Feng Yu’s Confession

At the palace, everyone is ushered into separate quarters and the physician visits each of us in turn. Feng Yu has shifted back into his human form while still unconscious, sometime in the middle of the transport. Liu Renqing said it’s a good sign, but since he isn’t waking up, I’m still hesitant. Zhu Chun takes over the duty of informing the queen about the status of our mission. It was indeed white fox magic in the cave. The talismans and the way the formation was set up pointed explicitly to them.

My own injuries are minimal. A few scratches and a small burn on my hand, which are already fading. Even the fatigue is almost gone after just one night of sleep in a very soft bed and some delicious food. There are more of Murong Zhiyu’s favourite fruits waiting for me in the morning and I eat them while thinking about my next steps. I briefly contemplate talking to Gui, but he would probably just annoy me. Since he leaves everything to me, he wouldn’t even help, even though it’s his job! I’m doing all of his work! He better compensate me well for all this trouble. And he better compensate Murong Zhiyu as well. She could’ve actively worked against me, but she is gracious enough to trust me with her body even though I am a total amateur. She must love her city very much to go to such lengths to save it.

After the physician visits me again and allows me to get up, I let the attendants lead me to Feng Yu’s room. Liu Renqing is already there, sitting on a nearby chair, brooding. As I enter the room, he jumps up to welcome me, checking me for injuries. There’s something magical about how his face transforms when he is confronted with Murong Zhiyu. He really must love her deeply.

“How are you?” he asks, holding my hand, which I allow for now.

“Worried.”

“Mhm.”

Liu Renqing looks at Feng Yu, still asleep.

“Not only because of him. The white foxes, the explosives, the elaborate plans to attack Xiyang from all sides. Something big is coming, I can feel it,” I say. It feels good to finally say it out loud. I knew from the start that something was coming, but I didn’t know how to break it to them so that they would believe me. Now they know and they do, and people more versed in this world and in this time’s warfare have taken up the task of formulating a plan to defend the city.

“I heard that my mother has come to the palace this morning, as has Feng-laoban and Sect Leader Dai. They’ve been secluded in discussion for some hours now.”

“Then there’s hope. They are all so experienced, they should know what to do.”

Liu Renqing nods. “We’ve done our part.”

So is this it? Is this what I’ve come here to do? Is this friendship already enough to save the city? I can’t remember the most powerful women of Xiyang coming together like this in the drama. Have I influenced their movements enough to change history? I can only hope, since I’ve run out of options myself. I’m tired. I will wait for them to decide and do what they tell me. I’ve never wanted to be in this situation in the first place.

“How is he?”

“He seems fine. His pulse is stable and there are no traces of the curse left. You’ve really outdone yourself yesterday. We’ll just have to wait for him to wake up.”

“I’m going to fetch someone, just to be sure.”

“Alright, I’ll stay and watch.”

“Thank you.”

Liu Renqing squeezes my hand and kisses my forehead.

“No, thank you.”

I turn to leave and walk towards the door. Hopefully—

“A-Yu…” I hear Liu Renqing say quietly, just as I’m about to leave the room.

The urge to return to the bedroom is immeasurable, yet Liu Renqing’s soft voice tells me it would be disastrous to interrupt them now. I muster all the cultivation I learned to control, and stealthily move behind one of the decorative cloth banners next to the doorway into the bedroom. I don’t feel particularly proud about how excited I am, since I am technically eavesdropping, but I tell myself again and again that this is my mission and their relationship is vital to the future of this world. Yes. That’s definitely it. Not because I want to witness every bit of shipping right in front of me.

Still… he calls him A-Yu?? What is happening???

“Qing-ge… what…”

Feng Yu’s voice is strained and rough. He coughs a few times and I can hear fabric rustling as he moves, most likely to sit up. He accepts the offered water and takes a few sips.

“What happened?” he asks.

“Shimei treated your injuries in the cave, but drawing the curse out took a lot of energy and a great toll on your body. You fell unconscious, so we brought you back to the palace.”

“What about Murong-xiaojie?”

“She’s just stepped out to get the physician.”

“So she’s fine. Thank the heavens.”

“Some of the guards didn’t fare as well. The princess could only save three of them after forcing the enemy to retreat. The formation is destroyed. You did a good job, even though your method was… questionable.”

“So our mission wasn’t a total failure.”

There’s silence between them, and since I can’t see, I don’t know what they’re looking at. It stretches into an awkward pause, and I bunch up the fabric of my sleeves in an effort to keep quiet.

“I better see where she went and—”

“Wait,” Feng Yu says and there’s noises of movement.

Liu Renqing’s steps are heavy as he’s stopped.

“Wait,” Feng Yu says again, more quietly. “I… I owe you an apology. For a lot of things. Please at least listen to me to the end. What you want to do afterwards is all up to you.”

I can just about imagine Liu Renqing’s confused face, but also the frown and the rigid posture he adopts when listening intently. He must give some affirmative sign, since Feng Yu continues talking.

“I’ve loved you for a long time.”

It’s my luck that Liu Renqing makes a loud noise of surprise in the same moment as I gasp, clapping my hands over my mouth in an effort to not reveal myself in this crucial moment. He… Feng Yu is actually already in love with Liu Renqing?? But—

“I see you look confused. I don’t blame you. I’ve loved you for years, but I was content to be your close friend. I didn’t know how much you had already fallen for Murong Zhiyu at that point, but when I saw your face during the tournament, I knew I had no chance against her.”

“But you… her…”

“I’ve thought for the longest time that I made a terrible mistake. I thought… I… if I would pursue Murong Zhiyu instead, she would at least not choose you. I wanted to make it harder for her to choose you because I didn’t want to lose you to her. In my single minded purpose I made many bad decisions.”

“So you don’t love her?”

“Not at first,” Feng Yu admits. “I’ve grown to love her over these years. But I’m tired of seeing you unhappy. I only thought about myself and I won’t stand in your way anymore. I never wanted for you to be sad. If you want to be with Murong-xiaojie, you have my blessing.”

“You—!!” Liu Renqing starts… yet doesn’t finish his sentence.

He runs out of the room so suddenly, I can’t even draw my head back behind the cloth banner, but I don’t have to bother. Liu Renqing storms out, not looking back.

Well, fuck.

I want to go to Feng Yu immediately, but I wait a few minutes to make it not as obvious that I listened in on them. With quiet steps I go to the door and then walk in normally. When I turn the corner, Feng Yu sits upright on the bed, looking at his hands.

“Feng Yu! You’re awake!” I say and he looks up at me. His eyes are full of tears. “What happened? Does it still hurt? I did my best to—”

Feng Yu holds up his hand and shakes his head. “I’m fine. Exhausted, but fine. It’s not that. It seems I’m incapable of making good decisions.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You’re not very good at lying. I knew you were hiding, but I wanted you to hear it too. You don’t have to pretend.”