Eldritch Space Hunter Five: IV - We're All Mad Here

The next morning, Kenichi woke up naturally. His body still ached. Most of it was from his certification the previous day, but as he looked at himself in the mirror, he wondered how much of his pain was from his past lives. Did he still have lasting damage from falling in the magma? From getting hit by the bookmobile? He touched the side of his head where Marumi had struck him with the bucket. “You died,” the voice of Bunny echoed through his head. “You died. You died. You died.”

He shook his head, then cleaned himself up.

Elana was no longer outside his room, but one of her “therapy puppets” had been left behind. It lay like a ragdoll in the corner, abandoned probably when her Aegis stopped smoking her brain like a brisket. He flipped the puppet around in his hands. It was a woman. She had hair that went from orange to blonde to pink, like a sunrise.

He carried the puppet along with him, planning on returning it to Elana when he next saw her. He wandered the hallways, trying to get his bearings on this strange space station. The station generated artificial gravity by using rotational motion. In effect, you were always effectively falling out away from the hub of the station, but since there was a floor underneath you at all times, you were safe from flying out into deep space. However, due to this, the floors were curved. No matter where you were going, it looked like you were headed uphill, the hallway disappearing into a horizon formed by the ceiling. Ladders and lifts let you go from floor to floor, but most of the day-to-day stuff happened on the outer ring of the station, as the closer you got to the hub, the less gravity there was.

He didn't find Elana, but he did find Riku. The Space Hunter was in a sort of gymnasium. He wore only his red pants and a matching bandanna and was doing martial arts sparring with some hover-drones.

Kenichi entered and quietly watched him spar. When he fought the hover-drones, he did so in a way that made it seem like nothing else in the universe existed for him. He put his whole self into the task, not worrying about whether or not he had left the water running in the bathroom or if he had remembered to put on deodorant. His eyes, though surrounded by dark circles, were sharp and focused as he kicked, punched, or otherwise struck a nearby drone.

When he was done and all the drones lay prone on the floor is when he finally noticed Kenichi. “Morning,” he said, his voice gruff.

“You're an excellent fighter,” Kenichi said. “What style do you use?”

Riku grabbed a metal bottle and plopped himself down into a squishy chair. He took a long drink before answering Kenichi's question. “It's something I developed on my own.”

Kenichi smiled and took the seat across from him. “I'd like if you could teach it to me sometime,” he said. He held the puppet on his lap.

Riku's eyes went to the puppet. He frowned. “Get that thing out of my site,” he said.

Kenichi looked down at the puppet he was holding. “This?” he said.

“Yes, that,” Riku said. His nostrils were flaring. “Did Achlys put you up to this?”

“Put me up to what?” said Kenichi.

“Don't play stupid with me, Seltzer.”

“I'm not playing stupid,” said Kenichi.

Riku stood, sending his chair toppling backwards. “Then I guess you're just dumb,” he said. He grabbed Kenichi and the puppet and tossed them both out through the door. Kenichi landed on the floor, which, now that he was noticing it, had lots of debris in the carpet.

He pushed himself up and scooped the puppet off the floor. “What got into him?” he asked the puppet. Expecting no response and receiving exactly what he had expected, he shrugged before meandering his way to Hasenrausch. There, Marumi stood behind the bar, cleaning a glass. He plopped down at the bar, next to an unconscious Bunny surrounded by an array of mostly empty glasses.

“Is everybody here crazy?” he said, setting the puppet down on the open stool opposite Bunny.

Marumi set down the glass. “Probably. You almost have to be to work here,” she said. “What would you like to drink?”

Kenichi leaned back. “I'm really not much of a drinker,” he said.

Marumi smiled. “I think I have something you might like,” she said. She took the empty glass from the bartop, and after spinning around and performing some unseen bartender magic, she set a beverage down in front of Kenichi. It contained clear, bubbly liquid, and had a lone olive stuck on a little sword skewer. The pimento in the olive made it look almost like a tired eye. “I call it the Kenichi,” she said. “Try it.”

He picked up the drink and was about to give it a sniff.

“Just drink it, no sniffing or sipping or anything,” she said. Then she smiled. “Or do you not trust me?”

Kenichi looked from the glass to the sleeping Bunny to Marumi. “Of all the people here,” he said, “I probably trust you the most.” He tipped the glass toward his mouth and took a large drink. The bubbles tingled, but ultimately the drink didn't have much of a taste. He quickly drained it, then ate the olive. “It wasn't so bad,” he said. “What was in it?”

Marumi winked. “Just seltzer,” she said.

Kenichi laughed. Then his stomach rumbled. “Do you by any chance serve food here?” he asked. “Other than nuts and olives?”

Marumi looked over to C4N, who was busy repairing some console in the corner. “To be honest,” she said, “ever since you gave me that robot, I've had all sorts of free time. He cleans, he fixes things, and he even tosses out the occasional drunkard so I don't have to, so I've had plenty of time to work on my cooking. Hold on.” She stepped back into the kitchen, and then emerged a moment later with a covered bowl. “I've got a new dish I want to try out on you. Tell me what you think, and be honest.”

She uncovered the bowl. Kenichi raised his eyebrows at what he saw. It was a meatball with noodles baked into it floating in a sea of broth. A bayleaf floated around the broth like a capsized ship, and some star-shaped spices bobbed on the surface.

“It's supposed to look like Asuroth,” she said, pointing to the meatball. “I figure if we can make him so nonthreatening that we literally can eat him, that will boost morale. Right?”

Kenichi poked at the meatball with a fork. “So, it's a tentacle planet?” he said.

“Yeah,” she said. “Well, not really. It's more like spaghetti and meatball soup, but you get the idea.”

Kenichi pulled off a hunk of the meat with the fork. He dipped it in the broth a few times before popping the noodly meat piece into his mouth. The idea of eating something meant to look like an eldritch space abomination gave him a moment of hesitation, but once the taste hit his tongue, the savory meat with a hint of tomato, the noodles infused with basal, the spicy and salty broth with a hint of anise, Kenichi couldn't stop eating it. “It's good,” he said, his mouth full.

“You think so?” Marumi said.

“Once you get over the initial presentation,” he said. “I don't think I'll ever have spaghetti and meatballs the normal way again.” He used a spoon to finish off the broth.

“Thanks, Kenichi,” she said. “I'll make it tonight's special, and we'll see how everybody else likes it.”

“I'm sure they'll love it,” he said.

Two figures stormed in. “I don't care,” said the first. “We're not all the same!”

Kenichi looked over. An angry Maka was being followed by a confused Hollis.

“How am I supposed to know?” said Hollis. “It's not like your species is well documented.”

Maka sat down in a chair, facing away from Hollis, her arms crossed and her face angry. “Don't talk to me,” she said.

Kenichi pushed himself off the stool and walked over to Hollis. “What's the matter?” he asked.

Hollis shrugged. “We met the new admiral. And I asked Maka a question that made her angry.”

“What was the question?” Kenichi said.

“The new admiral is a Felixian,” Maka said, still facing away from Hollis. “And jerkface over here asked if Felixians and Nekoids are related.”

Hollis opened his mouth to say something, but Kenichi indicated that he shouldn't say anything. Kenichi stepped around to the other side of Maka and sat opposite her. “And of course, they are nothing alike, correct?”

She nodded.

“Since I'm not from around here, could you help me understand why that upset you? I'm afraid that I don't understand the complexities of inter-species dynamics as well as everybody else does,” he said.

“Or should,” Maka said, indicating Hollis with the quick flick of her ears. She uncrossed her arms. “Felixians are a naturally evolved species that strongly resembles cats. Instead of having humanlike faces, though, they have catlike faces, and fur all over their bodies, while Nekoids, being genetically engineered, look more like humans with cat features. Nekoids and Felixians have less in common, genetically speaking, than humans do with chimpanzees.” She leaned forward and whispered loud enough for Hollis to hear her: “But I think some humans might even be closer than 99%.”

“Hey,” Hollis said.

Kenichi raised a hand to signal Hollis to calm down. “I see,” he said. “Thank you for enlightening me. I'm sure that I would feel terrible if I had made such a simple mistake.” He looked at Hollis. “I'm sure glad that I didn't, otherwise, I'd be apologizing profusely.”

Hollis sighed. He stepped over between Kenichi and Maka and knelt down. “Clawbyte,” he said. “I'm sorry for making a dumb mistake. I should have thought about it. You're right, that was wrong, and I shouldn't have asked such a stupid question. I don't see any similarities between you and Admiral Katje.”

Maka's posture softened. “Really?” she said. She flicked her ears playfully.

“Well, maybe the ears and tail, but that's about it,” he said. “But given the two, I much prefer the company of Nekoids.”

She smiled. “And I don't mind half-chimpanzee human blockheads like yourself,” she said.

“High-five?” he said, holding his hand up a little.

She nodded, giving him a high-five.

Kenichi quietly got up and returned to the bar. Bunny was still asleep.

“That was sweet,” Marumi said.

“I couldn't stand seeing Jackal high and dry like that,” Kenichi said.

C4N stepped up to the bar. “I've fixed the console, the dispenser, the remote control, and the register,” he said.

Marumi looked at him, eyebrows askew. “We don't have a television,” she said.

C4N looked at the device in his hand. “Oh?” he said. “Well, I fixed it anyway.” He set the thing down on the bar next to Bunny. Kenichi caught the glimpse of a symbol that looked like a wrapped piece of candy with bunny ears.

“Oh,” Marumi said, looking at Kenichi. “Admiral Katje would like to meet you. He sent a message while you were helping those two out.”