Providence

White.

So white.

Nothing else filled my sight—only white, endless and blinding. A color, part of the monochrome spectrum. A color I hated most.

Yes, I hated it. Too easily tainted by the smallest stain, ruining its entire harmony. No longer pure, no longer worthy of its name.

Maybe I hated it because it reminded me; everything that seems perfect is fragile, ready to shatter with the smallest truth.

But I realized—I was dead.

My body no longer felt pain. No wounds, no torment, no suffocating weight in my chest. Only silence now—deep, calm, absolute.

I’d heard some say people nearing death see this color. A final space of white, between life and whatever comes after.

This phenomenon is actually quite complex to explain. Because as a human, you're only given one chance to truly experience it—once in your lifetime, and that's precisely at life's end.

However, based on one of the metaphysics books I read when I was alive, it was written that people who die in a good state will often see white as the last color enveloping their consciousness.

A metaphor of peace, love, warmth. The light at the end of a tunnel, guiding one toward heaven.

So... if what the book said was true—then maybe the vision of holy men, of a heaven filled with endless white light, wasn’t just a symbol. Maybe it was truth itself.

Perhaps I was on my way there now.

I was certain.

The white moved, swirling into waves, shaping a tunnel with a point of light at its end. I floated in its current, carried by something that seemed to know where I belonged.

Silence surrounded me, filling me with warmth. A calm that seeped into my soul, erasing all fear, replacing it with a feeling I had never known.

Yes, this should be it...

After what I did—after leaping into fire to save that baby—it seemed right. Surely heaven was my reward. At least, that’s what people always said about good deeds.

I almost smiled, imagining it. Peace. Rest. Maybe even... chicken noodles in heaven?

Hmm... I wondered if heavenly noodles would taste better than the ones from “Dian Jaya,” my weekly favorite. They’d better.

...

But wait...

That jump from the burning building—didn’t that count as suicide?

Hmmmm...

No... no, it couldn’t.

I hadn’t jumped because I wanted to die. I had no choice. My body was broken, burning, every escape closed.

There was nothing left but to jump, to end unbearable pain.

But what if I had held on longer? What if I’d endured a little more, even as the pain drove me mad? Could I have been saved?

I remembered the firefighter’s words—

I’m sorry, sir… if only I had gotten there sooner…

Was he climbing up to the sixth floor? Was he trying to reach me through the very window I jumped from? Did I give up too soon?

Oh dear...

Why was I doubting now?

As I wavered, the tunnel’s current suddenly stopped. I hung there, suspended—between two realms, nowhere to go.

Well...

What is this? Does heaven have a queuing system too?

***

Time seemed to slow down in that silent space. I was left hanging aimlessly for too long. Honestly, I was starting to feel scared.

This wasn’t some earthly matter to bargain over. Not something solved with apologies. This was the moment—the moment of judgment. To stand before God, who saw every step, every sin.

What if I’d committed a grave sin I’d forgotten?

What if I’d hurt someone, never forgiven?

Or worse... what if I still carried debts unpaid?

Yes, fear after death was unlike any other.

A fear of absolute unknowing.

Humans are driven to seek answers. But death—death is the one mystery no living person can solve. This fear is the ignorance of what comes next.

...

Then, the light at the tunnel’s end began to change. Slowly darkening. White faded into black.

The point grew larger. Little by little, until it no longer looked like a mere point.

Bigger and closer.

Until finally, it swallowed me whole...

At that moment, at the edge of my deepest fear, I surrendered everything—

I surrendered my entire being to Him who had the right to judge. Him who would gaze upon me from behind His throne and decide the direction of my eternity.

Even if my actions at that time were to be recorded as the sin of suicide, I would not deny it. I would accept it, because perhaps that was indeed what transpired.

And if He decided to let the gates of hell gape open, then I would step into them without hesitation. With full awareness and an open heart.

***

Black.

Utter black.

And yet—

Amid the darkness, I felt it. A faint light, soft, pressing against me... against my eyelids.

My eyelids?

But wasn’t I dead?

But truly, I felt them. There was a warm sensation around my eyes, and a faint urge that made me want to open them. But it felt heavy. My eyelids seemed glued shut by a strong adhesive; I couldn't open them.

Slowly, I also began to catch faint sounds echoing from a distance. indistinct at first, but growing clearer; the sound of hurried footsteps, shouts, laughter, even cheers. It all blended together, creating a commotion that reminded me of a grand parade or celebration.

My body wasn't fully conscious. But strangely, I could feel myself being carried. As if in the embrace of something enormous—large and strong. Perhaps like being held by a giant.

Even though my body was weak and limp, I could feel that I still had some control. I could move my fingers, wiggle my hands—even if only slightly.

How can I explain it? Maybe it's like someone who's just regained consciousness after a long faint.

And then...

The commotion suddenly ceased.

The loud cheering vanished, replaced by a different sound. The sound of shouting... and the thunderous roar of horse hooves in the distance. The sound approached—fast and fierce.

Then slowly, I could feel my body being transferred into someone else's embrace. The touch of the hands now holding me felt different, not as large as the previous ones. The embrace felt smaller and lighter.

I was carried slowly in that gentle embrace, as if ascending something... perhaps stairs... moving upwards.

Amidst their slow steps, I felt my face being touched by so many hands. Touches almost like caresses. Some touched my forehead, others gently patted my cheek. Some simply stroked my hair slowly.

Then, as the rhythm of the thudding began to weaken and finally stopped altogether, the person carrying me also halted their steps.

In the quiet of that change in atmosphere, my body was positioned upright, then held aloft in a supine position.

And at the same time...

The light that had been softly trying to creep in now pressed more intensely. Its intensity increased, forcing my eye muscles to open, if only a tiny slit. My eyelids, which had been tightly shut, fluttered slightly.

But no matter how hard I tried, I could only slowly squint my eyes. Yet, from that narrow sliver of vision, it was enough for me to witness something familiar...

The sprawling blue sky, the cotton-like white clouds, and a flock of white pigeons flying in unison cleaving the air.

Such a peaceful sight...

However...

It was also what startled me instantly...

A shock that immediately jolted both my eyelids to open even wider.

There were so many cheers down below. Boisterous voices overflowing with joy. They seemed so cheerful, as if celebrating something truly meaningful to them. A celebration that made everyone there simultaneously immerse themselves in happiness.

From above, I watched them scattering flower petals into the air. They strewed so many petals, filling the space with soft colors that swirled, floated, and danced in the wind.

Then the petals fell slowly, painting the air with a slow motion that made me feel calm and mesmerized; almost like the rain of flowers I once dreamed of as a child.

That beautiful sight...

It was truly bringing me to full consciousness now...

And making me start to ponder something...

I was alive again...