10th March 2025 - Bucket List

“We reviewed your MRI in detail”

All I remember next was discussions about lesions and the size of an object that is foreign to my brain.

“We cannot determine if it’s malignant or benign without further observation”

“The good news is that it is not in an operable location. Removing the tumor may pose a risk to your language and motor functions, so we’re not rushing into it.”

“We suggest you begin a cycle of medication. Something to help with inflammation, possibly steroids. If necessary, we might proceed with chemotherapy later. We will monitor closely for symptoms and get another scan in 6 weeks. If it remains stable, we’ll stay conservative. If not… ”

“So… it is still cancer right?”
I asked, softly.

“I can’t say for sure, but let’s take it slow, okay?”

My classes were scheduled at night, so I went back for a short rest before heading back to the cram school.

I taught math tonight - linear functions. I drew a perfect diagonal line across the whiteboard. A student yawned. Another played with her phone under the desk. Normally, I would feel agitated, frustrated, taking a deep breath, trying to control myself not to shout at them. But today, it felt different. It feels like it's not going to matter much. Some things are just out of my control, and I think I should just let things be as it is, not trying to force it in any way.

If they don’t learn, let them be, it’s their life they are going to live anyways.
Why be so strict on them?
Why be a voice of reason? If at the very end, only my feelings got hurt...

…

It’s not my first time seeing this, experiencing this, but I’ve never thought of it like this, not until now. 

It’s the first time ever I felt like nothing mattered.

Why?

In the end, I think my responsibility as a teacher got the better part of me, I told them off as I always would. 

They didn’t react or respond.

Again, why would I care? It’s their life.

Had a long day at work. After class, I grabbed a konbini onigiri and a can of coffee. The coffee aroma as I cracked open the can, did soothe me a little. My head is now hurting less. Maybe it’s the caffeine, really a medicine of wonder.

I got a call. From an old friend. He said he was a few stations away and asked if I wanted to drink.

"No." 

That was my usual answer. However, this time I wanted to change, to try something different. 

I asked him for the location of the meet.

I headed to the izakaya. The aroma of grilled chicken fat and tobacco filled the air. He was already there, with a cigarette on one hand, and a yakitori on the other. 

He raised his hand to greet me as I walked over.

“How’s everything?”

We went over what happened recently to us. I kept my diagnosis a secret, I just told him that I was not feeling too well, and had several visits to the hospital.

“No worries bro, 30s is just a start. Life will get better, it’s not even the peak yet”

That line struck me. I let off an awkward giggle. I think he was too drunk to realize.

No matter how many highballs I downed, I still couldn’t feel the alcohol in my bloodstream.
It was as if I was numb.

We ended our session there. We didn’t go for round 2.
He was too drunk and I do not want to miss the last train.
We parted ways and I headed to the train station.

I reached the station near my house. The rain started while I waited at the crossing.
I forgot my umbrella, but I didn’t run. I just walked my pace, under the rain.
I liked how it sounded—like static on an old tape.

Reaching home all wet, I took a quick shower and dipped into a hot bath.

“It’s not even the peak yet…”

That line echoed in my head. I suddenly got hit with so many memories. It was as if I was looking at life in a flashback. 30 years of memories is not that long. I thought I would have accumulated a lot of achievements, good memories. 

What really stuck with me was the regrets, things that I could have done.

“How about a bucket list?”

It seemed the only right time to do it is now.

Hmmm…

Travel overseas — The last time I travelled was a business trip 5 years ago. Would be good if I could head somewhere. Maybe a place that is more relaxed and chill. Maybe a place that is warmer would be interesting. Island hopping and snorkeling would be fun.

Write my own story — I used to write short stories when I was younger. Guess the story-writing competition I won at school motivated me to write a bit. But as I aged, the passion slowly died off. As reality sets in, maybe being an author just wasn’t something I was extremely confident in. But this would be a good time to write something. Even though I don’t know if I can finish it. But does it even matter?

Be in a relationship

Too selfish
Or maybe I don't want to commit too much. 

If we just had fun together, no feelings involved, then maybe none of us will get hurt with what might happen next…

Just maybe…