The epitome of bad luck

The United Kingdom was under the effects of a heat wave. The thermometer measured thirty two degrees Celsius. It was paramount to stay hydrated and to stave off the heat by any means necessary. It was for that reason that a college student decided to kill two birds with one stone and get a coffee from his favorite hot beverage franchise. He was standing in queue all dressed up, wearing a blue blazer, a red tie, a white undershirt, blue trousers and sneakers. He looked at the cracked screen of his smartphone. There it was, after sifting through his received files, he found a time chart displaying the presentation of the group projects.

He was fortunate that his group was the last one to show the fruits of their labor to the whole class. He spitballed the distance between his car and campus and with some quick calculations, he concluded the following in his mind: I might just make it on time if I go over the speed limit for a while, accept that I'll get a ticket for not parking properly and run like a track athlete after leaving my car. Oh, it's my turn already. Good!

The young man moved to the front of the queue. The cashier wasn't taking his order yet, so he looked at his reflection on the glass counter. He became absorbed by the manly Adonis that he admired. He was certainly not homely, that is for sure. He possessed straight brown hair, thick eyebrows, deep hooded hazel eyes, a Greek nose, high cheekbones, thin lips and a chin that bothered him to that day because it protruded a bit too much. A trait that did not bother him was his height, which was average among his age cohort.

"Good morning, sir."

The college student was too busy trying angles and expressions to answer. One of them would make him a heartthrob, so he posed for his booked photography session. The cashier greeted him again.

"Sir."

The young man was too enamored by his image to respond. He backtracked, convinced it would help him find the elusive "true" angle that would make the world see him like he saw himself. He bumped into the next person in line while he was distracted. They happened to be an old lady. She hit him on the back with her purse as a gesture of disapproval. Some of the people in the queue reprimanded him for bumping into an elderly person. He turned to them briefly before taking some steps forward and mumbling:

"Sheesh, there are no manners in this modern world."

The employee repeated himself:

"Sir?"

"Good morning. The usual order."

The clerk looked at him frozen in place. The young man reclined himself over the counter and placed his forearms on it. He then realized what the problem was. He spoke:

"Oh, that's right, you're new. We haven't met. I'll have a macchiato for takeaway."

"What is your name, sir?"

"I'm Elbert. E-L-B-E-R-T."

The clerk proceeded to do his job while Elbert turned his gaze towards the street. He was entranced by a blue eyed blonde wearing a low cut pink blouse and blue shorts. He stood next to the queue, using her phone to type. Elbert stood straight and cogitated while the clerk served him his coffee: That's the one.

The college student took a bottle of water from the counter and showed it to the clerk. The staff member operated the cash register. Elbert paid and left the coffee shop with the two items. The blonde girl from earlier was still there. Elbert smirked to himself because he thought: She must be writing War and Peace if she's still typing. The young man crouched and carefully placed his macchiato on the ground. He then opened the bottle of water at the same time he incorporated. He took a sip of water, then turned to the girl. She was typing. He positioned himself right in front of her and extended his free arm. This caught her attention and she ceased typing. Elbert communicated with her:

"Hey. I took notice of your existence and I just wanted to tell you one thing. I'll be brief."

The blonde nodded, half of her attention still on her smartphone. Elbert expressed his feelings towards her:

"You're showing too much skin!"

And he splashed her with water by aiming the bottle nozzle at her and hitting the bottom of it with his left hand. Her clothes were damp after Elbert's little stunt. She recoiled out of instinct, and didn't fully process what happened by the time Elbert retrieved his macchiato and left the scene.

Elbert chuckled to himself in his car, the expression of the victim of his prank still fresh on his mind. She was utterly shocked. Elbert patted himself on the back for his bold move. I bet that's the first time a man has inconvenienced her in a long time. Good job, me!

A few minutes later, Elbert was speeding in a long straightaway. At this rate, he would arrive in class just as the former group was done with their presentation. All was well in life. Until a group of morons decided that they too wanted to ignore traffic laws. The college student heard a police siren, and spotted a car going the opposite way in his lane. He saw the driver with half his body hanging out of his window for some unknowable reason, which meant that he wasn't seeing him and he had to do all the evasion. The young man steered to the left. It was the wrong maneuver. The other car collided with the rear end of his vehicle, sending him spinning a few times. Thankfully, his ride remained firmly on the straightaway at all times, preventing a flip from occurring. Elbert remained safe and sound. One couldn't say the same of the people in the other vehicle, which spinned out of control and crashed into a guardrail.

The young man's heart was racing. After all, he just had a major scare. It was time for him to pick himself up and resume his way to college. Although Elbert took just a bit too long to compose himself. The police car he had heard stopped next to him. When he saw the officer come out of his vehicle to check on him, he knew he was very unlucky. He would be stuck there for the purposes of car insurance and relaying the events, and it was very likely that he would be required to tell his experience multiple times, at that. Owing to this accident, all the chances he had at being fashionably late to his presentation went poof. Elbert hit the steering wheel out of frustration. The officer was talking to him through the closed window and gesturing at him to lower it so they could speak. Elbert shook his head and said no out loud multiple times. He was not going to let the knaves who got in the way of his presentation get away with causing the accident. He ignored the officer and stepped out of his vehicle.

Elbert didn't listen to the officer. He was dead set on letting the other driver have a piece of his mind. He clenched his fists as he approached the crashed car. He shouted at the wreckage:

"Oi! Stand up and show yourself before me, Lazarus!"

A man wearing a white T-shirt with yellow spots and a pair of jeans crawled out of the car. Elbert finally had an outlet to discharge his negative feelings on. He talked to the survivor:

"Hey! Repeat after me: I'm sorry I just thwarted a handsome young man's career because I was a drunk who couldn't wait a few hours to drive."

The survivor said a five syllable word in a foreign language that Elbert didn't know. Following that, he pulled a handgun and aimed straight at the college student. Elbert raised his arms into the air, scared out of his mind. The survivor pulled the trigger. A loud shot disturbed the peace of the environment. Birds that were nearby took flight.

Elbert collapsed to the ground on his back. He gazed upon the clear sky and he pondered on the infinite and how unfair it was that his life turned out to be infinitesimal in scope. Lofty thoughts entered his mind, such as the fact that he had failed to achieve his dreams and develop himself as a person. It was all being taken away from him at such a young age, and in such a ridiculously unlikely fashion, too. Elbert's cognition came to an end with him posing a final inquiry to the universe: How could my life have been if I weren't so gosh darn unlucky?