Chapter 477:

Unable to touch grass

En Passant Grandmaster

With things settled on the men's side, all focus shifted over to the women's side. With Tenju's early victory, momentum was on their side, but that didn't stop chaos from unfolding in Iori's game.

The game had opened with pure chaos with Ilmi moving her pawn to d4 and Iori doing something she had never done before; moving her pawn to b6.

"What the hell is that!?" Ilmi scowled as she moved her pawn to c4.

"I don't know, just felt like trying it out against fodder like you," Iori shrugged as she moved her bishop to b7.

"It's known as the English Defense. Not the greatest, but after that girl played c4, things evened out. Ironic since she essentially juxtaposed into an English Opening," Mimoko thought as Ilmi moved her knight to c3.

By Iori standards, things were looking pretty tame, especially after her play of pawn to e6. But after Ilmi moved her pawn to e4, in came an on-brand king e7 from Iori, shocking and pissing off Ilmi.

"Are you... ARE YOU FUCKING MOCKING ME!?"

"No shit."

"Well fuck you too! CHECK!" Ilmi fumed as she moved he bishop to g5.

"Kneejerk check. Guess the grass you touched after so long gave you an allergic reaction that made you stupider," Iori snickered as she moved her pawn to f6.

Ilmi clattered he teeth in fury as she moved her bishop back to e3. "I DO have an allergy to grass, and it FUCKING SUCKS! I put my hand down in it, RASH! I lay down in it, ITCHIES! I WANNA TOUCH GRASS, BUT I FUCKING CAN'T!" she shouted as she slammed her bishop down on e3.

"Lol, you just retreated to the cave," Iori snickered as she moved he king to e8.

"GOT A PROBLEM WITH CAVE DWELLERS, HUH!? CHECK!" Ilmi fumed as she slammed her queen down on h5.

"Nah, most my fans are hikikomoris. But that doesn't mean we don't crack edgy and offensive jokes here. That's the Iori-chan brand!" Iori winked as she jiggled her breasts and moved her pawn to g6.

"Don't flop around those surgical slop mounds in front of me," Ilmi snarled as she gazed down at her much smaller breasts by comparison before moving her queen to d1.

Unbeknownst to Ilmi, she had just triggered Iori in the worst way possible.

"Why the fuck does everyone thing my natural pide n' joy was gained through a fucking breast enlargement surgery, huh!? MY MOM WAS A FUCKING IRONING BOARD, AND I THOUGHT I'D BE JUST LIKE HER, BUT THANKS TO NATURAL DIETING, FITNESS PLANS, AND EATING EVERY DAMN THING I COULD GET MY HANDS ON WITH BREAST ENLARGEMENT PROPERTIES, TAKE A FUCKING LOOK! PEAK FEMININITY!" Iori fumed as she moved her bishop to b4 before pulling up her bra top to expose her breasts to Ilmi.

The sound of clattering teeth echoed throughout as light blue veins appeared in Ilmi's eyes. "SENKIN VITUN SLOP HEILUVA HUORA [YOU FUCKING SLOP JIGGLING WHORE]!" she roared as she slammed her knight down on h3.

"Don't speak whatever the hell you just said, but I do speak "check"," Iori snickered as she captured the knight at c3 with her bishop.

"It's Finnish... FINNISH! Just how much does the world not know about us ever since that day!?" Ilmi scowled as she captured the bishop at c3 with her b-pawn.

"Geography ain't my major," Iori shrugged as she captured the pawn at e4 with her bishop.

"You act like you're a Ewetuber. Well I'll have you know I used to be one before everything went to shit and I practically became a digital lifeform," Ilmi glared as she moved her pawn to d5.

"'Digital lifeform'? The hell?"

"I'M FUCKING SERIOUS! Thanks to that racist fuck head's experiment, everyone in Finland got turned into digital freak humans, billed as humanity's evolution. Except we couldn't fucking leave Finland! Turns out the "oh so intellectual genius" didn't account that science is trial and error, and that our "evolution" was incomplete! Now the only way for us to regain our physical forms and maintain the "heralded traits of human evolution" was for someone form the outside to be turned into a "conduit" and used to bring us back out! I hear he did this shit to others in Babylonia, but improved the process so that they could actually venture out, but would still be incomplete unless they got a conduit or a battery pack thingy."

Iori nodded as she digested the info. "Shit sounds real important, should probably relay it to Oki-kun when this is over. Guess now the ghosties' power makes sense, but what the hell were they doing in Babylonia then? Whatever, first comes winning this shit," Iori thought as she moved her pawn to h5. "So by "conduit", do you mean you now posses the body used for it forever?" she asked aloud.

Ilmi clicked her tongue and shook her head as she moved her knight to f4. "No. I don't know how this shit works, but I should be able to ditch this corpse once this match is over and exist just fine in the world."

A grin spread across Iori's face, but not as a result of what she just learned. Rather, she had finally sought what she was seeking after her 4... Ke7 play; an advantage.

"What's with that look?" Ilmi scowled as Iori moved her pawn to e5.

"You'll find out," Iori giggled as Ilmi shot her a glare while moving her knight to d3.

Now with an advantage, Iori put the peddle to the medal and moved her pawn to d6, while Ilmi entered a think before eventually moving her queen to b3. Then came a slight, but not disastrous, misstep from Iori in the form of pawn to f5. Though it ultimately didn't matter as Ilmi made an even bigger and far more disastrous misstep by moving her knight to b2.

Now Iori was free to march her pawn up to f4, further angering Ilmi, who was forced to retreat her bishop to d2. Iori then moved her knight to d2, while Ilmi, visibly frustrated with how things were going for her, moved her rook to d1.

"Lol, what's that gonna do? If you wanna see peak big brain chess, THIS is what you should do," Iori snickered as she moved her king to f7.

"THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO DO!? It's just a taunt, A FUCKING TAUNT! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A HAUGHTY SLIOP TITTIED ASSHOLE!" Ilmi fumed as she slammed her knight down on a4.

"Looks like Oki-kun isn't the only one riling up ghosties, or such I just call you glitchies? Whatever," Iori shrugged as she moved her queen to h4.

"G- 'GLITCHIES'!? I'M FUCKING HUMAN! I was only digitized because that fucking racist shit mop over there subjected us all to his experiment without consent!" Ilmi shouted as she pointed at Olavi while moving her queen to b5.

"Hmm, I did hear that guy is shit. Don't think me dissing and roasting you means I like him. In fact, bastard's exactly the kind of archetype I want to kill the most," Iori snarled as a nasty glare overtook her face while she moved her g-knight to f6.

Ilmi was taken aback, and even slightly terrified of Iori's sudden shift in tone, but quickly regained he disdain towards her after Iori corrected her scowl to a smug smile. "Bitches like you are the reason I don't like going out," Ilmi grumbled as she moved her bishop to e2.

"Hmm, so you're admitting you're a hikikomori?" Iori smirked as she captured the pawn at g2 with her bishop.

"Tch, YES! Us Fins are generally introverted. Got a fucking problem with that!?" Ilmi glared as she captured the pawn at f4 with her bishop.

"Nope. And thanks for the bishop," Iori smiled as she captured the bishop at f4 with her e-pawn.

"Ugh, ALWAYS INSUFERABLE!" Ilmi fumed as she slammed her rook down on g1.

"Says the girl who's about to lose," Iori taunted as she moved her h-rook to e8.

"I'm tired of you. Fuck off!" Ilmi growled as she captured the bishop at g2 with her rook.

"You're the one that dragged me to this dimension to play," Iori huffed as she moved her pawn to f3.

"Not by choice!" Ilmi fumed as she moved her rook to d2.

"Doesn't matter since this counts as the 9th round match anyway, anyone who played us was gonna get swept 4-0, so rejoice that you're now part of this epic flex," Iori grinned as she captured the rook at g2 with her f-pawn.

Ilmi let out a frustrated scream as she slammed her rook down on b2. She knew she was losing, but she also couldn't stand being in Iori's presence any longer. Luckily for her, she'd now only have to deal with her for just 4 more moves, as she had just blundered into mate in 4.

"I'll take a queen with that check, waitress," Iori snickered as she moved her pawn to g1 and promoted it to a queen.

The move forced Ilmi to move her king to d2, but if anyone thought she'd resign or rush towards the fastest checkmate possible from this position, they were wrong.

"Check! Know what I just did, or have you been living under a rock too long to know about, the ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!" Iori taunted as she captured the bishop at e2 with her rook.

"You fucking... I FUCKING KNOW HOW TO PLAY CHESS, YOU IDIOT!" Ilmi fumed as she captured the rook at e2 with her king.

"I was actually referring to that Gotham city guy that's trying to be a grandmaster, you know, the guy how loves sacking rooks," Iori stated as she captured the pawn at f2 with her h-queen, checking Ilmi and forcing her king to d3.

"I- I've heard of him... I watch his videos."

"And now you might even be able to meet him now that you're out and about. Checkmate and welcome to the grasslands, motherfucker!" Iori snickered as she slammed her knight down on e5, winning the game.

"AGAIN! YOU ALWAYS PISS ME OFF!"

"Save it for the comments. I'm a Ewetuber just like you thought, so for losing you gotta like n' subscribe or I'll shave you head bald!"

And with that, the women's side had clinched their match victory following Azenira's win shortly after Iori's. Yet despite that, Irja was no Juha-Pekka, and was determined to try and beat Daria.

The full game:

White: Ilmi Hollo (2058) Black: Iori Ishikiridokoro (2444)

1. d4 b6

2. c4 Bb7

3. Nc3 e6

4. e4 Ke7

5. Bg5+ f6

6. Be3 Ke8

7. Qh5+ g6

8. Qd1 Bb4

9. Nh3 Bxc3+

10. bxc3 Bxe4