Greased Up by Men in the Morning

Slowly, ever so slowly, I began waking up from a heavy sleep. My brain hadn’t quite caught up yet, but a throbbing pain in my temples was already making itself known. My nose was filled with an aromatic floral scent, which, however, was slowly starting to become repulsive with its intensity. Hearing had also come back to duty and reported to me that it was hearing voices around. At first, I couldn’t make out any words, but gradually, my hearing sharpened enough that I could understand more or less what was being said.

"Take off his shirt."

"And his trousers too?"

"Aye, just pull 'em down."

What in the actual fu…

Sweat broke out on my forehead as a rough, manly hand touched me and started undressing me. I wanted to scream, but I realized my throat was clenched, and my whole body was paralyzed.

Did I really get that drunk last night?! Where the hell have I ended? Idiot! Idiot! What the hell are they going to do to me? Wait, calm down. Maybe… maybe I’m just misunderstanding the whole thing. Maybe it’s…

"Should I oil 'im up?"

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! No, this is not a misunderstanding. I’ve definitely ended up in the hands of some perverts! I managed to move a bit and groan, but nothing more.

"Should I pull out my sword?"

"Aye, you've the biggest one."

While a strong male hand was smearing me with some foul-smelling oil, I heard one of the voices say:

"Put it in now. But slowly…"

…That’s it, I am done for…

I tensed every muscle in my body in a final act of resistance, when suddenly someone gently grabbed my jaw.

Not the kiss! I clenched my teeth, as if trying to push them into my gums. Don’t touch my mouth, you freak!

Suddenly, my nose filled with a disgusting stench, like a chemical toilet used non-stop all night. Despite the vile smell, I immediately thought of what it must be.

Aphrodisiac! I can’t breathe it in!

But no matter how hard I tried, the stench kept filling my nose. My whole body twisted in a spasm. Just when I thought I couldn’t take another second, my entire body suddenly relaxed. Every nerve in me calmed, like sinking into a hot bath.

Was I… was I saved?

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. At first my vision was blurry, but it quickly sharpened, and I saw three figures above me. Three muscular, oily male figures.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Oi, ye finally awake, lad."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Hm, maybe he ain’t quite right yet. Shall we give 'im another sniff?"

"D-d-d-don’t touch me, you pervs!" I stammered, throwing my arms up in a weak defence.

"Perverts?" What's perverted about us?“ asked the man on the right with a bushy goatee.

"What isn’t pervy about you?!"

"Now look here, boy, we’re decent citizens," said the man in the middle with sideburns, who looked like anything but a decent citizen with his bald head covered in tattoos, which he shared with both of his companions

"Then why are you naked?"

"Oh, we always go like this, ye see," explained the man on the left with a massive moustache—he and Lay would probably get along great.

"Guess we’re makin’ him nervous. Sorry, lad, we’ll throw somethin’ on right away." The man with a goatee reassured me and pulled something from a bag on the table. It was a furry leather cape that covered absolutely nothing of what really made me nervous.

"Want one too? Got a spare."

"Why would I want that smelly piece of leather?" I snapped and sat up.

"Well now, seems ye don’t really mind it after all. Neither do we—we’re used to it."

I frowned at him, confused.

The bearded guy silently pointed between my legs. I looked down and saw my body in its pristine, natural state, just as it came into the world.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

I struggled to squeeze into my uniform while three guys waited behind the door. I used the time to ask how the hell I’d gotten into such a situation.

They told me they’d gone shopping, but when they entered the store, they found me sprawled across the counter, nearly drowning in my own drool. They figured I’d been drugged, so they carried me into the office, smeared me with oil that helps purge toxins from the body, and gave me a sniff of a stimulant, they’d brewed from herbs chopped up with a sword and soaked in wine. The treatment proved successful.

"I know it ain’t none of our business, but what happened to ye, lad?"

I stepped out of the office door, finally as a civilized person, not like a Neanderthal, like my rescuers, and I pondered.

"I… hmm… I think… hmmm…" My thoughts had cleared up somewhat, but my memories of the night before were like a regurgitated stew. I couldn’t recall exactly what had happened.

"I was drinking with someone…"

"What were ye drinking?"

"Um, bulkar… I think."

"Hmm, what brand?" the man with a goatee asked.

"How the hell should I know?! I don’t even remember who I was drinking with!"

"Hmm, well either way, good choice," The man with sideburns nodded at me with the seriousness of a musician about to start a concert.

"Aye, good choice," said the moustached one with a thumbs-up.

"Right, damn good."

Uh… okay, but maybe you could be more concerned about me than the damn booze?

"Sorry, lad, we’re listenin’ now."

I paused. "Actually, there’s not much more to say," I admitted. "I drank with someone, and I sold them… crystalline dust, which got me into debt."

"Sounds like a fine story for the pub."

"Yeah, I'd be rolling on the floor laughing," I replied coldly. "Anyway, I don’t remember anything else. Not even the face of the person I drank with. I think it was a woman. Pretty dumb, and also a drunk."

"What about the money?"

Right! The money! My stomach dropped, and I ran over to the verification machine. I opened it, and to my immense relief, I saw a pile of cash inside. At least that hadn’t disappeared! Only an authorized worker with the direct intention to open it could do so, I recalled from the manual. I sighed and sat behind the counter.

I really don’t know what happened or what to think about all of this, but I hope this is the end of it. I sold it to someone who didn’t want me to remember her face, which is suspicious, but as long as she doesn’t bother me again, maybe I can just forget about this incident. I hope so.

Three men stepped up to the counter and all extended their hands at once.

"We haven’t even properly introduced ourselves yet. I’m Kim," said the man with a goatee.

"I’m Kem," said the man with sideburns.

"I’m Kam," announced the moustached man.

I shook their hands. They were huge and rough, sinewy hands I’d unfortunately already felt all over my body.

"Uh… I see your parents were… very original."

"We’re not siblings," Kem corrected me seriously.

"But we feel like it, and live like it," added Kim.

"…OK." I had nothing more to say about their questionable relationship.

"And you, lad?"

"I’m Seiichi."

"Nice name, lad."

Ah, what was even the point of asking then?

"Anyway, we came here to buy somethin’," said Kam.

"Yeah, that makes sense, we are in a store after all," I chuckled dryly. "Alright, put it here, boys and…" What I had to say next hurt me a lot, but I felt like it was kinda expected of me in such a situation. "…it’s on the house. You did save me, after all." I mean, I’d have preferred to be awakened by a sexy nurse rather than naked guys, but still—they saved me.

"Brilliant, lad."

"Appreciate it."

"You’re a star."

You don’t all have to say everything together. I sighed and looked at the items on the counter. A drop of sweat appeared on my forehead. I looked at the three “brothers” with a questioning glance. For a moment, there was silence.

"Um… what… what do you need these for?" I asked hesitantly.

"Olive oil. For cookin’."

"Handcuffs. For criminals. We’re not just heroes, we’re bounty hunters too."

"Lube. For lubricatin’ fireproof suits."

Without another word, I rang up the items and gently slid them aside, eyes cast down.

"Thanks."

"Brilliant."

"We’ll stop by again."

I thought that was it, but they stayed. It looked like they wanted to ask me something.

They don't want to invite me to a weekend orgy, do they?

"Y’see, we’ve one more favour to ask. Or not even a favour, really—ye could get somethin’ out of it too," said Kam.

Please don’t ask me to shoot adult films with you or something like that.

"We’ve been after this criminal for a long time. Got a long history with him, but he keeps slippin’ away. Trouble is, he’s never officially been charged with anything, so there’s no warrant, and he stays free. We got word he might be in these teleportation zones, and we were hopin’ you could let us know if he shows up here."

Kem pulled a sketch of a man from his bag and handed it to me. A bald man with a Cossack-style ponytail and a face full of scars. The drawing wasn’t great, but enough to recognize him. Still, I hesitated.

"Um… so I just have to let you know, right?" I confirmed. "A-and he’s not, like, a maniac or a killer, right?"

"Nah, not at all."

"Probably not."

"Maybe not."

Are those guys for real?

"But ye don’t need to worry," Kim reassured me. "Cause we’ve got this."

He handed me a small black box with a little button. It felt cold, like metal.

"If he shows up, he’ll likely try buyin’ somethin’. When he comes to the counter, press this button. It’ll paralyze him and alert us you’ve caught him. No risk. You’d get three hundred glens."

Three hundred glens!? Nothing more needed to be said. Minimal risk and such a reward? I might never get an opportunity like this again.

„Guys, let’s seal the deal.“