Vines of the Past

*Huff-huff!* Azreal panted, trembling in terror. He clenched the blanket in a death grip, trying to calm himself. It didn’t have any effect; his entire body was stiffened into a defensive posture and the adrenaline was surging through his veins.

Ever since he was a child, he had been haunted by nightmares of his past. As a child mercenary, he’d been numb and little more than a walking doll, so ignoring them was easier. While they'd given him an icky feeling in the pit of his stomach, he'd felt little else. But after he’d been pardoned by the King and was finally left alone and granted some peace...

Azreal tucked his knees tightly to his chest and forced himself to take deep breaths. ‘I can't remember any time in my life where I slept without the fear of nightmares' He reflected sadly. Once Nanny and Sori had come into his life, the nightmares  weren’t as bad as they had been, but they were still common and drained him emotionally.

The nightmares he’d had when he first started living alone, though... those were utter hell and he was beyond grateful those were a thing of the past. He’d genuinely thought they’d be the death of him. After one of those extreme nightmares, he'd spend hours panicking to the point that he’d scratch himself bloody and pull out his own hair. He would feel as though the forces of hell themselves were hunting him and something bad would happen. The extremely palpable terror and paranoia was what had made him rarely leave his house, even though he’d known it was completely irrational. It was a miracle he'd survived to be adopted by Nanny Tenka.

Azreal closed his eyes and rested his face against his knees. ‘God...please help me. I want to calm down but feel like I physically can't. My thoughts and feelings feel too fast and overpowering to control. Am I ever going to be free from this? Am I doomed to constantly carry those memories and my connection to that group like a brand of shame until the day I die? I know it’s pretty hypocritical to ask for freedom from my pain after everything I did to other people, but it’s really too much to bear. Even if I deserve it, even if I’m far less a victim than those I harmed...’ He clutched his chest. ‘It hurts. It hurts. Ithurtsithurtsithurtsithurts-!’  Azreal forced himself to take more breaths. Sometimes, it was too easy for him crying out to God I'm prayer to turn into a panic and anxiety fest. He was great at overthinking things.

'Please forgive me, God.’ He thought in exhaustion. ‘I know it’s probably getting irritating to you because I've asked so many times but... even after all this time, I just can’t let go of my guilt or stop hating myself. If I could go back in time to when I was a kid, I wouldn’t just play along with the mercenaries, even if it killed me. I know I’ve hurt people and if I could trade my life to bring back the people I killed, I’d do it. Sometimes, I really don’t know if I want to be forgiven or not. I feel like I deserve to suffer but...it’s so heavy a burden to carry. I don’t want to just forget completely, but I have no idea how to free myself from the pain of my past. It’s like my mind and soul are wrapped in creeping vines that refuse to let me go...’

Azreal opened his eyes. His rude awakening didn’t appear to have disturbed his family. He looked over at Sori and Mari and, even in his distress, he couldn’t help but smile. The two were tangled together and snoring deeply. Mari typically slept in the bed with Nanny but, while he was gone, she and Sori had taken to sleeping together. He supposed they were both worried over his prolonged absence and it was a form of comfort to them. Sori complained whenever their grandmother tried to show physical affection, but he was constantly hanging on Azreal and frequently ended up cuddled close to his big brother at night. He was a sweet, stubborn little boy; an entirely normal child that just wanted to be loved by his family. When Azreal had come back, he’d insisted on Mari still sleeping on the floor, too. Though Sori wouldn't say his reasoning aloud, Azreal and Mari knew that he just wanted to have both of his siblings close. Azreal coming back injured seemed to have reawakened his old fear of losing his adoptive family the way he had lost his biological parents, so they agreed without complaint and made a  nest of blankets and pillows on the floor. Azreal didn’t mind at all; having his two most precious people physically close helped him relax. If not for their presence, his fear of the nightmares would probably have prevented him from sleeping at all.

‘Oh.’ He realized suddenly. ‘Ever since Mari moved in with us, I had a few sleepless nights but, until the mission that went to hell, I didn’t have any nightmares.’ He hadn't realized that her presence had had such an immediate effect on him. Azreal studied Mari while she slept. She crashed just as hard as his little brother! But she still looked as beautiful as ever, even while drooling and contorted into a strange position that couldn't be comfortable.

Despite his newfound ability to admit how precious she was to him, he still couldn’t help wondering about the exact nature of their relationship and what he felt for her. He knew that he did love her...in some way. What that way was he had no idea. She made him feel happy and safe. Even though she could see right through him and could see his ugliness, she still believed in him and supported him unconditionally. He adored her playfulness and constant curiosity. He wanted to share more fun experiences with her and see her smile. But did those feelings and affection equate to romantic love? Was he even capable of loving someone like that?

He’d surprised himself when he’d returned home. He’d missed Mari and had been excited to see her but, the moment he’d seen her...his feelings had overwhelmed him. He’d craved the warmth and comfort of his friend and couldn't help returning her embrace. The burden of what had happened with Scath no longer felt unbearable once he was with her. Knowing that Mari was by his side gave him strength. But that was as much as he understood about their relationship at this point. He envied the certainty and confidence she exuded.

She was a strong-willed person who was unafraid of what others thought. She could declare her love for him after a single encounter and act upon it without any doubt. She didn’t fear or despise humans like most of her kind did and she was comfortable with herself as a person. She now knew everyone in the village and every one adored her; that was the kind of genuine, radiant person Mari was. If only he had her inner strength! While he craved the care and acceptance of others, he was afraid of exposing his own ugly heart and being rejected.

Azreal shook his head. ‘No, don’t even go there. Not again. Mari would never reject you. Nanny would never reject you. Sori had every reason in the world to hate you, but still choose you as his family. No matter how many people will reject you, those three won’t. That’s enough, so don’t even think about them being capable of such evil, nasty things’  He slowly lay back down, careful to not bump his injuries.

Overthinking and overanalyzing everything was easy, but worrying and making himself feel sick wouldn’t solve anything. His mind was stressed and vulnerable right now, so it wasn’t the time to be pondering questions about his worth, nightmares, purpose in exsisting or feelings for Mari. As reasonable as it was to crave the certainty of an answer, in this state he wouldn’t be able to think anything through clearly. Some of his burning questions were too big and open ended to be conclusively answered on this side of Heaven, anyways. As scary as the idea of going back to sleep was, he was better off resting his body so he could heal.

‘God, let me not have any more nightmares tonight’ he prayed silently. ‘You know best...help me to find some peace and know what I should do with my life. Cut through all my emotions and confusion and help me to hear you clearly so I don’t make stupid decisions. I just want to know I’m doing what’s right. My life is in your hands because you’re the only one I trust...the embodiment of truth and justice...’

Mari grunted in her sleep and shifted, resulting in one of her legs draping over Azreal’s and him being distracted from his brooding. The unconscious Sori squeaked and scooted closer to Azreal as his big sister invaded his space. Smiling softly, Azreal held his little brother close. ‘If nothing else...I still do have a few good things from God right here in front of me.’ He thought, closing his eyes. To his surprise, the warmth and breathing of Sori and Mari quickly soothed him into a deep, peaceful sleep.