3rd March 2025 - The Diagnosis

I got the results today.
Glioblastoma.
Sounds perfectly like a plague that ended the world in a video game. I was beginning to wonder how my life could have ended.
Never thought it was more eventful than I’d imagined it to be.

Ha…

I nodded a lot while the doctor talked to me. My eyes traced the shadows of tree branches across the frosted window behind him. I wonder if he noticed.

At that moment, I don’t think my brain wanted to pay attention, or was it me? I’m not sure. It just felt like time stopped at that moment. It was as if the world pitied me of how much time I had left.

He said “maybe a year.”
I said, “That’s generous.”
He didn’t laugh.

I would have thought he had seen enough.
Or maybe it was just me who didn’t care enough.
Perhaps so.

He discussed the possible treatment options that I have.
He suggested that I would require a scan to determine the exact location of the tumor.
“If we can surgically remove the tumor, that would greatly improve the prognosis”
“Paired with the radiation therapy, we believe you could greatly improve the outcome”
While it sounds promising, thoughts about the financial burden it adds, paired with my possibly deteriorating ability to work, I’m worried.

As I walked out the consultation room, my face looked gloomy. My thoughts are scattered and uncollected. Unlimited amounts of “what-ifs” popped up in my head again.

“Takeda-san, please come to the counter.”

I walked up. The nurse, a young woman with a kind but distracted smile. She started explaining things in rapid fire:

“We’ve prepared the medication listed under your profile. Mostly to help with blood flow and maintain hormone balance, this will help you perform better in intimate encounters as you requested.”

Okay. Wait…

Intimate encounters?

My brain froze.
I blinked. Once. Twice.
I’m 31. Not exactly a teenager, but...
Surely, brain tumors have nothing to do with manhood right ?

“Wait, what?” I blurted out in reflex, probably louder than I should’ve. All eyes were on me. Some who overheard the initial conversation giggled by themselves.

I inspected the medications. There was a pack that said “Sildenafil”, I had no clue what it was until I saw a familiar word… “Viagra”... I held the pack in my hand, with nothing going through my head.

The nurse probably thought I didn’t know how to use it, so she said

“This is a 10mg dosage. Take a tablet about 30 to 60 minutes before you plan to have intercourse. It works best on an empty stomach. It will generally last up to 4 hours, although some report it may last up to 6.”

The confusion continues to build up. I snapped conscious and asked

“So… How does this help with what’s going on inside my brain?”

She looked serious, and replied

“It doesn’t. This isn’t an aphrodisiac, so it can’t cause arousal on its own. You would still need some form of “stimulation” for it to work.”

At this point, I felt like we were two different frequencies trying to communicate.

“I mean, I have a brain tumor. Are you sure this medication is what I needed?” I asked gently.

She looked me dead in the eye, flipped through the record. It felt like she missed out on a very important piece of information. She stared at the record, and back up at me…

“Are you Takeda-san? Fuji Takeda-san?”

…

…

I let out a sigh and denied. Turn back and walk away.

Behind my back I could hear her apologize profusely.
I gave a weak chuckle. A nervous one.

At the same time, there was also another laughter that I heard, but this one is loud. I think this person might have heard the entire conversation. What a joke I made of myself. Even at the end of my life, I still couldn’t go gracefully.

Whatever…

If all that can make someone’s day just a tad bit better. Then at least my life meant something at that moment.

I went to the correct counter this time. Took some pain medication.
Set up the next appointment for an MRI scan. Was slowly looking through the available time slots.

After everything was settled, I walked mindlessly towards the exit. I accidentally hit my foot on the wall. It was so painful yet I couldn’t let out a sound. There was so much pain I was experiencing and I do not know how to express it.

I limped silently on my way out of the hospital.

On the way home, I passed the park near my school. A child was chasing pigeons under the ume trees. The blossoms were just opening—early, eager. I watched for a while. I remembered thinking that spring came too soon this year. It always does.

“Life brief candle”, a Shakespearean classic. I think it fits perfectly how my life is.

Keeping it short, simple, I think that might just be the best to go.

I can just go.

Without leaving a dent.

And in peace.