Human

“It’s just someone I met for the first time yesterday. I have no reason at all to grant it such trust or to open my heart for it.” Iwao thought, lost in all that was happening in his mind.

When you suffered, you didn’t always want to talk about it with someone. You thought that nobody would really care, really listen to you, or help you with your struggles. Being a disappointment and putting your suffering in front of everyone’s eyes was not something anyone would have loved to do, just to preserve the semblance of life they had.

Iwao felt this way all the time. Hiding behind every little smile, every comforting word, every look, every little thing, he concealed how unwell he was inside. He was hiding his torments and his suffering. Celi and Saya had their own problems, so he thought that his were nothing for them.

Moreover, he was used to it, as in his past life nobody had cared for the true Iwao Aoki he was inside. He kept in himself what he thought others wouldn’t like to see, and so he learned tricks to hide beneath a mask. He kept these methods in this world too, as if this mask was stuck to his soul.

“But Lo... it’s different with it, like with Saya and Celi when I first met them. When I first talked with them I was struck by the feeling that things were different from before, that the barriers I imposed on myself were meant to be broken by these new people in my life. It’s like they are here to help me open up and empty my shell of all the disgusting things I have inside of me.”

He was staring desperately at the ground after Lo’s questions, trying to gather all his thoughts as his mind raced at full throttle.

“Lo is the one I feel closest to, even though I don’t know it very well. What I felt in its nightmare, what I understood, made me realize others could feel the same as me. But when I saw Lo’s lost gaze in the sky, full of loneliness – the same I had felt for so long during my seventeen years of life on Earth and the two years on Aruniol – it was too much for me. It reminded me of how my human life could be valued at first and how my monster form blocked all of this. That’s why Lo’s questions hurt me. How could it insult my objective? How could it insult the only way I have to find happiness in this world? If it weren’t for it, I would’ve killed myself a long time ago.”

Lo didn’t know what to do, just watching Iwao collapsed on the ground. He had been silent for a few minutes, and it was just waiting for him to speak.

“Yet, Lo seems to be the most appropriate person to listen to my torments, as it doesn’t know human logic nor emotions. Lo won’t judge me for who I was, for what I’ve done, or for what I want. Its questions were innocents, I should give it an answer. Maybe my heart will feel lighter and my objective clearer once again. Although, releasing everything I feel at once is impossible for me. I need to do it little by little, or I’ll go crazy.”

Despite all the thoughts racing through his head, Iwao managed to keep his feet on the ground and weigh the pros and cons to decide what to do.

He sat against the stone entrance of their camp, watching the dusk disappear in the distance. Tears streamed down his face, and making eye contact with Lo would have made it worse. He was trying to catch his breath in an air that felt heavy, his heart pounding rapidly.

Lo, who had been standing still, decided to sit on the other side of the entrance, imitating Iwao.

“You need to be human? What do you mean by that, savior?” Lo asked.

Iwao put his right hand on his forehead, his head aching.

“Are you going to stay quiet, savior? Have I done something wrong? Shouldn’t I have?”

Iwao buried his head in his hands. Lo heard him mumbling but didn’t understand the words.

“Savior, please, tell me.” Lo said, looking firmly at Iwao, who was curled up on himself.

Iwao lowered his hands. He gave up resisting Lo’s insistence.

“I’m horrible.” He said, choking on his tears.

He looked toward the sky, sighing. Lo kept silent so as not to disturb him.

“Well… I’ve never truly opened myself like this before. You’re the first one I’ve done this with. So please listen. I will not repeat myself. And don’t tell Saya and Celi, they don’t have to know about this.”

Lo nodded, though Iwao didn’t see it.

“Where to start… I’m lost… haha… But if I had to say one thing first, it’s that I never did the right thing. At any moment, I never made the best decisions for my life and I always did as everybody dictated. I never truly could be myself. You can’t understand, but all this pressure inside, the expectations of others, trying to include myself with everyone, trying to be better so they’d notice me... it all consumed me. I was stressed, scared, disappointed in myself, and so much more, every day. All of that built up inside me and… I showed the first signs that I was at the end of my rope.”

Iwao cleared his throat and wiped his face, though tears still streamed down.

“I reached my saturation point when I was twelve. That’s when I started having nightmares – but not like the one you were trapped in, Lo. No. They were horrible, all telling me to die, showing me my tragic fate in the most absurd ways if I continued my life like this. For five years I had to deal with suicidal thoughts, fear of my own nightmares, fear of the night, and fear of who I was everyday. Yet, everyone relied on me for many things, and if I had managed my life better, I could have enjoyed it and tried to get closer to those people. But the image they had of me was too anchored in their minds and nothing could change it. Then one day, I found myself in this body.”

Iwao stood on his two feet. Night had fallen, and he cast a light between him and Lo to be able to see. The clouds were gray, as if they were reflecting the state Iwao was in.

“At first, I didn’t realize I was in this body, and the first thing I thought was that I was finally free to be me, to start again with new people, by making the right decisions this time and maybe finding happiness. But when I saw what I looked like… I was desperate. Nobody would want me like that, nobody would value me, I was useless, nobody would love me, nobody would… would…”

Iwao broke down in tears, Lo didn’t know what to do and just stared at him, watching as Iwao tried to calm himself by breathing deeply, crying harder every time his thoughts took over again.

Iwao punched himself in the face. Distracting his spirit with pain was the best way he had found to be able to continue.

“I tried to kill myself many times, but I didn’t die. Many attempts that did nothing. These last two years, I just suffered in my corner, trying to die, harming myself, trapping myself in my own mind like I did before. I did the same mistakes. At the beginning I saw a light, but the tunnel exploded right in front of me, leaving me in the dark. I’m lost, Lo. I know Saya and Celi are not so comfortable around me. I try to help them despite my appearance, not for them to judge my value, not for them to stop seeing this terrible form of mine, but just to make them happy and resolve their problems. My dreams, my happiness, everything is blocked by this body. Power? Incredible strength and speed? And all that comes with it? If that means being so desperate, with all that sorrow, I don’t want it. I try every day to learn new spells that could kill me, because I can’t seem to find hope in a way of becoming human again. I just push back the day I will die by helping them resolve their problems. If there is a way for me to be human… for me to find happiness… for me to leave a peaceful life… for me to do something good and really be me for once… I will take that chance. I need to be human, or I will be forever trapped in this body. And like Celi once said, the essence of the monster in me is eating little by little my human essence. One day or another I will not be myself anymore, and Iwao will disappear.”

Iwao looked at Lo firmly. His eyes were desperate, but he was determined.

“Lo. I know you’re powerful and that you will follow us until the end, that’s one thing I’m sure of. If I don’t succeed in becoming human, and the essence of the monster takes over my human essence so that I’m not myself anymore, please... kill me. You will be the one in charge of that. Don’t listen to Celi and Saya if they tell you not to do it. Just do it. I want to be at peace with myself, not suffer or make the others suffer because of me. After all, it’s my fault if Saya has to go against her father, if she has to escape from her life. It’s my fault if they ended up hurt because of the monsters they’re fighting to find a way to make me human again. I’m the cause of a lot of their problems. So please, kill me if that happens. In one spell, disintegrate my being, leaving no chance for me to survive.”

Iwao looked at the horizon in the night.

“Saying all I had on my heart makes me feel lighter. Even so, all I’ve lived through remains heavy on my heart and mind, reminding me of what I must do. Above all, it makes old wounds bleed again – wounds I thought had long since healed.”

Lo stood up, eyes wide open. Iwao looked at it.

“Well, Lo… I thought you couldn’t feel any emotions…? Why are you crying so suddenly…?” Iwao asked.

Tears were streaming in torrents on Lo’s calm face, as if it hadn't realized it was crying.

“I don’t understand, savior. My heart is hurting me. Pain. Suffering. Kill. Why… I would have liked to see what you really went through, to understand better. I will fulfill the mission you gave me, savior. But it hurts. You were the first one to show me you understood me, even though at first I didn’t know what you meant. I knew you were the one I would always follow when I saw you, so I don’t want to see you die. But if that’s what is needed at the time, I will do as you said, savior.”

“Thank you, Lo.” Iwao said, a sad smile on his face.

Not long after, appearing from behind the trees, Celi and Saya came back from the village with all their bags of supplies.

What Iwao didn’t know was that they had listened to everything he said. Before asking his questions, Lo had saw them coming back from afar, but Iwao hadn’t. They arrived approximately at the same time Iwao started his monologue.

They hid behind the trees and listened to everything, crying silently so as not to be heard, for everything Iwao said was sad and painful, revealing how he truly saw himself and them. Lo knew they were there but didn’t tell Iwao, as if not wanting to disturb him.

“Saya, I’m sure you think the same… We won’t talk about what happened for now. We’ll accelerate our mission and find a way for him to become human quickly, for him not to die. It’s our mission, our way of giving back all the help he has given us.” Celi whispered, and Saya slightly nodded in agreement.

After everything was said, they waited some time and came back as if nothing had happened.

Iwao had wiped his tears and acted as if nothing had happened too. Lo was still crying.

“What happened, Lo? Why are you crying?” Celi asked.

“He had a speck of dust in the eye. I had to remove it, but his eyes cried a lot. I must have gone too hard on them.” Iwao replied jokingly.

Celi and Saya looked at each other with a sad smile.

“Well, we bought everything we needed, and even the potion you asked, Iwao. We also have something more for you, let’s go in the cave!” Celi said enthusiastically.

Iwao dismissed his light spell, plunging the entrance of the cave into darkness.

Inside, he lit a fire as he used to when camping back on Earth — by spinning a branch in his hands against a wooden board with a hollow in the middle, using friction to create the flame. He refused the help of Saya and Celi – he wanted to do it himself.

“I don’t control fire spells well, and I don’t want to be a burden with all these little things. I’ll manage to do it myself.” He thought.

The atmosphere was awkward because of what had happened, but the girls tried to change that.

“Iwao, we know that you eat nightmares to calm your hunger, but you must be craving normal food sometimes, no? That’s why we bought you this!” Saya exclaimed.

She pulled a pouch of tartlets out of her bag. They were all sumptuous and looked sweet and delicious, but one of them caught Iwao’s eye. He pointed at it.

“I’m okay with eating normal food, since it’s been so long since I last had any, as I couldn’t go into the cities to buy it. But... what is this one?” He asked.

“Oh, this? It’s a lemon meringue tartlet. Do you want it?” Saya asked with a big smile, holding the cake out to Iwao.

“Thank you, I will eat it now.” Iwao replied, taking the tartlet and shoving it in his mouth.

They all looked at him, sitting down in a circle in the dark cave, lit only by the fire in its center. The flames illuminated their belongings and Iwao’s face.

“This taste…” Iwao said.

He looked at the ground.

Tears began to fall from his eyes onto the floor.