Ren Kurosawa: Celestial Referee of Divine Fanservice

After a few minutes in the after-afterlife—yes, the premium tier of the afterlife—I opened my eyes.
And in front of me…
True paradise.
The two girls were leaning over me, looking worried.
Or at least I think they were. I honestly wasn’t looking at their faces.
Their massive assets were so close, it felt like they were planning to kill me again—this time by breast suffocation.
What a noble death that would’ve been…

I shot up like nothing had happened.
After all… I’m the hero, right?
I cleared my throat, put on my manliest voice (a mix between Kratos, Batman, and a guy with asthma), and spoke with solemnity:
“It’s alright, ladies. Since both of you are clearly interested in me… I’ll help you both.”
If I help both, I get two wishes, right?
This situation is pure profit.
But of course… the party couldn’t last.

“You can’t do that, Ren,” Cynthia said, ruining the moment with her strict teacher face.
“Whaaaat!? Why not!?” I shouted, frustrated like a kid who just lost his last dorayaki.
“Even if we’re goddesses… there are rules.”
“You have to choose one,” she said, serious.

Shit, shit, shit...
What do I do now?

Let’s see…
To my right: the formal goddess, HR manager vibes, E-cup, and the kind of woman who’d make me wake up at 6 a.m.
To my left: her rebellious sister, with horns, wings, a tail, and the look of someone who definitely doesn’t wash her hands after sinning. D-cup? No, wait… more like a full C. A very full C.
Both of them were staring at me without blinking.
I was sweating harder than during a surprise math test.

And my wish…
I wasn’t even sure anymore.
In my previous life I had everything…
…except a loving father and a girlfriend that met my standards.
Minor details.

The pressure was real.
I felt like I’d just graduated and someone asked:
“So… what do you want to do with your life?”
I took a deep breath.
Got serious.
Very serious.

“I’ve made my decision,” I said in a deep voice.
I channeled my inner Kratos from God of War, like I was about to kill gods with a rusty spoon.
The girls leaned in closer. Very, very interested.
They were literally holding their breath.
“My decision is…”

…

I let the suspense build to its peak.
The silence was so thick it could be cut with a Magic: The Gathering card.
C’mon, Ren. Savor this. When will you ever have two hot goddesses fighting over you again? Enjoy it. Milk it.
Then, with the enlightened grin of a true idiot blessed by fate, I declared:
“You’ll play rock, paper, scissors.
And the winner… shall receive my glorious favor.”

…

PLOP.
Both collapsed face-first onto the floor, as if struck down by a divine bolt of secondhand embarrassment.
And naturally… that gave me quite the privileged view.
Blessed be gravity and camera angles.

I smiled.
Slowly.
Like a true champion.

“Rock, paper, scissors? Seriously?” Cynthia asked, arms crossed, wearing the expression of someone whose eternity was just ruined.
“I’m in,” said Evelyn with a devilish grin. Literally. Her eyes lit up red and everything.
“What’s wrong, sis? Scared?” she added with a teasing tone.
“Of course not! Why would I be scared of a spoiled brat like you!?”

They squared off, locking eyes.
Sparks flew between them like two Pokémon about to Thunderbolt each other.
As for me, I was enjoying the show with a bucket of popcorn that had magically appeared in my hands.
Well… not that strange. This is a magical world, after all.

“Alright! Best of three decides the winner,” I declared, stepping into my new role as interdimensional referee.
In fact… even my outfit changed.
I went from dead student to professional judge of celestial waifus—whistle, striped shirt, and even a referee cap included.
I don’t know how, and I don’t care. I was living it.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” I shouted, now holding a mic that also popped into existence for no reason—
“Welcome to the most anticipated match across all realms! The battle for the favor of the legendary, the one and only, the absurdly desirable…
Ren Kurosawa!”

They took their positions.
Firm stances. Maximum focus.
One last intense glare…

And the match began.

“Rock, paper, scissors—one, two, three!”

DRAMATIC PAUSE.
The atmosphere turned epic.
Lightning in the sky. Echoes booming. A gong sounded out of nowhere.
“CYNTHIA TAKES ROUND ONE!”

“YEEEEEEES!!” Cynthia shouted, celebrating like she just won the Goddess Olympics.
Cynthia: Paper. Evelyn: Rock.
“Tch… This isn’t over,” Evelyn muttered, biting her lip.

Tension was rising.
Even I was sweating—and I was just watching.

Second round.

“Rock, paper, scissors—one, two, three!”

Another pause. Another cliché. And what?
This is my story. I’ll milk it as much as I want.

“EVELYYYYYYN WINS!”

“Hell yeah!!” she cheered, fists raised in triumph.
Cynthia: Paper. Evelyn: Scissors.
Evelyn strutted like a back-alley champion, glaring at Cynthia with smug satisfaction.
“One-one, sis… Ready to cry?”

Cynthia growled. She was about to explode.
This was it. The final moment. Goku vs Jiren.
The fate of the universe in their hands.

“Rock, paper, scissors—one, two, three!”

FULL SLOW MOTION.
Not really.
It happened in real time, but the moment deserved slow-mo.

Their hands shot forward…

And then—

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!
BOYS AND GIRLS!!
THE WINNER IS…
E-VEEEEEEE-LYYYYYYYYYNNN!!”

“LET’S GOOOOOO!!” she screamed with everything she had, raising her arms like she’d just won the World Cup.

Cynthia: Scissors. Evelyn: Rock.

A shining trophy appeared, floating midair.
I handed it to her with solemnity.
Evelyn lifted it to the heavens, brimming with emotion.

“Yeeees!! Just like when Messi lifted his first World Cup!!”

For a second, I swear the anthem played, fireworks went off, and a divine commentator screamed “GOOOOOOOOOAL!”

And yes. I’m a football fan. Got a problem?

After the emotional high, Evelyn strutted around in front of her defeated sister.
Chest out. Literally.
She walked like a runway model with a goddess complex—because she was one—while Cynthia bit her lip in frustration, looking like she was about to shoot lasers from her eyes.

“Fine… I accept my defeat,” Cynthia finally said, shoulders slumping in resignation.

“So… what happens now?” I asked timidly, still processing everything.

“Now, you and I will talk about your wish,” Evelyn said, with a tone that made me question whether my wish had already come true without even saying it.

She walked toward me slowly… dangerously… hypnotically.
Every sway of her hips shaved a year off my life.
She stood just behind me…
I felt her… you know… interplanetary missiles softly pressing against my back…
And she whispered in my ear with a voice so sensual I was about to have another heart attack.

Not that I wasn’t enjoying it, of course.

I pulled myself together. Took a deep breath. Resisted temptation like a real man.
Like a Spartan.
Like someone trying to survive his own prologue.

“Before I make my wish… I have one condition.”

“What? A condition!?” Evelyn pulled back, annoyed.
“What do you mean, a condition, Ren?” asked Cynthia, now intrigued.

“Yes. A condition. It’s not a wish, relax. Just… a clause. For my safety.”

They both looked at me suspiciously.
I activated “pro negotiator” mode.
According to my plan, I could slip in a clause like a shady real estate agent hiding fine print, and snag a bonus alongside my wish. Hehehe… Genius.

“And what exactly is this condition?” Cynthia asked, resting her head on one hand, visibly bored.

“Evelyn… has to come with me,” I finally said, with all the confidence in the world.

Silence.
That heavy, thick, explosive silence.
The kind that comes right before an emotional nuclear bomb goes off.

Evelyn snapped.

“ARE YOU INSANE!? No way! This is too much! Who the hell do you think you are!?”
She kept shouting, flailing like a kid denied dessert.

“I’m fine with it,” Cynthia interrupted, like someone signing a contract without reading it.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE FINE WITH IT!? Have you lost your mind too!?”

“You created this situation. You should be the one to fix it,” Cynthia scolded with absolute authority.
Big Sister Mode: Activated.

“This is unacceptable!” Evelyn wailed, now pouting.
Yes. Pouting. A demon goddess pouting.
This world is perfect.

It was my moment.
I got serious.
Detective mode: on. Narrator voice: dramatic.

“Let’s see if I’ve got this straight:
— Evelyn gave powers to someone from another world.
— That person used them for evil.
Ren: 1. Evelyn: 0.
— Then he ran away, because now he’s way too strong.
Even a goddess can’t stop him alone.
Ren: 2. Evelyn: 0.
— And to fix it, she killed me in cold blood with a trap drink.
All so I could clean up her mess.”
Ren: 3. Evelyn: 0.

Each word was a critical hit.
Evelyn shrank like she was taking verbal punches to the soul.
She was done.
I had won.

“Anything to say, Evelyn?” Cynthia asked, arms crossed, smiling for the first time that day.

“Fiiiine! I’ll go with Ren!” Evelyn finally snapped, completely cornered.

YESSSSS!! I WON!!

With a goddess by my side, this’ll be a walk in the park!
And I still had a wish left…

“So… what’s your wish, Ren?” Evelyn asked, with a sly smile that could melt logic itself.
Obviously, my wish is to sleep on your lap every night while you pet my hair, hehe...

NO NO NO.
Don’t say that, you idiot.

I took a breath. I thought. And then… I remembered.
The drink.
The drink that killed me.
It was so damn good, that at that moment, all I wanted was to taste it again.

“I got it!” I said, suddenly inspired.

The goddesses looked at me, clearly expecting something bold.
Surely they were expecting some lewd wish.
Ultimate power. Infinite riches.

But no.
I wanted something better.

“My wish is…
That in the world we’re going to, there are energy drinks as delicious as the one that killed me.”

Genius wish, right? Hehehe…

“That’s a ridiculous wish,” Evelyn muttered, disappointed.

“Alright, alright, enough chatter. Time to go,” Cynthia interrupted, snapping her fingers.

A magic portal began to form under our feet, glowing circles spinning like an enchanted washing machine.

“Hey, hey, hey! Wait! What exactly am I supposed to do? Where am I going? You haven’t explained anything! Just something about a powerful guy from another world or whatever!” I protested, right as the portal completed.

“Let your new travel companion explain it to you,” Cynthia replied with a smug feline smile, clearly enjoying the chaos she was unleashing on her sister.
And, of course, on me… the most magnificent hero of all time.

The portal finished forming. A shining vortex, spinning like it wanted to swallow the entire universe.

“Hope you know how to fly,” Evelyn said with a mischievous grin.

“What do you mean ‘fly’—” I started to ask, already nervous.

And then I understood exactly what she meant.

The portal flashed one final time…

…and we fell into the void.