Extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness

After an exhausting week and an even more exhausting weekend, Monday finally reared its ugly head. And unfortunately, its arrival signaled no reprieve from the tiring days preceding it, since today would finally be the day of Pep’s return to streaming.

Pep herself was, unsurprisingly, buzzing with excitement pretty much the entire day. I half expected her to bounce through the roof a few times. Even for her she was exceptionally jittery and excitable.

I almost felt guilty that she was so pumped to do something together with me and Sai, considering the conversation the two of us had had the day prior. Not that I particularly wanted to think back on that conversation. There was a limit to how much introspection I could stand doing in a short period of time, I really needed a moment to recharge.

On the topic of Sai, she was substantially less excited than Pep, though I could hardly say that was unexpected. Our lunch period had been spent in near total silence, which wasn’t uncommon for us, but I could tell by the shift in her body language that her usually steely nerves were already being tested. The idea of exposing some level of privacy, even just a casual conversation, to the general public clearly wasn’t one she was entirely comfortable with.

Not that I felt any different, obviously. If not for the fact that it was Pep asking, there’s no way in hell I’d have even considered broadcasting myself to thousands of people live, even just my voice. I hated being the centre of attention in any group larger than the club, let alone the equivalent of an entire village.

But hey, I’m on this ride now whether I want it or not. I’ll see it through to the end.

The day passed as it usually did, with nothing outside the ordinary other than a surprising lack of insults from Ran. By the time the final bell tolled, I hardly felt the weight on my chest shift at all. A single boring day of the same mundane school shite we did every single day was nothing at all compared to what was gonna happen when I entered that clubroom.

Pep clearly thought the same thing, because before Sai and I could even get out the door of our final lesson of the day she had already showed up waiting for us, abound with excitement. Sai, of course, shared my exasperation.

“Todays the days the days the day! Come on, slowcoaches, move it! You’re not nearly pumped up enough! Get those legs moving!” Said Pep, skipping along impatiently as Sai and I brought up the rear.

“I would try and keep up with you, but due to a certain somebody I had a particularly restless weekend,” I grumbled half-heartedly.

“My apologies.”

“Hey, blame Yaki, not… me… Sai-chan?”

Pep and Sai responded in unison, and it hit me all of a sudden that I had made a mistake. Neither Sai nor Pep were aware I had spent one of my weekend days with the other, and now it likely seemed that both had been excluded in some way. Idiot. Learn to keep your mouth shut.

“Ah- yes, I took some of Kaburi’s time yesterday afternoon. A simple conversation for advice and discussion, nothing more,” Sai said, though her momentary refusal of eye contact gave her away. Sai was often calm and collected, but she had a handful of tells when she was nervous or lying. They were subtle, but if I had picked up on them, Pep had almost certainly done so as well.

“I guess… you didn’t need me for that, right?” Pep replied, a sad but knowing smile on her face. “I probably couldn’t offer advice half as well as Kabucchi. Hell, I probably wouldn’t have understood the conversation.”

“You misunderstand, it was simply a matter in which it made more sense to seek Kaburi’s voice than your own, it was no indictment on our friendship,” Sai said, just a touch too hastily.

“I understand, Sai-chan. Sometimes you two need each other more than you need me. I’m not upset with that,” Pep said, with a wide smile that didn’t reach her eyes. Then, before we could linger in the moment, she turned and skipped off along towards clubroom, calling back to us “race you both to club! Last one there’s a rotten egg!”

You silly fool. You’re not as good at hiding your feelings as you think you are.

“I’m sure that’s gonna be an issue I’m gonna have to sort out later. Gah, I do make a bloody mess of things, don’t I?” I said, more aloud to myself than actually looking for a reply.

“That you certainly do, though you cannot blame yourself for the perceptions of others. Only Peppi can be the master of her own feelings.”

“Were it so easy,” I muttered under my breath, speeding up just a touch to keep Pep’s back in view. The sound of quickening steps behind me told me Sai had the same thought.

Silence cloaked us for a few moments, before Sai herself decided to break it.

“…by the by,” she said, a tad hesitantly, “what was the matter Peppi spoke of? Something to do with your younger sister, I believe?”

“Oh, that? Yaki dragged the two of us and Pep’s friend Ran along to the ice rink on Saturday. Claimed it was ‘for old time’s sake’ but she actually just wanted to force me and the bitchqueen to talk out our problems. Just another Yaki scheme, getting swept up in her whims as usual,” I said, rolling my eyes a tad.

“I see… so you and Peppi went out under the guise of leisure to mend a social issue? I presume this is why I wasn’t included?” Sai replied.

“Yeah, pretty much. Yaki knew Ran and I needed Pep as a connecting bridge if we were gonna actually talk, so she only needed me, Ran and Pep there.”

“I see. So my presence simply wasn’t necessary. Even so…” I felt a slight tug on my sleeve, and turned back to see Sai’s disappointed face, “even if it’s no more than a scheme, I would have liked to have been included. Farce or no.”

Where Pep wore her feelings on her sleeve, Sai’s collected nature made her seem mostly unemotive. That is, if you’re not paying attention.

Every shift in her expression was subtle, even to the point of formlessness, but those subtle shifts told everything. The ever so slight droop of her lips, the way her eyes were dropped just slightly from meeting mine, the slight hunch in her normally perfect posture, those minuscule changes told me a wellspring of information in the fraction of a second it took to see them. And after taking in every tiny detail, I could say only one thing.

“I’m sorry.”

***

By the time Sai and I reached the club room, it seemed like Pep had done a total emotional reset. The barely hidden sadness in her smile had evaporated, and her excitable tone was back in full force.

I wasn’t stupid enough to think she was actually already all better, but she seemed to have stabilised. I just hoped that stability would last the next couple of hours.

“Right! You guys both ready?!” Pep asked, though it almost sounded like a demand.

“Ready as I’ll ever be, I suppose,” I replied noncommittally.

“Not remotely, but no good will come from hesitation. Let us get this over with, shall we?” Said Sai in exasperation.

“I suppose that’s the best attitude I’m gonna get from you two,” Pep sighed, though maintaining her smile. “Alright, I’m gonna go live in five… four… three… two…”

As her countdown reached it’s end, she nervously clicked s few times with the computer mouse, practiced her smile momentarily, and then began to speak once again.

“Gooooood evening everyone! My name is Peppi, I’m joined by my very good friends K and S, and we welcome you all to our return stream!”