Where The Light Refuses To Go

I clutch the fabric of my dress, hoping for a better answer.

“W…what is my n..name? I whimper, hoping that maybe, just maybe, it was my mind playing tricks on me.

Nothing answers me but the faint sound of static. Why am I not allowed to be whole?

Am I not allowed to be real?

My mind is spiralling as I contemplate why my name seems to be replaced or hidden from me. Iris moves her cup to the side; whether or not she was finished with it seems to be of no concern to her. She leans over and places her hand on the top of my head.

“It’s okay”, she reassures me, with a warm but concerned smile on her face. Her hand feels gentle but reassuring. I’m not too sure why or how, but just the feeling of her hand on my head made me feel at ease; my mind calmed.

“You just need to get used to your reflection”, she continued, moving her hand left and right almost as if giving me head pats. The words, while meant to be reassuring, just confirmed to me more that despite my decision not to avert my eyes, I had still been hiding.

I guess there’s a difference between deciding and doing. I thought to myself, while looking around, the clock striking 00:00. I stood up and moved towards the window, the moon shining in the emptiness of the sky.

There are no stars, I think to myself, wondering why the night sky is simply just the moon shining in the emptiness of the sky.

Iris stands up and slowly walks beside me. She places her hand on my shoulder.

“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it? The way it shines on borrowed light and yet doesn’t let that stop it from stealing our attention.”

“It’s funny, isn’t it, how the moon shines without any regard for the rest of the sky”

Her voice was gentle but sharp, her words beautiful yet hurtful. I clench my fist as I begin to try and swallow the information that has been given to me.

“I guess I need to find myself”, I pondered, wondering if going it alone would be best.

“I think you should try. Plus, it’s getting late,” She said, looking up at the clock.

I forced a smile, looking up at the clock that still said 00:00.

“I’ll go get some rest. You should get some, too.” I suggest making sure that Iris also looks after herself.

After all, I’m not the type of person whom others should sacrifice themselves for.

Iris shows me the way through the maze of skyscrapers and to the door. We share gazes, her hair flowing in the wind like strands of fate. I wave goodbye and we part ways for the night.

Why was the clock stuck on 00:00? I question myself, wondering if my mind was playing tricks on me. However, one look at the world around me tells me everything. The trees are stuck being blown in the wind, and the moon remains in the same spot; the fireflies are stuck dancing in the same spot, almost as if time itself is waiting for me.

As I walk through the city centre, which looks monochrome, the colour has gone from all around me, with the only thing shining being the moon. The flowers that were once vibrant colours have been reduced to shades of grey, and yet the darkest thing in this monotone world was still my dress.

What is happening? I ponder to myself, wondering what type of magic power this is.

Out of the corner of my eye, I catch a glimpse of something glistening, a puddle, dancing in the moonlight that shines down.

I kneel beside the puddle.

The moon’s light isn’t white but silver, my hands framing it like I was trying to hold a memory still.

What is my name? I murmured to myself as a ripple trembled across the surface, distorting the moon's reflection.

“Sakura…Taiyo…Ume?” Each name i said fell into the water like leaves, making no sound.

I look at the moon's reflection once more.

Then, silence.

I open my mouth to say a name, but static stops me from saying it.

My eyes widen with realisation and then quickly begin to be enveloped with tears.

My lip trembled.

“Why is my name not allowed to be spoken…”

I find the strength to climb back to my feet, trying to wipe the tears from my face as if trying to erase the feelings that won’t go away.

“I thought I wasn’t going to look away”, I murmur, fighting through my lips that are trembling. My hands grip tighter on my dress as my mind begins to spiral, cycling through everything.

“Why can’t I do what I say…

“Who am I???”

“What AM I”

My thoughts begin to spiral more as my eyes begin to blur the world around me. I find myself leaning on a wall and walking down this dark alley.

One hand on the wall.

One hand on my heart.

The world around me becomes so blurred that I sit down, head placed in my knees, wondering where it all went wrong.

“Is.. there a place for me here?”

“W…was there ever a place for me here?”

My mind begins to hurt, my hands on the sides of my head, fingers interlaced with my hair. The world around me begins to become even more blurred, my tears falling on the floor, collecting into a puddle.

At this point, all seems hopeless, as if I never mattered, as if this world would be better off without me.

A gleam shines past my eyes, and a loud sound is heard next to me, like the fabric of reality was shattering. I looked through the ocean that had become my tears, and could work out the rough shape of what looked like an arrow.

I crawled across the floor. I could just about get my fingers around it. There seemed to be a string attached to it with a piece of paper on the end.

How did this get here? I thought weapons couldn’t be made using magic.

The arrow was finely crafted and clearly had magical properties. It looked like the tip was made of crystal, but that would be a problem for another day.

I move my fingers gently down the arrow and along the ropes. I can see that something is written on the paper.

I squint barely making out the ink-written words on the paper.

“Run…”

“To the edge of the world…”