Chapter 12 - Gluttony

After we were done hunting, Dominic was hauling a large sum of exotic meats over his shoulder as Kaya was singing. I didn’t know why, and neither did Dominic. But he didn’t ask.

Dominic interrupted her singing.

“You’re gonna talk to Sy when we get back.”

“Tomorrow!”

Dominic glared at her.

“Not tomorrow. Today.”

This was rather confusing. Why did it have to be today? If I was in Kaya’s position, I would want to put it off as well. Was it that Dominic couldn’t see this?

“Why not tomorrow?”

Dominic stared at me with disappointment.

“See! Nell agrees! Tomorrow!”

Dominic sighed.

“Fine. But you have to do it tomorrow. No more stalling.”

“Okay!”

Kaya jumped forward, and before long we made it back to the camp. Sy and Ame stood there, guard completely down, eating their own food.

Dominic threw the meat on to the makeshift table and sat down.

“You went hunting too?”

Ame nodded while chewing.

Kaya and Sy sat across from each other, avoiding eye contact. It was quiet enough for me to hear the ants crawling on the ground. A worm was wriggling under the table. I stared at it for a bit, before getting interrupted. It was a welcome interruption though.

“Nell!”

I turned my head as Ame yelled over to me.

“Come with us! Sy needs to talk to you!”

Sy did? If he wanted to talk to me, he would normally just come up to me. Sy looked away into the trees, as if he was avoiding looking at anybody.

“Okay.”

Without any questions, I walked over to Sy and stood beside Ame. Ame walked us over to an area behind the camp where nobody else could hear before speaking.

“Sy! I brought Nell to help fix your problem. He’s not great at communicating, but you aren’t either. It’s perfect! He can give you some fresh advice that I wouldn’t be able to give.”

This seemed awfully familiar.

Sy turned his head and looked at me for the first time today.

“Really? You can?!”

I wasn’t confident. Dominic told me it worked for Kaya, but I had no clue how I did that. I didn’t know how I would help Sy either. Ame should know that. He was good at this stuff. I wasn’t. But if I wanted to be diligent, it would be my responsibility to help.

“I can try.”

Sy immediately began to explain the situation to me in full detail.

“So, I was looking for Kaya because she wasn’t in her tent, right?”

I had no idea if he was correct or not, so I just nodded.

“After thirty minutes, I found her lying in the dirt as it was raining. She was crying, and I froze up. I didn’t know what to say. But at that moment, she looked at me. I couldn’t tell if it was fear, anger, frustration, or sadness. So I just apologized.”

He paused after saying this, as if he was waiting for my input. I had many things to add, but I didn’t feel like saying them out loud. So all I did was nod again.

“She then told me to go away. Looking back on it, I understand why. But at that moment I felt more hurt than concerned. And I hate that I did. That’s why I can’t talk to her.”

This was rather difficult. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I needed more information to make any decisions.

“Does Kaya care about that? I still don’t know why she was avoiding you, but Dominic seemed to know.”

I was lying a little bit here. I could faintly tell that Kaya was embarrassed to talk to Sy, but now I understood that it was because he saw her in that state.

“I don’t know. She has a strong sense of justice, so I think that's why she was avoiding me. As punishment or something.”

I heard Ame slightly laugh in the back. Sy looked at him, and his face instantly shifted back to how it was.

After Sy turned back around to me, Ame interjected with a rather serious tone.

“Nell. I have a question for you.”

This was rather odd. I was usually the one asking the questions, not the other way around. But if it was Ame asking, I would try my best to answer.

“Yeah?”

“What does every human being want?”

This came out of nowhere. Maybe he was seeing how much I’ve learned. I didn’t know much about what other humans wanted, but I knew what I wanted. And I was a human. It was an identity. But, I obviously couldn’t say that.

I saw Ame smiling at me, waiting for my answer. The time was ticking and I began to panic. What could I say? I didn’t want to lie, and I didn’t want to tell the truth. I turned to Sy for help, but he was making something out of leaves and sticks. He put it on his head to resemble a hat. He seemed to like it.

“...Hats.”

“???”

Was I right? Sy wanted it, but Sy was an exception to most things.

I looked down at the floor as Ame was laughing at my answer. Apparently it was wrong. I realized it soon after I said it. Ame’s question wasn’t even relevant. Why was he asking me this? I felt as if I had disappointed him with my answer.

Ame smiled softly at me.

“It’s power, Nell. Power. Every human being wants power. It’s how we’re made.”

Did I want power? If I looked into it, I suppose I did. Strength is a part of power, and it would help me fight alongside Ame. Confidence is a part of power, and it would help me say everything I ever wanted to say. Power had so many aspects and so many motivators for needing it that it was impossible to think of a reason somebody wouldn’t want power.

Sy dropped his stick hat and spoke to Ame.

“Why does this matter? You’re supposed to be helping me, not preaching to Nell!”

Ame turned to him.

“It’s because you want power, Sy. I believe that's the solution. Nell might have a different one though, you can as-”

“Are you saying I’m not strong enough?!”

Ame avoided eye contact with Sy as he was yelling at him.

“Not… exactly…”

“Not exactly?!”

“From what you’ve said about your hurt overpowered your concern, I believe your pain won due to your instinct to need more power. Showing concern after that would cause you to be vulnerable, which goes against that instinct. So, we are going to train it- you’ll be secure enough for concern every time.”

This was rather helpful for me as well. I never knew this, and had never been told it. I couldn’t understand this just with observation either.

Ame moved his head close to me and whispered in my ear.

“This will help him with confidence too, so he can talk to Kaya. If he feels like something got fixed, he should have no problem.”

I see. If there was no problem, there was nothing to be worried about, and in turn no reason not to speak to Kaya. I was learning more than Sy was here.

Sy looked worried.

“That's great, but how are you supposed to train against a human instinct?”

Ame grinned.

“Nell, insult Sy.”

Huh.

Huh?

Why was I supposed to insult him? Was I even capable of doing that?

“I don’t know…”

Ame gave me an affirmative thumbs up.

“You got this! It’s for his training! It’s training for you as well. You need to learn how to have less of a filter.”

Everything was telling me that was horrible advice, besides Ame. But Ame saying it overpowered everything else, so I abided by it..

“Sy, you uhhm… you…”

I couldn’t think of anything that would be harmful to him. I tried harder, looking through every corner of my mind for something that could hurt somebody, even though I didn’t want to hurt him.

“You can’t communicate with the person you care for the most. You… you can’t understand what other people feel. You don’t understand who you are. And, you make stupid hats!”

Was that too mean? I instantly regretted saying all of that. Ame told me to, so I did, but I didn’t feel good about it. I didn't even know where all of that came from.

Sy looked at me with his eyebrow twitching, before speaking to Ame without even turning his head to him.

“Ame. How. Is. This. Supposed. To. Help?”

Ame smiled at him before asking him multiple questions.

“How do you feel?”

Sy got slightly angrier.

“I feel angry that you got Nell to do this.”

“Great!”

“GREAT?! HOW IS THIS GREAT, AME?”

Ame ignored his question and asked him another question that caught me off guard.

“What do you think Nell was thinking when he said that?”

I didn’t even know what I was thinking during it. How was Sy supposed to know? Did Ame know?

“I don’t know. Everything he said was… kind of accurate, but I don’t know how he could see that. It hurt. I know you can see internal worlds, but I didn’t know you could read them.”

The truth is, I never saw those in him. I was searching within my own mind to find insults, not his. And Ame seemed to know that.

“He didn’t, Sy. Look inside Nell. Neither of you are great at that, but you’re getting better. Both of you share those faults. Except the hat one.”

Sy looked into my eyes, as if he was trying to search for something. I was very nervous, especially after what Ame said. He wasn’t wrong, but I didn’t want to admit that he was right. I was shaking a little.

Sy stopped looking into my eyes and spoke.

“You’re right. Those words came from him, not me. But how is this supposed to help? You’re just exposing Nell’s insecurities to me.”

“I guess I am doing that, sorry Nell!”

It was a little late for that. I really didn’t want people to know. I didn’t want to be extra aware of it either. Ame could read them from me, so as much as I hated that he knew that about me, it was inevitable. But Sy couldn’t read them, and I wanted to keep them hidden from anybody I looked up to.

Ame spoke as if to console me.

“It’s okay Nell, knowing each other is important for communication.”

“...Really?”

“Yes, that's why I told him.”

I was rather relieved. I was glad it helped me, but I still was uncomfortable with it.

“Anyways Sy, I told Nell to do this for two reasons. One was to help him, and the second was to help you see something.”

Sy looked confused at Ame, but signaled with his head for him to continue speaking.

“Do you think Kaya looked inside you to tell you to leave, or did she look inside herself? Was it a personal attack, or was it what Nell had just done to you? This is the essence of outbursts, Sy. I know about this from my own experiences. This is why I don’t get that hurt by things people say, as long as I can tell where it’s coming from. Among other reasons, of course!”

Sy stood there, bewildered. It took him a second to regain his wits, but when he did, he looked elated.

“Thank you Ame! Thank you Nell! I still don’t know how to tell where it’s coming from, but I can learn! You know how much I needed this. You’re all my only family, and I don’t want to lose anybody again.”

I didn’t really help. I just did what Ame told me to. But at least I felt like I understood Sy more. I still wanted to understand him even more. It was a weird feeling. No matter how much I understood them, the yearning to know more never stopped. It was equivalent to a wild animal eating and eating and never being able to feel full. So, I’d keep eating. I’d stay with everybody and keep learning. It’s what I wanted to do.

Knowing what I was made to do mattered as well, but I didn’t know what I’m supposed to do yet. I didn't know my purpose.

This line of thought was making me rather sad, so I had to take my mind off of it. Sy grabbed mine and Ame’s hand and dragged us back to camp, where Kaya and Dominic were already lying down in their tent. It was rather late. Tomorrow would be the day we left for the fort, and the day I got to see if I was strong enough to protect everybody. I was rather excited to fight alongside everybody. It would be the first time I was conscious for it.

I laid down in between Sy and Ame in the tent as I closed my eyes. I felt as if I could understand their feelings as they laid beside me. It was all I wanted.

I hadn’t eaten yet, but I felt as full as I could ever feel.

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