Ren and Evelyn: Basic Survival Manual (Failed)

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

We were falling. Headfirst. Like maniacs. Two freaking comets without GPS.

Naturally, I was scared shitless.
Meanwhile, Evelyn was just floating there like it was a ride on her private dragon.
Well, duh. She has wings.
And me? I had pure panic.

In an act of sheer instinct (or sheer terror), I grabbed the only thing I could get my hands on: her tail.
Yes. I grabbed the tail of a demon goddess while freefalling to certain death.
What would you have done, huh?! I didn’t wanna die!!

She made a super weird face… and let out a little moan.
The hell was that?

I froze. But then I thought:
Okay. I’m alive. I touched a demon tail. And I triggered a sound I should’ve never heard. Is this a win?
Spoiler: nope.

Because Evelyn, couldn't handle both our weights...
And we crashed face-first into the ground.

WHAM!

Silence.
Pain.
Dignity in critical condition.

"Are we… alive?" I asked, pulling my pants back up.
For some reason, they had slid down during the fall. I’d rather not think about it.
Just… please tell me there aren’t any magical security cameras in this world.

I touched the surface beneath us.
"Luckily, we landed on something soft."

Evelyn was beside me, but she wasn’t saying anything.
She just stared at me with a look that hovered somewhere between horror… and murder.

"Hey, are you okay? If it’s about the tail… don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone."
Honestly, that moan was kinda cute. Disturbing, but cute.

She raised her hand. Shaky.
Pointing right at me.
Or so I thought.

I turned my head.

And then I saw it.

"GRRRRRRRRR…"

A massive orc, easily eight feet tall, glaring at us like we just insulted his mother.
His nostrils were steaming like he had built-in heating.

And then it clicked.

That "soft surface" we landed on… was his belly.
His freaking belly.

I turned around with Oscar-worthy fake calm.
Got to my feet, dusted off my pants, and—like a true gentleman in a hopeless situation—offered Evelyn my hand.

"Lady Evelyn… would you care to join me?"

I am losing my mind.

"GRRAAAAAGH!!!"

The orc roared like hell itself and stood up.
The ground shook.
The trees cracked.
My will to live dropped by 300%.

"Time to run."

I grabbed Evelyn’s hand and took off.
Dragged her through the forest like she was my sacred carry-on bag.

"Damn it, Evelyn! Do something! You’re a goddess, not a winged paperweight!!"

The orc thundered behind us, each step like a bass drop from a one-man heavy metal band…
Only instead of drums, he had a massive club, ripping trees from the ground like weeds.

After one of the most intense chases of my life, we finally lost him.

"Haaa… haaa…"

Insert dramatic panting here.

I peeked over a rock with more caution than when I delete my browser history.
"Looks like we lost him…" I whispered, sweating like I just ate five bowls of spicy ramen.

The orc was still nearby, snorting steam, grumbling, searching…

Was this guy a freaking stove?

Suddenly, Evelyn tugged at my sleeve.
"Ren."

"What is it, Evelyn?" I replied without looking, still ninja-peeking from my rock.

"Ren. Ren. Ren."
Evelyn: mobile notification mode activated.

"I’m a little busy keeping us alive right now! Maybe save your nonsense for later?"

Seriously? Isn’t she supposed to be the goddess? Why am I the one doing all the work?

"REEEEEEN!!" she screamed, eyes wide as saucers.

"WHAT DO YOU WAAAANT?!"

I turned around with all the fury I could muster mid-crisis.

And saw what she was pointing at.

...

"Crap."

One word.
One universal truth.
One silent scream from the soul.

I looked Evelyn dead in the eyes. Serious. Like secondary-character-dies serious.

"Evelyn… run."

And off we went again.
Like two souls dragged by the devil.
Only this time, the devil came in the form of a pack of giant wolves with more fangs than logic.

"WHY IS EVERYTHING IN THIS DAMN FOREST SO FREAKING HUGE?!" I screamed while sprinting like I was taking hell’s final exam…
Again dragging Evelyn like she was my fancy suitcase with legs.

After another death-or-death-tier sprint… I was done.

"Haaa… haaa… haaa…"

I collapsed against a tree like a crumpled napkin of despair.

"Damn it, Evelyn… are you gonna do anything or just keep being a deluxe deadweight?"

That one got to her.

She stood up, pride puffed up bigger than her cleavage.

"Who’re you calling useless, idiot?! This is all my stupid sister’s fault for dragging us here in the first place!"

And there she was: flailing her arms like a spoiled demon kid.

"Also… aren’t you supposed to be the hero or something? Because all you’ve done so far is run around like a headless chicken."

"Ughhh…"

Touché.

That one hurt.
My pride just got stabbed with a rusty spoon.

"What do you expect me to do?! I have no weapons, no powers, not even a magic rock! You’re the almighty goddess! Why don’t you just snap your fingers and make them explode or vanish or turn into alpacas?!"

What does she think this is? Just because she’s hot doesn’t mean she gets to boss me around—
Well… maybe…
NO. NO. NO. Focus, Ren!

I took a deep breath. Grit my teeth.
Tried to summon the mental control I’ve never had.

"Alright, fine… So what do we do now?"

C’mon, c’mon, say something cool… hand me a magic sword, some legendary power, anything flashy!

Evelyn looked at me… and shrugged.

"I dunno."

...

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW?!"

She’s gonna be the death of me. Literally.
I’m gonna die a third time, and it’ll be from spontaneous frustration combustion!

She raised an eyebrow with all the calm in the world and brushed a leaf from her hair.

"For now… let’s get the hell out of this forest before we get found again."

The forest was… massive.
And everything in it was big: the trees, the leaves, the shadows… and of course, the damn monsters.

We’d been walking for a while in complete silence.
Evelyn led the way, whistling a tune way too cheerful for a place where bushes want to eat you.
And worst of all: she kept swaying her hips like this was some infernal runway show.

Now that I think about it…
If Evelyn is Cynthia’s sister… why the hell is she a demon?

"Hey, Evelyn," I blurted, breaking the silence—and her killer hip choreography.

She turned her head slightly without stopping or missing a note.
"Yes?"

"Is Cynthia really your sister?"

"She is," she answered with the emotional weight of saying "yeah, I have socks."

"Then why do you have horns, wings, and a tail straight out of a deluxe succubus catalog?"

She suddenly stopped.
The whistling ceased.
The air tensed.
Even the forest background noise hit pause.

"Well… because the idiot we need to defeat turned me into this," she said at last, like it was no big deal.

"But weren’t you a goddess? Can’t you just turn back into your ‘oh blessed immortal divine’ form?"

She sighed.
"It’s not that easy…"

She glanced at me sideways, resigned.

"I summoned him. Wanted to mess with Cynthia. But his wish was to become stronger than me. So he decided… to turn me into this sexy, gorgeous, and incredibly intelligent demon goddess."

...

Yeah… intelligent, sure.

"Ah… I see, I see…" I nodded like I just discovered the secrets of the universe.
Meanwhile, my brain was processing like a virus-ridden Windows 98.

"And that’s that," Evelyn concluded with a shrug. "Now he has more power than me, and I can’t undo what he did."

...

"So basically… you messed up. Big time," I said, brutally honest.

"Hmmmpf."

Evelyn crossed her arms, visibly annoyed.
Not sure if she wanted to hit me…
…or curse me.
…or both, but in reverse order.

"And you can’t use some mystical goddess powers to buff me up or give me a cool superpower?"

"Ever since I got here, I don’t know why, but my powers are sealed…"

"Sealed? So basically you’re just a demon chick with the special power of causing heart attacks?"

Evelyn looked at her hands without saying anything.

So much for my big idea of having a goddess partner.
Flushed down the celestial toilet.

"And what about the wish I made? Where are my energy drinks?!"

"You should’ve been more specific. You asked for energy drinks in this world, but not where to find them…"

I demand a refund. This is NOT what I signed up for.

After that lovely intro chat that confirmed my brilliant plan was a complete disaster, we kept walking for a while—no attacks, no roars, no orcs or giant wolves, a true miracle—
Until we finally saw light at the end of the tunnel.
And it wasn’t death.

It was… a city!

"OH MY GOD, A CITY! FINALLY!" I shouted, almost in tears.

My legs were about to resign, and my stomach was growling like a dungeon boss.

Evelyn, of course, totally chill as usual, pointed with her index finger:

"That city is Norwenthia."

The name sounded epic.
And from where we stood, it looked even more epic.

A solid, tall stone wall surrounded it entirely.
Two huge structures stood out like they were fighting over who was the MVP:
A majestic castle in the north and a towering cathedral in the south.

"Then… let’s not waste any more time!" I said, a new glint in my eyes.

I took a deep breath.
And in my best discount shonen hero voice, I shouted:

"NORWENTHIA, HERE WE COME!!!"

Thus began our arrival at the first great city of this strange world...
And probably, the first great disaster too.