Early Out

Life in prison is never easy. Bad food, worse company and the lowest-paid guards this side of the universe.

Then there’s the Spacer’s Choice prisons.

Prisoners escape every night due to faulty locking systems. Food’s making even the sprats sick. Guards are probably the dumbest sons of bitches known to man. Law forbid and they started using the inmates for their “product tests” again. Because that was such a good idea in the past.

But hey! It’s not the best choice. It’s Spacer’s Choice. And you know what that means:

Cells are grimy and rusting from all corners. They think a second coat of “no-peel” paint is going to hide the fact that they “got inspiration from other successful brands”, which means they stole it from the bigger companies who didn’t want to spend extra on quality.

You’d best not mess with your toilet, or you’ll be sleeping in your own shit by the end of the day. So you better get good at plumbing with 4th hand tools - because the 3rd hand tools are being used by the Warden, who is a complete asshole.

If the quality won’t kill you, the red tape and bureaucracy will make you wish you’d be able to buy some quality rope to hang yourself. But ever since that Board guy tried to do that in his office after they caught him tampering with the air conditioner of the room, they had to make all ropes “easy to break” to avoid these kinds of incidents. Idiots… that defeats the purpose of a rope!

In this Spacer’s Choice “infernal orifice” (we can’t call it “hell hole” because some SubLight Salvage and Shipping prick paid for the copyrights for the use of that word), we find that even the worst scum can get out if they are forceful enough, bribe enough or are clever enough to find legal loopholes.

This is the story of one particular freelancer who is getting an “Early Out”…

Some of the guards are walking towards the cells holding their weapons at the ready. They’re trying to look tough, since the head honchos had to cut the spending of ammunition, so they only had one bullet per five guards. So, naturally they were nervous under their cheap armors

All of the prisoners were making a big fuss about what was going on and called foul names to the guards, hurling insults at them. The guards tried to act tough, but they were severely outnumbered and wouldn’t be able to stand up to even the lowest crook in this place.

The guards arrived at one particular cell where a man was resting on the floor. Apparently his cot had rotted away so he preferred to sleep on the ground, even if it wasn’t too sanitary. The lead guard, a man named Lou, checked his datapad for confirmation of the prisoner’s name, the orders that came in today and the papers he would have to sign before the end of the day.

Lou grumbled under his breath and angrily banged the barred cell door.

“Hey! Falco! Wake up, you bum! The order just came through! You’re gettin’ an Early Out, so get your ass up!”

The prisoner glanced from his resting position towards the guard and slowly got up with a loud sigh.

“Well, it took you long enough, Lou. Didn’t I tell you I wouldn’t last a year here?” Falco smirked behind the barred door at the guard.

“I swear… if it weren’t for the fact that I’d be buried in paperwork for an entire month I’d have shot you since day one!” Lou’s anger was clear to all that saw him. He never liked wiseass prisoners like Falco, and the fact that he was getting an Early Out, meant he’d be free to leave this “infernal orifice” while he was stuck acting tough as a prison guard for Spacer’s Choice.

“Well, it’s probably for the best. Wouldn’t want you to bust your hand writing all day long now would you?” The cocky smile from Falco made Lou furious, even more so because the other guards were trying to hide their laughter.

Falco was well liked by the guards, and some of them even went to him to find out easy ways to make their paperwork run smoothly and save them time, and money, whenever they needed something. All of it legal, of course…

“Enough!” Lou finally growled out, making the other guards fall silent. “Open cell, number 24-7!”

The radios started squawking back and forth as orders got crossed between departments. Lou was getting even more furious over the fact that they were taking so long to do something as simple as opening a gate!

“Here, let me help you with that Lou…” Falco took a step closer to the cell door, moved his hand past the bars, reached into the locking mechanism of his door, jiggled something inside of it and the door opened up!

“W-What!? Are you trying to escape now?!” Lou raised his weapon at Falco who simply held his hands up.

“Escape? Nope! I just did some on-the-spot maintenance to the locking mechanism, which is perfectly legal and approved in the Spacer’s Choice manual. But you already knew that, right Lou?” Falco grinned again, which made the guard grit his teeth.

The radios started squawking again. There was a mutual sigh of relief from all departments when they noticed that the gate was actually working “fine”. Nobody wants to wait weeks for a technician to come in and fix something that can’t be fixed…

“Get your ass out! Move it!” Lou, already having a meltdown, shoved Falco out of the cell and pushed him to move forward.

To Lou’s continuous annoyance, the prisoners and some of the guards were calling out for Falco like he was some sort of folk hero. This arrogant little shit was making Lou feel like he was the bad guy in all of this!

“Sorry, folks! I gotta go! Got places to be, paperwork to sign and a ride home to catch! Go easy on the poker, fellas!” The cocky freelancer was having the time of his life as some of the prisoners were wishing him good luck and to come visit from time to time.

Falco had to go through the whole stack of paperwork required for his release, his pardon, the waiving of "suing rights” for this “legal mistake” which was a part of the deal he made, the compensation of 100 bits for “legal council provided by a non-licensed law practitioner” (Falco had to tell the judge how to sign the paperwork for his imprisonment), and a “code of honor” signage of a paper pledging to “never commit a crime in the jurisdiction of Spacer’s Choice law enforcement”.

Next, he was pushed to claim his personal belongings.

“Well, well! Steven Falco! Our most illustrious inmate. Got your Early Out, huh?” The man behind the desk smirked at Falco who chuckled as he nodded.

“Guess the Law’s got a sweet spot for lil’ ol’ me.” Falco side glanced at Lou who was staring daggers at Steven.

“Uh-huh… What was it again? A ‘clerical mistake by the arresting officers’.”

“That’s right, Jack!”

“Uh-huh… according to the report I read, it says that when you were arrested, the officer signed that your name was,” Jack checked some papers and adjusted his non-prescription glasses, “...wait, it says here you were written up as ‘Stephen Bilco’. Is that right?”

Falco shrugged and smiled wryly, “Happens all the time, Jack.”

“Uh-huh… but I also see here that when you were brought in, the registry clerk signed you in as…” Again Jack had to rummage through the paperwork. “Geez… are you kidding me!? They put you in as ‘Wilhelm Balto’!”

“Guess the top brass didn’t care to teach some of these folks basic spelling, Jack.” Falco’s smirk was growing wider by the minute, which made Jack and some of the other guards laugh up a bit. Lou was the only one who continued to glare at this cocky spacer.

“Uh-huh! So, what was it again? ‘Unsupervised transferring of non-Board products to a non-Board approved establishment?’”

“Nope! It was the ‘Emergency delivery of supplies of legally acceptable aid to a settlement for humanitarian purposes.’”

“Uh-huh… so smuggling?”

“‘Humanitarian purposes!’”

“Uh-huh… They gave you 6 years, right?”

“Yup!”

“But you got Early Out in 6 months.”

“They said I needed some time to think about what I did. 6 months is plenty of time, don’t you agree?”

“Uh-huh… Well, no matter. That’s none of my business anyways.” Jack went back to his papers and took out a sealed box. “Let’s see what we got here for you Steven…

- 1 pair of boots… mid-quality, no-mods, worn… Raptidon-leather-imitation.

- 1 pair of socks… low quality synthetic cotton… got a nasty hole in one of them.

- 1 Vintage denim jeans… these must’ve cost a fortune! No! Wait… made in Monarch.

- 1 Long-sleeve shirt… dirty and smelly. Ever heard of deodorant Steven?

- 1 Jacket… synthetic leather, weather modded… Pristine condition!

- 1 Cowboy hat… synthetic felt… is that a bullet hole there?

- 1 Untouched packet of “Chairman Brand Cigarettes", now these are valuable.

- 1 Bit card with 163 bits in it.

That’s it! I’ll need you to sign these off before you walk outta here, Steven. You know the drill.”

Falco was about to sign the papers so he could collect his things when Lou stepped in.

“Hold on, Jack!” Falco and Jack stopped moving when they heard Lou talking. “He can’t walk out of here with those cigarettes.”

“Uh-huh… and why not, Lou?” Jack looked at Lou with a raised eyebrow. Falco however looked like he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“According to the prison regulation manual, no released inmate is allowed to walk out of here with stimulants or other products that could impair their judgement and cause them to revert to a life of crime.” Lou smirked devilishly as he saw Falco grumbling to himself as if defeated.

“Uh-huh! I think you’re right Lou,” Jack rubbed his chin thoughtfully, “Standard regulations require us to retain these items for disposal. But, this is Falco we’re talking about, Lou! He wouldn’t go out and start smoking right after being released!”

Lou glanced at Falco who gave him a pleading look to just let him go and have his cigarettes. But the vengeful Lou was having fun tormenting the smartassed criminal.

“No! Rules are rules. And there are no loopholes for this.” Lou approached the desk and took the pack of cigarettes, stashing them in his pocket. “As a Spacer’s Choice approved law enforcement officer, I will dispose of these ‘potentially harmful’ items so as to ensure that our good friend Steven Falco won’t commit any crimes.”

“Oh! Come on, Lou! This is bullshit and you know it! Just cut me some freaking slack, will ya?” Falco began to call out to Lou who triumphantly shook his head, finally able to get one against Falco.

“Sorry! Law’s a bitch sometimes, Falco.” The laughter of the guards boomed in the room as Falco sighed in defeat, signed his papers and collected his things, minus the cigarettes.

“Uh-huh… my hands are tied on this, Steven. Sorry about this.” Jack managed to whisper to Falco while he was signing, but noticed that he wasn’t depressed or sad. There was a smirk of mischief on his lips.

“Don’t worry about it, Jack. Lou’s got a point. Rules are rules.” Falco went through the motions of changing his clothes, now fully suited up in his space cowboy gear and feeling like a new man after 6 months in this place.

Lou and the guards still escorted him to the prison’s main gate. Even though this prison was in a tiny moon, it was still the dumping ground for most Spacer’s Choice criminals. So they had to make sure that those that left actually leave, while those coming in are processed correctly.

When they reached the main gate, it was already open (apparently a service ticket had been made for repairs but there was a backlog that would cause a delay). The guards on the outside noticed who was being escorted out and smiled.

“Hey! Steve Falco! You got your Early Out, huh?” One of the guards approached as Lou and the other escort guards filled in their paperwork for the gatekeeper.

“How you doin’, Phil? You got my 20 bits for that Tossball bet?” Falco chuckled as he also signed his absolutely -Final- release form with Phil.

“Sorry, Steve… I can’t cover it right now.” Phil scratched his head at the embarrassment which made Lou grumble still.

“Ah! Don’t worry about it. If you ever get some unpaid-leave, look me up! We’ll have a couple drinks and watch a match or two. I hear the Rizzo’s Rangers signed a new star!” Falco finished signing the forms, rubbing his hand in the process. Damned red tape…

“Hah! I don’t see that happening anytime soon, Steve. You know how those requests get bogged down in the line. So don’t hold your breath.” Phil looked genuinely depressed at the notion he’d be stuck at his post for… well… forever.

“Just pass it down to through the legal department as a ‘necessary recollection of vital motivational resources’ and they should free you up in about a week,” Falco’s words suddenly caught the attention of every guard listening in to the conversation, which made Lou start up with anger again, “Just be sure not to mention what kind of ‘resources’ you’re getting in your request and they shouldn’t give you too much trouble.”

“Hey! Are you gonna stand here all day jabbering or are you getting out of here? You stick around and I’ll put you back in for obstruction of law enforcement duties!” Lou barked out which made the other guards and Falco roll their eyes.

“Come on! I’ll take you to the space port. It’s the least I can do for your help, Steve.” Phil patted Falco’s shoulder and led him outside the walls of the prison. Falco was free again!

After he took a few steps outside, Falco smirked and turned around. “Hey, Lou!”

Lou turned around and stared at Falco angrily from a distance. “What do you want scab?”

In a surprising move, Falco opened up his arms widely and mockingly called out to Lou. “Do you need a hug, cranky bottoms? You look like you could use a lil’ love. Waddaya say? Shall we hug it out now that I AM FREE!?”

Lou’s anger had finally exploded! He ran up towards Falco, stepped outside of the prison walls and confronted Falco to his face.

“GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS ALL OVER THE SYSTEM!”

The guards had to restrain Lou from getting too close to Falco to be considered an aggression. Falco, taken aback, stepped back and shook his head.

“Geez… say it… don’t spray it. No need to yell, Lou. Just trying to make peace with you, that’s all.” Falco fixed his hat and jacket. “Fine, I’m leavin’. I’m sure you won’t miss me…”

Falco turned around as he was walking with Phil the guard. Lou had to take several deep breaths to calm down. Falco really made his life a living hell. He hated him with all his guts! But at least he had taken something from him. His precious cigarettes.

Lou and the guards began to walk back into the prison’s walls. When Lou crossed the threshold again, the alarms went off with a loud blaring! The automated systems began to activate the sentry guns and perimeter guard robots staggered towards the main gate area training their weapons at Lou!

The guards that were following Lou suddenly noticed they were not the ones being targeted and instinctively trained their weapons at Lou, not knowing what else to do!

“What the hell!? What’s the meaning of this?!” Lou, in his confusion, was looking around him noticing that all their security measures were pointing at him!

A monotone-robotic voice began to bellow out:

“WARNING! CODE 2319! ILLEGAL CONTRABAND DETECTED!

SUSPECT! DROP ALL OF YOUR WEAPONS OR NON-BOARD APPROVED WEAPONS AND PLACE YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD, OR ANY PLACE THAT WOULD MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO REACH FOR A WEAPON!”

Surprise and horror was painted on Lou’s face as he realized that HE was the one being considered a suspect!

“Contraband!? That’s absurd! I don’t have anything on me that wasn’t-” Then it dawned on him! The cigarettes he’d “confiscated” from Falco! The moment he stepped outside of the prison walls, anything that wasn’t Spacer’s Choice approved would be considered “illegal contraband” leading to the suspect to be treated as an “illegal provider of illegal consumer products” if they walked within the perimeter, basically a smuggler! Punishable with 6 years in prison!

“Suspect! Drop your weapon and put your hands over your head! Do it Lou!” The guards that had been following Lou were now issuing commands to him. Treating him like a criminal!

Lou dropped his weapon and did as ordered, putting his hands over his head. Completely in shock and disbelief, he realized he’d fallen into another of Falco’s tricks! When he looked towards where Falco was, he noticed that he was looking right at him with a triumphant grin!

“Falco… you little shit!”

“Sorry! Law’s a bitch sometimes, Lou!” Falco tipped his head at Lou while he was being dragged back into the prison for processing.

“What was that all about?” Phil looked over at Lou as he was being dragged kicking and screaming inside the prison.

“He probably forgot the rules for a moment.” Falco shrugged and continued to walk with Phil towards the spaceport for arrivals and departures. “So, how am I gonna get outta this rock? Ferry? Spacer’s Choice ‘taxi’ service?”

“Actually, someone’s here to pick you up, Steve!” Phil looked at his datapad innocently, not noticing that Falco’s face had suddenly darkened.

“Someone… you said?” Falco’s face began to show large beads of sweat as Phil nodded at his inquiry.

“According to port security, your… wife is here to pick you up!? I didn’t know you were married, Falco! Why didn’t you say so before?” Phil looked at the sweating Falco with curiosity.

“It’s… complicated… she didn’t know I was… imprisoned.” Falco had to wipe the sweat from his face to try and keep his nerve. “Was she… angry?”

“I dunno…” Phil checked his datapad again. “Says here that your wife was… ‘very polite and sweet in her request’ when asking about you.”

“Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit!!! This is bad… really bad…”

“Huh? But… she was acting sweet and polite, Steve!”

“Yeah… and that means she’s gonna kill me slowly…”