A Week Without Dying… That’s Progress

After that, I decided to take things a little slower.
No risky missions.
No walking puppies with suspiciously innocent names.
And definitely…
No demon kings.
Not for now.
First, I needed to breathe.
And maybe eat something that didn’t come with emotional trauma as a side dish.

The next few days were…
Boring.
Yeah, like watching a slug try to do push-ups.

Evelyn kept throwing tantrums because she wanted to take on impossible missions that were clearly way out of our league.
As if we were protagonists in an anime where the power of friendship makes you invincible by episode one.
I just sighed like a tired old man.
Where are my broken skills, infinite combos, or at least a talking pet?

Anyway…
While she was doing her celestial tour around the guild’s common room, I found the perfect job to survive.
Well, at least to not starve to death.

It was a job as glorious and dignified as…
Delivery.
Yep. Delivery boy.
Like a medieval fantasy courier with no tips.

I delivered food to old folks who mistook me for their long-dead grandson.
Dropped off materials for a blacksmith who couldn’t lift a horseshoe without hyperventilating.
Carried potions for the apothecary lady who kept winking at me a little too much.

It wasn’t the job of my dreams, but at least it paid 500 argens a day.
Enough to cover rent and food.

Although, of course…
Things would be way easier if my “celestial partner” actually helped instead of spending hours telling epic stories to adventurers while posing like a stained-glass model from heaven.

Tsk… Who does she think she is?
I’m basically her personal servant.
And I’m the one paying for her whims!
I don’t know if this is an isekai or a workplace comedy disguised as an adventure…

While I was walking through the city, sweating like someone trapped inside a portable sauna and hauling freshly forged swords for the kingdom guards, something caught my eye.
Something… unique.
Mystical.
Almost divine.

“No way!” I blurted out, frozen in place like I’d been hit by a level 100 paralysis spell.
What was I seeing, you ask?
Well, brace yourself, because you won’t believe it…

Remember the magnificent wish I made before coming to this world?
Yep.
That’s what I saw.

I lunged at the window of the magic shop like a predator spotting its prey.
Amid shady-looking potions, artifacts that probably exploded on contact, and a jar that was definitely moving on its own…

There it was.
Glowing under a beam of divine light (or maybe just badly aimed sunlight, whatever).

“AN ENERGY DRINK!!!” I screamed with such uncontrollable joy that two old ladies dropped their baskets of vegetables in shock.

I didn’t hesitate for even a second.
I burst into the shop like I was starting an S-rank mission.

“Good morning, young man,” a deep voice greeted me.
I looked up… and came face-to-face with a guy so creepy, my “suspicious NPC” radar immediately went haywire.

Tall, thin, wrapped in a dark hooded robe.
His face was half-covered by a worn scarf, and the only visible parts were two glowing yellow eyes that looked like they’d been stolen from a final boss.

This guy gives me the creeps.
Creeps-level: he probably sells souls at a discount.

“Hello, sir,” I said, trying to mask my discomfort.
“You may call me Alastor,” he replied in a voice so ominous I nearly sprinkled myself with mana potion like holy water.

Okay. Confirmed. This man has sold organs. At the very least.

“Uhm… Alastor… how much is that thing over there?” I asked, pointing at the shelf where the sacred object rested.

“Mmm… You’ve got a good eye, young man. That is a unique and exclusive item. Found it just days ago during one of my expeditions. Very rare. Very powerful.”

With all the suspense in the world, Alastor lifted the can and placed it on the counter like it was a legendary relic.
And I swear by all the gods in Khaelym…

It had an ominous aura.

The can was electric blue.
And when I say electric, I mean it was literally sparking.

On the top, bold letters read:

THUNDER SPEED

The design…
Was suspiciously familiar.
In the center, a muscular man was lifting a lightning bolt in a pose that screamed testosterone.

Wait a second… isn’t that Zeus?

“I’d rather not part with such a rare item…” Alastor muttered, rubbing his hands together like a B-movie villain.
“But for a reasonable price… I might make an exception.”

Oh no… here comes the show.

I swallowed hard.
Nervous.
Impatient.
My hand trembled inside my pocket, clutching the humble pouch that contained the totality of my financial empire:

503 argens.

Yes, that was everything we had left. Why? Very simple.
My lovely partner spent every last miserable argen on parties while I was literally in the afterlife.

But that wasn’t going to stop me.
I was ready to bet it all on this divine energy drink.

“I’ll let you have it for…”

“WILL YOU JUST SPIT IT OUT ALREADY?!” I exploded, my soul nearly escaping through my mouth.
Who does this guy think he is?
I’m the only one allowed to use cheap suspense here!

Alastor didn’t even flinch.
He slowly raised two fingers.

“I’ll give it to you for 10 argens,” he said in the most dramatic voice ever, like he was naming the price of a legendary sword.

…

What is with this guy?

I stared at his covered face, waiting for the punchline…
But no, he was dead serious.

Obviously, I was thrilled.
10 argens! What a steal!

I pulled out the coins like they were gemstones and slammed them onto the counter without hesitation.

But just as I reached for my beloved Thunder Speed…

A bony hand grabbed my arm.

“I know you don’t have much money,” Alastor whispered ominously, so close I could feel his apocalyptic breath in my ear.
“That’s why I gave it to you so cheap…
But if you want to make fast money…
Come see me tonight.”

…

A chill ran down my spine.
My legs activated auto-pilot.
I grabbed the drink, bolted out the door, and didn’t look back.

NO WAY I’M SEEING THAT PSYCHO AT NIGHT!

The creepy offer from Alastor vanished from my mind the moment I stepped outside, because…
I had an energy drink in my hands!
My precious Thunder Speed.
My treasure.
My reason to live.
Well… maybe not that far, but close.

I finished delivering the swords to the royal guards with the efficiency of an employee of the month, and like a kid who just bought their first game with blood, sweat, and blackmail, I headed straight to the guild…

Bouncing with joy.

“I’m back!” I shouted, brimming with happiness.

…

Dead silence.
No one answered.
No glances.
No greetings.

Wow. This really brings back memories. Exactly like coming home from school.

I stopped and looked around the main hall.
All the adventurers were gathered in a circle, whispering like they were witnessing a sacred ceremony.

Curiosity itched worse than a magical flea.
I crept closer, using all my finesse and one of my special skills:
“Crowd navigation level: school at peak hours.”

And, of course…

“Evelyn…” I muttered with a sigh.

There she was.
In the center of everything.
Glowing.
Posing.
Owning the scene like the lead in a reverse harem shoujo anime.

“So I picked rock, and my stupid sister picked scissors,” she was saying, laughing while dramatically flipping her hair.

“Wow!”
“What kind of game is that?”
“What happened next?”
“Is your sister as hot as you?”

…

Okay, where did that last question come from?

Apparently, Evelyn was retelling her glorious victory over Cynthia in an epic rock-paper-scissors duel.
And the adventurers were completely entranced.
Like it was a heroic legend.

I stared. Then stared some more. Then sighed.
And then grabbed her arm and dragged her out of there like she was a sack of fanservice with legs.

“Hey, Ren! What are you doing? Let go!” she whined, flailing around like she always does when the pace isn’t heavenly enough.

“I have to show you something,” I said in a serious tone.
Serious serious. Like “protagonist about to trigger a major plot twist” serious.

Evelyn went quiet.
And then…

“Ohh, Ren? Are you finally ready to do that?” she whispered seductively, biting her lip like we were in an 18+ novel.

“DO WHAT?!” I yelled, face redder than a blushing apple.

I dragged her along while my dignity packed its bags.
Behind us, the adventurers waved goodbye like she was a legendary heroine on a farewell tour.

“Lady Evelyn!”
“Tell us more of your battles someday!”
“Don’t forget uuuus!”

Great.
Now Evelyn has a fan club.
What’s next?
A statue in the central plaza?
A biopic on GuildTV?

Once in the room, Evelyn sat on the bed…
With an expression I didn’t expect.
Embarrassed?

“Ren… don’t be so rough, please…” she said timidly, looking down.

…

“WILL YOU STOP WITH THAT ALREADY?!” I shouted, beet red.
Again.

She smiled.
That mischievous, satisfied smile.
She was enjoying this. Way too much.
She knows I blush easily. She’s using it as a weapon.

“Look,” I said, switching topics before I spontaneously combusted. “I found this at a shop. Some weird guy sold it to me.”

I showed her the can and she raised an eyebrow, intrigued.

“Oh… so your wish did come true after all,” she murmured, examining the drink like it was some holy relic.

“And why are you showing me this? Just drink it already,” she said, tossing the can back at me like it was nothing.

I caught it midair and stared at it.
Thunder Speed.
The can was still sparking. Literally.

“Well… considering the last energy drink I had killed me, I don’t know if drinking this one is such a great idea,” I replied, somewhere between worried and tempted.

The truth is…
I really wanted to try it.

“So what are you going to do?” Evelyn asked casually.

“Well…” I went silent, staring at the can like it might give me the answer.

At that moment, Evelyn jumped up, walked over, and placed her hand over mine, right on top of the can.

“We’ll figure something out,” she said in a voice that was way too gentle.
Warm.
Close.
Suspicious.

When Evelyn talks like that… she’s definitely up to something.

“By the way, Ren,” Evelyn said, stretching her arms. “I accepted a job for tomorrow.”

…I knew it.

“If it’s some mission to slay a legendary dragon or fight a horde of crazed orcs… forget it,” I said before she could respond.

“Nothing like that. It’s a simple task. Pays 3,000 argens.”

…

Simple… and pays 3,000 argens.
That already sounds suspiciously familiar.

I sighed, defeated.
“What’s the job?”

“There’s a village with a scorpion infestation. We just have to go there and kill them.”

I paused to think.
Okay…
Scorpions.
They’re small, they’ve got pincers, they sting… but it’s not that bad.
With caution and good boots, I could stomp them into monster jam.

“Sounds good,” I said, a bit more confident.

Evelyn turned and gave me a bright smile.
Looks like she enjoys being praised when she does something right…
Deep down… she’s adorable. In her weird demonic way.

“Then let’s go to sleep. Tomorrow we’ll finish off those scorpions,” she said cheerfully, heading to the bed.

All normal.
All peaceful.

Until the usual moment came.
The nightly ritual.
The unwritten tradition.

“Ren… will you sleep with me?”

…

“NO WAY!!!”