Chapter 10 - Will It Be

Green. Green. Green. Silver. Brown. Green. Blue. Gold. Blue. Green. Brown. Yellow. Grey. Black. Brown. Blue.

A cosmic aurora once again rendezvous upon my vision, preventing me from the comfort of sleep. But, it’s different from before, no being torn apart, only a profound, peaceful stillness. It feels like coming home.

Amongst the traffic of tones, a figure emerges.

"I-It’s her." I breathe, a quiet echo in the vastness.

She is not a distant reflection. She is present, radiating a confidence I’ve never possessed. A gentle, knowing smile surfaces on her face, her eyes like twin pools of serene understanding.

"Hello again, Shikara." Her voice is my own, but without the frayed edges from a lifetime of use. It is clear and calm, a melody that takes root in my skull.

"Wh…" I start, the question lodging in my throat. "Who exactly are you? I thought… I thought I was allowed to start again?" My voice trembles slightly, the last vestiges of fear from the waking world clinging to me.

"I am the part of you that answered when the void asked ‘Why?’" she explains, her form shimmering with the soft colours around us. 

The ambient light seems to coalesce around her, making her appear as though she is woven from the very essence of this place. 

"I am your will. The guiding force that chose to keep going, even when living felt like a weight too heavy to bear."

Her words resonate within my mind, as if I always knew.

"Your soul has been set alight with the passion of your will." She gestures, the swirling colours behind her shift and brighten.

"When you made your choice," she continues, "you did more than just ask for another life. You renewed your soul’s contract with existence. You have been given a new life, untainted by your past."

"But," her expression sedates and the light in her eyes tightens, "a second chance is not a simple thing. Your soul was fractured, worn thin by years of quiet anguish. To send you into this new world as you were… well it would have been cruel."

I listen, trying to keep my mind poised. 

"So, a deal was struck." she explains, raising a hand. A stream of dark, bruised purple light drifts away from my core and gathers in her palm, swirling like smoke.

"To give you a fighting chance, the worst of your pain had to be… dampened. The edges of your grief, depression and loneliness, muted."

She closes her hand, and the smoky purple light vanishes.

The clarity I’ve felt since waking in the forest, the absence of that familiar, heavy blanket of despair… it wasn't just a change of scenery. It was a deliberate act.

"Please heed my warning," her voice firm, pulling me from my thoughts. "This new lease on life came at a cost. The pain isn’t gone. It’s merely quiet. And this quiet is fragile. It is a gift, a tool, but it is not a cure."

My old habits. The avoidance. The monotony. The retreat into numbness.

It’s a lot to take in. The gravity of the situation feels immense. 

But honestly? The most prominent feeling inside me is just… relief. The idea that the pain might come back feels distant and hypothetical. 

The simple fact that it’s gone now is all that matters to me. 

"Okay," I say, my voice surprisingly level. I offer a small, slightly detached nod. "I understand. Be careful. Don’t fall into bad habits. I can do that."

A flicker of something writhes its way across her face, disappointment? Concern? She sees that I saw it.

The serene colours of the void begin to dim, pulling away from me like an ebbing tide. Her form grows fainter, more translucent.

"Wait!" I call out, as a sudden panic hits me.

Her form is almost gone, but her voice remains, a final, resonant echo in the encroaching darkness. "Rest now, be strong enough to bear it when it comes."

Vacant knocking pulls me from the depths of my slumber.

"Shikara? Are you awake?" It’s Elara’s voice, mellow and cheerful, coming from the other side of the wooden door. "Breakfast is ready!"

The dream is already fading, its vivid details dissolving in a mist but the final words are burned into my mind. Be strong enough to bear it when it comes?

"What does that even mean?"

I sit bolt upright on the straw mattress. The morning sun streams through the small, high window, illuminating particles in the air. 

I push the rough-spun blanket aside, and swing my legs over the side of the bed. My ankle is still in pain but it’s already a lot better than yesterday.

A strange mix of apprehension and uncomplicated hunger stir within me.