A Chance of Resurrection

We arrived for Junpei’s funeral.

I thought stepping out of the car and into the fresh air would help me breathe. Nothing changed. My throat continued to feel as though it was being strangled, and the heavy winds on this cold, winter morning aggravated my suffering.

Having to wear a tie only made it worse. No matter how much I tugged at it with my numbing fingers, it devilishly hugged my throat, refusing to loosen even just a little bit.

“Stop messing around with it, Taro. Otherwise you won’t look smart enough for Junpei,” my mother gently demanded as she readjusted it perfectly.

“Sorry, mother.”

I could barely look her in the eyes, and I wanted to tell her how much I was fighting the urge to rip the tie, no, all of this fancy clothing off. It made me sick how I had to dress like this for such a terrible day. If there was one thing I needed at this moment, it was to feel comfortable.

But I wasn’t going to let my whining shatter what was left of my mother’s will to put on a fake smile. She never deserved my childish squabbling, especially now.

Sometimes I’d forget that parents had emotions too, and could feel the same things I feel. How before all of this, they were just like us – caring about nothing except how they were going to have fun, and then later figuring out what life had in store for them.

“Stop looking at the floor. Make sure you greet everyone properly. We haven’t seen them in a long time.”

I lacked the strength to respond, but I had promised myself to do as she said. I dragged my eyes from gazing at the dreary grounds of the cemetery and squinted bitterly at everyone in front of me.

Why were they all smiling and laughing? Even if they were masking their true feelings, I didn’t appreciate it. It only made me think that they didn’t care enough about Junpei.

Usually the sight of my cousins, aunties and uncles brought an uncontainable smile that my face rarely ever let out. Now that smile had been destroyed, and replaced with an expression of emptiness. It's a shame that our reunion had to be under these unfavourable circumstances.

After my immutable face discomforted anyone who tried to make small talk with me, the coffin arrived.

At first, I didn’t look at it. It’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s that I couldn’t. Acknowledging its existence meant finally accepting the harsh reality that I was living in. I wasn’t ready for it…not yet.

“Ren, Taro. You can both help carry the coffin inside with your cousins. You’re both strong, young men now,” joked one of my uncles.

His cheerful face almost altered my expression of despair into one of utmost disgust. However, I was seemingly too tired for that to happen.

Having glanced over at my mother who was listening and seeing her crumbling face, I didn’t bother resisting, or denouncing his inappropriate tone.

Six of us then hoisted up my little brother on our shoulders, and began the most gruelling walk anyone could take. Though Junpei was far smaller than I was, the moment felt like a truck had fallen from the sky and was trying to crush me.

Every step felt like it took an eternity.

It didn’t help that my tears smothered my eyes and blocked everything around me. Although that’s all I had recently asked for, now wasn’t the time.

But amidst my frail troubles, I felt a hand clasp one of mine, holding it firmly. Not too hard to inflict pain, but not too soft to lack its purpose in guiding me.

Through my blurring tears I could see Ren. He didn’t look at me, but I knew he was making sure I kept up with everyone else. Though he suffered like I did, he still made sure that I wasn’t left behind. I don't think he ever wanted to ever again.

The next 20 minutes or so passed within a blink of an eye despite my attempts to maintain focus on the ceremony. The Funeral Officiant, however, brought me back to reality.

“Junpei was a beloved son.”

How could she possibly know that?

“Junpei brought a smile to everyone around him.”

Surely she says that about everyone who dies, right?

“Junpei will be missed dearly…by everyone here today.”

Of course he will. Doesn’t she have anything else to say? Something less generic and more meaningful about Junpei? As a matter of fact, why is everyone around here satisfied with her speaking about Junpei?

She doesn’t even know him.

“Now, please, everyone join me in one last prayer,” the Funeral Officiator calmly ordered as she ushered everyone to stand while awkwardly flicking her wrists from side-to-side.

Too lost in thought, I continued to sit. The word ‘prayer’ was nauseating. I wanted nothing to do with it.

But it makes me wonder. Does this lady believe in that concept pronouncing retribution? I doubt it. I know she’s just like everyone el–

“Taro. Let’s go. It’s our turn,” Ren uttered as he softly nudged my shoulder.

I started to wonder if Ren was getting annoyed at having to constantly snap me out of my daydreaming. Either way, he wouldn’t make it obvious through words.

I followed him towards the front of the room where Junpei’s open coffin lay.

An emptiness filled my stomach, and the still air scratched my eyes. Looking at the coffin made me feel as though I was trapped in one of my never ending and stressful nightmares. Except, this time, I couldn’t find even mild comfort by the fact that I subconsciously was in control. I had never felt this powerless before.

Ren couldn’t have been feeling any better. It was always more of a fact, rather than just a thought, that Ren and Junpei felt like the twins of our family, and I was born separately. Not because we would fight or hated each other; they just got on better.

They would play games together. Play sports together. They could talk about almost anything together for hours. Everything but school work – the one thing I could never help but talk about.

“You don’t have to look directly at him if you don’t want to.”

I wanted to show Ren that I was at least a little brave, and so I did. It was tough, but I didn’t want to waste my final moments laying my eyes upon Junpei.

His suit hid the graphic cuts on his body. Although the doctors had sewed the wounds, I knew they were still there. Every single one of them. Deep wounds don’t heal that fast.

That thought was what finally forced me to break my gaze towards Junpei. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I knew I’d be sick if I looked any longer, and I didn’t want to disgrace Junpei if I was.

The ground seemed peaceful. Each pattern aligning and mirroring one another majestically.

A strong breeze suddenly swept the room, brushing my face and thrusting even my gelled hair to the side. It felt like Junpei had touched my face one last time.

But then I realised that wasn’t happening…something else was.

“Resurrection…,” an overbearingly deep voice filled my head.

“Huh?” I exclaimed as my eyes widened out of both shock and confusion.

“Seek resurrection? Join the game, and there you will find it.”

“Can’t anyone else see this? Why is no one–”.

I immediately realised, whatever this was, only Ren and I could see it. Everyone else appeared lifeless, yet awake, while Ren appeared fearful for the first time in his life.

No legs, no face, no eyes. But a voice. Pure darkness merely emanated in front of our very eyes.

I, too, feared for my life, but my fear was quickly overcome by my intrigue and hope after the dark being spoke again.

“If you wish to save him, you will accept my offer.”

Was this thing really an almighty being? Maybe I was wrong all along, and God did really exist. But this wasn’t how anyone had envisioned HIM before.

While I always despised being wrong, that conviction didn’t cross my mind at this moment.

I knew from the look on Ren’s face after the being spoke that he wanted the same thing.

No matter how careless or foolish we were being, we were going to do whatever it took to save our brother.

Who wouldn’t?