Memories II

Iwao and Celi looked each other right in the eyes. No words were spoken. Iwao was helpless by Celi’s revelation. His face showed the shock he had taken head-on.

“But how did you know that, Celi?” Iwao asked quickly, a sign that he was disturbed.

“It’s a bit complicated to really explain how I knew, but I’ll be simple.”

She put her hands right in front of her, and with a serious face, she cast a white flame on her right hand and a red flame on the other.

“Now, Iwao, let me reveal something to you. All the different categories of being on this planet are surrounded by a specific color of their essence. It’s the result of Firia, which navigates around and through them. Humans have a white essence, animals a blue one, and monsters a red one.”

“So, if I’m not mistaken, my essence is supposed to be red, but it’s not the case, right?” Iwao asked calmly after sitting down on the ground to listen to Celi’s explanations.

If he wanted to understand everything and not be lost by all he was learning at once, along with the whirlwind of emotions running through him, he had to suppress all harmful feelings. 

Celi looked at him intensely, trying to understand why Iwao reacted so strangely from time to time. She was sweating a lot, as the flames were producing considerable heat. 

She quickly resumed speaking so she could shut down her spell rapidly.

“It’s quite like that, but you’re an exception. You have a predominantly red essence – let’s say at sixty percent – so you are mostly a monster. But it’s mixed with forty percent of a human’s white essence.”

“Sixty percent… forty percent… monster… human…” Iwao whispered these words repeatedly for a few second, as an idea began to germinate in his mind.

As Celi finished speaking, she linked her hands to combine the flames. The fire grew bigger.

“Look, Iwao. These flames represent your essence. The white part is inside the red one, but it tries to escape to be its own essence. However, as you can see, the red flame tries to take over the white one – that’s what your essence looks like right now.”

“You mean that every minute, the creature that I am is trying to take all the humanity that I have left inside? So my thoughts were right. I just have to invert the process. And what can I do to avoid this?”

Celi extinguished the flames and sat down in front of Iwao.

“I don’t know, but that’s why I followed you. You are in a special situation, you seem to need help, and with your reactions I can tell that you’re interested in returning to a human form – because you weren’t a monster before. You’re strong, I’m smart. Together, let’s work hand in hand to reach our goals.”

“I have to consider what you are proposing. But first, tell me, what did you saw while you were following me? Not that I’m ashamed of anything, but I don’t want things to be misinterpreted. I’m trying to be a good and honest man.”

“I can tell you some things, but after that it will be your turn. I wasn’t following you everyday – don’t misunderstand, I had missions to do as an adventurer. But for me it was easy to find you after the first time. Promise me you will tell me what happened during all this time, I want your point of view. You seem to have changed a lot in two years, and for a normal person, it would be quite impressive to change so much in so little time.”

“That’s fine with me. I have nothing to lose by telling you, even if you don’t believe the things I will tell. But I won’t tell you everything. You don’t have my entire trust yet, even if I have to admit that I’m starting to think we could get along well, Celi.”

“Great, I’ll start then.”

Iwao strained his ears to listen to the external narrative of his own life. 

Celi wiped her sweaty forehead with her sleeve. She then retied her ponytail while Iwao was waiting, impatient to know. She seemed to be searching through her memories, as some events dated back two years.

“I'll just stick to the main points. It's up to him to tell me the more significant events. I will not appropriate the tragic events he may have experienced without understanding what he felt. I would only reopen wounds and hurting him like that. I would be the monster if I did.” Celi thought seriously about the consequences of her words, stirring her mind to the point of a migraine.

Neither of them noticed that the viscous barrier could let sounds through and that anyone that would be outside could see them. The interference with the spell – produced by Celi's emotions from earlier – meant that even though she had calmed down, the spell continued to crumble little by little.

“To make it short, I never saw you eat, but you always seemed to have your belly full. I also saw you enter camps of adventurers, hunters, or people traveling from town to town. But you never once stole anything. I was curious. You never seemed to cause any harm. You just went into these camps, and the rest of the time you went into forests or ruins to train your powers. Every time I was there to watch, you seemed to learn new spells. I was captivated by that. You seemed proud of your progress. You didn’t have the reactions of someone evil. I knew you were a good person.” Celi said, pausing from time to time to choose her words and recall the scenes.

“You don’t tell me much. Anything else?” Iwao replied, a little irritated, as he had set his expectations high but was given little in return.

Celi laughed as she remembered the most important thing. She didn’t know how she could have forgotten to mention it.

“Sorry, sorry. Two years is a lot to remember. I mean… what surprised me the most was when you disappeared without a trace. No impurities in Firia or sign of where you could have gone. You just vanished sometimes when you were in front of animals or other humans in camps. Then, a few minutes later, you would come back like nothing happened. You seemed deep in thought when you returned, but… with animals, you would go to sleep. With humans, you would spend the night contemplating the moon, as if you were searching for something far away, out of this world. That’s mainly all I can remember about the things I saw of you.”

Celi showed a bright smile to Iwao, as if to indicate it was his turn to open his heart and tell her about his life. Iwao was concerned. He sorted in his mind the things to say from those to keep to himself.

“I won't dwell on the subject either. But I think I can tell you certain things, as you already did with me by telling the story of your father.”

Iwao took a deep breath. Celi yawned. It was already late but after this they could sleep.

“I can see the nightmares of animals and humans. Or rather I can enter them. That’s why you often saw me disappear. I eat their nightmares to feed myself and to relieve them of their pain. I want to protect them from the same harm I suffered. But once I eat their nightmares, I also recover a part of their memories and feelings. At first, when my power was still weak, it was just about food or sweet family moments they had. A thing I lost many years ago. But as I ate nightmares over and over again, I recovered more of their memories and feelings. I saw things that broke me. Wars, famines, slavery, rapes… It was as if I relived everything they suffered.”

Iwao was looking at the ground, his eyes wide-open, a small laugh escaping his mouth as he remembered the pain and tried to hide it. He seemed to act tough, but inside he was not completely healed. He didn’t look up, not wanting his gaze to meet Celi’s.

“My spirit was damaged. I couldn’t bear it. How was I supposed to carry the suffering of so many people? Why is this world so infamous? My mind was sometimes so overloaded with negativity that I fell into a sort of coma, or rather, my body automatically suppressed certain emotions to let me pull myself together. But that was not enough. I tortured myself, suffocating in all this pain. Sometimes, I had existential crisis where I clutched my chest, rolled on the ground, and cried as it was unbearable. I harmed myself to distract my spirit from this suffering.”

“But how did you keep going?” Celi asked in a sweet voice, so as not to upset Iwao.

“You mentioned earlier the places I was going, right? Well, everywhere I went, whenever I saw the relaxed faces of people freed from their nightmares, I couldn’t help but want to keep being the one who brought them a good night’s sleep and an escape from suffering. This was mainly because it reminded me of my father's satisfied look when I achieved something. In my previous life, those were my only moments of happiness. So it was the same here… But I made mistakes too.”

“Mistakes? Weren’t you invisible whenever you were with humans? How is that possible?”

Iwao clasped his long, hairy-fingered hands in front of him and squeezed them tightly, showing that he was about to speak of something unpleasant.

“I made two important mistakes. The first one was that one day I accidentally cut off my invisibility spell while in a hunters’ camp. They saw me, feared me, and chased me while casting all sorts of spells. I thought I would be hurt, but they quickly gave up. I was out of trouble. I promised myself that day to be more careful. The second one, I will regret it for all my life and I don’t want this to happen again. One day, I entered the nightmare of a boy about ten years old. His nightmare wasn’t terrible, and I thought it would be no problem. But what I didn’t know was that the boy had a fragile heart. When he saw me in his nightmare, his heart started beating faster and faster until I was ejected. It was the first time that has ever happened to me. I looked at the boy. He’d had made a heart attack. I never forgave myself for that. I just wanted to help him, but because of me, he almost died.”

Iwao looked up at Celi’s face. She was smiling comfortingly, as if to show she was here for him and that he didn’t need to worry about what he was saying. He then looked up to the top of the viscous barrier.

“Now, it’s all in the past, but I keep all that happened in my heart. The promises I made to myself changed me, and if I had to find any advantage in this appearance I have, it is the confidence boost it gives me. It’s helped me get through a lot. I’m now prepared to face the challenges in my way. I’m a better version of myself now, and I won’t do the same mistakes. I will always think more about what I do and the consequences. I’ve learned to suppress most of the things I’ve seen so not to be tormented every night. I’m new, but I’m still me, and that’s what tells me I’m still human: I learn from my mistakes to be better.”

“Thank you, Iwao! I’m really happy to have been the one you chose to tell all of that to. I will never truly comprehend what you have been through, but I share the pain you’ve known. Now, I’m sorry to break the mood, but concerning my offer to join me, make a team, and go on an adventure, what do you think?” Celi asked brightly, contrasting with the heavy atmosphere from before. She wanted to help Iwao and herself chase the sorrow for future discussions and maybe adventures.

“Oh, that! After all that we’ve shared tonight, and knowing what I do about you now, I think that-”

While talking, Iwao swept his gaze all around the barrier, something he hadn’t do before because he’d been immersed in his thoughts. He then noticed the holes and asked Celi with doubt in his voice.

“Celi, are these holes supposed to be he-”

He didn’t have time to finish his sentence before an explosion shattered the barrier. Someone was standing just a few meters away. She had tears in her eyes, and smoke was escaping from her hand.

“It’s her! Saya! Why did she do that?” Iwao thought quickly, preparing to fight if needed.

“Let me join you!” Saya declared, her voice full of tears.

“What?” Exclaimed Iwao and Celi.