Chapter 11:

The Day I Almost Died Because of an Elf

Welcome to My Isekai Life: With Boobs, Trauma, and Zero Dignity


The name of the village was Brisland.
The place was… rustic.
Stone houses with hand-carved wooden beams, reddish rooftops covered in ivy, and people who smelled like the countryside, freshly baked bread, and livestock-related trauma.

Right at the entrance, we were greeted by a massive man, muscular, with dirty work clothes and a lumberjack’s axe that looked like it had cut down half a mountain range.

“Ohh, adventurers! You’ve finally arrived!” he greeted us cheerfully, arms wide open.

“Hey, what’s up,” I replied lazily, raising a hand.

The man let out a deep laugh that made a couple of nearby chickens tremble.

“Hohoho~ What a strange way to say hello, young man.”

Evelyn stepped forward.
Her gaze was firm.
Her legs long.
Her cleavage... dangerous.

“Where are the scorpions?” she asked in a tone so serious it could’ve scared off the scorpions themselves.

The lumberjack gulped. Literally.
He went from friendly host to someone who had just seen his mother-in-law in a bikini.

Right...
Evelyn was still a demon.
Sexy, yes. But still a demon.
And in this kingdom, people had the healthy habit of freaking out when they saw one.

“Relax, relax,” I cut in with a nervous laugh and raised hands. “We’re from the Norwenthia guild. They authorized us to take care of the mission.”

The man hesitated for a few seconds.
“Well… if the guild sent you… I guess it’s fine.”

He didn’t sound very convinced.
Or very calm.
Or very sane.
But he let us through.

We walked through the village as curious eyes followed us from windows and vegetable patches.
The place was simple but cozy.
The houses lined dirt roads, with makeshift gardens and clothes hanging under the sun.
People here farmed, milked animals, chopped wood… and apparently, had a problem with XXL-sized critters.

We stopped in front of a sturdy house, with stone steps and a door that creaked from sheer rural experience.

“This is my home,” said the big guy. “Come in, I’ll get you some tea.”

We entered the lumberjack’s house and were immediately wrapped in the scent of wood, fresh tea… and years of accumulated dust.

Then we heard a soft voice from another room:
“Father…? You’re back already?”

“Yes, and I brought guests,” he answered, with that gentle tone only giant dads seem to have.

Footsteps approached—delicate, almost weightless.
And then, she appeared.

“Hello, welcome,” said the girl with a small bow.
...
I didn’t respond.
Couldn’t.
Not because I didn’t want to.
But because my soul had just been KO’d.

Standing before me was an elf.
Not just any elf.
Not some background NPC with two lines.
One of those that breaks the visual waifu scale of the universe.

Golden eyes.
And I mean actual gold.
Not “light brown with honey undertones”…
GOLD. Like she had sun particles dancing in her pupils.

Green hair.
But emerald green.
Long, silky, tied in a half-updo with tiny braids that swayed like the breeze had signed a modeling contract.

And that wasn’t even the best part…

No… it couldn’t be…

My breath turned into a gasping project.
My brain, a hormonal mess on legs.

“You okay, Ren?” whispered Evelyn next to me with a half-smile.

I didn’t answer.
Because in that moment, I could only think of one thing:

How can someone be this beautiful?

And then...
The scan began.

I activated my hidden power.
Yes, that one.
My most dangerous ability, banned by decency laws and three magical conventions.

According to my degenerate protagonist ocular analysis… we’ve got a D-cup. Confirmed. D for Dear God.

She noticed.
Blushed all the way to her pointy ears and looked away awkwardly.

“A-Ah…!” she stammered.

But it was too late.
The scan was complete.
My face twisted for a second like I was having an emotional possession.
Nothing unusual.
For me, that’s just Monday.

“Nymeris, could you prepare some tea for our guests? I’ll go get changed.”

“Y-Yes… right away!”

The poor elf nodded quickly, gave a clumsy bow, and rushed into the kitchen with so much shame that her braid came undone from the shock.

The big guy gave us a friendly smile.
“Please, have a seat. I’ll be right back and explain the mission.”

We sat down on one of those sturdy wooden chairs that look like they were built by dwarves with trust issues.
Evelyn crossed her legs elegantly.
I tried to look dignified.

A few minutes passed…
Then Nymeris returned.

Her steps were shaky, her face still flushed, holding two steaming cups of tea.
It was adorable.
A sexy, shy, clumsy elf… dangerously close to my vital region with a 300-degree liquid.

She served Evelyn first, hands trembling.
All good.
All elegant.

Then…

My turn.

She approached carefully…
Trembled slightly…
And then—

“AHHHHHHHHH!” I screamed as the tea EXPLODED ON MY PANTS.

I fell off the chair like I’d just been hit by a fire spell to the crotch.
Rolled on the floor.
Eyes teary.
Dignity in a coma.

“IT BURNS! IT BUUURNS! WATER, ICE, A HOLY BLESSING!” I screamed like a champion without armor.

Nymeris jumped back in horror.

“S-sorry! I’m so sorry! Forgive me!” she blurted out, bowing repeatedly like a panicked bird.

Evelyn, meanwhile…
Was dying.
From laughter.

She banged the table like she was at a comedy tavern show.
Pointed at me mercilessly.
Choked on her demonic giggles.

“LOOK, REN! IT LOOKS LIKE YOU PEED YOURSELF!” she cackled, pointing at the huge, steaming stain on my pants.

I, as the noble protagonist that I am—and not the victim of a testicular terrorist attack—stood up with a serious expression.
Stoic.
Dignified.

“I’m fine,” I said in a deep voice, a single tear sliding down my cheek.

Nymeris ran to the kitchen.
“I-I’ll get something to clean you up!”

I just stood there, staring into the distance like I was seeking answers from the gods.
Why does this always happen to me…?

Minutes later, while I was still mentally collecting the shattered pieces of my pride, Nymeris returned.
And she returned fast.
With a towel.
And zero coordination.

“Here!” she yelled, way too excited for someone holding a potential textile weapon.

Then she tripped.
On the rug.
On fate.
On her own existence.

And she flew toward me like an elven arrow of chaos.

The last thing I saw was her head approaching me.
Where do you think it hit me? Yep. Right there. The royal family jewels.

There was no scream.
No reaction.
Just… silence.

My eyes rolled back.
My body dropped.
My soul disconnected from the server.

“I’M SOOOORRYYY!!!” Nymeris screamed, horrified, crawling over to see if I was still breathing.

Evelyn, meanwhile…
Was already gone.
Laughing herself into another dimension.

She hugged the back of the chair like it was the only thing keeping her from imploding.
She banged the floor.
She wheezed.
She had tears.
And every time she tried to stop, she’d look at me again and burst out laughing all over.

My soul hovered above me.
Don’t worry, I wasn’t dead. It’s a metaphor.
Though if this happened one more time… maybe not.

After some cold compresses, awkward silence, and lots of stammered apologies, the man of the house returned.
Now in clean clothes.
Literally the same outfit, just without epic sawdust and dirt stains.

“Alright, alright!” he said cheerfully, as if I hadn’t just lost my fertility. “I see you’re getting along with Nymeris.”

If only he knew his daughter nearly murdered me twice in ten minutes…

“Wonderfully!” I replied in a voice that wasn’t mine, smiling like a puppet that had accepted its fate.

“Let me introduce myself,” said the big man in a kind yet deep voice. “I’m Arnold, the village chief… and this here is Nymeris. As you might’ve noticed… she’s an elf.”

Oh really? I hadn’t noticed. She only scalded my pants, smashed my precious heirlooms with a headbutt, and stole my soul with a shy smile. Nothing out of the ordinary.

“How did an elf end up living with you?” I asked, genuinely curious for once.

Arnold looked at Nymeris, and she looked back at him.
Then she lowered her gaze sweetly.

“Arnold found me when I was just a baby. I was alone in the forest.
He took me in, cared for me… raised me like his own daughter.”

She said it softly.
Sincerely. Gratefully.

Nymeris’ expression glowed with a warmth I hadn’t seen in her until now.

“Bah, wasn’t gonna leave you lying there,” Arnold huffed, smiling as he patted her head with a hand the size of an anvil.

Nymeris let herself be pampered quietly. She just closed her eyes for a second.
And that small gesture was so cute it made my chest ache a little.

“And you two? What are your names?” Arnold asked, looking at us with genuine curiosity.

I straightened up in my chair like I could actually pass for a civilized person.

“I’m Kurosawa. Ren Kurosawa.
And this is… Evelyn.”

Arnold raised a brow, a mischievous grin on his face.

“I see, I see. Nice to meet you, Ren and Evelyn. You two make quite an… interesting couple.”

“WHAT!? N-No no no, it’s not what it looks like!” I flailed my hands like I was swatting away a swarm of horny bees.

Why does everyone assume that!?
Although… to be fair, I would too. What am I doing next to this she-devil in a tight top and sinful gaze?

“Alright, let’s get to the point,” Arnold said, suddenly serious.
“We’re in scorpion season.”

The room fell silent.

“Once a year, they come down from the hills. They’re tough and poisonous.
They ruin the crops, sting the livestock, make working the land impossible.
That’s why we sent the request to the guild.”

Then he did something unexpected:
He knelt down.
Pressed his hands together in a pleading gesture.

“Please… we’re counting on you. We need your help.”

Evelyn immediately stood, hands on her hips, smiling confidently in full hero pose.

“That’s exactly why we came.
Right, Ren?”

I stood too.
Not out of reflex.
But out of pride.
To protect good people.
To fulfill my duty as an adventurer.
...
And because Nymeris was watching.

“That’s right,” I said, with my best legendary heartthrob face.
A calculated, seductive, devastating expression.
Level: “This is my romantic arc, get ready.”

Nymeris blushed like a magical fruit at peak ripeness.
She covered her face with both hands like she could vanish on the spot.

So shy… so cute.

“Thank you so much,” said Arnold, smiling at the sight.
“Nymeris will accompany you. She’s very skilled with magic.”

“Eh…? I-I…” the elf stammered, clearly on the verge of a magical anxiety attack.

She didn’t deny it.
Didn’t argue.
She just stood, lowered her head, and followed us.

As we walked through the village, passing loose chickens and farmers who greeted us with mixed distrust and curiosity, I grew curious.

“Hey, Nymeris.”

“Y-Yes…?” she replied quickly, almost on instinct.

“What kind of magic do you use? Can you blow up entire cities?
Or do you have one of those spells that drains you completely and I have to carry you in my arms while you sigh and look at me tenderly?”


That’d be amazing, wouldn’t it? Heh.

Nymeris blinked a few times.
Then lowered her gaze, nervously wrung her hands, and answered:

“N-no… not that kind of magic, Mister Ren.
My magic is nature-based.
I can do a few things… but not much… sorry.”

...

Mister Ren…? Seriously…?
And another dream crushed from my imaginary list. Right under “gorgeous elf begs me for protection with teary eyes.”

Evelyn stepped in with a sly smile and draped an arm over Nymeris’ shoulders.

“So, can you summon killer trees to fight for us? Or roots that strangle things to the rhythm of the wind?”

“Ahhh! Miss Evelyn… n-no, it’s not that kind of magic.
Mine is more… supportive.
I can grow plants, synthesize medicines, detect poisons…”

“Heal broken hearts?” I interrupted, winking.

Nymeris blushed so hard the sun nearly dimmed.
“N-no! Well… maybe… in a figurative sense…”

We exited the village through the western path and followed a narrow trail flanked by shrubs.
The air smelled of dry earth and direct sun.
There weren’t many animals.
Everything was… too quiet.

Then Nymeris suddenly stopped.

“This is the place,” she said, pointing at a clearing among uncultivated fields.

The wind blew strongly.
No trees.
Just cracked earth, low grass… and an awkward silence.

Evelyn squinted at the place.
“Hmm...? And the scorpions?” she asked, sounding disappointed.
“This looks more like a picnic than an ambush.”

Suddenly…
The ground began to tremble beneath our feet.

Not a soft tremor.
Not “strong wind.”
No.

Tremble.
Like something huge was coming from underneath.

“They’re coming…” Nymeris whispered almost tragically.

Excuse me…? What kind of scorpions make the ground shake like drunk golems?

And then—

SHHHHHK!

The scorpions burst out!
Not one.
Hundreds.

Small, furious, screeching with sounds they shouldn’t make since they lack vocal cords, but fear makes it possible.

“Bah! This is easy money!” I shouted as I joyfully launched into the most satisfying task of my life:
Stomping them.

One after another.
CRACK! CRUNCH! PLOP!

It was like a carnival game, but with real bugs and instant gratification.

Next to me, Evelyn looked like she was dancing.
But not just any dance.
A demonic, sensual, deadly choreography.

She stomped with rhythm, swayed her hips, kicked with flair.
It looked like she had background music playing just for exterminating bugs.

Nymeris watched us from a distance, panic softly painted on her face.

“I-I’ll heal you if you get stung!” she shouted from afar, raising her hands like her worry could protect us.

“Don’t worry! This is a breeze!” I shouted back, squashing ten more scorpions like juicy exploding grapes.

Finally…
A job that’s easy, well-paid, and without fine print hiding in the back of the contract.

Ramen-sensei
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ByVicxs
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