Crazy, crazy Tankman

Kisha smiled as she sat alone in her studio. "Welcome back. Just as quickly as all those guests came, they're gone. But you can be sure the music video they're filming as we speak will be broadcast here first... I hope. Anyway, we still have more content, so come on out, TEAM COSTA RICA!"

The 5 members of the Costa Rican men's team all entered and sat down, with the exception of Tankman who just stood in place.

"So, you here cuz of the tankbot?" Kisha asked.

The leader of the group, Štefan Picante, nodded. "Yes, this guy's the main reason we even became a team."

"What do you mean?"

"It all started back in June..."

...

A few months ago in Costa Rica, Štefan received a call to find a group of lost hikers. He managed to track them to a cave, said to be the passage to a secret underground city.

As he ventured inside the cave, he found a skeleton covered in purple jelly, which he quickly identified as Jalea Esqueleto, one of the missing hikers. At his feet were three journals, which were assumed to be from his other missing companions, Fred Duras and some other person Štefan didn't bother to care about.

Opening Fred's journal revealed nothing but chess notation, which would ultimately serve to inspire Štefan on how to solve the problem he was about to encounter. Next was Jalea's entry which contained an entry which Štefan read aloud.

"'My name is Jalea. I am an archeologist. I'm here at this cave because my good friend, Refik Osmanagić, told me he believes there's a link between the underground city here in Costa Rica, and the pyramid in Bosnia and Herzegovina. Thus, I ventured alone to see if the rumors were true... AND THEY ARE! bet if you aren't me and picked up this journal, you'd be thinking I'm full of shit. WELL I'M NOT!' Yeah, sure buddy."

As soon as Štefan turned the page, he was greeted with a sketch of a humanoid robot of sorts. It was labeled "BEK-R1J1" and appeared to just be a bunch of tanks slapped onto a guy in a suit. This was actually a sketch of Tankman himself, which Štefan would discover in seconds as if on que, tankman came rolling up out of the darkness.

Then more mysteries arose as music began playing out of nowhere and Tankman began moonwalking and singing. "Sarajevo, Rogatica, Višegrad, Vlasenica Tu mi leži pokraj srca. Zvornik, Tuzla, Kalesija, Devetak i Kiseljak Svaki borac veseljak..."

And as he reached the chorus, he turned towards Štefan and began charging up energy in his turret face. "ARTILJERIJA!"

BOOM!

Štefan was thrust into the air, flying outside to the jungle below. Jalea had managed to cling to him to escape the blast unscathed, with the two landing in the trees below. However, Tankman pursued them for a bit, blasting at them all the way, before eventually calming down and registering them as friendlies.

...

At rescue HQ, Mannie scowled as the group returned to rescue HQ. "And did you find the hikers?" he glared.

"Yup," Štefan nodded as he slammed Jalea down on his desk.

"And this is?"

"Jalea."

"Get him off my desk."

"Sorry, but his journal says he's inhabited by a one of a kind parasitic slime. It's docile, but it likes to cling to things. Oh, and it won't multiply either. He also makes a good desk ornament."

"Do you take me for a savage!?"

"Yes?"

"Fired."

"Thank you."

"But before I formally fire you, care to explain why there's a robot with a tank for a head in my office?"

Štefan had hoped he'd pretend that Tankman wasn't there, but that wa not the case.

"It's property of Bosnia. Can you return it to them?"

"Do I look like the president to you?"

"Lovely, we're stuck with this thing. How the hell are we gonna get it back to Bosnia now? Without a diplomatic connection, I'm just gonna have to hope we run into a Bosnian official so I can dump this thing on them. But where would I even encounter one?"

As Štefan pondered that, Fred Duras' journal slipped out of his pocket and hit the floor, leading to Štefan to pick it up and be reminded of chess.

"The Chess Olympics! We'll enter as a team with Tankman, and then after we play the Bosnians, we'll give it back to them!"

"That's the stupidest shit I've heard yet. How badly did you hit your head?" Mannie asked.

"Badly, but this is the only way. We just register with the WWCF, then we all play as a team. It's perfect!"

"No."

"You want this superweapon to blow up Costa Rica? Do this for your country, dammit!"

"Fine, how many we need for a team?"

"5 is preferable, but we already got 4 people right here; you, me, Tankman, and the disgusting dead guy. And for a 5th member-"

"Who you calling a 'disgusting dead guy'!? I'm alive, dammit!" a voice roared.

Everyone turned to notice a hunch-backed man with pointy ears, standing in the entrance. It was Fred Duras. Turns out he was stranded in the jungle and Štefan just missed him, so he made his way back to rescue HQ by himself.

...

"And that is the story of how the 5 of us formed a chess team and went to compete at the Chess Olympics. Turns out Tankman was good at chess, but robots usually are. The slime in the skeleton was good too, in fact, we were all somehow 2300-level. Our national chess federation instantly approved of us being on the national team, and voila, we'll be participating in the Chess Olympics. Now I just have to hope we encounter the Bosnians so I can give Tankman back to them," Štefan sighed as he finished his recap.

"Wow, talk about harrowing. So what exactly is the deal with Tankman?" Kisha asked.

"According to the notes, Tankman is allegedly a guardian of the Bosnian pyramid, that got teleported here when the indigenous people that lived in the underground city allegedly tried to summon a guardian. I know, it sounds like some dumb fanfic a kid would write online, but as you can see, here is Tankman."

"Hmm, you mentioned Refik, his daughter Esma's the DSPCM from the place where those Bosnian pyramids are. She's at 6B though, so no talking to her until it's over. but the men's team? They all should be around."

A relieved smile spread across Štefan's face until maniacal laughter from stage left sent a chill down his spine. Turning, he noticed a large fat man in snakeskin red pointy shoes, a green court jester suits, and a purple jester hat with his unshaven face smeared with clown makeup.

"Buwahahaha! Crazy, crazy Ludi here to claim... SUPERWEAPON! BUWAHAHAHAHA!"

This man was Ludi Joker, the leader of the Bosnian sect of Jester's cult, and one of the craziest of the bunch.

With the flick of his wrist, goopy dough paste shot out and restrained everyone in place, with Kisha ending up gagged in addition to being bound.

"MMPH NGH MMPH NGH [THE HELL'S GOING ON!]" she fumed as she struggled to break free.

"Buwahahaha! Tvoje tenkovsko oružje je sada moje! Ja ću ga modifikovati u moj Golf i predstaviti ga Jesteru. Kupit će mi jebeni Audi za moj trud [Your tank weapon is now mine! I'll modify him into my Golf and present it to Jester. He'll buy me a freaking Audi for my efforts]," Ludi snickered before turning to face the camera proper. "Buwahahaha! Welcome to Ludi's kitchen! Today, we are making... CRAZY PIZZA! BUWAHAHAHAHA!"

However, his scheme was about to end just as quickly as it began thanks to Tankman charging up a blast.

"CRAZY TANKMAN!" Ludi cried as he was blasted and sent flying, much like his master, Jester, was infamous for doing.

The short-lived evil plan thwarted, everyone was quickly freed.

"Ugh, I already had to change clothes... You know what, shows over. We'll still air the Malasangre video, but that can be done from the comfort of my room. See ya," Kisha grumbled as she stormed off.

"Uh, what about Tankman?" Štefan sighed.