How Sir Gawain Met His Wife

Sir Gawain was quite happy. He was a knight of great renown with wealth, land, fame, servants, and all that he desired. He received challenges often, but he always won. He had received another challenge for today, in fact. The writing in this particular letter was a bit odd, but that didn’t matter to Sir Gawain. He strode with his armor polished and sword sharpened. He would accept any challenge. He would defeat any challenger.

He arrived at the designated place to find… a half armored woman?

“Oh dear. Is it that time already?” The woman cleared her throat. “Sir Gawain I will defeat you! And all that. But would you mind waiting just a few minutes? As you can see, I haven’t finished putting on my armor.” The woman tried to fix her breastplate in place, but dropped it. “Oh, sugar plums.”

Sir Gawain decided to help the woman with her armor.

She thanked him profusely.

Once she was fully armored, she took a stance ill-suited to combat and drew her sword. “Now then, Sir Gawain I will defeat you! And in doing so—” Her visor fell closed. She yelped in surprise and dropped her sword. “Oh, honey apples.”

Sir Gawain knew he couldn’t fight this woman. He strode to her and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her close. He flipped up her visor and peered into her sapphire eyes.

“I do not wish to fight you, beautiful maiden. Please, abandon your plight to defeat me and accept my love for you instead,” said Sir Gawain.

“Oh my. That’s so—” A dagger scrapped Sir Gawain’s back, interrupted the woman. “Oh, buttery biscuits. You have armor on your back as well?”

Sir Gawain started seeing the woman often. She continued trying to kill him. She added poison to her baked goods. She tried to stab him in his sleep. She lured him to dangerous wild places. But thanks to Sir Gawain’s astounding instincts, ability, and heroism, he always survived. Also in part due to the woman’s own clumsiness.

After a time, they married. A few years after they were wed, her murder attempts became less frequent. After their second child was born, she stopped her attempts all together. Yes, Sir Gawain was quite happy. Quite happy indeed.

The end.