a princess or slay a dragon. Right now, I feel like the NPC that gives you a side quest, or just blurting the same line over and over when interacting.

I am a teacher. That is what I told people when asked about my job. But to be exact, I teach in a cram school. I always remember the expressions on their faces. From slightly amused, to somewhat disgusted. It was as if I was doing something illegal. I have slowly gotten used to the reception.

It was about 3 years ago since I started teaching. Before that, I worked an office job as well. While it was definitely better paid, I felt miserable. At first, I tried to skip the gatherings after work. My colleagues look at me weird, as if I was a misfit. I tried getting along with them, diverting some of my precious sleeping hours to go drink with them.

I thought it would be a good bonding session. Maybe getting to know them better, forming a better relationship amongst colleagues. Reality is sometimes as disappointing as it gets. All their conversations were just gossip.

“ He slept with another woman behind his wife”

“ They must have had some back-door relationship to get the job”

“ She doesn’t deserve this high of a position”

A few times and I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. I did my job well, but I don’t see myself doing well, mentally, surrounded by others like that. Maybe I just wasn’t cut for such a cut-throat world we’re in. I don't want to indulge myself talking about others. I don’t want to step on others to elevate myself to a better position. I just wanted a simple job that I can work hard, and get paid for.

So I quit my job, spent some time working part-time and freelance. While I was doing some proof-reading for a publisher, I was contacted to teach part-time at a centre. Given the circumstance and opportunity, I agreed.

Spending more time with children opened up another side of me. Workload-wise, it was nothing to scoff at. It also paid way less than my previous work. However, I felt content, a feeling I never had in a while. I felt satisfaction when they eventually opened up, and got hooked on learning new knowledge. The glow in their eyes when they realised their future is limitless, is something I strive for as an educator.

Children? I’m still undecided about having children. On one hand, I think it is a beautiful thing bringing them to this world. On the other hand, I really wish they are going to be happy that they are here. It is a rough world today, given my circumstances, I have no idea if I can guarantee their happiness. Heck, even at 30, I’m not sure if I can guarantee mine.

Thinking about children is probably quite far-fetched for me, still. Been single since forever. It’s not that I had never fallen for someone. But it always was the wrong time to catch feelings.

I had a childhood friend whom I grew up with. We met at Nara when my father was still working there. We went to the same elementary school until my family decided to move back to Tokyo. We kept in touch even after I moved. I would occasionally find excuses to visit her during the holidays. We had a great time together.

We did all things a young couple would have done together, but neither of us confessed. We maintained the relationship as it is because we were young and lived far apart. In my mind, once we enter university, then maybe this can further progress into an actual relationship.

But as we both entered university, life slowly drifted us apart. We were both busy with our studies, school activities and part-time work. We didn’t talk to one another as much. One summer, I mustered up my courage to travel to her university to give her a surprise. I bought flowers and chocolate, thinking this would be my shot. When I saw her, she was talking with another guy. Her actions, the way she gently hit him on the arm. The gleaming eyes when she looked at him. I knew, I had no chance.

Since then, we barely spoke. It wasn’t because I was jealous or envious. I thought that was the least amount of respect I can give to an old friend, moreover, someone I had once caught feelings for.

That scarred me for a bit. I’d always imagined that my love may end in a fairy-tale. It was love at first sight, childhood friend… What more could you ask… It took me some time to reflect on myself, thinking about a lot of “what-ifs”.

“What if I confessed during high school?”

“What if I went to the same university as her?”

“What if that day I walked up as planned, would anything have changed for the better?”

It was an emotional hump that I had to get over. It needed time to finally get over the years of feelings I had harbored for her. When I finally got over it, I had left the paradise of university, and stepped foot into the unforgiving arena of society.

Ever since then, I attended several matchmaking events. I never exactly found someone I would like. I think I was just more cautious. Because I do not know. I do not know how many more heartbreaks I could stomach, before I finally broke.

I passed by a stationery shop today, and picked up a cute dairy. I haven’t had the urge to write one since my last heartbreak. Hearing the nurses’ words today, I felt like I had a lot of pent up emotion I just wanted to release in words. Words that I could not say to my parents, my siblings and my friends. Words I wanted to keep to myself.

And…

I was just hoping, praying…

That when tomorrow comes…

I can continue to consume my favourite whisky highball…