A Talking Book And A Creepy Voodoo Witch Mommy Waifu, It Seems I've Gone Insane

Previously where we left off, I was lost in a spoooooky forest.

All of a sudden some dipshit drunk starts cussing me unprovoked.

“Unprovoked!?! I told you to shut up and you responded with an insult!”

“Since when did I ever insult you? You’re the one who told me to shut up!”

“Because you wouldn’t shut up about your mommy!”

“Come out here and say it to my face.”

Something heavy wacks me over the head. My legs, barely recovering from the hours-long trek, give out and I fall to the ground.

“You cowardly little shit! Attacking from range! Face me mano a mano!”

“Look down!”

I get up and see what hit my head.

What I saw stunned me.

Lying on the ground is the very same dark grimoire I summoned

Only this time, the previously dormant eyes were lit up with green flames.

“How’s this for showing up?”

Unlike those cliche bastards, I’m able to piece together the puzzle.

“Are you the Outer God I worship?”

“Outer God!?” The skull on the cover screams, “You dare lump me with those grotesque monstrosities beyond even Heaven or Hell’s comprehension!? If an Outer God were talking to you, your head would have already ruptured!”

Sheesh, feisty. Guess I wasn’t as bright as I think I was.

“Who is this I’m speaking with?”

“The guy who saved your skin when you got dumped here, you piece of trash!”

“Woah! Chill out! What’s wrong with you?”

“Wrong with me!? Do you know how long I’ve had to endure your idiotic fantasies!? Forced to take on the form of some talking window with less rhetoric than a native deep in the Misty Jungles!?”

“The heck?” What is this guy ranting about, I literally met him for the first time.

“Don’t you dare ‘the heck’ me! I demand proper respect from you lowly worm!”

It’s pretty hard to respect a skull with anger issues, but I decided to play nice.

Who knows, this guy might be helpful in the future.

“Look, I apologize for not noticing you sooner or doing something you disliked, but I genuinely don’t know who you are.”

“My name is Alhazred! The God of Death!”

Alhazred? Now where have I heard that name from? The part about death is tugging my memories, but I just can’t remember where.

While thinking up I decide to quote a line from the popular sequel to the cat swordsman movie, “Are you Death metaphorically, rhetorically, poetically, theoretically, or any other fancy way? Or are you Death straight up?”

“I am a God of Death.” he clarifies, “There’s several, but I am among one of the most powerful.”

“How did you get stuck in a book?”

The flames in his eyes dim, “Please don’t remind me.”

“Let me guess, you got greedy for power, but something went wrong and you’re now trapped in this book by some Outer God as punishment for your folly.”

“I already said don’t remind me!”

Okay, okay, I barely managed to pacify this temperamental supposed deity, I don’t want to have to try and calm him back down again.

Better change the subject. Guess I should address how he’s been pretending to be the system.

“So if the concept of ‘Status’ doesn’t exist, and this book isn’t just the manifestation of a Skill, what is it?”

“Oh no, Status exists, there is a system in place allowing weak mortal beings such as yourself to gauge their current strength. For Gods and other superior beings, it’s nonexistent as we are too powerful to be bound by mortal standards and convention.”

Eh? For real? That’s awfully convenient.

“I don’t get it. If there’s already a system in place, does that mean I have a way to view my Status without using this book?”

“Yes, but you’re going to have to go to a Church or one of those bureaucratic places you mortals made. Something about the Mason’s Guild.”

“Mason’s Guild? You mean the Adventurer’s Guild, right?”

“I’ll let your annoying interruption slide this time.”

Got it, I should go back to Brooks to get one of these Status displayers. How come I never asked Karen about it?

“Can you give me an explanation of what this book is?”

Alhezrad lets out a proud snort, “What you hold in your hands, mortal, is the culmination of all my most secret knowledge and my greatest legacy. Every single spell of the dark arts and more are listed in here.

Bring down disasters? Check.

Command an unholy army of the dead? Check.

Rip reality asunder? Check!

All that and more is contained in this book.”

Dark spells? Book related to the dead? Alhazred?

Wait… I remember! This thing is literally called… What was it? It had something to do with Necromancy…

Necronomican! That’s it! It was something H.P. Lovecraft wrote about the thing in several of his works! The time it was most clearly mentioned was, I think it was called the Sandwich Horror?

What? Just because I like Eldritch lore and stories doesn’t mean I’ve read every single one! I’m a table top enthusiast, not a literary one!

I share my thoughts with “Sounds like the Necronomicon.”

“Necronomicon? I like that! I’ve been struggling to come up with a name for this thing. You helped me a great deal, mortal!”

Holdup, this isn’t the Necronomicon?

Then what did this guy call it before?

Alhazred continues to prattle on, “Be grateful that I acknowledge your excellent naming sense mortal! For your services, you shall be rewarded.” I let the book cover prattle on. “Your actions so far should only merit you the right to have an audience with me. However! I shall bestow upon you a gift.”

The green screen opens up showing something that made my eyes open.

[Book of Many Secrets (Incomplete) Level 1

Learn one skill at the most basic level.

Can be any skill. Skills can be changed once per week.

Skills learned from the Book of Many Secrets can only be levelled up by upgrading the Book of Many Secrets.

Experience earned from using the the Book]

I’m very tempted to learn necromancy, but I’d probably be burned at the stake the next day if I did.

I need something more practical, something to cover any glaring weakness I have.

But what is my weakness?

Let’s approach this from a board game perspective.

Everything has a counter.

As a spell-caster, my strength is crowd-control and attacking from a distance.

Based on D&D knowledge, spell-casters have incredibly low health and most perform terribly in close-quarters combat.

I look at the sword by my waist. The gift(?) given to me by Garv.

Guess I know which skill I ought to learn.

“Swordsmanship please.”

[Book of Secrets (Incomplete) Level 1

Swordsmanship Level 1 has been selected.

Swordsmanship Level 1

Capable of wielding any sword arms on the rudimentary level. ]

Nice.

However, someone else had the opposite thought.

“Swordsmanship!? Of all the things you can learn, you choose to learn the barbaric act of swinging a stick like an ape with muscles for brains!?” Alhazred screams.

“What’s the problem with swordsmanship?”

“A lowly barbaric art for lowly barbaric people!” He rants, “Magic is the culmination of decades, centuries of knowledge!

For some monkey wielding a lump of metal to be able to go toe-to-toe with those that wield magic!? It’s an insult!”

I glance at him with disdain, “I think I know why you’re in that book.”

“Oh? Enlighten me!” He spats.

“You do realize the greatest weakness of all mages is a close quarters confrontation?”

His eyes dim back down, a silent

He doesn’t say anything more, but tired of this man, or skull, raising his voice at me every two seconds, I decide to poke at him, “Don’t tell me you once lost to someone who used a sword.”

“Shut it! I’m going back to sleep. Go play around with sticks like a toddler. See if I care.”

After imparting his blessing and verbal abuse, the green flames in the sockets flicker out.

Geez, I wonder how this guy woke up in the first place.

Must have something to do with the forest.

I doubt I’ll learn the full truth any time soon.

Anyways, with newfound power and hope in my heart, I begin my search for Alin.

Each of my footsteps contained energy that wasn’t there before.

Hmm? Could it have been a parting gift from Alhazred? How nice of him considering his foul mouth and ill temper.

Is this the obligatory tsundere character almost every series has?

A tsundere skull book… Not someone I want the readers to ship me with.

The heck was up with that thought?

No matter.

As I trek through the forest in search of my companion, it didn’t take long for me to encounter several new lifeforms.

Barely two minutes in and I hear loud rustling and trembling over the undergrowth.

Rustling behind a tall bush, I duck behind a tree for cover.

The branches part, out of the foliage, a grey-furred, bipedal, hyena-wolf hybrid wearing a loincloth and armed with a club steps into view.

A gnoll.

It’s a monster more commonly found in D&D than an isekai.

Quite interesting seeing so many D&D elements and concepts in this world. I wonder what’s the next D&D related sight I’ll stumble upon in the future?

I shelve the thought on the back-burner for now. I’m in a creepy forest full of monsters and separated from my ally. Can’t afford to be distracted right now.

The gnoll sniffs the air, its nostrils flare, sniffing the air. A pink tongue lolls out of its mouth as though it were trying to lick the smell.

Seems like it’s picked up on my scent. I’m not sure if the wolf blood Alin doused me with is attracting it or because it’s wearing off.

What I do know is that the thing hasn't completely locked in on my location.

Right now the thing is still sniffing all over the place, I just have to wait for an opening. This thing can’t possibly have spell-resistant skin tougher than a dire wolf.

There! His back is turned toward me!

But… Why should I risk myself in close quarters when hitting him with a spell from behind can also do the trick?

My mind drifts back to what happened when I used Eldritch Bullet on the dire wolves earlier.

Right, that attracted a lot of unnecessary attention.

Guess I’ll go with stealth like in Assassin or Metallic Cog.

If it doesn’t work, I’ll just blast him with my Eldritch Bullet.

I unsheathe the shortsword from my waist and hold it in one hand. After a few moments of mental preparation, I rush in.

Unfortunately the noisy movements I make and my trampling over some dead twigs alert the Gnoll of my presence.

It raises its club for a strike.

The Swordsmanship skill I gain from the Book of Many Secrets kicks in.

Rather than running away and spamming Eldritch Bullet like my brain is screaming to, my body automatically charges in to close the distance and slash at the monster’s abdomen.

Steel meets flesh and the sword cuts through the belly like a hot knife through butter.

The gnoll lets out a cry of pain and falters, clutching its stomach and whining.

First blood is drawn.

I press my advantage and stab it in the chest.

Wrong move.

It takes a swing at me. A clumsy strike, but it came fast and sudden.

I narrowly hop back and avoid the desperate attack thanks to my enhanced physique from levelling up.

That was a close one.

Even if cornered and injured, a wolf still bites.

Not wanting to risk any potential injuries, I finish it off with a quick Eldritch Bullet.

Poor sap is unable to react in time as its upper body explodes.

The lower half of the creature stays standing for a brief moment before collapsing to the ground. Blood pools on the ground and guts spill out.

Gruesome.

I turn away and think back on the short, but risky fight.

From the way I pressed the attack instead of retreating into a defensive stance, this shows my martial prowess certainly increased, but it still has a long way to go.

Fortunately, unlike martial artists I don’t need to conduct bone-breaking exercises to level up my Swordsmanship. Just levelling up and gaining experience from killing monsters does the trick just fine.

I quickly collect its soul and continue my search.

Throughout the forest, I encounter several more gnolls. In each encounter, I attempt to deal with them close up with Swordsmanship. If things get hairy, pardon the canine pun, I just shoot them with Eldritch Bullet and everything is A-Ok.

Although the skill level didn’t level up. I feel more attuned to it.

It’s like playing a game on a low-spec computer. Sure, the graphics are shit and the controls are janky, but bit by bit I’m mastering it.

It feels like I’m cheating somehow. A farmboy out in the boons takes one or two years to master the basics under the local guard to become an adventurer while I just need a couple minutes against gnolls.

But the world and fate are both hookers diagnosed with the most virulent STDs who want to screw everyone over thrice, so there’s no use crying about it. The best one can do is use whatever they were born talented with to scrape by.

That was a bit off-topic and sobering…

…

Anyways… on a slightly cheerier and more gruesome topic.

Whenever I encounter groups of gnolls, I soften the ranks up with my Eldritch Bullet. Then I rush in for the kill.

Now, naturally, I could just hit all of them with good old Eldritch, collect the experience and souls, and go on my merry way.

But sometimes one needs to step out of their comfort zone in order to grow.

This isn’t recklessness on my part, although I can and frequently do make horrible decisions, it’s something I’ve given some thought to.

As a fugitive in a religious world without the concept of human rights (possibly.) The church isn’t going to be gentle and give me opponents I can beat with a single spell. They’ll be sending in ruthless Inquisitors and Assassins who’ll use every trick in the book to take my head.

Unless I develop all my skills and gain more cards to play, I’ll be completely overwhelmed by those bastards.

Thus I have to train as much as I can until that day comes.

Monologue aside, right now I’m about to engage in an encounter with a group of three.

I blast five shots aimed for their limbs. This’ll hinder their movement and hopefully seal any opportunity for counterattacks.

I mean, it’s pretty hard for a limbless man to fight back against someone who has four limbs.

Two shots take out both legs on one.

Another two take an arm and a leg.

The last one blasts a hole in the torso, killing it instantly.

The surviving two gnolls fall to the ground howling in agony at the sudden loss of their limbs.

…

Nevermind, guess I don’t need to go up close in this encounter.

I walk up and stab the wriggling gnolls, putting them out of their misery.

After, I lean against a tree reflecting on the capabilities of Eldritch Bullet.

The spell is powerful, but not precise.

Every time I cast the spell, it almost always hits, which is good, but it’s not great for precise control.

If I think of hitting the arm, it hits the arm, but when I want multiple targets, I have to have a clear vision of which parts I want to hit.

I need to find some way to improve the accuracy and control of this spell. Guess Eric might have been onto something with his snarky comments.

Whilst thinking about how to learn to fine tune my Eldritch Bullet, the green system screen, or should I say Alhazred, pops up again. Its contents make me smile.

[Your usage of the sword and eldritch powers grant you insight into creating a new skill.

Hex Blade (Level 1)

Imbue one element of your choice into your weapon. The weapon will deal additional damage based on the element chosen. The chosen element will be warped by the eldritch energies you wield, cutting through some of the enemies’ elemental resistance to the chosen element.

Available elements: Fire, Ice

Only one element can be active at a time.

This skill is separate from the Book of Many Secrets. Its level and features will be increased and improved as the user grows.]

“Woah, that’s cool.”

My short sword becomes coated with rolling green flames. Reminds me of a—

Actually, I won’t make that space franchise reference lest I want to be sued for copyright infringement.

People can be sued for just about making any reference in their works these days.

Especially with the big mouse overlord who lives with the crocs in America.

Not wanting to give the author and this series any trouble. I shove aside my useless reference and proceed onwards

I encounter another gnoll and test out my Hex Blade.

With my flaming hand

This one’s carrying a sword.

I attempt to overpower him and knock his poor excuse of a weapon out of his hands, however-

“Argwah!”

The moment my sword makes contact with the sword, flames leap forth and begin eating away at the monster.

I succeed in making it drop its weapon, that, and more.

The beast thrashes about on the ground, obeying the stop, drop and roll laws.

The flames lessened but otherwise continued to burn.

First, it ate away at the gnoll’s fur, then the skin, then the smell of cooked flesh hit my nose.

All the while the creature continues to scream.

How it’s still alive, I have honestly no clue. I can only speculate it has something to do with the twisted nature of Eldritch magic.

Feeling a little sorry for it, I put it out of my misery.

Originally, I intended to stab it in the throat, head or heart, but then curiosity made me want to strike it elsewhere to test Hex Blade’s cutting power.

I direct my burning sword at its abdomen.

With a flick of a wrist, I slash the gnoll clean in half, much to my surprise.

Dang! It even cuts through the bone? This thing melted through him like a light—

What the hell was I going to say again?

I swear, my memory is getting spottier with each passing day. I can’t possibly have Alzheimer’s at my age.

While trying to recall what I was going to say, I once again hear the sound of rustling.

Ah, must be another gnoll.

Well come on out then, I just so happen to want to test out the ice version of this spell.

I regret everything I just said, or rather monologued, in the next few moments.

The moment the thing took its first step out into the clearing, I recoiled in disgust.

Yes, these gnolls are ugly.

However this literal son of a bitch is even worse.

Why does this guy have extra eyes and limbs? As well as wriggling appendages that have no business there.

I might rush into things blind at times, but there’s no way I’m enough of a fool to take on this abomination head-on.

Just as I was about to take off running, something dark shoots out from the treetops and yanks the mutated gnoll into the air.

I barely saw what happened.

One moment it was going to charge, the next moment it was gone.

The ugly mutant that looked as though it were a lost relative of the Habsburg’s didn’t even have the time to let out a cry before he disappeared faster than a foreign reporter in North Korea.

Please, don’t tell me I’m about to meet face-to-face with an even greater horror.

There was more rustling, I held my sword in both hands and formed a basic stance with my Level 1 Swordsmanship, ready to fight or flee.

I activate the flame version of Hex Blade and get ready to fight or flee.

This isn’t the time to be testing out the ice version.

The rustling gets louder, the leaves part, revealing itself from the bushes is—

“A goat?”

A black goat, the size of a large dog steps out into view, its dark coat glistened and swayed.

However, no bright rays of sunlight or strong winds were present.

Upon closer examination, I make out individual movement beneath its coat, white

Its fur wasn’t fur at all, but writhing tendrils that made it look like its coat was billowing in the wind.

“Good, it seems I wasn’t too late.”

The heck? I’m not hallucinating right? This thing talks!? Actually, why am I even surprised? I literally just met a talking book.

If inanimate objects can talk, why can’t an animal?

The goat creature calmly strides up to me with calmness and opens its mouth.

“Not exactly, a goat, it’s one of my familiars.”

Ignoring the absurdity of encountering a talking goat, I ask a rather self-evident question, “I presume you want me to follow it?”

“Perceptive, this should make communication easier.” The goat turns away and begins to trot back into the foliage whence she leapt from, “Come then, there is much to discuss.”

I follow behind the goat, ever weary of my surroundings.

The spatial anomalies, mutants with tentacles, a goat made up of tentacles and eyes.

If this doesn’t spring Eldritch vibes, I don’t what does.

At the entrance to the manifested little trail, the goat cautions me, “Do not look off to the sides. No matter what you hear, do not listen to the voices.”

I follow the goat down the path. A seemingly endless tiny dirt path. My feet could barely stay on the trail.

Whenever my arms brush against the shadows in the trees, I feel a chill run down my spine.

But wait! There’s more!

I feel my forehead getting hotter and my mind more disoriented. The atmosphere reminds me of the abyss where I found the Necronomicon, how if I stepped beyond the light of the green sigils, my mind starts to combust.

Good news, the symptoms I’m experiencing are far less prominent than the side effects I previously endured. Guess I built up a tolerance, or maybe because I levelled up.

Bad news, the trek was way longer than my temporary two minute visit to the abyss dimension.

I guess another piece of good fortune is that I don’t hear any of the voices or murmurs the goat warned me about.

Finally, after several agonizingly long minutes, my head starts to clear, my spine no longer tingles and the goosebumps fade.

Sunlight shines at the end of the dark forested path, I pick up my pace and soon, we exit the and into the middle of a clearing.

In the middle of the glade, sat a person, seated on a tree stump, who made me lightheaded.

No it wasn't because of any dark magic or Eldritch horrors like in the abyss.

It was something else entirely.

Despite my unorthodox personality, I am still physically (and mentally) adolescent.

Now, it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say everyone will find some waifu they goon over behind a locked bedroom.

Today, I think I just found mine.

The first thing that caught my eye wasn’t her voodoo occult garb, the giant animal skull she wears or the creepy ominous staff she carries. Nope, it was her—

Goddamnit, I think my nose is starting to bleed. I unconsciously touch the skin above my upper lip. No moisture or liquid, guess I’m in the clear.

I take a deep breath and try to organize my thoughts.

Unfortunately, I forgot to close my eyes, so when I tried to sort everything out. My mind became filled with only thoughts of

‘Oh, huminah, huminah!’

Shit! Shit! Shit! Focus! Don’t get distracted by those badonkers, her hourglass figure, jutting hips, bare thighs and sensual long limbs.

Fuck I just became a total simp haven’t I? Guess this is payback for making fun of Citizen Diabolical Lady D simpers.

I blame the author. Of course he needs to add in fanservice to appeal to the degenerates reading this!

Shit! I’m mentally gooning so hard I don’t know what I’m even saying!

Just end this embarrassing hormonal scene here! Please I beg of you!

Somehow, I feel like someone is flipping me the bird and laughing their ass off from far away.