Wind gently blowing against my face as I lie down peacefully in the soft grass, hearing the sounds of the trees, and the sounds of birds off in the distance, I begin to look back at my life wondering "where did I go wrong?", "what mistake did I make?", "how'd I end up in this state?", I asked myself that over and over again, trying to find something or someone to blame. But, I already knew the answer to that, I couldn't admit it back then, but now was different. I finally realized it.
Fall of 2016~
I was still in my 2nd year of junior high, had a decent amount of friends, and I wasn't really the popular type of guy in school, but I was enjoying life. Me and my neighbor would always play outside and just have fun, I didn't have a phone at that time, so that's all I pretty much could've done. He was one of my closest friends in junior high, we'd hangout a lot at school and off school. We'd always walk home with each other and have a blast. Life was great, but then I had gotten the news that I was moving away.
"I'm sorry ame, but we are going to be moving away"
"But mom, what am I going to do about Keiya, I don't have a phone"
"I'm sorry sweetie, you'll have to say your goodbyes."
Knowing that I was going to have to leave behind all my friends and most importantly my best friend, was the worst news I could've received. Having no way of contacting him, we said goodbye and parted ways.
A New Life~
We arrived in our new home in Tokyo, I look out the window realizing this is my new life.
"Sigh.... I have to make friends all over again. Will I even fit in? will they even like me?"
I was also never the one to fit in at school, nor was I not liked that much. So I new immediately I was going to have a hard time.
And then, they began.
""Do these people like me?? Was my first impression alright??? Why is everyone giving me a weird stare?? Is something wrong with how I look??""
My mind began overflowing with bad thoughts and that is when I started to doubt myself.
The next day came and I got ready for school. When I got to school a kid came up to me and started to talk to me, I had thought I finally made a friend! But that wasn't the case.
"Hey what's up dude! Your name is Ametaido, right?"
"Hey! and yeah that's my name, it's nice to meet you"
"Cool, but I just came over here to tell you that two girls don't like how your personality seems."
"Oh..... I see"
"Sorry dude, that was all."
""So it turns out people really didn't like me.""
So I distanced myself from everyone, filling my mind with thoughts like imagining what other people think about me. Having no one to hangout with, I sat alone. I was thinking to myself, I had thought that maybe it would've been different, that maybe people would actually like me, that I'd make more friends. But no, that wasn't the case. Days kept going by, people kept giving me weird looks and laughing at me non stop.
-Look at him!-
-who's that kid? Imagine being alone hahaha-
-Couldn't be us!-
-Ew he looks disgusting!-
""I give up, all these people can go, they can go--''"
I stopped myself, as hard as it was I brought myself back. I came home with a longing face, I go to my room and turn my fan on, and lay down in bed. But those words the people said kept coming and coming and they wouldn't stop.
-HAHAHAHA what a creep-
"Why, why me. Out of all the people."
I was sad, but no tears came out that entire night. The morning came and I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and told myself
"You know what, I'm gonna change my whole personality and start new."
That is when I started to change myself, I started to act differently, I was by the wrong people taking influence from them, corrupting my mind, I started to give up on life, and just not care. I began to tell people lies, things that weren't true about myself, things to make me look better.
""HAHA this feels good, telling people all these lies to make myself look better""
I began to lie, I wanted to make myself better than other people. I began to become very selfish in my own ways.
My 2nd year of junior high ended and now I'm going into my 3rd year. I am completely different than how I used to be, if I were to look in a mirror I wouldn't have been able to recognize myself, at all.
I get to school and find my new class. I get sat down by the these two brothers, one was social and the other wasn't really social. I didn't think I'd ever talk with them because we seemed so different, but as days go by I realized that me and the brothers were a lot alike. But I gave no thought of it, as I new that they wouldn't accept me as a friend because of how I was. But then we had a team project to do and the two brothers unknowingly invited me into their group, and we suddenly started to get closer. They accepted me, as a friend, even though they knew how I was.
""Did I actually make friends? There's no way, there's no way.""
I started doubting myself again and filling my head with lies.
""Don't lose yourself Ame, just continue to lie to them like you have been to everyone else.""
That is what I told myself that day, to continue lying. And that's what I did, I lied to them a whole bunch, and they never knew. As the days go by, it's almost been a whole month since I've known the brothers, and we've grown closer, and they keep getting nicer to me when I'm over here lying to them. My feelings are so mixed up, I don't know how to act anymore, or feel anymore, at that point I barley knew what it was to feel true feelings. I was so lost.
"Hey Ame! Wanna hangout this weekend?"
"Wha- Uh, sure!"
I didn't know how to feel or how to express it, I was finally invited somewhere after I have moved. After so long, someone cared for me, but I didn't know how to act or how to feel. So I continued to be the same Ame everyone knew, a liar.
The day of the hangout came and the brothers family was super nice to me, they treated me like their second son. I was so confused on why everyone was treating me so nicely when I wasn't that good of a kid. They bought food for me and treated me well.
""Wha-, why? Why are the so nice?""
""What's going on?? people are finally being nice to me??""
"It's good to be friends with you, Ame!" Yeah, Ame!" said the brothers
"...........I-... It's good to be friends with you too."
And thus began my journey to find my true feelings.
To Be Continued~