Doin’ the Business with the Missus

Phil had only known Steven for six months, but he was, by far, one of the best pals he’d ever made, and he had been an inmate no less! He always had that smirk of his, or walked like he wasn’t afraid of anyone or anything.

Now, as he walked with his pal to the spaceport, he saw him pale and frightened. Ever since he told him that his wife had come to pick him up, his attitude changed. For a moment, he believed that maybe Steven would ask to be put back in prison rather than face his wife! What kind of wife was she!?

When they appeared inside the port, the guards recognized Falco and smirked. One of them pointed out to one of the platforms where a ship was waiting.

The Maverick’s Missus.

She wasn’t the most stylish or the most sought out ship out there, but she was tough and had character. At least that’s what Falco said. But now, when he looked at his beloved ship, he was horrified.

“Steve. You alright buddy?” Phil and the other guards were watching as Falco looked around as if trying to find a place to hide.

“I… might need to use the can, or something. I’m not too-” While Falco was trying to stall the situation, the ship’s P.A. system came online with a loud bit of feedback.

“Steven Falco.” a woman’s voice came out from the ship’s P.A. system. Her tone was polite and held a certain sweet tone to it, even if there was a bit of ice behind it. On one of the guards’ datapads, the image of a pretty woman with glasses, impeccably dressed, neat hairstyle, a calm and composed demeanor came to life. She looked like the personal secretary of a corporate big shot. She was all business.

“I can see you. Would you kindly join me on the ship? We need to talk, -Captain-.” Her image disappeared from the datapad leaving Falco frozen.

The guards looked at Falco who was on the verge of a panic attack. They grinned at him and began to pat him on the back to build his courage.

“You’re in trouble now, Falco!”

“The missus is gonna scold ya now!”

“There’s still a chance to go back to your cell, you know.”

All this encouragement didn’t help Falco who gave out a loud sigh of resignation.

“Guess it’s time to face the music…” with the look of a man walking into death-row, Falco tipped his hat to the guards. “It was nice knowing you, fellas. Remember me during poker night, alright?”

Phil couldn’t help but feel sympathy for his friend. Bravely, he walked towards the hatch of his ship, almost waiting to be disintegrated before he even got close.

“Let me open the hatch for you,” the ship’s main hatch opened up with a loud bang, which startled the guards. “Come on in.”

The moment Falco stepped into the ship, the hatch closed out almost violently as if the ship had swallowed Falco whole. The guards felt a sense of dread and concern for their poker buddy. If Falco was afraid of his own wife, what kind of wife was she!?

The guards were about to leave when they began to hear the conversation between Falco and his wife. Apparently, the P.A. system had been left active, or they just couldn’t turn it back off…

Therefore, everyone was able to hear them!

“Aina? Honey? I’m home!” Falco’s voice was cautious and seemed to try to placate whatever lived inside.

“Steven Falco, how many times have I told you to avoid attracting attention? Getting arrested is NOT on the itinerary!” The voice of Falco’s wife boomed so loudly on the P.A. system that it created a lot of feedback. “…And don’t even try to give me that ‘legal loophole’ excuse again! I’ve heard it all before!”

“Aina, darling, it’s not what it looks like! I mean, it is what it looks like, but… there were mitigating circumstances!” As usual, Falco was relying on his wits to try and get a foothold. “Besides, I got Early Out, didn’t I?”

Suddenly the ship’s entire hull seemed to shudder as if it had been struck by a meteor leading up to sparks to shoot out and the engines to suddenly roar on for a moment! This made the guards realize that this was developing into a full blown fight!

“Mitigating circumstances? You almost got yourself killed! And what about the ship? I had to reroute power from the life support systems to keep the navigation online while you were… indisposed! Then I find out that you were imprisoned in a Spacer’s Choice prison no less! If the food didn’t kill you then the sprats would’ve!”

“Aina! Darling! Just let me explain!” Falco’s pleading voice through the P.A. system crackled loudly while his wife continued to yell at him.

“Steven,” His wife’s voice suddenly turned stern and professional. This made the entire ship suddenly fall completely silent save for the P.A. system, “this is unacceptable! You know the protocol for off-world procurement!" The P.A. suddenly sparked with feedback, "...and don't even get me started on the amount of paperwork that had to be done to ensure your release was done precisely as the Board approved!”

“Baby, I’m so sorry for dragging you into my stupid shenanigans again. I believed this was an ‘honest-to-Law’ proper deal to help out, but, as it turns out, the supplier threw me under the bus.”

“Unbelievable, Steven Falco! I’ve told you time and again that you need to check all regulated suppliers of ‘non-Board approved’ items in order to make them legal!”

This last comment made the exhaust ports hiss loudly as they pushed out unnecessary gasses… almost as if the ship had huffed with exasperation.

“Darling, you’re absolutely right! I messed up big time, and I had to pay the price for my dumb actions.” Falco’s tone of voice suddenly began to change from pleading to almost inviting. “Darlin’, I never EVER meant to put you through this. You’re the only one I’d never want to hurt. C’mere…”

The sudden change of tone made some of the guards feel a little bit awkward. Has Falco managed to calm the wrath of the missus?

“No! Steven… I’m still mad at you. No amount of clever explanations or witty remarks are going to make me forget about this!” Falco’s wife was still pushing back, but her voice had also lost its ice.

“This ain’t about asking you to forget about this. By all means, Aina. Remind me. Every single time I’m about to make a dumbass mistake like this. ‘Cause baby? I’m a hopeless case without ya.”

The guards looked at each other with disbeliefs. Was he actually using those cheesy movie lines? His wife sounded like a career woman who would see through his bullshit in no time flat!

“You really are hopeless without me, Steven Falco.” Her voice suddenly got soft and sultry. As this change happened in her voice, the ship suddenly seemed to “loosen up” as the exhaust systems slowly vented gasses rhythmically, the lights seemed to dull a bit and the engines seemed to… purr.

“You know you’re my one and only. I’m nothin’ without you, babe.”

What is this!? The rerun of a bad rom-com!? The guards couldn’t help but sigh with awkward dismissal.

“What am I going to do with you, Steven? You owe me for this…” Her voice now sounded almost like a newly-wed bride.

“How about you and I take some time and have a lil’ private time together? It’s been a loooong time since I gave you ‘The Business’.” The way he accentuated the word ‘business’, suddenly made the guards blush with a loud gulp!

“Steven! You… you’re serious!?” Her voice suddenly softened, almost like a whisper. “I… suppose it’s been… a while… since you and I…” The P.A. system suddenly crackled, making her words distorted. The ship seemed to sway slowly and rhythmically.

“Darlin’... by the time you and I are done, I’ll leave you purrin’ like a kitten. I promise…”

“Oh! Steven!” When she said those words, it almost felt like the ship’s hull had suddenly overheated. The engines emitted a low sputtering sound.

Unable to bear this any longer, Phil said his goodbyes to his colleagues and left the spaceport. If Steven was going to get intimate with his wife, he didn’t want to hear a peep about it!

A couple of hours later, Phil was minding his own business at the gate while watching how their sub-contracted technicians were making themselves look like they were actually trying to fix the damned gate. He was about to pass out from boredom when his radio squawked.

“Uhhh… Phil? This is Spaceport Security. Ummm… we… we need you here, man. Falco’s been… errrm…” The radio went dead for a moment. Phil was confused until he suddenly heard a VERY loud female voice screaming on the verge of what could only be described as pure sexual release!

“What the hell is going on over there!?” Phil used his own radio to contact port security.

“Uhh… Phil. Please get over here and talk to Falco? He and his wife are a bit… ummm… rowdy?” A sudden roaring of spaceship engines could be heard from the spaceport which made Phil realize something bad was about to happen!

“I’ll be on my way!”

The moment he arrived at the spaceport, Phil was assaulted by the sounds of a man and a woman in a VERY loud “intimate liaison”. When he looked at the other guards, they all had the exact same face of being flabbergasted. Phil looked at them, mouths agape, and pointed at Falco’s ship swaying side to side. Its electrical systems were firing up like crazy. Lights were flashing from the inside of the vessel. And the engines were emitting a trembling emission.

To make matters worse, they could hear the whole interaction between man and wife!

“Steven!!! Wait! I… I’ve not done this sort of thing before! T-that’s the wrong… OH!!!” The woman’s voice was a mix of surprise and sensuality unleashed.

“Don’t worry about a thing, babe… I just need to lube it up and I’ll fit juuuuust right…” Falco’s voice sounded husky but also labored. Whatever they were doing it was physically exhausting!

“*GASP!!!* S-Steven! Ahh!... you… you’ve never gone this deep before…”

“Whoa! Babe! You’re gushing over here! Got some of it in my tongue…”

Phil was suddenly VERY much aware of the situation!

“Guys! Hey! Focus!” Phil had to redirect their attention to him, making the guards turn their heads slowly at the same time. The embarrassment they felt from listening to this raucous activity had robbed them of almost all sense. “I’m here, what the hell do you want me to do!?”

“T-Talk to him?” One of them managed to blurt out just as the ship suddenly began to shudder. The engines began to fire up as if getting ready to go into hypersdrive!

“S-Steven!! I…I can’t… hold…. It!” Her voice almost exploded on the P.A. system.

“Al…most… THERE!” Falco’s voice sounded like he was trying to force something to fit!

For several moments the ship suddenly began to light up like a christmas tree! The sound of engines going into overdrive and weapons systems going into meltdown filled the spaceport along with the sounds of a man and woman screaming at the peak of ultimate pleasure!

Soon after the sounds died out, the ship began to slowly hum to a silence. Almost as if someone had flipped a switch and killed its power.

“Oh… Steven!” Her voice came out sultry and spent. Exhausted for what might’ve been the best night of her life!

“Yeah… what’d I tell ya, babe… you an’ me? We fit… perrrrrfectly!” Falco’s husky voice was followed by her giggling along with him.

Phil, unable to hide his own embarrassment from having listened to a married couple doing “the Business” nodded at his colleagues.

“T-Tell him… we’ve had… noise complaints… and… it could be a…” The guard talking suddenly gulped loudly. “‘I-Indecent behavior with a female companion in a Board-approved spaceport’... please tell him to get off world… we can’t take this anymore…”

“Oh shit!” Falco’s voice suddenly sounded surprised. “I think I left this on…”

“Oh… Lover… just leave it on… I enjoy it… that spot… right there…” Her voice sounded filled with utter satisfaction.

Phil approached the ship’s main hatch and quite hesitantly knocked on it.

“I think I’m good for another round, darling. Feel up for round 2?” Falco’s voice was filled with confidence while the P.A. system seemed to suddenly spark up with short circuits.

“Steven Falco… you’re an animal… I can barely function right now… I… I need a minute…”

Phil grumbled to himself and banged the door of the hatch again. “Steve? Steve, could I have a word with you?”

“What the hell!? Who is that?”

“Steven… it’s that nice guard, Phil… I think he wants to talk to you…”

“Awww… hell! I was just getting warmed up here! Just sit tight, darling. I’ll talk to him and see what he wants…”

“Don’t be so hard on him… maybe he could give you a hand?”

Phil suddenly felt his blood climbing to his skull. Give them a hand!? What the hell kind of marriage is THIS!?

The sound of someone bumping and stumbling against metal crates and tool boxes was heard from within the ship. To make matters worse, Falco’s voice sounded angry. Phil straightened out and cleared his throat, but he couldn’t hide his embarrassment, or the effect their little act had on him and the other guards who were inching closer to the ship.

“Just a minute! Where the hell are my pants!?”

“Hyperdrive room… you tossed them when you pushed deeply in…”

“Oh yeah… Found ‘em!”

A few seconds later, the main hatch of the ship opened up slowly letting out a stream of hot steam from within. At the threshold of the ship’s hatch was Falco wearing nothing but his pants and a pair of foggy goggles. He looked like he’d just stepped out of a steam bath followed by a rainstorm: drenched in sweat and “other” fluids from head to toe. Breathing heavily as if he had just run a marathon, he looked at Phil with a puzzled expression.

“What’s up, Phil?” He asked matter-of-factly.

“Steve. I hate to interrupt you while you’re… umm… you’re…” Phil stammered with his words while Falco stared at him like he was an annoyance. “Spending time with your wife!”

“Don’t worry about it. You did catch me when I was getting to the best part though…” He smirked wryly.

“The thing is… ummm… Steve, that there have been some… some… noise complaints! Yes! And-and-and…” Phil was being overwhelmed by the weight of trying to explain himself to a friend while his friend was having an intimate encounter with his wife!

“You look like you’re trying to tell me something important, Phil. Why don’t you step inside and talk to me while I finish Aina’s maintenance?” Falco patted his arm encouragingly and went back inside the ship.

“Wait… maintenance?” Phil suddenly felt like he had missed an important part. He stepped inside the ship and took a quick look around while Falco hurriedly scampered off to what appeared to be a very dimly lit engineering room.

Everywhere Phil looked he saw engineering scraps and pieces of weapon mods and other technological gizmos that were definitely way above his pay-grade.

“Baby! We got visitors! Hope you don’t mind. Phil’s trying to tell me something but I dunno if he’s constipated or something…” Falco moved away from Phil’s sight as if he had dove into a pool.

“It’s alright, Steven. This gives me time to recover.” The inside of the ship suddenly lit up, allowing Phil to see clearly. From the engineering room he heard the sound of Falco’s wife. Her voice was still smooth and flirty. “Come on in! Don’t be shy…”

“Umm… s-sorry for in-interrupting… m’am?”

Phil wasn’t prepared for what he saw.

When he stepped into the engineering room, he saw Falco crawling inside an engineer’s panel in nothing but his pants and the goggles. The glimmer of a hologram lit most of the room. The hologram had the shape of a lovely woman in her disheveled office uniform. Her hair was completely loose and fell mostly over her back with some of it on her face. She behaved like she’d just had the most fun in her life and smiled as she watched Falco work.

The hologram turned to look at Phil. In true bridal enthusiasm, she waved at him demurely, but had a mischievous smile on her lips.

“Hello, Phil. I hear you’ve been a good friend to my Steven. I thank you for your kindness.” Her sweet smile was followed by a playful giggle.

“Phil’s a good guy, darling. Which is why I haven’t given him the boot yet… Now, where is that network uplink…?” Falco wasn’t paying much attention to Phil.

“Wait a minute! You’re telling me that… your wife is an AI?” Phil suddenly felt like an imbecile!

“Technically speaking I never said I had a wife. Besides,” Falco’s head suddenly popped up from a side panel. “It’s not like I could actually marry her. More’s the pity…”

“What my insensitive lover is trying to say,” The hologram suddenly seemed to glitch out for a moment. The woman on the hologram seemed to put her glasses back on, buttoned up her blouse and fixed her hair into a ponytail, “You made the assumption that I was a woman of flesh and blood. Which means that the port guard failed to confirm the veracity of my state of being.”

Phil was suddenly confused by the big words being used. Falco’s head popped out of nowhere again. “She means you didn’t double check. So, that’s on all of you.”

“Now. Officer Phil,” The woman adopted a sitting posture as if she were behind a desk, “I understand you wanted to talk to us?”

“Errm… wait! Hold on! Before that… what should I call you?” Phil rubbed the back of his neck in confusion. The other guards, growing a backbone, peeked inside the ship to look at the interaction between Phil and the AI woman.

“My designation is Artificially Intelligent Navigational Assistant.” She fixed her glasses in a proud manner. “But, Steven prefers to call me Aina.”

Once again, Falco’s head popped out of nowhere from the ceiling of the engineering room like a mole. “That’s not all I like to call you, babe…” He grinned at her devilishly.

“Oh, stop it, Steven! Not in front of these gentlemen.” She said the words, but her eyes and smile told everyone she enjoyed his attention.

“Umm. Right! So, anyway! Miss A-Aina. The reason I had to come here and-and-and…” She waved at him to keep the conversation going. “Right! We had a number of noise complaints and there was even talk of throwing in charges of ‘indecent behavior with a female companion in a Board-approved spaceport’.”

“That’s preposterous! I’ll admit that we might’ve been a bit loud while Steven was running maintenance, but I assure you- Oh! Steven! Stop that!” Aina’s face suddenly glitched into her more ‘sultry’ expression for a second.

“Sorry, darling! I just found the uplink and I’m already optimizing energy flow and connection speeds. You should be feelin’ it in a moment…” Falco’s voice was heard from under the floor panels. Sure enough, the ship suddenly stirred as the engines stabilized its energy output and Aina’s holographic form became clearer in perfect definition. This also had the effect of making Aina look like she just had a very steamy kiss.

“A-As I was saying! Gentlemen,” Aina cleared her throat and fixed her glasses again, but not without letting out a sigh of pleasure, “These allegations are preposterous. Meaning, they are baseless. Captain Falco was conducting standard diagnostics and maintenance procedures as per the standard manual for ‘Spaceship Maintenance - the Halcyon Way’ which is Board-approved and stamped by the Halcyon Holdings Department Spaceflight and Transit.”

“B-But! What was with all the noise and-and-and…” Phil once again got stuck with his words. “What the hell was all that racket!?”

Aina sighed slightly and started to look down on Phil who was at his wits end.

"As per standard starship maintenance protocol, Captain Falco was conducting a comprehensive diagnostic of The Maverick's Missus's core systems. This involved...mmm...direct interface with the primary power conduits and... *GASP!* ...fine-tuning the auxiliary thruster relays. S-Steven… that’s…” Aina looked like she was struggling to finish her words but suddenly let out a loud gasp. Even the ship seemed to vent out gasses again but this time it felt cool. “Oh my!... That’s… quite the calibration, Steven! I-I mean, the systems are now within… optimal parameters.”

A panel from the opposite side of where Falco had disappeared suddenly slid open, letting him crawl out of it completely drenched in sweat and lubricant gel.

“I had to slip deep into your system core to make sure you were nice and lubed up, darling. You should be feelin’ like a million bits right now.”

Phil and the guards still couldn’t make sense of all of this…

“So, darling, wanna round it up for ‘em? Make it easy to understand?” Falco was wiping his hands with a rag while he stood beside the hologram of Aina who seemed to lean against him.

“As I stated previously, Captain Falco was conducting standard diagnostic and maintenance procedures. Any fluctuations or… thermal discharges there might’ve been or disrupting sounds were all part of this deep maintenance that had to be done. Therefore, this noise complaint would be a bogus charge since it is expected these things will happen.” Aina fixed her glasses again and looked down at the guards.

“As for the ‘indecent behavior’ thing,” Falco stepped in and removed his goggles, smirking magnanimously at Phil and the guards, “as you can see, fellas, there's no 'indecent behavior with a female on Board-approved spaceports' here. Because, you see, that clause specifically applies to 'humans.' And last I checked," Falco gestures to the ship, "there's no law that stops me from giving the… business to the Missus. And by that, I mean my ship."

Aina’s hologram suddenly flickered with a glint of disapproval in her eye at that last comment made by Falco. “Steven…?”

“Right! Sorry, darling… our ship.” Quickly catching on Aina’s shift in her behavior, he smiled at her apologetically. “So there you have it, fellas! Case closed!”

Phil didn’t even know what to say anymore. His colleagues were completely dumfounded at the dynamic they had just witnessed.

“Umm.. Steven?” Aina suddenly looked flustered… demure even.

“What’s up, babe?” Falco turned to look at her.

“I’m ready again…” Her hologram suddenly shifted entirely. Gone was the office uniform and instead she looked like she was about to jump in the shower with only a towel on. She then looked at the guards who couldn’t find a word to say. “Time to go home, boys.”

Falco moved over to the guards and began to shoo them off the ship.

“You heard the Missus! Out, out, out!!!”

“Wait! Steve! At least turn off the damned P.A. system! Everyone in Halcyon can hear what you two are doing!” Phil finally managed to say.

“P.A. system!?” He looked at the hull of the ship. “Babe! Did you install a P.A. system on the ship?” He went back inside the ship and closed the hatch.

“Why do you worry about the inconsequential, Steven?” Aina’s voice was WAY too loaded with suggestive tones. “Are you gonna keep me waitin’, space cowboy?”

“No, M’am!”

Phil couldn’t take it anymore… he left the spaceport without looking back. The other guards were left with no other choice but to wait for their shift to end. The constant sounds of a married couple having intimate activities together lasted for several hours into the night. And yet, they couldn’t do a thing: They were technically allowed to do this…

By the time Phil’s shift ended, he saw the Maverick’s Missus finally taking off and leaving the moon.

“I need a vacation…”