Discussing DSPCMs with Smoothie Q. Mifsud

"So first up, we got lots of complaints. Complaints centered on the fact that we failed to name every DSPCM competing in the tournament, so first thing's first," Kisha sighed as pictures of Nikolina, Gorana, Jovana, and a young man named Ignjat Čubrilo were shown on screen. "I didn't want to bring up bad memories, but we did end up forgetting to properly highlight all of Serbia's 4 DSPCMs. And since they have a 5th spot allocated to them, Nikolina's trying to get this guy to take her place as DSPCM of Tutin while she angles for both getting North Mitrovica... Er, I'll just shut up on that," she groaned as an image of a dark-skinned man with red hair and beard appeared on the screen.

"Who is that?" Mifsud asked.

"Aleksije Đenić. Hear he's also Nikolina's boyfriend and a member of Serbia's men's team. Anyway, moving on to more pleasant discussions."

The images of the Serbian DSPCMs and Aleksije vanished as an image of Aisha appeared on screen.

"This here is Tanzania's only DSPCM. She's not the greatest, but Tanzania doesn't quite have a large chess talent pool, at least not yet. Though they do have a fabled 2900-rated executive board member on the team, who's been winning every game she's played, so I've heard."

Mifsud smirked as Aisha's image vanished and as images of Mirjam and Sjoukje flashed on screen.

"Mirjam here's a competitive cyclist, while Sjoukje's an eccentric artist. I hear she likes to paint any and anything, and just cover things with icky sticky clay."

"Oh, I'm familiar with Sjoukje. She's painted many fine pieces and people," Mifsud smiled.

"Maybe she could paint that freshly shaved head of yours, or smear it in her clay-mud concoction."

"Sounds like a SPA day. I'm down, and I'm sure Saima would be too. Oh, is she next up?"

"In a second. I start talking about Pakistan, I'll have to go into drama mode. Let's first segway into talking about another artistic DSPCM."

The images of Mirjam and Sjoukje vanished as images of Uxue, Uracca, and a man with the head of a moai appeared on screen.

"Uxue here's a tattoo artist, and an art major in general. I hear she's so acclaimed that many flock to Chile just to receive her tutelage. Ingrida Šepetys and Onóra Daffey are two notable ones who are also competing, but only Ingrida's matched Uxue in shaving her head and eyebrows and inking up her pretty head."

"What about the clown lady?"

"No interest in the moai?"

Mifsud smiled mischievously and pressed her finger to her lip. "I'm more attracted to bald girls than stony guys. Bald guys though, different story."

"Guess we can say you're more baldsexual than bisexual."

Awkward silence quickly ensured.

"Uh... Smoothie Q?"

"Hmm? Oh nothing, just that "bald fetishist" is the proper term for one that has an attraction to bald people. In fact, that joke was so cringe, I think you should shave your head in repentance. Oh, maybe get a tattoo too. Then you'd actually look hot!"

"Do I look like Mizuse Niimi or Lí Ban Glas!?"

"Oh no you don't, you're hideous when placed next to them, and that's saying something, cuz I've seen how freaky Lí Ban looks all covered in tattoos. Still, there's some sexy to it, but you and sexy just don't go together," Mifsud laughed.

"I am too sexy!"

"Hmm, then start by apologizing all cutsey-like for the bad joke."

Kisha scowled, but did exactly that, embarassing herself and amusing Mifsud to no end.

"I thought I'd be immune from drama this round. Whatever, onto some real drama to cleanse my foul mood!" Kisha pouted as the images of the Chilean DSPCMs vanished and images of Saima and Kalsoom flashed on screen.

The moment Mifsud laid eyes on Kalsoom, she knew exactly where things would go. "Australia?"

"Damn, we click well! We long lost sisters or something?" Kisha smiled as images of Francie and Myrtle appeared on the screen alongside Kalsoom's and Saima's.

"My long lost sister would shave her head to match me."

"Oi, you've only just gone bald. Getting back on topic, all four of these ladies are DSPCMs with Saima and Kalsoom hailing from Pakistan and Francie and Myrtle hailing from Australia. Last round, there was an incident, ultimately stemming from the whole Maestro Himitsu vs the world thing. First, backstory. The WWCF confirms that one of their staffers, Ina Kirikawa, was kidnapped a week or two before the tournament and held captive by the fairy league. They then brought her here with them and challenged Maestro Himitsu to a challenge, but in the wake of that, Francie facilitated the kidnapping of Japan's Mimoko Inoue and Iori Ishikiridokoro, the latter of which forming a grudge and exacting revenge against Francie and Myrtle by, ahem... fucking them with chess pieces after beating Francie in a game."

Mifsud's face blushed red. "Iori Ishikiridokoro, SMOOTHILINE MIMOKO! I want BOTH... I wanna string them up and FUCK EM!" she thought as she began breathing heavily.

"Uh, Smoothie Q?"

"Ah, sorry, sorry. Continue."

"Anyway, the resulting hemorrhoid infection Francie recieved fried her brain to the point where she facilitated the theft of Kalsoom's wheelchair, even attempting to frame Iori for it by bringing Iorweth of Scotland in on the action."

"The femboy Iori? He'd be fun to fuck too."

"Huh?"

"Ah, moving on."

"I ain't done yet. So long story short, Francie played the Bosnians and got artiljerija'd so hard, she's now hospitalizied with all her bones broken. Remind me never to piss off Esma. Roboticle for life, please don't hurt me."

The images of Kalsoom, Saima, Myrtle, and Francie vanished as images of Nino, Tinatin, Banani, Gurandukht, and Nestan-Darejan appeared on screen.

"We got all of Georgia's DSPCMs competing. And yes, I'll focus on Banani, Smoothie Q."

"You know it. Banani's my girl, even though she complains about being bald."

"But I hear she's a masochist deep down and loves being humiliated."

"Oh I'm well aware, and following the tournament, assuming of course her teammates decide not to jump on and protest her competing, I'll be giving her... special service tonight in bed."

"Whoa!"

"Oh don't be so surprised, I'm an independent gremlin."

"Welp keeping with the bald businesswoman trend, lets talk about a more... disliked member of the bald community."

The images of the Georgian DSPCMs vanished as images of Baldie and Lindiwe appeared on screen.

"Baldie Botes. Tch. Girl does nothing but contribute to the "evil bald" stereotype," Mifsud scoffed.

"And apparently she's racist too. Sources tell me she's constantly hurling derogatory insults at her darker-skinned teammates. Not cool, girl."

"And she's classist too. Just the other night, she caused a great scene at the up-scale restaurant here when some less-sophisticated folks, in her eyes, tried to dine in."

"Oh yeah, heard the prime minister of Poland also got his face smashed in and that you facilitated a bet that left quite a few ladies bald."

"That's a reporter for you, but my date with bald paradise was long since booked. The bet was just a fun way to splash some loose change."

"Rich people are scary! Moving on."

The images of Baldie and Lindiwe vanished as images of Berenice and Nefertari appeared on screen.

"I hear both these girls had a hand in reshaping Egypt into the futuristic ancient nation it is now. Nefertaria's the fashionista for both apparel and architecture while Berenice... Er, heard she was just the one that inspired the co-pharaohs to use a DESPER to reshape the nation."

"I've heard of her. In fact, I'd love to commission her to help design a new line of my own apparel brand, but those three co-pharaohs you eluded to are tough negotiators. But, I hear they proudly embrace the bald life, so maybe now that I'm bald, I'll have a better chance at winning the over."

The images of Berenice and Nefertari vanished as images of as images of Queenie and Kristel flashed on screen.

There's a sweet story here. Initially, Queenie was deemed too rowdy to be a DSPCM, so Kristel was sent to Manila to fill that slot. But over time, the bond between those two helped lead to Queenie becoming DSPCM of Davao City."

Mifsud nodded, but appeared as though she was dissatisfied with something. "So that girl wasn't a DSPCM? Well it matters not in the end. she'll come to the tournament anyway," she thought.

The images of Queenie and Kristel vanished as images of Iolanda and Gisella appeared on screen.

"Now here's two faces I doubt we'll be seeing at the tournament. These two are DSPCMs and models with the same agency, an agency that is VERY strict when it comes to hair care."

"But I hear Iolanda really wants to go bald, maybe even Gisella."

"No... You're that big a fan of my work?"

"Wouldn't be co-hostin' if I wasn't. Oh, and Iolanda, Gisella, if you two step foot in the salon before 1, no lawsuit will stop the lovely ladies there from turning you into the bald girls of your dreams!"

"Her words, not mine, so direct any and all lawsuits at her."

"Hey!"

The images of Iolanda and Gisella vanished as an image of Ria appeared on screen.

"Speaking of rebellious models who just wanna shave their heads in protest, Ria here's been mighty vocal about how much her boss sucks. Oh, and on the topic of Indonesia, it's actually thanks to them we got the incriminating evidence of Francie in the first place, so thanks for sending it in, whoever it was."

"I'm sure you know exactly who it is, but I suppose even a gossip fanatic like you can respect your source's privacy."

"Huh? The hell you implying?"

The image of Ria vanished as an image of Myfanwy appeared on screen.

"And here's Wales' only DSPCM. She's a hot young teacher named, Myfanwy Fychan."

"My, she is hot..."

"I know what you're thinking."

Mifsud responded by cutely sticking out her tongue as the image of Myfanwy vanished and an image of Petronella flashed on screen.

"I hear she's Belgium's only DSPCM, and is frequently biting her tongue and mispronouncing words. She's also clearly talented as she's contributed to Belgium's rise in the tournament. They might even have a shot at winning it even."

Mifsud stared at Petronella, but Petronella's picture was not the intended target of her glare. "They won't win it."

"Hmm?"

"Dumb luck is all that brought her there."

"You know they got a bald girl on... the team?"

Mifsud's murderous glare didn't waver though, startling Kisha ever so slightly.

"OK, moving on."

The image of Petronella vanished as images of Frank and Paulina appeared on screen.

"And here are Spain's DSPCMs, meaning now princess Sophia better retract her complaint against the show. Seriously, I hear Frank isn't even one of your goons, and even though Paulina is, you treat her like shit, never acknowledging her accomplishments."

Mifsud nodded, but focused more on Frank's picture.

"Something there?"

"Oh no, it's nothing."

The images of Frank and Paulina vanished as images of Bogdan-Danny, Viorica, and Ionela appeared on screen.

"Now despite his green skin, Bogdan-Danny's actually a purebred vampire. Apparently his pops, Decebal, is a part-time mad scientist, and well, he ended up looking like Frankenstein one day. Viorica's a self-proclaimed vegan, but still has cravings for blood occasionally."

"All the Romanian women competing here are beauties. Oh, I really hope they decide to compete in 6B, especially one of the vampire girls," Mifsud swooned.

"Yeah... sure... You got good odds, but still a chance they sacrifice Ionela and Raluca or avoid it altogether."

The images of the Romanian DSPCMs vanished as images of Kristina, Ignatz, Bruno, Grete, a yeti, and a man in lederhosen flashed on screen.

"So get this, I hear there's a secret way to get an easy win off of Bruno."

"What is it?"

"Well, it's-"

"EY! Who said you's could just go spillin' secrets, uh?" Bruno's voice rang out as he came charging in, mop and mop bucket in hand.

"I HEARD NOTHING ABOUT SALT!" Kisha cried as Bruno lobbed the mop bucket's contents her way.

Splash!

"EW! BRUNO, THE HELL IS THIS SHIT!?" Kisha cried.

"Slop water, now don't go spillin' needless secrets, or I'll spill gross slop on you," Bruno threatened as he marched away.

"Ugh, we're gonna take a break while I run back to my room to shower."

"Or... I could fill in! I'm an influencer too, remember," Mifsud smiled as she smacked her bald head.

"Fine, fine, but I ain't shaving my head to make up the favor," Kisha growled as she stormed off.

Once Kisha was gone and the wet furniture had been replaced, Mifsud took the helm and smiled at the camera. But beneath this cute smile laid a malicious one.

"Well this worked better than I expected. Now I can send the message much easier," she thought as the broadcast resumed.