Chapter 56 A Name

As everyone was dispersing from the palace grounds, I could see Milo still standing there, seeing the place where he plunged to Lady Octavi and won. However, his eyes seemed distant, as if he were lost in thought or contemplation. It was clear that his victory had not brought him the joy and glory. Watching him, immediately I thought, what would Lady Octavi think or feel that she needed to lose the spar purposely? Would she be in the state like Milo? As I was watching him, I heard Adel's voice from behind me, calling out to me that the others were already left. I turned away from the grounds and started to walk out from there.

While I was walking to rejoin with the others, Adel was beside me, and I wondered what she thought about the spar, and I asked her, "Adel, what did you think about the spar between Milo and Lady Octavi?"

"What did I think? Huh? I didn't have any thoughts about it, my lady…"

"Come on! You are on the same level as Lady Octavi; surely you must have some thoughts about it…"

"I don't have any thoughts about it, my lady…"

"That's odd; how do you not have any thoughts after watching the match?"

Adel just ignored me while we were walking…

I asked her again, "Come on! Adel, you are on the same level as Lady Octavi; surely you will have some thoughts about the match…"

Adel still ignored me, and feeling that Adel didn't want to share her thoughts with me, I decided to just keep silent and continued to walk.

When I turned my head into the hallway, suddenly I could see my mother at a distance in the hallway. The hallway was so empty, I decided to see and leave Adel. As I was approaching her quietly, I could see there was someone beside her. Slowly, I could identify the figure, and it was the Queen. Immediately, I stopped and tried to hide. I took a peek and saw them; they seemed to argue about something. My mother wrapped her hands around herself and stayed calm and composed, while the Queen seemed angry and furious towards my mother. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but the tension in the air was palpable. However, as I looked at it closer, my mother seemed not affected; it felt like it wasn't her first time dealing with the Queen, or they were always arguing with each other behind all the views of the public and noble. As I was watching them, the Queen kept circling around my mother and let everything out of her. After the Queen had finished her tirade, my mother simply didn't bother to say anything or show any gesture. The Queen immediately walked out from there furious; I could see she kept twitching her fists as she was walking, and her walking pace quickened.

As I turned my face from the Queen to my mother, surprisingly, my mother's eyes were staring at me. She showed me a smirk of a smile towards me, and immediately, I hid my face. I tried to walk out of there, and as I turned back, there was Adel in front of me, getting in my way. Suddenly, I could hear footsteps from behind me; it was my mother slowly approaching me. I tried to pass Adel to her right, yet she moved to her right as she tried not to let me go. As I tried hard to pass Adel, I heard the footsteps becoming louder. I tried to tell Adel countless times to move away, yet she didn't say anything and was just getting in my way.

"My Aurelia…" Immediately, a voice could be heard behind me; from the voice, I knew who it was…

Slowly, I turned my body as I replied, "Yes, my mother…" I could see her smirk and smile.

She leaned her face towards mine and said, "What were you doing in here?"

I replied, "Nothing…"

Her index finger touched my forehead, and she said, "Did you watch everything?"

I looked at her finger, not her face. I said, "Yes, I did…"

She put out her finger and her face from mine and said, "Did you enjoy the show?"

"I don't quite understand or follow; what does my mother ask?"

"The show means the Queen lashed it all to your mother."

I just stayed quiet and didn't say anything about it. A few seconds later, my mother said, "Just forget it! Now, we need to walk out from here…"

My mother immediately walked in front of us, and we followed behind her. As we left the palace, I couldn't help but wonder what the Queen had said to my mother until we arrived at home.

~

Arriving at my room, Adel was changing my clothes into my home attire. While she was undressing me and dressing me, I asked her about my mother and the Queen, "Adel, do you know or have any idea what my mother and the Queen were arguing about back then?"

Adel kept continuing and said, "Has my lady asked Madam about this?"

"Not yet…"

"If that's the case, my lady needs to ask Madam directly; you can't find any answer from me…"

"Well, I don't really try to find an answer from you, but rather find a clue from you…"

"A clue?"

"Yes, because you are an observant person."

"I appreciate your compliment; however, I can't tell my lady anything about Madam." Hearing that, I immediately frowned, and Adel continued, "Is the best way to ask your own mother, my lady?"

"In this circumstance, I believe it's not the right thing to do…"

As Adel helped me put on the pyjamas, she said, "What are you talking about, my lady? Not the right thing to do? Is asking your own mother not the right thing to do?"

"This matter isn't like a light thing; it must be huge and sensitive. Will my mother open up to me about it?" I continued, "It's the Queen with my mother. What I want to know is surely not something that can be easily discussed."

Adel finished tying the sash of my pyjamas, her fingers lingering for a moment before she stepped back. "If you have a mind like that, it means some things are better left unspoken, my lady," she said quietly.

As I turned my body around and said, "Bu—"

Adel cut me off with a shake of her head, her expression firm, "What will you do if my lady knows the reason behind it?"

Her words hung in the air, leaving me with a sense of unease. I turned away from Adel and got up from the chair. Walking over to the window, as I was walking there, I said, "You know, Adel… Today, I learn a lot of things: a matchmaking rig, a facade, and the problem between my mother and the Queen. I never realised how complicated things were until now."

In front of the window, I opened it and walked to the balcony as I heard the footsteps of Adel following me. I took a deep breath and finally turned to face Adel. I said, "Who am I, Adel?" with a stern expression to Adel.

Adel looked at me with a mixture of surprise and confusion; she asked me, "What do you mean by that, my lady?"

I gazed into her eyes and replied, "I mean, who am I really?" I turned my face to the sky, which was full of bright stars, and continued, "As I lost all my memory 7 years ago and lived after that, I felt like I was living someone else's life."

"You are you, my lady…There is no one but yourself…"

Adel's words resonated with me, but a part of me still felt lost. I said, "I am Aurelia Aurelius…" Was it the answer to it? Was it my name? Was it my true identity, or just a label given to me by others? "Is that really who I am? That name, is that me, Adel?"

"What is this about? Why my lady suddenly ask that?"

I gazed into Adel's eyes, searching for answers that only he could provide. "I just feel I am not me; I feel like I am living in someone else's shadow, wearing a mask that isn't truly mine."

Adel's expression softened as she replied, "You are more than a name, my lady. You are the sum of your choices and experiences, unique and irreplaceable. Your identity is defined by your actions and how you respond to the world around you."

"BUT-" I interrupted, "But what if I don't even know who I am anymore? But the world around me against me, trying to shape me into something I'm not? I have killed child—"

"YOU DIDN'T KILL THEM." Suddenly, Adel interrupted with burst of emotion. "Those children died from someone else, but it was not your fault. You must not let guilt define you."

"BUT I knew about them; I knew everything that would happen…" My hands were clutched against my chest. My breath came too fast. "I knew, I knew I knew I knew I KNEW KNEW—" Suddenly, my knees collapsed, and Adel rushed forward to catch me before I hit the ground.

"I may not be Lady Octavi, and my lady doesn't share your secrecy towards me. Please, let me help you carry this burden. You are not alone in this. Let's face it together." Adel's voice was gentle yet firm, filled with empathy and understanding. Her face was so stern yet compassionate, and I found solace in her presence.

"Thank you, Adel," I whispered, tears streaming down my face.

Adel helped me to go inside again. As we were inside, she sat me down at my desk and handed me a glass of water. The red book of mine was on top of the table, and I started to tell everything to Adel about it.

Adel listened attentively as I poured my heart out about the fate of mine and the book. Her comforting presence and unwavering support gave me the strength to share my deepest fears and vulnerabilities.

As I finished, I remembered very clearly what Adel asked after that.

…

"Do you want to change your fate, my lady? Or do you want to understand it?"

…