At Least If You're Dead You Can Avoid Awkward Conversations

Aided by Wilhelm's directions, we arrived at a cozy inn, because it probably couldn't be called a hotel yet. Fortunately, the owner was pleased that his hotel had been recommended, and even more so with the generous tip, although it was probably more of a bribe to get us the best double room. We did manage to get a free dinner, but the atmosphere became a bit uneasy.

I even got lucky and was able to take a bath in the upstairs bathroom, but then Renet disappeared there. I was wondering how to fix the situation when I wasn't sure what had spoiled my mood—my words, my behavior, or something else? When I heard him coming back, I quickly turned to face the wall. Still feeling strange, I had no idea how to get out of this situation. I couldn't sleep, and I could hear Renet shifting on his bed against the opposite wall.

I would definitely prefer to avoid such emotional turmoil in this world. It would be a good idea to acclimate first; find a better and, above all, safer job than spying, but damn, I had no skills useful here. I only knew numbers and the right sequence of clicks to achieve the desired results in a few programs; I was such a good, versatile employee. Fantasy worlds? They don't have computers, but maybe they need someone who can count correctly even without a calculator?

I didn't have the manual dexterity to open my own shop or become someone's apprentice, nor was I a genius to create an IT revolution out of nothing. There was always physical labor, which would improve my physique and gain a few points in my appearance, although I'd rather it not be the main factor in winning someone's heart. Besides, I needed to make sure I was as open as possible about my tendency to fall in love with men, and I was already too close to it. Meanwhile, Renet decided to ask me a question I'd been dreading, and I'd almost forgotten about it myself.

"Kyo, do you really think I'm handsome?"

"I hoped you hadn't heard that," I replied, confused, but didn't turn to face him.

"I'm just curious if I meet the standards," he tried to coax me into expressing my opinion.

"I can't be held accountable for standards that aren't my own." I used all my diplomatic skills and decided to shift his attention away from me. "According to them, yes, but I'm not the only one who thinks so. Wanda is head over heels for you. Are you engaged?"

I really wanted to mention the girl so we could start talking about her, not me, but where did that question come from? It just came naturally, perhaps out of jealousy that something could actually connect them when I'd simply been single for so long. It hurt, it just hurt, seeing her clinging to Renet and practically having full approval of her potential relationship, when I didn't have that guaranteed, even in the modern open world. I had the impression my roommate had jumped out of bed but then froze with his hand above me, as if to turn me around, and then backed off a moment later.

"I'm not interested in Wanda at all," he replied, offended that I'd even dared to suspect it.

"Does she know about it?" I scoffed. "After walking with her, I'm absolutely convinced she's already imagining you two on the aisle."

"I don't think she realizes that, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't know much about people, and I really don't want to hurt her, but sometimes her behavior scares me and makes me feel uncomfortable, but I don't know how to communicate it appropriately."

Although I couldn't see his face, I could sense the sadness with which he spoke about it. He was also a loner, but I still had the impression he was drawn to people. He wanted to be around them, but he couldn't grasp all the social, societal details that would convey what he cared about. I almost wanted to hug him, but I clearly couldn't.

"I'm sorry," I said the word with complete sincerity. "I shouldn't have made such foolish remarks. I didn't mean to upset you."

"I also understand why you might have thought that, but Wanda truly has no place in my heart," he emphasized again. "Even if I wanted to, we couldn't be together."

"I get it," I muttered, feeling tiredness slowly creeping up on me and needing to turn around so my ankle would hurt a little less. The last bit of information hadn't sunk in strongly enough. "I believe you; you don't have to convince me so much."

"I just want you to know."

I wish he hadn't said that. I had to take into account all his words, gestures, and reactions; he could have been completely unconsciously getting my hopes up, and I couldn't blame him. And I was aware of his difficulties and responsible for myself. No inappropriate feelings. Oh well, heartbreak has to be checked off in this world, but I would prefer that, only after a while. I rolled onto my back and looked at Renet anyway; he was staring at me too. It lasted a few seconds, and I was afraid of how intense it might have been, if it weren't for the fact that you can't see much in the dark. At the same time, we pretended it had never happened and decided the ceiling was much more interesting.

"Kyo, can I ask you another question?"

"Since we're awake anyway, then yes."

How am I supposed to sleep because of this enigmatic staring at each other? Although I'd rather not discuss any further topics that are a bit embarrassing.

"Do you feel very strange here?"

"What do you mean?" I got a little stressed. What exactly did he mean? Did he suspect something? Did he know the truth? I admit, it's not like I'm trying to hide my background, but nothing has happened yet that would make me reveal myself so much. "You used that term yourself, 'stranger,' when we talked earlier. I've been wondering ever since how much you feel about it," he explained.

I felt his eyes on me again, watching my reaction. Before replying vaguely, I sighed heavily.

"A little, but I just need some time to get used to things."

"Do you miss someone? Something?" he asked, but more out of concern than prying curiosity.

"There are a few things I'd find. If I started telling you, you wouldn't believe me." I laughed to myself; I was already considered crazy here. "I miss people a little less."

"Sorry, it's my fault."

"It's not like that. Your presence and help make everything better. We haven't known each other long, but we can be friends, right?"

This admission of guilt caught me off guard, and I remembered the look on Renet’'s face when we sat by the fire the night before. He couldn't have had any influence on my appearance here, and I'd rather he didn't take the blame unnecessarily. It was my role to hurt him later with lies; I was supposed to be the bad guy.

"Just friends?" I couldn't guess the exact tone behind his curt question. Disappointment, or perhaps hope?

"That would be appropriate."