Stranger in a strange land

The first thing I noticed was the taste of dirt. The second was the smell of dirt. The third was the feel of dirt.

You can see where I’m going with this.

I pushed myself up to my feet, much to the chagrin of my sore muscles. Crisp, fresh air filled my lungs now that I wasn’t on the ground. I rubbed the remaining dirt particles out of my eyes.

Golden rays of sunshine peeked through verdant leaves and illuminated the tranquil clearing I was standing in. At my feet was the only patch of dirt; every other inch of ground was covered in blades of grass that swayed in the breeze. Trees, oak maybe, stood tall and imposing all around me. There were even a few butterflies, flowing splashes of pink and red among the sea of green. 

On any other occasion, I would have been awestruck.

But since I just got dumped here because some customer service girl with attitude couldn’t wait a few more goddamn seconds to check if she understood me, I was a little less chipper.

So this was Questing Heroes. Or Quest of Heroes, whichever it was. I examined the front and back of my hands, the lines on my palm, the tips of each finger. I had to hand it to them, the graphics here were pretty great.

I glanced down at myself. I was wearing a plain white shirt, looser than I was used to. My pants were just made of a thicker brown fabric and my shoes, now closer to boots, were a smooth leather. There was also a leather pack I was carrying on my back. Dropping it on the ground, I squatted to see what it contained. A waterskin, some gold coins, three apples, some glowing liquid in glass containers.

And my phone.

There were other things in the pack, but I stopped caring as soon as I laid eyes on it. It was the exact same model smartphone in the exact same blue Sharks case. I angled the screen against the sunlight, where I saw a thin line glint near the top. That was the crack that appeared after I dropped it in my first year of college. This was the exact same phone I had on Earth.

But what use would it have in some fantasy world?

As I powered it on, I noticed the start-up sequence was a little different. The smartphone company’s logo popped up just fine, but so did the words “Brought to you by Hell” right underneath it. My lock screen was the same, a funny picture of the team captain Fujita I took while he was sleeping. I swiped around the phone screen eager to see my favorite apps, but I was disappointed. Though it was the same phone body and lock screen, everything else was reset to factory settings. My photo album, contacts list, and app folders were all empty.

The only contact I had was called “Customer Service.” That’s right; Margaret had told me the premium plan comes with 24/7 access to Hell’s customer support line. I wondered how the hell (no pun intended) I had cellular coverage here, but looking at the signal strength icon, it was a full five bars with an infinity sign in front of them. Hm. I’ll ought to give them a call later.

I turned my phone off and looked at the reflection staring back at me from the black glass. I just couldn’t believe it. I’m dead? And now I’m here, in some video-game world? It didn’t feel real. Actually, no. It felt too real, and that was the problem. It felt just as real as the life I had previously lived back on Earth. All of that was real, or I thought it was. But it was just a game. And this is just a game. It’s all just games. Games all the way down.

But it was still me that I saw in the reflection. I had somehow endured all that and ended up here, wherever “here” could be. I tried to give a reassuring smile to the guy in the reflection, but he wasn’t buying it. Figures. I could never keep anything from him. But I leaned in when I noticed that something was missing.

I patted the top of my head. Nothing but hair. Damnit. My favorite cap was gone. Well, not gone. But stuck on Earth. Along with my corpse. Biting my lip, I shoved my phone back into my back and hurled it over my shoulder. Just like on Earth, my phone was giving me too much existential terror. I needed some fresh air. I needed to walk.

So I did.

The rest of the forest was just as beautiful as the clearing. The sun was hanging right above me when I woke up, and it had since drifted a bit closer to the horizon. I had found a dirt path that followed along the edge of the forest. To the right of me was trees, to the left of me open fields. The canopy of leaves provided just enough shade to keep me cool. I focused on breathing in through my nose and out through pursed lips, like I did before a big game. The only other sound I listened to was the crunch of dirt beneath my feet in a steady rhythm. I must have spent a good half-hour like that. Just walking, trying to enjoy this new life of mine. But I knew I had to face the music eventually.

When I pulled my phone out of my pocket I had calmed down. It was still at infinity bars, whatever that meant. Enough beating around the bush. I was ready to ask the big, burning questions that had torn away at my own sense of self and being. I dialed the only contact on my phone and pressed it to my ear.

For a few moments, it was only the familiar pulsing tone of a phone call waiting to be answered. Then a voice.

“Thank you for calling Hell’s award-winning customer hotline!”

I nearly dropped my phone. It was the voice of that blonde girl I waited in line for, the first person I met in Hell.

“If you are calling because your life service plan has expired, please press one,” she said.

Oh god. Not this shit again. I trudged along the path but couldn’t help dragging my feet a little.

“If you would like to report an immersion disruption, please press two.”

I took a scan of my surroundings. Nope. Everything felt pretty damn immersive.

“If your plan benefits are not up to your satisfaction, please press three.”

Would that do me any good? Probably not. I’m still not fully aware of what my plan benefits are. That’s one thing I wanted to find out.

“Si se necesita español, presione cuatro.”

I don’t necesita español, thanks for asking.

“If you have any other questions, please press five.” 

And there it is. With a sigh, I pressed five and put my phone back next to my ear.

“One moment.” Then a pause. A long pause. A looong pause. A loooooooong pause. 

My hopes spiked when a voice finally got back to me. And plummeted when I heard what it said.

“We’re sorry,” the same blonde woman said. “Due to heavy traffic of incoming calls, we were not able to answer your questions. You have been placed in the queue. Please stay on the line for a representative.”

And they played hold music. Not just any hold music, mind you. Hold music from Quest of Heroes. I’m pretty sure I heard this back on Earth during the commercials.

It was a miracle that I didn’t tear my hear out. But I screamed as if I did, which scared a few birds out of the trees in my vicinity. Poor things. The epic, adrenaline-pumping orchestral soundtrack droned on through my phone as I paced around in circles. The speakers made it sound tinny and washed out, but to be honest the music was well put-together. It just felt very out of place for a standing around in the greenery.

So I kept walking.

Minutes passed. Still nothing but the main menu music. It had already looped five times. There’s no way that many people could have that many questions. This world seemed pretty straight-forward, at least from the Earth ads I had seen. Straight-forward for people who are into that sort of stuff, at least. I still had a bunch to figure out, which is why my questions were so important and why I should be first in that goddamn queue!

Would my phone even still be alive by the time my call went through? A pang of worry struck me as I checked the battery. But it had an infinity sign in front of it too. More benefits of the premium plan. 

The sun was nearing the horizon. And I was still being put on hold. After hours of the situationally inappropriate battle music, my mind had tuned it out. I busied myself by looking at all the odd creatures I found on my walk. Many of them were normal animals, like birds and snakes, but some were mind-bending. Like a few docile blob things I saw in the field, rolling around and eating the grass maybe. Or the giant spiders. They were the size of my hand! Actually, that might exist on Earth. But it was still freaky seeing it in person, attached to the side of a tree.

As things were getting darker, I was starting to get more worried. I still hadn’t found a place to sleep, and I hadn’t met any other people yet. If this is like a game, there should be other players. I glanced to my right and did a double-take. Two glowing spots hid under the shadowy brush. Finally, a person. I waved my hand and called out to them.

“Hey!” I said. “Are you also new here?”

A clawed hand pushed the foliage away to reveal a snarling mouth full of drool-stained teeth. It peeked its head out, revealing scaly green skin. Whatever it was, it had beady, yellow eyes and pointed ears like a fox. As it chuckled, more pairs of glowing spots blinked into the shadows behind it.

The battle music from my phone was starting to feel more appropriate.