First precept of basic human decency

Though I was glad to have cleared up the misunderstanding with Pep, I had somewhat found myself lamenting the fact that I had lost one of my few moments of stress-free solitude on the way to school that morning. As such, when I split off first from Sai and then from Pep on the way home from club, I was glad to finally get some well earned peace and quiet.

“Does God fucking hate me or something?”

“He wouldn’t be the first one.”

“Rot in hell, Bitchqueen.”

Of all the faces I could have been subjected to seeing, it had to be her. Leaning with her back to the wall, watching me with that judgemental glare, god I hated her. The only positive thing I could say about her existence is that I could never mistake any other feeling with hatred since I always had her as a baseline. A headache of colossal proportions, and of course, there she was, waiting to make a tiring day even more exhausting

“You do know stalking is a crime, right?”

“Oh, quit your whining, Dead Eyes, I just wanted to talk.”

“I can’t say I have anything to say to you.”

“Then you can shut up and listen. Come on.”

“What do you mean ‘come on?’ You’re expecting me to walk with you?”

“Would you rather mill about on the street corner like a pair of twats?”

“I’d rather you fuck off.”

“Not an option. Stand around like a prat or walk with me, your choice.”

“...just get walking, Bitchqueen.”

Every single cell in my body was completely resistant to the idea of spending another moment with her, but I knew from experience that if I refused to entertain her now it would become a bigger problem in the future. Persistence, or more accurately stubbornness, was one of the few things she had in spades. Unlike height. Or intelligence. Or basic human decency. God, what an obnoxious fucking bitch.

Despite my disgust for her very being, I reluctantly followed along behind her. Normally I would never let someone else lead me like that, but the thought of being side-by-side with her was about as appealing as performing a self-lobotomy with a rusty screwdriver, so I content myself with dragging a face paces behind her small and pathetic stature.

“So, you gonna tell me why you’re waiting along my route home like a creepy old man looking to toe the line with age of consent laws?”

“Are you incapable of even asking a question without sounding like a complete arsehole?”

“I wouldn’t have to ask at all if you’d get to the fuckin’ point already. Come on, out with it, what do you want?”

“Fine. You want me to say it? I’ll say it.” She stopped and swivelled dramatically on her heel, looking me dead in the eyes as she spoke. “What do I want? I want Pep. I want you to give her to me.”

Her gaze pierced my very being, and I felt nothing in her eyes but coldness and hate. The stare of someone who believed with all her heart that I had stolen something precious from her, and that she was demanding it back.

In other words the eyes of a deluded fool.

“Give her to you? Is that an off colour joke or are you just an idiot?”

“I’m dead serious. You still owe me that favour. I’m cashing it in. Pep seems to want you, but you’re no good for her. Let me have her instead.”

“So you’re just an idiot, wonderful. The hell do you mean ‘let me have her?’ She’s not some bloody prize for me to hand out as I please. You’re taking the piss. You want your ‘request’ or whatever? Think of something else.”

“Why? Why can you not let me have her? You in love with her or something?”

Though I wanted to rebut immediately, I stopped to think about my answer to her question. It was a difficult one to answer completely truthfully when only taking rationality into account. Currently, I had no definitive answer for her second question. I still didn’t know what my feelings for Pep really were. Did I love her like a sister or a partner? In that moment I couldn’t tell you.

And yet, there was Ran, making an unambiguous declaration of love. Unlike myself, her feelings for Pep were clear. Certain. No wrestling with emotions she doesn’t understand, no self-questioning, no self-doubt. Absolute, unrestrained love. From that perspective, perhaps it would be better for Pep if it were Ran she were pursuing and not myself. With that in mind, I could easily rationalise the solution that the Bitchqueen was suggesting: convince Pep to change her affections from myself to her.

But that couldn’t stand.

“I’m sorry, Ran, but I can’t give you Pep.”

“But why?! Give me a damned reason!”

“Because Pep’s feelings aren’t mine to decide. I can’t tread on her will like that.”

That was all I could say. Perhaps I would never be able to return Pep’s feelings. Perhaps they would lead to hurt for both of us further down the line. Perhaps in theory Pep would be happier if she was with Ran rather waiting for an answer from me and Sai. But none of those hypotheticals mattered when they refused to respect her will as a person. To think that I know her feelings better than she does would be a hubris I couldn’t afford.

Dammit all. I actually learned something from Sai of all people. I could already feel the bruise welling up on my ego.

“Tread on her will? What load of shite is that! Since when have you had an ounce of respect for anyone but yourself. You’ve always been a spineless gutless cowardly fucking weasel with all the moral fiber of a wet sponge, but at least you were consistent. Now you can’t even be that? What’s wrong with you?”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. Normally I’d just turn my nose up at the idea of the autonomy of others and choose whatever’s most convenient to me. I’d justify it with some sophistry like ‘if every person focused on their own happiness and no one else’s we’d be a happier species,’ then I’d do whatever the hell I please without giving anyone else a second thought. But as much as I hate to admit it, those girls have made me wonder if maybe other people deserve that second thought, even if it doesn’t benefit me to give it to them.”

“Tch. Unbelievable. You finally understand the first precept of basic human fucking decency and it’s just in time to fuck me over. It’s like you live to deny me everything I want in the most inconvenient possible way. Are you really trying to tell me you’ve turned over a new leaf all of a sudden and become a functional human being, or are you just actively trying to piss me the fuck off?”

“A functional human being? I’ve never cared to be that, at least not by whatever standards are set out by society. That couldn’t matter less to me. My standards and values are my own, fuck what society thinks of them. It’s just that those values have shifted. Is it really so hard to believe that I’m capable of changing my mind?”

“Oh please, put the fucking philosophy book away and talk like a normal person. You’re not some great and special thinker because you think you’re better than the rest of us. You’re just a selfish, egotistical narcissistic little prick using your clever little words to justify your own self indulgence. What the hell do you think you’re doing, stringing Pep along while playing around with that wretched silver-haired skank?”

“Careful. You’re badmouthing a good friend of mine. Again.”

“Oh, and fucking what, Kaburi? You’re actually gonna defend someone else? You gonna pretend you care about her too? We both know what you are. People are just a list of traits that are either to your benefit or detriment to you, aren’t they?”

“You mean just like they’re accessories to you?”

“Excuse me?!”

“Why else would you be telling me to just turn Pep over to you like she’s a piece of fucking jewelery, Ran? You don’t love her, you don’t even respect her. You want her for the perceived benefits of having her. Otherwise you’d have the damned decency to actually respect her feelings instead of demanding she be given to you like a fucking medal.”

“You…fucking…bastard!” Before I even had a chance to react, she practically ran up and grabbed my shirt by the collar, dragging me down to her level. “The hell do you know about love, huh?! You’ve never loved a damn thing but yourself! You realise how long she’s pined for you like a sad fucking puppy, all while you’ve gone on your deranged rants about how love and romance are fake? You realise how long she’s put up with that shite, hoping one day you’ll change and love her back? You think you have a right to tell me if I love her or not? You don’t know a damned thing! You idiot!”

She was practically yelling through sobs, her eyes welling with tears more and more with every word. By the time she finished, she was barely coherent.

Despite the anger I felt towards her in that moment, I realised a moment of my own hypocrisy. Despite saying I wouldn’t presume to know Pep’s feelings better than she does, I had presumed to know Ran’s feelings by denying that the ‘love’ she spoke of was real. As she stood there lightly hitting chest with her fist and breaking down into tears, I thought that perhaps there was genuine love for Pep somewhere in there, twisted though it may be.

Even so…

“Love or not, you can’t shamelessly indulge yourself in this obsession with Pep and still respect her autonomy. If you can’t be okay on your own, being okay with someone else is just a crutch. You won’t like what happens if that crutch is kicked out from underneath you.”

“Are you threatening me?!”

“I’m warning you. If you don’t try to sort out whatever fucked up personal problems you have first, you’ll never be able to truly happy with Pep, even if you do “win” her. You think just because you ‘love’ her, you have some sort of entitlement to her, and that she’ll somehow fix whatever fucked up psychopathologies you have going on in your head. But she can’t. You want someone to fix you? Fix yourself. Leave Pep, and me, out of it.”

Without a further word, I stepped to the side and walked on past her, leaving her quietly sobbing alone in the streets.

Maybe it’d be good practice for all the time alone she was gonna be spending soon.