Eldritch Space Hunter Five: I - Retirement Party

“Congratulations on a lifetime of faithful service, C4N!” said Riku, slapping the bulky robot on the shoulder.

The robot shook his head. “You're making me blush.”

“Nonsense,” said Elana, fiddling with the Aegis at her temple. “Robots are incapable of blushing. However, if we had enough blood, I'm sure we could…”

Her idea was interrupted by the Aegis beeping. She trembled as if being electrocuted, then stood there, glassy eyed and slack jawed. Smoke billowed from her ears, and her glasses were askew.

Maka and Hollis stepped up next to Elana. “I think what she was trying to say,” said Maka, her pointy ears twitching, “is you don't have to be so modest.”

“Yeah,” said the squat and swarthy Hollis. “High five!” His hand met Maka's clawed hand in a mid-air slap, the broken chain on the manacle around Maka's wrist jangling.

“You're all too kind,” said C4N. “And just for a lowly janitor robot.”

Riku put his arm around the robot's shoulder. “It's nothing,” he said. “While we're out there,” he pointed a drink-laden hand out the window of the space station, “fighting those nightmarish beasts in space, we need someone like you to clean up the place for us.”

“I only wish I could keep doing it,” said C4N.

Maka put her arm around the robot's shoulder from the other side while Hollis wheeled in a crate that said C5N in big bold letters on the side. “Yeah,” she said. “I get that, but you know how it is with planned obsolescence. You only get to operate for so long before we have to retire you.”

Hollis swung a crowbar in his hands. “I'm ready to start unpacking!” he said.

C4N stepped up to the big metal door. The banner dangling from it said, “We'll miss you!” He placed a metal hand on it. “If I had emotion circuits, I'm sure they would be overwhelmed right now.” He turned to face the uniformed crew, each of their jumpsuits a different color to match the space mech they piloted. “I only wish that Miss Sonnenaufgang were here to see me off as well.”

Riku frowned. He crossed his arms. “Yeah,” he said. “We all miss Tequila.” He let out a breath. “Let's get this over with.” He slammed his palm against the giant red button in front of the giant metal door. It slid open. The previously compacted robots and junk and bits of metal drifted apart, leaving plenty of room for C4N to step inside.

He gave one last look to the Space Hunters. “I'll be sure to write!” he said before stepping inside.

“Sure,” said Riku, still frowning.

“I'll tell Miss Sonnenaufgang hello,” the robot said.

“It doesn't work that way,” said Riku, pressing the button.

“Say,” said the robot. “There's a person in here. And he has a mechmote.” He bent over as the door was closing and held up an unconscious figure wearing a green jumpsuit holding a mechmote with a gem that looked like a tired eye.

Maka, eyes wide, leaped over Riku and slammed the emergency stop button. She landed on the floor, tail and whiskers twitching. The door stopped in its tracks before reversing course and opening back up again. The robot stepped back into the room, cradling the unconscious man in his arms. He set him down on a nearby table, pushing aside the empty cups and discarded plates.

“Let me look at him,” Elana said, her eyes consuming the unconscious man like a savory meal. “I am a doctor, after all!”

Hollis stepped beside her. “You're an exopsychologist,” he said. “What is that? A PhD?”

Elana glared at Hollis. “Still, he may have suffered an emotional trauma. I should inspect him.”

She began to poke and prod him, her eyes focused behind the lenses of her glasses. Maka and Riku stepped up next to her and watched.

Then his eyes fluttered open.

“Hey! He's awake!” Maka said, climbing over Elana and peering right into the eyes of the strange man.

“W-where am I?” he said, pushing the strange catgirl off of him. She fell to the floor, but acted as if she had meant to do that.

“You're on Space Hunter Farstation,” Riku said, looking at the man with an air of distrust and suspicion. “What were you doing in our garbage compactor?”

The man sat up. “The last thing I remember was being pulled into the magma by the Dark Lord.” He trailed off, placing his hand to his head. “I thought I was done for, but then a cat saved me from a giant spider, again.”

Elana sat on the table next to him, sliding herself unprofessionally close beside him. “Oh,” she said. “My poor dear. You've had some serious emotional trauma. Please,” she said, placing a hand on his chest, “tell Dr. Vollstrand all about it.”

The man blinked, looked down at the hand on his chest, then around the room. “Who's Dr. Vollstrand?” he asked.

Elana frowned, her face reddening. “That would be me,” she said, digging her nails into the man's chest. Then her Aegis beeped. After a brief jolt and a spasm, she sat there silently.

“You'll have to excuse the doctor,” said Hollis. He held out his hand, helping the man to his feet. “She's not been the same since she was captured by the star-children.” He leaned a bit closer so that only the man could hear him. “She's a bit crazy now. That device keeps her in check. It's like a pacemaker for insane thoughts.”

The man looked around, his head aswim with confusion. “But where are we?” he said.

“Space Hunter Farstation,” Riku repeated, his voice bearing just a twinge of irritation.

Maka stood from the floor. “A space station,” she clarified. “Out in space.” She picked up the newcomer's mechmote. “Is this your mechmote?” she asked.

He took it from her and examined the sigil. “Drowsysword?” he said, looking at the device.

“Affirmative,” the device said.

He leaned against a large crate in the middle of the room. “I just need a minute,” he said.

One of the sides of the crate fell off, and a sleek new robot sauntered out from the box. “I'm ready to clean!” he said. Then he stopped, pointed at C4N and said, “Why's that loser still here?”

“Oh, you're right!” said C4N. “One moment!” He stepped back into the compactor, then reached his hand around to press the button. “It was nice knowing you all, even the new guy!”

“Wait!” said the man. “What are you doing?”

Everybody looked at him as if he had grown a second head.

The robot in the compactor spoke. “I'm just going to dispose of myself. I've reached the end of my serviceable life, so there's no purpose in my continuing to be around.”

“So you're just going to die?” He stepped over to the compactor door.

The robot gave a synthetic laugh. It was not convincing. “Riku has informed me that robots do not die. So it will be all right.” He reached for the button again.

“Wait!” said the man. He nudged the robot's hand aside. “That doesn't sound right.”

“Why not?” Riku said. “When the compactor gets full, we send the load back to Earth, or probably Venus, and they recycle the components into new robots and other stuff we need around here.”

“And boy do we need some new stuff,” said Maka. “In our last battle we lost a whole mech, most of our secondary fleet, and our station admiral.”

“At least the bar's still around,” said Hollis.

“So you're just going to toss a perfectly good robot in the trash?” said the man.

“Recycler,” said Elana, the smoke having cleared from her ears.

“Even though he's perfectly good?” he pulled the robot out from the compactor. C4N had a few dents and scrapes, and one of his eyes flickered, but otherwise, he seemed to be okay.

“He's obsolete,” said Maka. “If he breaks, we can't get new parts for him.”

“Can't you fabricate new parts yourself?” said the man.

Hollis shrugged.

“I'm not getting started cleaning this place while that loser is around. He'll probably spill my mop bucket or get muddy footprints on my polished floor,” said the new robot.

The man placed himself between the old robot and the rest of the people in the room. “I'm sure we can come up with a compromise,” he said.

Riku ran his hand through his spiky hair. “Let's make a deal,” he said.

“Sure,” said the man.

“You have a mechmote. We currently only have four mechs. We need five to attain Fonal Form. You join our squad as the fifth, and we'll let you keep the old robot.” He looked over at the new one. “Will that work for you?”

“As long as he keeps that loser out of my way,” said the new robot.

“How about you?” Riku said to the old robot.

“That works for me. I suppose I could put off getting decommissioned for a while longer.”

“And you?” Riku asked the newcomer.

“Sure,” he said. “By the way, my name is Kenichi, Kenichi Chozen.” He held his hand out to Riku.

“Riku Kazenami,” he said, ignoring the hand. “But everybody calls me Starbrand.” He pointed to Elana. “That's Dr. Elana Vollstrand, but she goes by Achyls. The catgirl is Maka Nekotani, but we call her Clawbyte, and the short guy is Hollis Wren. Goes by Jackal.”

“I'm not that short,” said Hollis.

“We're the Space Hunter Five. Well, four,” he paused, took a breath. “We hunt eldritch horrors at the edge of space. We each fly a mech, just like you, and as you know, we can merge them together to attain Final Form. We're just a bit strapped for resources right now because of the last battle.”

Kenichi tried to wrap his brain around everything Riku had just said.

“You look like you could use a drink,” Hollis said. Then he looked at the table of empty glasses and bottles. “I know just the place. Follow me.”

Kenichi followed Hollis into the hall. The old robot followed after them As he left, he heard Elana say, “He can share quarters with me.”

“He'll get his own quarters,” Riku said firmly.

“You'll have to excuse Starbrand's gruffness,” Hollis said. “He recently lost his girlfriend.”

“Marguerite ‘Tequila’ Sonnenaufgang,” said Maka, who had appeared out of nowhere. “He's been trying to replace Tequila with whiskey,” she said.

Hollis laughed. “High-five,” he said. They gave each other a high-five.

Kenichi scratched the back of his head. “Do you two also have terrible backstories?”

“Backstories?” Maka said. She crossed her arms. “We're real people, you know.”

“Sorry,” said Kenichi. “I must still be a little confused.”

“Just don't act that way around Achyls,” said Hollis. “She'll want to do some private therapy sessions, if you know what I mean.”

“I don't,” said Kenichi.

The two laughed. “Well, we both do have our own sob stories,” said Hollis. “I'm an orphan from the asteroid belt. My parents were scrappers, and they died in an attack by the star-children. I was the only survivor, because I was hiding under my bunk. I had to scrap together all the remaining ship parts to build a spaceship I could use to escape. Fortunately, the Space Hunters needed a demolition expert, and I make a pretty strong left hand on the Final Form.”

“And I'm a genetically engineered Nekoid, made to be a pet-slave race,” said Maka. She held up her broken manacle. “I led the revolt, but was the only one to escape alive. I wear this manacle as a reminder of my people back home. Once I have rid the universe of the eldritch horrors, I'll work to end the more human horrors. I'm a pretty mean right hand,” she said.

“High five!” Hollis said. She gave him a high-five. He looked at Kenichi. “After you get yourself a drink at Hasenrausch, we'll take you to your quarters.” They stood outside the bar. There were a few people inside sipping drinks quietly. “Any idea what you want your call sign to be?”

Kenichi, however, noticed one figure out of all of them. She stood behind the bar, cleaning a glass with a bar towel. She had green eyes, and wore futuristic blue earrings, but he could recognize her anywhere.

“Marumi!” he said, running into the bar.