Chapter 5 - Rain, Rain, Go Away

Ame stared at me with an obvious look of concern in his eyes.

Who was he concerned for? Himself or me?

Maybe I was farther away from being human than I ever could have imagined. A simple question such as this pained me to even think of an answer. I couldn’t tell why I was in such pain.

I couldn’t tell. I couldn’t understand anything. He was disappointed in me.

That look of disappointment in his eyes made me question something. When he observed me, did I enjoy the things that he set in stone?

I stared at him, trying to read between the lines within his rough eyes. A calm sea blew in the back, behind the crashing waves I felt in the front. A calm sea. Calm. He had every right to be calm but I felt he didn’t.

He helped me enjoy my existence. He was the perfect observer. He gave value to my every action. But what gave him that right? He wasn’t a god. Perfect as he may be, he’s a human. He’s the same as me. He was supposed to be the same as me.

He had no right to make me think I had anything.

No right to help me.

Without another word, I sprinted away. The small patches of grass flattened under the weight of my steps.

My steps.

Mine.

Run. Eat. Survive.

Those were the only things that I had the ability to think about until Ame came along.

Until I thought I could become human.

Until I thought I could be Nell.

I didn’t want to be seen by Ame. I didn’t want to be seen by anybody. But I didn’t have a choice because I couldn’t make a choice.

Whether it was Ame or my creator, no matter where I went, I could never escape it. The water coming out of my eyes detached from my chin and fell to the floor, only for it to get dried up within a moment's notice. Every bit of water I created from my eyes would be destroyed eventually. Isn’t that how humans worked, as well?

I continued running away until I came to the sewers. I opened the lid and climbed down. I didn’t care to cover my nose. Every person in this sewer was disconnected from reality. Every single person in this sewer was exactly like Ame.

They were all observers.

I didn’t want to be seen while I ran. I didn’t want this pitiful, slothful run to be real.

I hated running.

What did I hate?

My thoughts were scattered to the point where it was getting hard for me to breathe, only for a thought to enter that stopped my breath entirely.

What was I created for? Created to be observed by somebody higher up than me? I had no way of knowing. If that was my purpose, I wouldn’t accept it.

“I’ll die here.”

I wouldn't let myself be seen. If I couldn’t become a human without being seen, there would be no point in being human. I wouldn’t want to exist if I needed confirmation from a god or a perfect observer.

I wasn’t human. And I never would be. Not without Ame. Not without being seen and judged.

I ran through the smoky air and exited the sewers. I had my eyes closed when Ame introduced it to me. But, I could sense the way there. I didn’t need to use my eyes to find the exit to reality. I popped open the cover and appeared in another alley.

To avoid it, to break free from my creator, all I needed is to reverse it. Reverse the life that had been created for me, and return to non-existence.

I needed to die. Die. Die.

“Please… Please kill me.”

I was on the floor, slamming my hand against the concrete until it bled. I felt as if I would throw up at any moment. All the humanity I gained and all the identity I built up had no point to them. This life had no point. No reason I had been created. That was my goal.

My final goal. My final act of effort. My final show of disappointment.

I would die.

I would not be used by any perfect beings. I would not exist. Not me. I didn’t want to anymore.

In truth, no matter how much I hated my creators, how much I hated being released, how much I hated the cold, how much I hated this fucking value, in truth- I never hated Ame.

There's no way I could.

The water continued flowing through my eyes as my mind unconsciously continued begging for itself to not be able to anymore. And then, my prayers were answered.

A man, the tallest I’ve ever seen stood towering in front of me. Without seeing the face under his scruffy white hair and above his military uniform, I grabbed onto his legs.

“Please… Ki-”

Before I could beg him to end my life again, he kicked me into a building.

With my mouth wide open, water flowing from my eyes and an emotion with no substance taking up all the space inside my head, I tried to get back up but couldn’t. My body was fine, but my identity was crushed, or at least the little bit of identity I had in the first place. That feeling weighed me down to the point where I couldn’t even stand up. Not to this man or to myself. I couldn’t.

Despite my wish for death actively being granted, there was not a single positive emotion in my brain. Was it because I was built to not wish for death? It didn’t concern me how I was built. Words unconsciously escaped my mouth as I desperately tried to distract myself with more questions.

“I’m sorry, Ame.”

I knew he couldn’t hear me, but I tried anyway. I was even upset that he didn’t hear me. Isn’t that funny? Disappointment burst its way into my head even though its maximum capacity was already reached.

“A..me…”

After running away from him, I yelled for a man who just wronged me, and got mad when he didn't come.

Is this who I was?

Water rushed down my face yet again. I didn’t like it. It was cold.

The man stood his foot on my head as the words desperately tried to escape my mouth.

Even though I wished to die, I was still scared. I knew this would happen, so I made preparations.

To ease a human's fear, they think of things that make them happy.

Happy… What made me happy?

I went through every one of my memories. From being inside the heart to training with Ame less than an hour ago, everything flashed through my mind. Every happy memory I had included Ame in it.

My plan to reduce my anxiety failed horrendously, as every positive memory I had was tainted by what Ame was. Not a single happy memory.

Not a single memory I wanted to acknowledge as happy.

In truth, there was still a part of me that wanted to become me. A part of me who wanted to exist, but even with all that happened, I still wasn’t human. It was too complicated for me to understand. After all, I wasn’t human. I wasn’t.

So I gave up.

With a final step, the man went up to me… and kneeled down. Water started flowing down his face, the same way it did to mine.

He spoke.

“Poor thing. You don’t deserve this.”

I looked up at him, my body quivering with anxiety that I never knew was possible to feel.

He continued to speak, seemingly feeling the same way as me. But when I looked into his eyes, he stared back at me.

I shrunk back in disgust. Not fear, but disgust.

He was watching me. Me. Did he have any right to observe me? Was he just as perfect as Ame?

I stared at his ankle as a barely readable number stared back at me.

Ninety-seven. He was the ninety-seventh commander.

He didn’t have any right to observe me.

My thoughts got cut off as the water flowing from the man's eyes dripped onto my hair. He stood up and grabbed me by my neck. Veins bulged out of his hand, reflecting the light off the moisture from the water in his eyes.

He looked at me in sadness. His gray and white hair stood perfectly still as the wind blew past it. The water stopped flowing down my eyes as I accepted everything. The fear went away. The anxiety went away. The only thing left was a wish.

A wish that I could’ve been human. A wish I could’ve gotten along with Ame.

And a wish that I could have been valued by an imperfect observer.

Or, in other words… a human.

Pure desire filled my mind as the man lifted up his other hand.

The wind from around me began swirling into a sharp blade on his flat hand.

“I’m sorry. I’m forced to do this. I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight if I didn’t end your suffering.”

I didn’t care.

Once I died, would my identity still exist?

I was the tree in the forest. Once I fell, who would see me? Who would confirm that I ever existed? It would be an observer. Anybody who had witnessed the soil of my identity would know I existed.

The only person who fit that criteria was Ame.

As the time seemingly slowed down around me, his hand flew towards my stomach.

With a flash of water magic from beside me, the water from my eyes began to return flowing.

I was alive.

I slowly turned to my left as I saw Ame with a hole in his stomach, cut by the blade of wind. The commander glared at him with either pity or empathy. I couldn’t tell.

Ame held his stomach with his hand as the floor was dyed with blood and water.

I rushed over to him and frantically yelled.

“Ame! Why the hell are you here?! I didn’t ask for this!”

Water continued running down my face, harder than before.

“I… damn. I didn’t think he would be here this early. I’m sorry… I wanted to fight him with you.”

I screamed to the point where it felt as if my throat was getting ripped apart.

“You- You idiot! You watched me! You caused everything I hated to exist! You were the architect of my suffering! I hate you! I really do!”

Ame smiled softly at me.

“I… guess so. I really loved it all too.”

I stared into his eyes.

They weren’t perfect. They weren’t detached. The reality that came from him watching me was something that I couldn’t handle.

Ame was just as slothful as me. He wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t a god, nor was he a perfect observer.

He was a human. This kind of observation could only come from him, and him alone.

Water began running down my face like a river as I held Ame in my arms.

Bzzzzsht!

Information shot into my head, even though I thought it wouldn’t happen anymore.

I figured out what the water was.

It was called crying. Tears were flowing down my face and hitting Ame.

It’s a human emotion.

Humans cry.

I cry.

Ame smiled at me, realizing the same thing I had just realized. It was possible he knew from the start.

The tears that dripped off my face left a mark on the pavement. I wasn’t dead. A blank slate couldn’t cry. There was something there. An emotion. A truth. A wish. It existed.

The seeds of identity began to sprout within my internal world.

Everything I have ever blamed Ame for had come to a standstill. Now that I had realized the truth, an objective view on everything flooded to me. Ame observing me wasn’t a sin. It was the removal of one. The act of observing me allowed me to show my indolence. And it allowed me to get rid of it. It was a flaw. That is why he didn’t truthfully answer me when I asked him about it. I was flawed. I was starting to become human. And I always would be.

My tears continued pouring onto the hole in his stomach as he used the little energy he had to speak, very quietly.

“Don’t lose sight of your goal, Nell.”

I yelled back to him.

“Don’t let me lose sight of my goal, Ame!”

I couldn’t hold in my fears.

“Who… am I, Ame?!”

He smiled softly at me as my tears rippled against his stomach.

“You’re a crybaby, Nell. That's who you are. Because that’s what I’m seeing right now.”

He closed his eyes. His body was still warm. I held him in my arms as his blood soaked my black coat.

I felt warm.

And I felt cold.