The Worst Flower Yet!

They say you can't judge a book by its cover.

And they're wrong.

As it turns out, 99 times out of 100? What it says on the tin? That's exactly what you're getting.

Consider, for instance, the latest predicament in which I had inexplicably found myself.

First off, I was trapped in an oversized sandcastle.

As if that wasn't bad enough, outside was a forest of huge, overgrown weeds.

And this was all happening on what was reportedly, and what I was now pretty sure was indeed, the most cursed beach in the world. Meaning, of course, that the setting here was as enormously overblown figuratively as it was literally oversized.

So it should come as no surprise that when me, Snowball, and Fence pushed past the also-enormous double sand doors leading to the heart of the witch's manor into an oversized circular ballroom lit by the grainy candlelight of a cobwebbed sand-elier hanging from the ceiling, we were met by something just as gargantuan as this larger-than-life situation would, with all its out-of-proportion hugeness, suggest.

Two somethings just as gargantuan, in fact.

The witch was wearing a big, floppy, pointed hat, out of which spilled a waterfall of pitch black hair, broken only by two sparkling earrings patterned after the waxing moon. The brim of the hat came halfway down over her eyes, but not down far enough to obscure her evil smile. She had sounded ancient over the speakers — so old I would have bet she rode dinosaurs to school instead of the bus — but now that I saw her in the flesh, I realized she probably wasn't that much older than us. Speaking of flesh, though…

My gaze drifted downward. (← complete coincidence)

I gulped. Hard.

Not because we were face to face with the which. But because we would have been face to face with her if she wasn't at least a head taller than all of us and wearing a swimsuit so skimpy you could hardly even see it. Instead we were more like face to… uh…

"Kekekekekeke…" the witch cackled. "Welcome, children, to the heart of my lair! The belly of my beastly domain! If this castle is my realm of evil, then here, where we now stand, is its very bosom."

Her word choice was spot on.

"Coconuts…? No wait… watermelons?" Fence was doing some serious mental geometry, I could tell.

I bet if he put this much effort in on the regular, he wouldn't have to take remedial math this summer, I thought.

Then again, couldn't blame him. You were lucky if the average high school math class provided even one small reason to care.

Let alone two huge ones.

Without warning, a chill crept up my spine. Was it just me, or was there suddenly a serious aura of bloodlust emanating from… wait, not the witch? Then where?

"Would you pervs get💢… a💢…"

"Ack! Behind me—?!"

"... GRIP💢?!?!"

I spun around just in time to see my lunch before I ate it: a heaping, rainbow-colored helping of spring-loaded, bedazzled rubber boxing glove, straight to the kisser, served up by none other than Snowball. It had come straight out of a trapdoor on her camera.

"BWAHGHGHG!" For the second time that day, I ate sand. "N-nice camera mod…" I mumbled from the ground as the world spun around me.

"Thanks!" Snowball smiled and pumped her fist in joy. "It's activated by a little switch I installed next to the shutter! I just knew adding an extendable boxing glove to my camera would come in handy someday!"

"Heh. I get it," Fence said. "HAND-y?"

Snowball laughed uproariously at that, and when she was done said, "I named it the Super Punch 💖!"

Snowball reached a hand down to help me up but retracted it just as quickly and crossed her arms and frowned. "Wait, no!💢 I'm supposed to be mad at you! Hmph!💢"

So I just had to get up by myself. Sigh.

As I shook like seventeen pounds of sand out of my shorts, the witch started monologuing.

"Wow, you guys are funny!" She smiled brighter than the summer sun and clasped her hands together over her boo— I mean, err, over her heart.

She continued: "You know, you all seem like really good frien—" Suddenly her eyes globed bigger than basketballs as she realized her mistake. "I mean, wait, no!!! F-forget I said that ok?! Let me start over… AHEM. Welcome to my maniacal world of demented evil! Kekekekeke… Hahahahahahaha!"

She spread her arms wide, bony fingers tensed. It was then that I noticed some of the finer details of this so-called witch's lair.

For instance, the domed ceiling was circumferenced by a series of sand gargoyles, their claws sharp, their evil maws twisted into horrible grins, and their awful bodies clothed in frilly princess dresses, most of them pink.

On the ground — well, except for the part I'd fallen on and messed up — was inscribed a demonic sigil emblazoned with winding runes and circular signs for the conjuring of demonic magic. And at its very center, where the witch stood, with a few doodles of cute animal characters like the ones my sister used to draw in her notebooks during her Hello Kitty phase.

"You're, uh…" I started to say, but stopped myself.. Would it be rude to tell her this to her face? Well, it was pretty rude of her to trap us in this stupid sandcastle, I decided, so I might as well pay her back a little. "You're not very good at being an evil witch, are you?"

"Awwwwww, rats!" She stomped the sand. "I'm trying, ok?! It was my precious pet who wanted to roleplay as an evil enchanted forest, so I'm doing my best for their sake!"

"Your precious what now?" I would say I was starting to get a bad feeling about this, but that would be tantamount to ignoring everything that had happened up till now. No, I was continuing to get a bad feeling about this.

"My precious pet, Aphrodite! Don't pick now of all times to start playing dumb. I'm sure you saw her outside the castle."

Now it was Snowball's eyes that went wide. "You mean those huge plants outside are your pets?"

"Not 'pets' — pet. Singular. She's all one big venus flytrap." The witch grinned like a proud parent. "Cute, right?"

Snowball gasped with excitement. "Wow! A huge venus flytrap plant! That is so super cool!"

"Gotta agree there. That's pretty sick," said Fence.

Oh come on! Seriously? I mean, yeah, sure, it wasn't every day that you saw megaflora like that, and it was pretty neat and everything. Plus it explained why the "forest" outside the manor looked so off, and why the stalks fanned out near their tops to practically block out the sun: it was the titular "flytrap" parts of the plant, spread out and ready to capture prey.

But had they both forgotten that those things were what was keeping us trapped in here? The witch said it before, right? That her "precious pretties" or whatever were blocking the exit? She must have been talking about those crazy carnivorous plants!

"Aphy always loved fairy tales and princess stories," the witch explained, all calm, like this wasn't the most batshit thing we had heard all day.

Snowball gasped. "Me too! I always wanted to be a princess when I grew up! And I still do!" I guess since Snowball was already technically one of the most genius scientific minds the world had ever seen, she had her sights set even higher(?).

"I'm Sandy, by the way. And my cut lil' venus flytrap is Aphrodite. Aphy for short." The witch — Sandy — offered her hand.

Snowball took it and gave Sandy a firm shake. "Snowball."

Me and Fence introduced ourselves too, me begrudgingly and him nonchalantly with one hand behind his head and the other picking his nose.

Sandy continued: "Aphy always wanted to be a part of the stories that she loved so much. That's why I took today's beach trip as an opportunity to let her live out her biggest dream and become an evil forest outside a wicked witch's castle. Snowball, I know this is a bit sudden, but we have the enchanted forest and the witch. Would you mind being our princess?"

"Not at all! I would love to."

"Oh, brother," I said.

"Turn that frown upside down, cause you're gonna be the prince."

"Me?!"

"Why not?"

"Hmm…" With a hand to her chin, Sandy looked me over. "I'm not so sure. I mean him? Really?"

And what was that supposed to mean? I could be a great fake prince, I'd have her know! I mean, probably. If I put my mind to it. I just didn't want to have to go to the trouble was all. Yeah, that was it.

"But, well," Sandy eventually said, "I guess we might be able to make you fit the bill. I mean, look at me." She cocked her head to the side, stuck out her tongue a little, and bonked her head cutely. "The whole evil witch vibe isn't really me, but here I am. In the end I tried my best, but…"

"Yeah, dude." Fence finished her thought for her. "This place is more goofy than it is creepy."

So that was it? This was all just a big joke? If so, I guess it was on me, since I seemed to be the only one here still acutely aware of how bad this room smelled and halfway to doubling over because of it.

Seriously, what was that?

It was like the whole room was emanating some noxious invisible gas.

Didn't anyone else smell it?

I voiced my concerns.

"Now that you mention," Snowball said, "I still smell it too."

"Yeah, dude," Fence agreed. "We were so caught up in everything we musta not been paying attention, but it's still there." He stuck out his tongue and pinched his nose performatively. "Yuck!"

"Oh, that?" Sandy said, confused at our obvious displeasure. "That's just my little rafflesia arnoldii here."

Sandy stepped aside to reveal the source of the smell: a massive red flower growing out of the sand, with whitish discolored spots on its enormous petals.

"You guys know of the rafflesia, right?"

"Otherwise known as the corpse flower, right?" asked Snowball, her nose pinched.

"I've heard of it too," I said, trying not to gag.

"Huh. Looks kind of like the flower growing out of whatshisname's back," said Fence. "What was its name again? The greenish blue dinosaur plant guy."

Oh yeah. The evolution of one of the starter monsters from that world-famous monster collecting series. Venus—

I was interrupted by a hacking fit brought on by literally the worst smell I had ever experienced in my life.

"There there." Snowball patted my back gently. I thanked her silently. Maybe having her stuck with me wasn't such a bad thing after a—

"And THERE!"

SMACK.

"Owww!!"

Never mind. I take it back.

To be continued!