Providence

White...

So white...

There was no other sight I could grasp besides the color white dominating my entire field of vision. A color that was one of the fundamental elements in the monochrome scheme. A color, ironically, that I disliked the most of all.

Yes, I hated this color. Because this color was too easily tainted by the slightest stain, ultimately ruining its entire harmony. It no longer appeared clean, no longer deserved to be called by its synonym.

Another reason might be that it reminded me that everything that appears perfect is actually fragile and can shatter at any moment with just a little bit of reality.

But I realized, I had died...

My body no longer felt any pain. There was no longer the throbbing of wounds or the emotional tremors that usually constricted my chest. Everything had vanished, replaced by a profound and peaceful silence.

Indeed, as far as I knew, some people saw this color as they approached their death. The color that filled the final space between life and whatever came next.

This phenomenon is actually quite complex to explain. Because as a human, you're only given one chance to truly experience it—once in your lifetime, and that's precisely at life's end.

However, based on one of the metaphysics books I read when I was alive, it was written that people who die in a good state will often see white as the last color enveloping their consciousness.

As the only dominant color that signals they've reached the final limit or are about to start something anew.

A metaphor for a light bringing eternal peace, love, and warmth—a light that appears at the end of a tunnel, which supposedly will guide you to heaven.

So... if what was written in that book proves true.

Then it's possible that the depiction by religious leaders of heaven, said to be filled with countless white lights, is not just a symbol, but the actual form of truth itself.

Perhaps now I am indeed on my journey to that place.

I'm very sure...

Because this white light is no longer static. It moves slowly, forming circular waves, transforming into a tunnel with a point at its end. Then, I am in the middle of it, floating, following a current that seems to know where to take me.

Moreover, silence surrounded and filled every space with a warm stillness. Along with a sense of calm that enveloped my entire soul—slowly seeping into my heart, erasing every form of anxiety, replacing everything with a feeling I had never experienced before.

Yes, it should be that way...

Given my heroic actions at the time, it felt only right that I earned a place in heaven. At least, that's what people always said about the rewards of good deeds.

I couldn't wait to imagine what it would be like there. Surely tranquil, peaceful, and... who knows, maybe there's Mie Ayam there?

Hmm... I wonder, what would heavenly Mie Ayam taste like? It should be better than the one at "Dian Jaya"—my weekly go-to place. It couldn't possibly be worse, could it?

But wait...

That thing I did—jumping off the building... doesn’t that technically count as suicide?

Hmmmm...

No... no... it shouldn't be like that...

I did it not because I wanted to die, but because the situation was already out of control. My body was full of wounds, burned and torn—all paths were closed.

There were no other options but to jump from that sixth floor. I just wanted to end the unbearable suffering.

But... what if I had waited a little longer? What if I had tried to endure, even if the pain nearly drove me insane? Could there have been another possibility that could have saved me?

As I recall, the firefighter said...

I’m sorry, sir… if only I had gotten there sooner…

Did that mean he was on his way up to the sixth floor? Was he trying to reach me through the window where I jumped? Did I give up too quickly?

Oh dear...

Why am I starting to doubt?

Amidst the doubt that had settled in my mind, the current of light that had been carrying me suddenly stopped. I was still, halted in the middle of its path, trapped between two realms that hadn't yet chosen where I was supposed to go.

Well...

What is this? Does heaven have a queuing system too?

…

Time seemed to slow down in that silent space. I was left hanging aimlessly for too long. Honestly, I was starting to feel scared.

And how could I not be? This was no longer a worldly matter that could be negotiated. Nor was it a small issue that could be resolved with an apology. This was the most crucial moment, where you would be directly confronted with God—with Him who recorded every step and who would judge all your deeds in the world.

What if I had committed a great sin that I had forgotten?

What if I had hurt someone and hadn't been forgiven?

Or... what if I still had a debt I hadn't had time to pay?

What was clear was that fear after death was a different kind of fear from all other forms of fear.

'A fear of absolute unknowing.'

At our core, humans have an unrelenting urge to seek answers. Death is the final mystery—one that cannot be solved by those still living. And this fear… is the terror of not knowing the ultimate truth about what comes after.

…

Suddenly, the point of light at the end of the tunnel slowly began to change color. From its once pure and calming white, it gradually darkened. Turning black.

The point grew larger. Little by little, until it no longer looked like a mere point.

Bigger and bigger...

Closer and closer...

Until finally, it swallowed me whole.

I surrendered my entire being to Him who had the right to judge. Him who would gaze upon me from behind His throne and decide the direction of my eternity.

Even if my actions at that time were to be recorded as the sin of suicide, I would not deny it. I would accept it, because perhaps that was indeed what transpired.

And if He decided to let the gates of hell gape open, then I would step into them without hesitation. With full awareness and an open heart.

…

Black...

So black...

But strangely...

Though everything around me was swallowed in darkness, I could feel a faint, gentle ray of light trying to break through, touching something that felt like... eyelids.

Eyelids?

But... wasn’t I already dead?

But truly, I felt them. There was a warm sensation around my eyes, and a faint urge that made me want to open them. But it felt heavy. My eyelids seemed glued shut by a strong adhesive; I couldn't open them.

Slowly, I also began to catch faint sounds echoing from a distance. indistinct at first, but growing clearer; the sound of hurried footsteps, shouts, laughter, even cheers. It all blended together, creating a commotion that reminded me of a grand parade or celebration.

My body wasn't fully conscious. But strangely, I could feel myself being carried. As if in the embrace of something enormous—large and strong. Perhaps like being held by a giant.

Even though my body was weak and limp, I could feel that I still had some control. I could move my fingers, wiggle my hands—even if only slightly.

How can I explain it? Maybe it's like someone who's just regained consciousness after a long faint.

And then...

The commotion suddenly ceased.

The loud cheering vanished, replaced by a different sound. The sound of shouting... and the thunderous roar of horse hooves in the distance. The sound approached—fast and fierce.

Then slowly, I could feel my body being transferred into someone else's embrace. The touch of the hands now holding me felt different, not as large as the previous ones. The embrace felt smaller and lighter.

I was carried slowly in that gentle embrace, as if ascending something... perhaps stairs... moving upwards.

Amidst their slow steps, I felt my face being touched by so many hands. Touches almost like caresses. Some touched my forehead, others gently patted my cheek. Some simply stroked my hair slowly.

Then, as the rhythm of the thudding began to weaken and finally stopped altogether, the person carrying me also halted their steps.

In the quiet of that change in atmosphere, my body was positioned upright, then held aloft in a supine position.

And at the same time...

The light that had been softly trying to creep in now pressed more intensely. Its intensity increased, forcing my eye muscles to open, if only a tiny slit. My eyelids, which had been tightly shut, fluttered slightly.

But no matter how hard I tried, I could only slowly squint my eyes. Yet, from that narrow sliver of vision, it was enough for me to witness something familiar...

The sprawling blue sky, the cotton-like white clouds, and a flock of white pigeons flying in unison cleaving the air.

Such a peaceful sight...

However...

It was also what startled me instantly...

A shock that immediately jolted both my eyelids to open even wider.

There were so many cheers down below. Boisterous voices overflowing with joy. They seemed so cheerful, as if celebrating something truly meaningful to them. A celebration that made everyone there simultaneously immerse themselves in happiness.

From above, I watched them scattering flower petals into the air. They strewed so many petals, filling the space with soft colors that swirled, floated, and danced in the wind.

Then the petals fell slowly, painting the air with a slow motion that made me feel calm and mesmerized; almost like the rain of flowers I once dreamed of as a child.

That beautiful sight...

It was truly bringing me to full consciousness now...

And making me start to ponder something...

I was alive again...