Chapter 12

“You killed me!”

I couldn’t move. Again I was held in place by branches that wrapped their bark covered limbs around my hands, feet, and mouth. I watched myself approach with the dagger, the same hungry look in my eyes, a complete opposite of how I felt facing it. “Mmph!” I grunted as I strained against the wood that held me in place. The dagger came closer and I looked around wildly, desperate for anything that could help. I made eye contact with Rose, who stood behind, where she never moved from. But unlike last night, she seemed to look at me, not with eyes that were blank and staring into space, but she was there. She was watching. She was in control.

I tried to yell again, and this time the branch left my mouth so I could do so. “Rose! Please, stop this!” I cried out, desperate as the puppet me approached, getting close to my chest. Her head twitched a bit with recognition, understanding. I watched as she silently grimaced at me, then shook her head, and finally just closed her eyes.

“You killed me!”

The branches came away from me, letting me go as the puppet me came close with the dagger. I wanted to say something, anything, but I had nothing. So I ran. The dagger just barely missed me as I made for my left, where my home would be. I didn’t wonder how far this dream extended. If there would be someone there. If there would be a house and shop there. I didn’t get to wonder that as pain surged through my body. The knife stuck into my back and I stumbled. A boot pushed me the rest of the way into the ground and I lay there, slowly bleeding out as everything went black.

I opened my eyes, face to face with myself again. There were no branches, just a murderous duplicate with a dagger and my sister silently watching from behind. I took a step back but the tree halved it. I ran to the right this time. I didn’t make it as far, tripping over a root. The dagger slashed through cloth and skin lower on me but found its true sheath before I could rise.

I opened my eyes, ready as I charged at my double. He didn’t move an inch, except to plant the long knife into my chest.

Again, I opened my eyes to the same grove. Again, two faces stared back at mine. Again, I ran. Again, the dagger slipped through my ribs and into my heart.

I opened my eyes, standing there unrestrained and trapped in this doomed loop, my back once again against the tree. Rose stood there, watching, not saying a word as I repeatedly experienced what I did to her. The dagger glinted in the faux sunlight as the me that was no longer me approached myself.

“You killed me.” The voice was hers but from both of the figures in front of me, full of anger and hatred and sorrow.

I didn’t run this time. I rooted my own feet to the ground without the assistance of any wooden restraints. I held my hands up just a bit, palms outward in a sign of surrender. I couldn’t take watching myself get stabbed again though, and I softly closed my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

I felt a small fist weighing against my chest.

I opened my eyes, no longer seeing an image of myself there, but Rose. The dagger stuck out of the ground as she leaned into me, her forehead pressed under my neck as her small fist weakly rapped against my shoulder. “You killed me,” she cried, tears beginning to run down her face as she looked up. All the anger that had existed in the times I heard those words spoken before was gone, and just a deep anguish and loss remained. “I just wanted to live this life and you took that.” Although I had no right to, I hugged her, giving what remained of her body what little comfort I could.

“I… I didn’t mean to,” I started, not with the apology I should have given, but the one that just came out. “Tobian tricked me.”

“I know,” she said, finally stepping back. She wiped her wet face with clumsy hands that failed to completely clear the tears and snot. Her voice was quiet as she regained her composure. “It’s just… it hurt. A lot. And I don’t mean the knife.” She looked back to where her duplicate stood, now just as lifeless as it had been at first. “I saw it all: my double, the illusion around me, the lack of understanding. And I was forced to watch and bleed.”

I didn’t have a good response for that. I doubted one existed.

I didn’t have to stumble over words though as she didn’t wait long before speaking again. “I’m sorry though, I shouldn’t have done that to you,” she apologized.

“No! No no no!” I frantically interrupted her, taking a step forward. “You—you shouldn’t be apologizing. That’s my job here!”

She giggled in that same light way she always used to. I didn’t know how much I missed hearing that. “Then… let’s both be sorry, and move on?” she told me as she finished cleaning her face with her hand. “Mistakes… mistakes were made, but such is life.”

I couldn’t accept that, but I had no way to repay what I had done to her.

“So… I guess I’m part of you now?” she asked, fighting what was slowly becoming a one sided conversation.

I tried to pick up the slack. “Well, yeah.” I hesitated to admit it, as if I was treating her like a mere accessory, but the truth didn’t feel any better than that. “The mage instructor called it a ‘magisoul’, but essentially it’s just you,” I tried to summarize, hoping my understanding was correct enough. “It’s what mages use to practise magic. Tobian lied to me about it all; using my own mana, drawing power from the earth,” I barked with a raw chuckle I didn’t realize was there, mocking my own naive trust, “all of it. The only way magic is done is by killing someone for it. They call it ‘the ritual’, but it’s little more than just taking someone’s life and soul.” I looked down in shame. “I can’t believe I did that to you.”

She put a hand on my shoulder, and I felt more ashamed that it was her comforting me. “But, you can use magic now, right?” she asked. She wasn’t accusing, or resentful, or judgemental, just asking.

“Yeah,” I confessed, but I held no pride in the ability. “But, I’m not going to do that to you. I can’t just use you like that. Hurt you again.”

“Hmm? No, it doesn’t hurt,” she slowly answered, pausing before choosing her words. I didn’t know how, but I could get that feeling from her, a hesitance to say one way or the other, as if I could now gleam just the surface of her thoughts without clarity, a shield that existed before beginning to crumble. “When you used a bit of magic in the courtyard, it was like… pulling my arm? Not in a bad way though, but I felt it. And saw it.”

“Courtyard? You saw it!?” My dream body straightened, surprised to hear her tell me what happened.

“Well, hold on, not saw saw, but more like… remember when we were kids and used to go by Jerrison’s pond? We threw little pebbles in the water and the fish would all dart away.” She let out a nostalgic little chuckle that both warmed and pricked my heart. “The water would get all ripply… it’s like that; I can see, but in the same sort of distorted way we couldn’t quite see the bottom of the pond. But between these dreams, it’s the only time I’m actually aware of anything at all.” She took a deep breath. “So, please, keep using magic, and me. It’s not even like being asleep when you don’t. Time just… disappears.”

I nodded. “Alright, I’ll do it. I’ll… I’ll train, and get stronger.”

She smiled, kindness pulling her lips while a bit of passion burned in her eyes. “And someday, we’ll find Tobian. You… Well, I’ll blame him for what happened.”

I nodded again, unsure of what to say. She didn’t sound convinced, and I could feel that her words were just as much for herself as they were for me.

“So… what’s it like out there?” she finally asked. She didn’t have to clarify; what she meant was clear enough.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.” I teared up and hugged her. Here, where she could still exist like this. She leaned into me and her head nestled back into the crook of my neck and I felt her shoulders shudder silently against mine. I rested a hand on the back of her head and she did the same for me, fingers sliding between the roots of my hair as I whispered into her ear. “I’m so sorry.”