Cynicism alone isn't a value system

“Why do you look like you ran an entire emotional marathon in the last ten minutes?”

“No ‘hey Kaburi, how was school?’”

“I am asking how school was, idiot.”

“You’re being very rude about it.”

“When am I not? C’mon, you know what I’m here for, lay the deets on me.”

As Yaki immediately began grilling me the second I got in through the door, I threw myself down onto the sofa. Two exhausting days in a row. If I believed in God I’d be sending him an angrily worded letter for making me work an emotional nine-to-five.

“It’s been a long day, Yaki, I’m really not sure I have the energy to talk about it all.”

“If you don’t have the energy to talk about it all, then just talk about whatever happened in the last few minutes,” she said, sitting down next to me with a piping hot mug of tea.

“Why do you assume something happened in the last few minutes?”

“Because your face is currently in your ‘something pissed me off very recently and I still haven’t let all that adrenaline go’ expression.”

“You can really read my expressions that well?”

“No. You just slammed the door when you got in so I assumed you were pissed about something.”

“Ah. My bad.”

I almost envied Yaki’s ability to sell literally any lie so convincingly. Maybe it was my sibling goggles but she could tell me she sold water to a fish and I’d probably believe her. Luckily she never kept her lies up for long and generally told me about them immediately.

…survivorship bias may well spell the death of me one day.

“Come on, out with it, which of the girls did you argue with, Pep or Sai?”

“Ran.”

“The bitchqueen?!”

“The one and only. You have great nicknaming sense, by the way, I remember her as that more than her actual name.”

“It’s a talent of mine.” Yaki allowed herself one quick moment of smugness, before immediately turning back to the matter at hand. “So, considering you and her have always been about as friendly to one another as fire and oil, I’m guessing something had to have gone pretty horribly wrong for anything she said to actually get under your skin.”

“You could definitely say that,” I said, yawning in both exhaustion and exasperation. “She was getting all possessive and needy over Pep, telling me to ‘give Pep to her’ and stuff like that. We had a pretty ugly argument about it.”

“Ah. I see she’s as pleasant as ever.”

“On the contrary. She’s worse.”

“Dear god. I never thought I’d say this, but if it keeps her out of the way, I’d say it’s a good thing for you to have less social interaction. Besides, everyone knows that after you and Sai I have first dibs on Pep.”

“Y’know, somehow that sounds way less creepy and possessive from you than her.”

“Probably because I’m saying it as a joke and she’s deluded herself into actually believing it.”

“...yeah, that’s probably why.”

If it wasn’t obvious enough, Yaki had long shared in my disdain for Bitchqueen. When Pep and I first moved to our new school, and Pep started bring Ran along to hang out with Yaki and I, my sister seemed to smell the blood in the water even before I did, and that was when I was at my most bitter and cynical. If there’s one thing about my sister I truly envied, it was her judgement of character. And in this case, she knew Ran was a write-off from minute one.

Man, this girl is terrifying now that I think about it. I’m glad she’s on my side.

“So, what’d you say to her?”

“Pretty much what you’d expect. That Pep’s not mine to give away, and that Bitchqueen needs to stop treating her like an accessory.” Despite how reasonable my words were, Yaki raised an eyebrow.

“That is what I’d expect. From a person with a moral compass. When did you find one of those?”

“I’ve uh… I’ve been working on it, I guess?”

“About bloody time.” Yaki sighed and shook her head dramatically, though she was smiling throughout. “You’ve always been smart enough to see through the flaws in society’s standards, but never principled enough to actually make your own to replace them. If you’re finally actually learning to have some ground to stand on, maybe Sai really is having a good impact on you.”

“Why do you assume it’s Sai’s doing?”

“Because I’m not an idiot, duh. Validating Pep’s feelings, refusing to override them, respecting her agency, you and I both know that’s exactly what Sai said you were getting wrong. Hell, you told me that yourself.”

“Damn, I forgot you actually pay attention to the things I say.”

“Hmm? And why are you so reluctant to give Sai credit where it’s due?”

“Maybe I just wanted my little sister to think I was cool for deciding my values on my own instead of being talked into them by someone else.”

“Awww, that’s sweet. Unfortunately I’ve never thought you were cool so that hope rings a little hollow.”

“That’s fine, you’re plenty cool enough for the both of us.”

“I know,” she replied, calmly sipping her tea. Man, imagine being upstaged by your little sister in your own story. Maybe I should relinquish my protagonist role to her. “Still, considering it sounds like this argument was pretty open-and-shut, you don’t seem all that pleased with it. I’d have thought taking the moral high ground for once would be enough to put you on cloud nine.”

“Ehh… as much as I’d like to claim I just tore her to shreds and walked away victorious, I can’t say the argument had a particularly triumphant ending. She basically told me I had no right to comment on how she chose to love Pep since I had rejected love as a concept in the past, and even though I told her I’d changed me mind she basically said people like me aren’t capable of really changing, and I was just finding new excuses to indulge myself at the expense of others. I can’t say I really give a shit what the Bitchqueen of all people thinks of me, but it did get me wondering… is she right? Have I really started to stand for my own values, or am I just using clever words to mimic values when it’s convenient to me? Honestly, I’ve been rejecting society for so long I don’t really know the difference anymore.”

It was a strange feeling, one that I could hardly put into words. Before the expulsion incident, I had already found I didn’t align with society’s standards and expectations, but I begrudgingly attempted to meet them out of fear for the consequences. But it’s been three years since the incident and in all that time I can’t say I’ve really stood for anything. I don’t think my cynical ideas have been entirely wrong, but cynicism alone isn’t a value system, it’s just the rejection of the value system that’s imposed on you by others.

So as to whether the principles I was now espousing were really my own, or were just a string of words that seemed convenient to me, I honestly couldn’t tell.

“Hmm… correct me if I’m wrong, but I get the feeling that arguing with Bitchqueen tends to make you doubt yourself a lot in general, right? Not just in this instance?”

“Yeah, you could definitely say that. It’s not just self doubt, I feel like I’m the worst version of myself when I’m talking to her. Like I regress to my lowest point, even for just a moment.”

“Considering she was a pretty constant presence during your lowest point I’m not surprised, but I think it would weigh on your mind less if you actually tried to get some closure here and put this toxic dynamic behind you already.”

“Well yeah, it’d definitely be a weight off my mind, but how would I even go about that?”

“Ain’t it simple? Just talk to her in an honest dialogue. No personal attacks, no sly jabs, just an actual discussion where you try and sort out your problems. I don’t like her any more than you do, believe me, but I don’t think it’ll stop bugging you until you at least give it a fair shot. Not to be friends with her or anything, but to at least be clear about why you’re so opposed to each other.”

“That sounds all well and good, but even if I try and engage with her she’s just gonna shoot me down and snark me out.”

“And isn’t that another form of closure? If that happens, you know for a fact that you gave her a fair chance and she refused to take it. Whatever burden for civility was at some point on your shoulders then falls squarely on her. Don’t you think that’d also ease your mind a little?”

“I… guess?” Honestly I really wasn’t sure. Would talking things over with the Bitchqueen of all people really help me alleviate the weight on my mind? My concerns were about myself, first and foremost. My poor relationship with her was a byproduct at most.

“Hmm…” Yaki tapped her chin a few times as if deep in thought. “Normally I prefer a hands-off approach, but I guess I could try my hand at this one.”

“What are you tal-” before I could finish my sentence, Yaki held out one hand to shut me up while messing with her phone in the other. After a few seconds of tapping, her phone began to ring, and a moment later her call seemed to connect.

“Peps! I feel like I haven’t heard you voice in way too long!” she said, and I immediately had a bad feeling. “Hey, since tomorrows a weekend, you wanna meet up at the ice skating rink in town? I haven’t been there in forever! Yeah… yeah… yeah, of course Kaburi’s gonna come too, you think I’d let him laze around while we’re out having fun? I mean, I haven’t asked him yet, but he doesn’t really get a choice in the matter. Yeah… yeah… alright, I’ll see you tomorrow! And, uh… invite Ranchan too! For old time’s sakes, you know? Okay? Alright, love ya, bye!”

Yaki put her phone away, turning back to face me with a sly grin.

Ah, what a pain. There goes another lazy saturday.