The day I ended my life

I still remeber that day.

That was a hot sunny day, fell like the heat can cut through your skin, body covered in sweat. 

I'm a adult woman, who have a job and a normal life. 

My mother and father didn't like each other much, they fight a lot. To reduce the frequency of the fight, they tend to avoid other by working all day and night. Unlike a normal family, we didn't spend time with each other, like watching movie together, eating out at the restaurant or having a dinner together. You know, kids can't fully grow up if no one gives them love or care or something like that. I think because of that, I can't fully grow up like a normal adult. I know that blaming others is not a good thing and my parents is not struggling financially or anything, but deep down, I know that I lack something.

When I was an elementary student, I still remember my classmates make fun of me. I don't know why, is it because I'm a hideous person? I keep wondering, is it because what I lack make me becoming like this? A hideous person? I just don't know and I can't ask anyone. After that, in junior high or high school, I really can't fit in with everyone. It like I was detached from this world.

When I became a college student, I think that I qualified to pursue the "real family". A family that everyone accept each other, I can build the place where I can belong with.

But it can't be that easy, building a relationship is tough. I met a man, we hang out, and I'm not enough, so we break up. Because I'm not fully a person, I lack many things that make human a human.

I have a job, it isn't a bad or a good job, just a normal job. A job that you will begin a day at 8am and finish at 6pm, a job that you have to wake up at 6am and stuck on the road for 2 hours because of jamming traffic. A job that when you get to your house, that was already 7:30pm. You cleaned up your room, you eat your dinner, you have shower and then, the end of the day, you go to bed. The normal life isn't it? It not bad or good, it just "normal", a "normal" life that draining your humanity everyday, you became less and less human, became like a zombie.

I just don't know what is the meaning of all this? I have a job that draining my humanity, I have a family that I didn't belong, I don't have any relationship. Am I belong to anywhere else? 

What is the different, between a person who wants to live, and a person who doesn't want to?

In my point of view, the person who wants to live, can imagine about their future. They have hope on their future, they know that if they keep living, things can change. But a person who doesn't want to live, they lost a ability to imagine their future, they stuck, they know that nothing can be change and the suffering they have, can't be ended. 

That why I decide to end my life.

I know that some people will think that was a ridiculous reason to commit suicide, but in the end, I will die, how do I have to think about what people think about me anyway? 

I chose to hang myself. When a person is hanged, they will faint almost immediately because of the decreasing blood flow and air flow, leading to cerebral hypoxia, so I think I won't fell much pain.

Did you know the word "suicide", come from modern Latin word "suicidium". "Sui" means "of oneself" and "-cidium" means "a killing". 

And I really do that, I really commit a suicide and physically, I was died. 

But one thing that happens to me? I got reincarnation, like a main character of some anime I usually watch. 

Well, I'm not happy or grateful with this thing. Because I really want to DIE, what is a meaning of living another life in another world? 

I reincarnate into a little girl's body and I think I am sitting in the bed in her bedroom. What should I do now? Find the rope and then kill myself again? No, no, I have to calm down and think. Think about it, this body isn't mine, do I have the right to kill "myself"? This is the body of the little girl, not "my body". If I kill "myself" right now, does that mean I was killing this little girl?

I wonder where is this girl's soul. I have watched many anime about reincarnate into someone else body, they usually explain like that body is death and their soul is no longer in here or something like that. But I never know, because I tend to drop the anime after 1-2 episodes, too busy to watch all the episodes. And it not like all the world have the same settings and mechanism, and I really don't know why I got reincarnation. If the reason is because I took the life lightly, and I have to receive my punishment or something like that, then it was a shitty reason for my reincarnation.

Suddenly, I feel like a heavy thing that pop out in my head. Oh I know what it is. the memory of this little girl. That was convenient for me because I worry that I can't understand the language of this world.

It likes a thick dictionary that pop out in your head, a wave of infomation. But this girl is just a child, so there aren't many information about her.

This little girl is 7 years old. She is a daughter of a very famous "mage", in our language, in this world, they can be called "magus", spell like that in our language. That famous magus is her father, I can see that he is not fond of her because he didn't show often in her memory. In contrast, her mother was dear to her.