Happy (Last) Birthday!

There was no time to use the restroom when I arrived at Wila Orphanage. I was pulled in all directions. From helping with diaper changes, to cooking for dinner. Washing my hands in between of course.

‘Everyone! Gather round!’ I called out.

My young sisters and brothers start to shuffle into the dining room. The older ones helped the little ones into their seats. As I served the food, I started to feel dizzy. I delegated the right to serve food to one of the older children as I stepped aside to breathe fresh air and drink water. Once I got my footing, I went back in to help feed the youngest ones. The scene I returned to was a mess. A group formed over the the seafood soup I had made and was fighting over it. I quickly stepped in to sort it out and managed to distribute it fairly. Well, somehow. When I got the chance to sit down, two of the oldest in the teenage bunch said they were studying a course on hair styling and make-up and quickly made an experiment out of me. I needed a seat and a fresh look anyway, so I obliged.

‘Sister Ina are you ok?’ one of the children noted my silence.

‘Oh yes of course! Just thinking about lots of different things today.’ I patted her tiny head and put on a smile.

I was treated to a haircut, some skincare and light colors to my face.

‘Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!’ Everyone was looking behind me. I turned my head to see Sister Helen coming out with a huge cake and little children following her with balloons and party poppers. Sounds of singing, cheering, kids fighting in the background over the dessert, and babies crying from getting surprised by the poppers surround me in an instant.

It took a while for everything to set in but when it did, I was a crying mess. An adorable puddle of kids comforting me surrounded me in an instant. My heart was full. After everyone was fed and happy, they all dispersed to play. I finally managed to have my first decent meal of the day. I sat with Sister Helen and thanked her for her hard work and the surprise.

‘What about your flu?’ I checked as I took some leftovers.

‘It wasn’t a flu after all. Just overworked, also old age,’ She winked, sat down, and gave me a piece of cake.

‘And apologies if we had to celebrate your birthday a day earlier.’

‘Thank you. This is perfect. Just what I needed to lift my spirits.’

I started downing dinner furiously. Didn’t realize I was this hungry. I turned to the slice of cake that I didn’t know existed and started eating that too.

‘I thought the kids ate them all.’

‘I knew you would give all without leaving some for yourself, so I saved that for you in secret.’ I tearfully and gratefully eat my generous Black Forest slice.

Our serenity was disturbed by a pair fighting over a balloon. We look at each other and giggle.

‘They’re getting irritable, must be bedtime’, we said in unison.

We wrapped up and started helping children to the toilet and to bed. I went to the toddlers' section and made sure everyone had their teeth brushed and their nappies clean. When I had the chance to look at the overview of the room, to check if everyone was on their beds, I realized that the theme for this room had been revamped into Looney Tunes. Bugs Bunny wallpaper, Coyote beddings, and Tweety top sheet. I glanced for the last time and made sure nothing was amiss. I received tiny gifts and letters for my birthday, and I returned the gesture with forehead kisses.

‘Good night my angels, thank you for today. I love you all.’ I said as I turned the lights off.

Went to check on the school-agers' room and saw Sister Helen dealing with them. Proceeded to the teens' rooms and noticed that they’d mostly sorted themselves out. My wandering eyes spotted the new Disney Princesses clock in their room.

Only five minutes before midnight?

I panicked internally. Didn’t realize I let time go by. As children do, they get up a few times before they decide they want to sleep. I was tired but I was satisfied and happy. I went to my favorite part of the orphanage. There’s an upper floor that’s meant only for staff. I used to sneak up to the balcony in the art room. There I can draw, admire the gardens and overlook what everyone is up to. Plus, it was my safe space, for when I wanted to recharge my social battery.

I laid the gifts and letters I received from the children down on the balcony floor and started opening them.

I am very loved.

My life has been very blessed. My phone buzzed and I remembered that Ami was trying to contact me. The screen revealed that it was almost 1 am.

Happy birthday to me. To more adventures.

Well, before any more adventures, I had planned to get up in two hours to do something about my research paper. Guess that wasn’t happening.

Ami’s message lit the screen. ‘Happy birthday Ina, I hope you enjoyed the cake and had an enjoyable time with everyone. They say 21 is a life-changing age. I can’t wait to celebrate your achievements with you. I will let you know when I get back.’

I am surrounded with love and support.

But, I was just a nobody. I had always doubted if I was worthy of love and affection.

If I was worth it then why was I an orphan?

I’m working on it. I’ve made it this far; I have to be kind to myself. I did not choose to be abandoned nor did I agree to not having memories of childhood.

What if there was a family waiting for me out there that I just can’t remember? The why have they not come to find me? Sigh. I have to be grateful with what I do have. Well, I am.

I decided to give myself a break from the ticking clock, checklists and self-doubt I constantly carry behind my mind. Treat myself to a quiet time, to admire what was in front of me. I stood up to admire the painting on the skies. Plentiful glitters sparkle in varying tempos and hues, all surrounding an ethereal silver pearl with a hint of gold. How I have always loved the moon. Everything that it touches takes on its gentle beauty. This midnight glow had everyone in a trance, putting everyone to a restful state.

Everything is silent and still. The children must be asleep now.

As I gazed at the scene before me, I felt a sense of calm. Everything felt right and this is where I should be. The sight, paired with crisp untainted air, filled my lungs with hope and relief. My hands reached out into the moon before I knew it. It feels so close yet so far. I held my arms out and went as far as I could get. And I did go too far. My chest suddenly ached; my mind blanked out. I lost my footing while I was at the edge of the balcony. One of my headache episodes. All too fast. Not a single sound escaped my mouth. I tried grabbing onto the rail but it’s too late, I was on my way to the ground.

This can’t be how I die.

I rushed to my demise and then, it’s like my fall was slowed down by a powerful yet kind force. I blinked before I hit the ground, expecting a painful impact. It doesn’t come. When I next opened my eyes, I saw clear blue skies. I was still airborne. But facing and going the opposite direction. I was lifted to the skies. The sensation of being pulled upwards takes over. Well, briefly.

So this is what going to heaven feels like. Not painful, thankfully.

Then, gravity remembers its job. I started falling again. Fast. This time towards my back. I closed my eyes to let the peaceful quiet comfort me, but it wasn’t. People screaming gibberish. Animals making pained noises. Smell of blood. I landed harshly on the water and was overcome with that familiar sensation of the ocean hitting my lungs. Only this time, it wasn’t a spectator. Every part of me felt the ocean. I surely was drowning.

Now I really am dying.