Crazy, crazy Tankman

Kisha smiled as she sat alone in her studio. "Welcome back. Just as quickly as all those guests came, they're gone. But you can be sure the music video they're filming as we speak will be broadcast here first... I hope. Anyway, we still have more content, so come on out, TEAM COSTA RICA!"

The 5 members of the Costa Rican men's team all entered and sat down, with the exception of Tankman who just stood in place.

"So, you here cuz of the tankbot?" Kisha asked.

The leader of the group, Štefan Picante, nodded. "Yes, this guy's the main reason we even became a team."

"What do you mean?"

"It all started back in June..."

...

A few months ago in Costa Rica, Štefan received a call to find a group of lost hikers. He managed to track them to a cave, said to be the passage to a secret underground city.

As he ventured inside the cave, he found a skeleton covered in purple jelly, which he quickly identified as Jalea Esqueleto, one of the missing hikers. At his feet were three journals, which were assumed to be from his other missing companions, Fred Duras and some other person Štefan didn't bother to care about.

Opening Fred's journal revealed nothing but chess notation, which would ultimately serve to inspire Štefan on how to solve the problem he was about to encounter. Next was Jalea's entry which contained an entry which Štefan read aloud.

"'My name is Jalea. I am an archeologist. I'm here at this cave because my good friend, Refik Osmanagić, told me he believes there's a link between the underground city here in Costa Rica, and the pyramid in Bosnia and Herzegovina. Thus, I ventured alone to see if the rumors were true... AND THEY ARE! bet if you aren't me and picked up this journal, you'd be thinking I'm full of shit. WELL I'M NOT!' Yeah, sure buddy."

As soon as Štefan turned the page, he was greeted with a sketch of a humanoid robot of sorts. It was labeled "BEK-R1J1" and appeared to just be a bunch of tanks slapped onto a guy in a suit. This was actually a sketch of Tankman himself, which Štefan would discover in seconds as if on que, tankman came rolling up out of the darkness.

Then more mysteries arose as music began playing out of nowhere and Tankman began moonwalking and singing. "Sarajevo, Rogatica, Višegrad, Vlasenica Tu mi leži pokraj srca. Zvornik, Tuzla, Kalesija, Devetak i Kiseljak Svaki borac veseljak..."

And as he reached the chorus, he turned towards Štefan and began charging up energy in his turret face. "ARTILJERIJA!"

BOOM!

Štefan was thrust into the air, flying outside to the jungle below. Jalea had managed to cling to him to escape the blast unscathed, with the two landing in the trees below. However, Tankman pursued them for a bit, blasting at them all the way, before eventually calming down and registering them as friendlies.

...

At rescue HQ, Mannie scowled as the group returned to rescue HQ. "And did you find the hikers?" he glared.

"Yup," Štefan nodded as he slammed Jalea down on his desk.

"And this is?"

"Jalea."

"Get him off my desk."

"Sorry, but his journal says he's inhabited by a one of a kind parasitic slime. It's docile, but it likes to cling to things. Oh, and it won't multiply either. He also makes a good desk ornament."

"Do you take me for a savage!?"

"Yes?"

"Fired."

"Thank you."

"But before I formally fire you, care to explain why there's a robot with a tank for a head in my office?"

Štefan had hoped he'd pretend that Tankman wasn't there, but that wa not the case.

"It's property of Bosnia. Can you return it to them?"

"Do I look like the president to you?"

"Lovely, we're stuck with this thing. How the hell are we gonna get it back to Bosnia now? Without a diplomatic connection, I'm just gonna have to hope we run into a Bosnian official so I can dump this thing on them. But where would I even encounter one?"

As Štefan pondered that, Fred Duras' journal slipped out of his pocket and hit the floor, leading to Štefan to pick it up and be reminded of chess.

"The Chess Olympics! We'll enter as a team with Tankman, and then after we play the Bosnians, we'll give it back to them!"

"That's the stupidest shit I've heard yet. How badly did you hit your head?" Mannie asked.

"Badly, but this is the only way. We just register with the WWCF, then we all play as a team. It's perfect!"

"No."

"You want this superweapon to blow up Costa Rica? Do this for your country, dammit!"

"Fine, how many we need for a team?"

"5 is preferable, but we already got 4 people right here; you, me, Tankman, and the disgusting dead guy. And for a 5th member-"

"Who you calling a 'disgusting dead guy'!? I'm alive, dammit!" a voice roared.

Everyone turned to notice a hunch-backed man with pointy ears, standing in the entrance. It was Fred Duras. Turns out he was stranded in the jungle and Štefan just missed him, so he made his way back to rescue HQ by himself.

...

"And that is the story of how the 5 of us formed a chess team and went to compete at the Chess Olympics. Turns out Tankman was good at chess, but robots usually are. The slime in the skeleton was good too, in fact, we were all somehow 2300-level. Our national chess federation instantly approved of us being on the national team, and voila, we'll be participating in the Chess Olympics. Now I just have to hope we encounter the Bosnians so I can give Tankman back to them," Štefan sighed as he finished his recap.

"Wow, talk about harrowing. So what exactly is the deal with Tankman?" Kisha asked.

"According to the notes, Tankman is allegedly a guardian of the Bosnian pyramid, that got teleported here when the indigenous people that lived in the underground city allegedly tried to summon a guardian. I know, it sounds like some dumb fanfic a kid would write online, but as you can see, here is Tankman."

"Hmm, you mentioned Refik, his daughter Esma's the DSPCM from the place where those Bosnian pyramids are. She's at 6B though, so no talking to her until it's over. but the men's team? They all should be around."

A relieved smile spread across Štefan's face until maniacal laughter from stage left sent a chill down his spine. Turning, he noticed a large fat man in snakeskin red pointy shoes, a green court jester suits, and a purple jester hat with his unshaven face smeared with clown makeup.

"Buwahahaha! Crazy, crazy Ludi here to claim... SUPERWEAPON! BUWAHAHAHAHA!"

This man was Ludi Joker, the leader of the Bosnian sect of Jester's cult, and one of the craziest of the bunch.

With the flick of his wrist, goopy dough paste shot out and restrained everyone in place, with Kisha ending up gagged in addition to being bound.

"MMPH NGH MMPH NGH [THE HELL'S GOING ON!]" she fumed as she struggled to break free.

"Buwahahaha! Tvoje tenkovsko oružje je sada moje! Ja ću ga modifikovati u moj Golf i predstaviti ga Jesteru. Kupit će mi jebeni Audi za moj trud [Your tank weapon is now mine! I'll modify him into my Golf and present it to Jester. He'll buy me a freaking Audi for my efforts]," Ludi snickered before turning to face the camera proper. "Buwahahaha! Welcome to Ludi's kitchen! Today, we are making... CRAZY PIZZA! BUWAHAHAHAHA!"

However, his scheme was about to end just as quickly as it began thanks to Tankman charging up a blast.

"CRAZY TANKMAN!" Ludi cried as he was blasted and sent flying, much like his master, Jester, was infamous for doing.

The short-lived evil plan thwarted, everyone was quickly freed.

"Ugh, I already had to change clothes... You know what, shows over. We'll still air the Malasangre video, but that can be done from the comfort of my room. See ya," Kisha grumbled as she stormed off.

"Uh, what about Tankman?" Štefan sighed.

...

Kisha scowled as she wrapped a towel around herself and slid into her sneakers before storming out of her room. "The hell are they calling me back for so quickly? They even told me not to bother wearing anything more than a towel and sneakers. The hell's their deal? I like to clothe myself proper, thank you very much! Oh, did the Malasangre video drop!? But then why say 'Meet in the salon'? better not be anything nasty planned," she thought to herself.

Quickly reaching the salon in under 3 minutes, Kisha found the place deserted aside from the 9 stylists, Mifsud, and Nancy.

"You're all off the clock. Good work," Melisha stated, allowing the others to go free.

"Phew, I really did get out of this without losing any hair," Alice trembled.

"I would love to be in your position, but now... I think I'm awakening to something," Irja blushed as she rubbed her bald head.

"You n' me both, girlfriend. Though guess I already had a bald fetish before," a young woman with blonde hair with red highlights clad in a white tank top, capri jeans, grey platform sneakers, and a black beret named, Bella Bleu shrugged.

Soon, only Melisha, Mifsud, and Nancy remained in the salon with Kisha.

"So what's this all about?" Kisha nervously asked.

Mifsud giggled and shoved Kisha into a chair.

"WHAT THE- MMPH!?"

"And trapped. Time for a LONG overdue makeover, Kisha. Don't worry, it'll increase your sex appeal," Mifsud giggled as she restrained Kisha and glued he mouth shut.

"You better not do that to me," Nancy glared as she stared at an open chair.

"I won't gag you, but you're sure as hell getting shaved," Melisha snarled as she handed Nancy a white robe.

Nancy let out a heavy sigh as she put on the white robe and sat down in the chai, crossing her legs. "This is the stupidest thing I've ever been forced to do. Damn Laila for pulling a fast one on me like this," she snarled as Melisha flicked on the clippers and drove them right up the middle of her hairline.

"How's it stupid? You're going full peak femininity on the WWCF's dime, even decided to rock some sexy sneakers for the occasion," Melisha snickered.

"I always wear sneakers whenever I can. Heels are such a pain," Nancy growled as she stared down at her sneakers as Melisha finished buzzing her head and began lathering it with shaving cream.

"And that's why sneakers are so peak femininity; girls can just rock em, and look more natural in em than guys."

Nancy nodded and silently watched as her head was shaved smooth and then lathered once more for round 2. Another heavy sigh escaped her lips though as Melisha gabbed the clippers and buzzed off her eyebrows before lathering them and shaving them smooth.

"Must my eyebrows go too?" Nancy sighed as her face and exposed legs were lathered with shaving cream.

"Yup, and any and all exposed skin gets shaved too, regardless of how smooth it already is."

Nancy blushed in embarrassment as she let out a muffled pout.

"Now that's a cute face. And we do this all again once more before the wax, so enjoy yourself, sexy. I'm gonna melt that icy coolness surrounding you."

Nancy was quickly shaved and then subjected to one more round of cream and razor before being encased in wax.

"Mmph ngh mmph mmph mmph [Why'd you cover my mouth]?" Nancy groaned.

"Cuz we don't want you shouting too many obscenities on camera when your eyelashes are plucked. Though normally, I'd glue your mouth shut at the start, but it's nice having a conversation partner after all the forced shaving I did," Melisha smiled as she tilted Nancy's head back and began plucking her eyelashes out.

"Mmph ngh nngh mmph!? Ngh mmph ngh ngh mmph mmph ngh ngh mmph [A conversation partner!? Then why the hell am I bound and gagged]!?" Kisha fumed as Mifsud gleefully ruffled her hair.

"Because you talk too much," Mifsud giggled as she flicked on the clippers and sheared Kisha in under a minute.

"Mmph ngh ngh mmph ngh mmph ngh mmph ngh ngh mmph mmph [Why can't I wear anything more than a bath towel and sneakers]?" Kisha moaned as her head and eyebrows were lathered with shaving cream.

"Because it's the only way to increase your sex appeal," Mifsud jibbed as she shaved Kisha's head and brows smooth.

"Ngh mmph mmph ngh ngh mmph ngh [You just shaved off my sex appeal]!" Kisha cried as her head, face, and exposed skin were lathered with shaving cream.

"No, I was freeing you from that unattractive sponge you called a hairstyle. Permanent baldness will suit you SO much better!"

As Mifsud shaved Kisha, Nancy was unwaxed and encased in depilatory cream.

"Don't worry, this stuff isn't the ultra stuff, so your hair could grow back... maybe in a year if you refused to shave it at all Melisha sneered as she scrapped off the depilatory cream.

"Oh lovely, a practical lifetime of baldness," Nancy groaned as her head was lasered.

"Thank your bosses for specifying they wanted you to be able to regrow your hair after this."

"And you couldn't just use bald caps why?" Nancy asked as she was smothered in body oil.

"More arousing for the both of us this way," Melisha snickered as she gave Nancy's now smooth and shiny bald head a mighty slap.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Nancy moaned as her eyes rolled back and her face went red in embarrassment.

"Now that's a sexy girl, and better yet, I'm gonna make your skin even smoother so you just won't be able to live without being bald," Melisha snickered as she began encasing Nancy in beauty cream.

"I only did this for work. My hair better grow back after this!" Nancy trembled.

"The option's there, but whether you'll be able to resist shaving yourself like this as part of a daily beauty regiment remains to be seen," Melisha snickered as she covered up Nancy's mouth with beauty cream.

Nancy blushed in embarrassment, but was unable to deny internally that this whole beauty treatment was overall relaxing and blissful.

Kisha was on no such verge of being swayed towards the pro-bald side, especially after how painful her eyelash plucking was.

"So noisy, you deserve a wax-spank!" Mifsud cackled as she ripped all the wax off poor Kisha.

"MMMMMMMMPPPPPPHHHHHHHH! NGH MMPH NGH [THAT FUCKING HURTS]!"

But the depilatory cream was just as bad, causing Kisha to howl in pain as her hair follicles sizzled away. Then came the laser and soothing oil, along with the slap and obligatory moan. But despite blushing uncontrollably, Kisha hated everything about her new smooth and shiny bald look.

"Ngh mmph ngh [I hate it]," she trembled as she was encased in beauty cream.

"Maybe now, but I'll make you love it along with me," Mifsud giggled as she kissed Kisha's beauty cream encased lips.

Kisha naturally freaked out, but that was exactly what Mifsud wanted.

"Now, should we drag the hosts to the venue?" Mifsud asked.

"Well how else can they do live commentary. Oh, but they stay in the truck. As for the Central Americans, seal em pods, but don't take em with us, same for Sabina," Melisha ordered.

And with that, Kisha and Nancy were quickly encased in pods and loaded onto the truck. Esti, Isidora, and Sabina were also sealed in pods, but left behind.

"Laila really managed to weasel out thanks to having dinner with you last night," Melisha snickered as she turned to Mifsud.

"I'd love to see her bald, but I wanted Kisha bald more. Nancy also lost a bet it seems, and you know how I prefer ladies that lose bets to go bald," Mifsud giggled.

"Yeah, yeah. Now let's get moving. IRJA! You ready!?"

Irja emerged from the shadows, smiling. "Ever the slave driver. You need to know your place, but I guess this is your big chance to prove yourself."

"Yeah, I pull this off, I could be the 5th grandmastermind."

"There are only 4, and MY name is on one of the seats," Mifsud glared.

"When you can actually play an opening proper, maybe then scouts will bothers gazing at you. Now time for us to move out."