Welcome to the shitshow, Chosen Ones

I was lying in bed and staring at the ceiling like it owed me money.

The fan was on. My balls were itchy. I only had one thought on my mind.

Toast.

There's something about it that makes it impossible to hate. Especially with butter. I like to melt the butter once I spread it on the toast.

My name's Ichirō. Second son of the Baraki "family", if you could even call it that. We were four kids. Four accidents cause' our mom decided to be a whore and fuck three guys at different times in her life. I was the middle child to one older brother and two younger sisters.

We all never really got along. That's why our mom split us up. She stayed in Milan with our sisters, my brother stayed at an apartment in Yokohama while I stayed in Tokyo.

I could've been living with my cousin, Satoru, and we could've been playing video games by now but for the first few days I stayed there, I taught him how to speedrun a porn game. Got kicked out cause' I was a bad influence.

Now I live in an apartment that's payed for by my mom. She gives me a monthly allowance to spend however I like. It's usually 8,500 Yen.

Today, Satoru and I are going to an amusement park. It wasn't anything big. It was just to mess around.

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"SATOOOOORUUUUUUUUU!" I shouted, sprinting towards the front gate like raccoon on sugar when I saw him.

"Jesus. Chill out..." He flinched. "Wait, what the actual fuck are you wearing!?"

"My 'MILF Hunter' tank top. It's a statement of purpose." I answered.

"This is why we're not allowed near the family section." He facepalmed softly.

"Anyways, where do you wanna go first?" I asked. "I'm thinking the mirror maze. I wanna gaslight myself and look good while doing it."

"You already do that every day you wake up."

Despite that, we still hit it. While we were walking to the maze entrance, we continued talking.

"Last time I did one of these, I tried to kiss my reflection. I ended up with a nosebleed."

"God was punishing you for trying to date yourself."

He took a right turn, I turned left. There were eight of me in one room. It felt like a wet dream.

"Oh damn. Look at this fine ass Army of me. God really said copy-paste."

I heard his voice from the other side. "More like copy-waste. You look like a raccoon on co–"

Then it disappeared. Wait, what was that son of a female dog going to say?!

Just then, arms came out of the nearest mirror and it pulled me in...

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When I woke up, everything was dark. Just like my future.

I looked at my surroundings and myself. I was only in my duck boxers. What can I say? It's peak masculine fashion. My other clothes are gone.

And on my hand?

A weird circle thingy with a line through it (∅). A zero with commitment issues. A "no bitches" badge. Looked like the universe stamped me with a "Do Not Resuscitate" sticker.

In front of me was a girl. No, woman.

She had white hair, gray watery eyes that looked like they could actually cry a river, and to top it off, skin as pale as a ghost's.

"Y-You're awake...!" She sniffled. Holding her hands together like she was praying.

"Sweet mother of God. A crying anime waifu? Is this my punishment?" I fell to my knees and looked up to the sky. Or whatever it is. I lifted up my hand that had the mark on it. "And who the Hell branded me? I didn't agree to this kinky shit."

"That mark… it means you’re Soul Linked to me… I—I'm your Soul Link now!" She happily shouted.

"Wow... Lucky me. All the other guys probably got sexy battle angels, lightning dragons, or Gods with swords and abs. I get a sad pile of jackshit with unresolved trauma."

She began crying. I now felt terrible.

"I'm Null... The Goddess of... Nothing..." She cried.

I kept quiet.

"I don’t represent war or light or darkness or fire or lust… I am the concept of emptiness itself." She smiled weakly through tears. Yup, I'm a terrible person. "No one picked me. Ever. You're my first. My only."

"Please… don't leave me."

"Sorry for calling you a sad pile of jackshit with unresolved trauma a few moments ago." I scratched the back of my head awkwardly. "Anyway, what's the catch? You drag me here, slap your sad little cult logo on my hand, now what? You want me to fight dragons?"

"You were chosen alongside two hundred and forty-eight other Heroes to save a crumbling world..."

"That's all?"

"Not really... I summoned you because I was lonely. And forgotten. If I don't Link with a Hero… I'll disappear forever." She choked on tears. "I don't want to fade away without ever being remembered…"

I stared at her, then the floor. "I feel like an asshole..."

A few moments later...

She gave me a uniform. It was a red high collar undershirt, an indigo-blue cost with lots of pockets and silver buttons, red pants, and lastly tight black boots. This was supposedly the uniform of the team I was in. She added a red hat that looked like it was from a dead French general, and a red scarf she knitted herself. I kept the scarf.

I didn't wear the hat, I have lots of hair, so it makes me sweat. But I did keep it in on of the inside pockets.

"How do I look?" I asked.

"See for yourself." She answered, turning around a mirror.

I stared my reflection. For a second, I didn’t recognize the guy staring back.

Same black hair—messy and falling into my eyes like I never met a comb in my life. Same lean build from high school. Mediterranean tan brown, and those dumb dark brown tired eyes that always looked like I hadn't slept in six years—which was mostly true. 

"By the way, you haven't explain what this Soul Linking is. Mind doing it now?"

"Ah, right. Sorry. U-Um… so… a Soul Link is when a god or goddess—like me—um, binds their soul to a person from your world. Usually someone with, like… potential! O-Or desperation. Sometimes both... It means you and I… we're connected. Like, really connected. You can see what I see… I can feel what you feel… emotionally, mostly! B-But sometimes physically too if the link's strong enough. Not in a weird way! Unless you're into that—NO I mean—I mean not that I would mind—NO WAIT—A-Anyway! If you die, I'll fade away. Like… I'll disappear. Forever. Because I'm not strong enough to keep existing without you. And… and if I die, then you'll be sent back to your world. You'll survive. But I’ll be gone. And you'll probably forget me. Most people do… It's a mutual risk, see? We share everything. Power. Vision. Pain. Our fate. Everything. B-But! If we grow together… maybe we’ll become strong! Like, legendary-hero-epic-ballad strong! And then… then people might finally remember me. Even if it's just as… the Goddess of Nothing…"

"You're about to g-go to the Trial Cavern. M-Make sure you group u-up with your t-team before you try to get o-out." 

Just as she said that a portal opened up on the ground and I began falling.

"Don't worry, since we're Soul Linked, I can still be with you, only you're allowed to see me!"

That was the last thing I heard her say.

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I fell onto a rock. I think something broke. It sounded like cracking celary. I stood up and walked around in the crowd, looking for my group. Until some hot chick stepped up into a clearance and began a whole monologue. 

"Achtung, Versager. Wenn ihr dieses Abzeichen tragt, den Totenkopf auf eurem Ärmel, dann gehört ihr mir. Ich dulde keine Schwäche. Kein Jammern. Kein Zögern. Ihr werdet essen, schlafen und kämpfen, wenn ich es befehle. Wer fällt, bleibt liegen. Wer überlebt, verdient meinen Blick. Und wer es wagt, meinem Befehl zu widersprechen... wird wünschen, er wäre nie beschworen worden. In meiner Einheit gibt es keine Helden. Nur Werkzeuge. Und ich entscheide, wann ihr stumpf seid."

Translation: "Attention, failures. If you wear this insignia, the skull on your sleeve, then you belong to me. I tolerate no weakness. No whining. No hesitation. You will eat, sleep, and fight when I command it. Those who fall stay down. Those who survive earn my glance. And anyone who dares defy my orders… will wish they were never summoned. In my unit, there are no heroes. Only tools. And I decide when you're dull."

"Don't worry Ichirō, whenever you don't understand a language, I can translate it!"

"Thanks, Null."

"No problem, Brochi-sama!"

"Do not, call me that."

We bickered back and forth until I saw someone familiar...

My man...

The one and only...

SATORU KAWAGUCHI!

He was with the group the lady was calling up. See, normally I'd call him and make a scene, but that lady looks like she'd pin me down with a beer bottle and scream at me in German.

After a while, the other groups did that too until it was obvious that only my group was left.

We looked like Historical reenactors who took a wrong turn at Comic-Con.

And then she stepped forward. A 14-year-old 4'5" French Algerian. 

"Silence, peasants! I am your leader."

"Huh?" Was said by a girl who looked like she was also from Japan. And she was abso-fucking-lutely stoned high.

"Je suis Jeanne Beaugendre! Future Empress of this world and Supreme Commander of our unit! That hat you’re wearing? Mine now." 

Eventually we got to the introductions. Our "leader", Jeanne was a 14-year-old French Algerian, she was a highschool student before she got here. Chieko Amada, was the stoner girl, but goddamn, Father forgive me for I am NOT repenting. Just kidding, I'm Atheist. There was Gretta Talo, a Swedish-Finnish girl who looked like hated us all. There was Noah, an Aussie surfer. There was Diego Alvarez, a Mexican guy who died crossing the American border illegally. And finally, Katie Merritt, a tall Canadian girl who apologized for everything.

Now, the real problem was getting out of this cave.