15th March 2025 - A Mixer

Got a call, the introversion in me kicked in. Didn’t want to pick up the phone but I did. Ryo asked me out. I never intended to go, but Ryo insisted. “You’ll rot in your apartment if you keep dodging these things,” he said, half-joking, half-concerned. “You’ve been single for as long as I remember. Do you really want to die alone?” he asked. Ryo didn’t really know what these words meant to me at the moment, it wasn’t his fault. I was the one who kept secrets. Those words struck a chord in me, so I decided to tag along to the gokon, a mixer — six men, six women, a smoky izakaya tucked somewhere in Shibuya. Wasn’t my first rodeo, but I’d always felt uncomfortable attending these. Something just felt unnatural.

That said, I have to admit that the ladies in attendance were all so beautiful. There never was a short supply of beautiful ladies around Shibuya. Everyone looked like they were celebrities. Well dressed, well-mannered with an irresistible sweet smile. Though they look extremely attractive, something about them just felt way off. The session started when everyone was in place. We did some simple ice-breaks and everyone introduced themselves. The ladies started first. I tried to listen — I really did — but every conversation felt like reading an instruction manual. Too precise. Too rehearsed. Something straight out of a drama scene. Scripted and cliche.

When it was my turn, I gave them their name and introduced my job. The moment I said “cram school teacher,” something shifted in the air, much like I expected. Their eyes didn’t roll, but I saw the downgraded interest, flickering across their faces. Like flipping through profiles on autopilot. “Ah, that kind of guy,” I imagined them thinking. Their reactions were far different compared to the engineers and law practitioners in the group. To be fair, they weren’t mean. Anyone would also, out of personal interest, choose someone who they think can give them the life they want. I so happen to not be in that category. In the end, it was just... transactional.

Nevertheless, despite their downgraded interest, they still attempted to hold a conversation. The discussion was rather hollow, asking about what I like to do during spare time, trying to show interest, while I can clearly see she was eyeing on other male participants. Amongst the participants, there was one lady, with a cute dress and a tied up ponytail, she felt a little out awkward and out of place. Out of curiosity, I went up to strike a conversation with her. It seemed like she was also a tag along as I was. Saori-chan, we had the same taste in filmography and shared a lot about our favourite movie and drama. We ended up only talking to each other while others were busy getting to know one another.

An hour later, they all agreed to continue at a nearby karaoke. One couple left, to you-know-where. Saori-chan and I left together to find another place to continue our conversation. We walked together under the still-chilly sky, the last fragments of winter clinging to the air. Slipped into a quieter izakaya, the kind that plays Showa-era tune and smells like yakitori grease soaked into decades of wood.

We settled down, I ordered a highball, while she got herself a whisky sour. It was a better atmosphere to chat and get to know one another. I asked what kind of future she envisioned having. She smiled, and replied.

“I wanna be a loving mother to my kids, a loving wife to my husband. In my free time, maybe I will draw manga. It would be great if my work gets published.”

That sounds like a rather wholesome future. Knowing that, my face froze up. She picked up on my changes and asked me if something was wrong. I didn’t know what to tell her. On one hand, I think she is really a good person, we are pretty compatible and she’s someone I think I will fall for. On the other hand, her future… Is something I’m not sure if I can provide.

“Are you… just looking to have fun?” she asked, while staring straight into my eyes. I know my answer, but I contemplated whether to tell her the truth. Would it be better if I just lied? Or maybe I should tell her the truth, something I haven’t told anybody, not even my closest ones. I looked into her eyes again, I can tell, she’ll figure me out if I lied. Woman’s intuition is a lethal weapon, something I have learnt over the years.

I took a deep breath and apologized. I told her that, due to some complications, I cannot promise her any future. While she looked disappointed, she didn’t press any further. Feeling guilty, I think I should at least let her know.

“Actually, I don’t know how much time I have left…”

Her expression changed from disappointment to concern. I told her what had recently transpired. She patiently listened to what I had to say. After the whole confession, I think both parties felt a sense of relief. She was glad that I wasn’t the type of person she thought I would be but also felt sorry for the situation I’m in. I told her she shouldn’t be as there was nothing we could do about it. I was glad I finally was able to let it all out. It was a cathartic moment for me. 

“Let’s drink our sorrow away!” she suggested while ordering another round of drinks. I concurred. Probably the best thing I can do for tonight.

A little tipsy, Saori-chan whispered to me, maybe you can try to use a dating app to get to know more people. I told her about my experience using it before, and that it wasn't going anywhere. She snatched my phone and took a good look at my profile. Shook her head.

“Here, let me help you.” She scrolled through my gallery to find some suitable photos to be used as a profile picture. None of the photos she saw were satisfactory, so she took one of me on the spot. Even advised on what poses and expressions I should be making. The old one made me look too serious, she said. Like someone applying for a job, not love.

“About the bio,” she took a hard look at me. Pondered in thoughts, then typed in my phone. “Here, what do you think?”

"I don’t smile often, but I do once in a full moon. I’m not looking for someone perfect — just someone honest, even when they’re tired. If you’re carrying something heavy, I won’t ask you to put it down. Just let me walk beside you for a while."

“Hey, you will pick up the bill right?” she winked and asked cheekily.

“That’s the payment for the profile that you helped me set up,” got the bill and paid for it.

“No matter how bad, do not give up, okay?” she asked as she pat me on my back.

“I will try," I replied with a grim grin.