Happy (Last) Birthday!

There was no time to use the restroom when I arrived at Wila Orphanage. I was pulled in all directions. From helping with diaper changes, to cooking for dinner. Washing my hands in between of course.

‘Everyone! Gather round!’ I called out.

My little brothers and sisters shuffled into the dining room. The older ones helped the smallest into their seats. As I served the food, a wave of dizziness rose up. I handed the serving ladle to one of the older children and stepped outside to breathe and drink water. Once I steadied myself, I went back in to help feed the youngest.

The scene that greeted me was chaos. A cluster had formed over the seafood soup I’d made. Children were arguing and pushing. I stepped in, sorted them out, and somehow managed to distribute the bowls fairly. When I finally had a chance to sit, two teenagers used me as their model for their hairdressing and make up course. I needed a seat and a new hair cut, so I obliged.

‘Sister Ina, are you okay?’ one little one asked, noticing my low energy.

‘Oh, yes. Of course! Just thinking about things,’ I replied, patting her head and forcing a smile. Trying to hide that wasn’t feeling well.

Someone shouted, ‘Happy birthday to you!’

Sister Helen emerged with a huge cake, followed by a parade of children waving balloons and popping party poppers. Singing, cheering, scuffles over dessert, and startled babies crying. It all came at once.

It took a moment for it to sink in, then I dissolved into tears. The children swarmed me with tiny arms and earnest hugs until I was a puddle of gratitude. My heart was full. After everyone settled and played, I finally ate my first decent meal of the day and sat with Sister Helen to thank her for the surprise.

‘What about your flu?’ I checked as I took some leftovers.

‘It wasn’t a flu after all. Just overworked, also old age,’ She winked, sat down, and gave me a piece of cake.

You just wanted to surprise me!

‘And apologies if we had to celebrate your birthday a day earlier.’ She said.

‘Thank you. This is perfect. Just what I needed to lift my spirits.’

I ate like I hadn’t eaten in days. Didn’t realize I was very hungry until real food was in front of me. I turned to the slice of cake that I didn’t know existed and started eating that too.

‘I thought the kids ate them all.’ I said.

‘I knew you would give all without leaving some for yourself, so I saved that for you in secret.’

I tearfully and gratefully ate my generous Black Forest slice as children showed me their mini-performances. One after the other. Eventually, the children’s noise dimmed to a steady hum. Someone knocked over a balloon and a pair argued over it. We all giggled.

‘They’re getting irritable, must be bedtime,’ Sister Helen and I chorused.

We wrapped up, guided the children to the toilets and to their beds. In the toddlers’ room I made sure teeth were brushed and nappies fresh.

The theme in the nursery had been redone to Looney Tunes. Bugs Bunny wallpaper, Coyote bedding, a Tweety top sheet. It made me smile. I checked each bed, collected the tiny gifts and letters the kids had made for me, and returned forehead kisses in thanks.

‘Good night, my angels. Thank you for today. I love you all,’ I whispered as I turned the lights off.

Sister Helen sorted the school-agers. The teens had mostly settled. Their room now featured a Disney Princess clock. It showed five minutes to midnight.

Heck! Didn’t realize I let time go by! I planned to wake up in two hours to work on my research paper. Guess that’s not happening now.

I tucked the young ones to bed, but of course, as kids do, they would pop up a few times before truly sleeping. I was tired but I was satisfied and happy. I headed to my favorite spot, the staff balcony above the art room. The place I’d sneak away to when I needed to recharge. I could read in solitude there, admire the gardens, and most importantly, spy on everyone below.

I laid the gifts and letters down on the balcony floor and began to open them. I started with Ami’s first. It was a glittery snow globe. She collected them. Her enthusiasm eventually brushed off on me.

I am very loved. My life has been very blessed.

My phone buzzed and Ami’s name lit up the screen.

Speaking of the person.

Ami’s text read, ‘Happy birthday Ina. I hope you enjoyed the cake. They say twenty-one is life-changing. I can’t wait to celebrate with you when I’m back. I love you.’

‘I love you too.’

I was surrounded with love and support. And yet a small, hollow question tugged at me.

If I were worth loving, why had I been orphaned?

I forced myself gentler thoughts. I had come this far. I had to be kind to myself. I hadn’t chosen to be abandoned. I hadn’t chosen to lose my childhood memories.

What if there was a family that I couldn’t remember, waiting for me out there? If that’s the case, then why have they not come to find me? Sigh... I have to be grateful with what I do have. Well, I am. I have Ami…

I decided to give myself a break from the ticking clock, checklists and self-doubt I constantly carry behind my mind. Treat myself to a quiet time, to admire what was in front of me.

I stepped to the balcony rail and stared up at the painting on the skies.

Plentiful glitters sparkle in varying tempos and hues, all surrounding an ethereal silver pearl with a hint of gold. How I have always loved the moon. Everything that it touches takes on its gentle beauty. This midnight glow had everyone in a trance, putting everyone to a restful state.

Everything is silent and still. The children must be asleep now.

As I gazed at the scene before me, I felt a sense of calm. Everything felt right and this is where I should be. The sight, paired with crisp untainted air, filled my lungs with hope and relief.

I stretched my arms out as if to gather the moon. It feels so close yet so far.

For a moment I felt light and unafraid. I reached far as I could get. And I did go too far. My chest suddenly ached, my mind blanked out. I lost my footing while I was at the edge of the balcony. One of those dizzy spells. All too fast. Not a single sound escaped my mouth.

I tried to grab the rail but it’s too late, I was on my way to the ground.

This can’t be how I die.

I rushed to my demise. Then, it’s like my fall was slowed down by a powerful yet kind force. I blinked before I hit the ground, expecting a painful impact. It doesn’t come. When I next opened my eyes, I saw clear blue skies. I was still airborne. But facing and going the opposite direction. I was lifted to the skies. The sensation of being pulled upwards takes over. Well, briefly.

So this is what going to heaven feels like. Not painful, thankfully.

Then, gravity remembers its job. I started falling again. Fast. This time falling on my back. I closed my eyes to let the peaceful quiet comfort me, but it wasn’t. People screaming gibberish. Animals making pained noises. Smell of blood. The air filled with the smell of something sharp and wrong.

I landed harshly on the water and was overcome with that familiar sensation of water hitting my lungs. Only this time, it wasn’t a spectator in my dream. Every part of me felt the ocean. I surely was drowning.

Now I really am dying.