The Demon Lord’s Butler, Fettuccine Alfredo

“Hey, hey, Kazuki?” Sharlotte’s halo bobbed sideways as she peeked over the edge of my spring. “Why’re you bubbling so much? You’re all sparkly today.”

“It’s it obvious? I was just thinking about our Port City trip, and how nice it’d be to stay here forever. Hikikomori style. This place really does feel like home now.”

Sharlotte flopped onto the warm marble, wings half-soaking in my waters. “How fancy! Let’s do it. Let’s be lazy lumps forever, float around, never lift a feather again. Gurgle*!”

“Like I’d let you!” I splashed her halo with a tiny flick of [Holy Geyser]. “Every upgrade, the new baths, the better beds, it’s like they’re all taunting me. Every improvement makes me drool more! I’m not into teasing myself this badly! I wanna soak all of this in while in Human form so baaddd!”

“Aww. So dramatic.” She spewed a fountain of water out of her mouth, grinning sleepily. “What changed from yesterday? Maybe it’s just you wanting to get hands-on with some of us, huh?”

“Don’t say it like that!”

“You still liked it. Lovey-dovey office hours.”

“Shut it! It wouldn’t have been bad, but Rin’s Father is the Guild Auditor! We lost all our Gold in that lawsuit! And I’d do it again! But there’s no way we’re gonna do all the work while you snore. Get up! Nap number five is cancelled!”

“Waaah– So heartless…” Sharlotte rolled over. “At least ten more–”

“Ah!” The Succubus Chika beamed at the entrance as if she saw a familiar friend. “It’s Fettuccine!”

“I am honored to be called as you wish.” The impeccably dressed butler bowed low. “But it’s Alfredo.”

He was Fettuccine Alfredo, the Demon Lord’s own butler. Crisp black suit. Gloves as white as a tombstone. Ofuda suit pocket headkerchief. Hair slicked back so smooth, even Sharlotte’s halo reflected in it.

He bowed deeper. “Milord inquired about your waters, Sir Dungeon Core. I have come to taste them on his behalf.”

“How polite! You must’ve come far. Want to test our baths yourself? I’ll run Healing Flow Level 100 just for you.”

“That is thoughtful, but… I am Undead.”

“Not Human? Oh, that explains the ofuda. Then… Unholy Flow Level 100?”

“Also, incorrect. Healing Flow would damage me, Unholy Flow would muddle my skin. Ideally, I would like an energy siphon, an [Energy Drain Flow] for high-mana spirits like myself.”

It appeared I had a lot to discover!

I sparkled. “You’re the first customer who’s requested it! Great! Done! Just give me five minutes so I can convince Sharlotte to be the source.”

“Not happening!”

“It’ll put you into a nice rest.”

“You think?”

As I fizzed, Alfredo’s crisp posture didn’t even twitch. Sharlotte poked him with a feather. “So polite. Hey, Alfredo, can you cook?”

He blinked. “Madam, I am a steward. I specialize in mansion governance, diplomacy, and assassination management, not pasta.”

“Aww.” Sharlotte drooped. “But your name is Fettuccine—”

“It is Alfredo, Madam.”

I expressed my interest in meeting the Demon Lord. More Humans, Demon-kin, and Monsters had made our Spa more versatile, but hadn’t made me gain the Ability to replicate a human body.

Seeing that Alfredo was an Undead was highly interesting.

If I wasn’t before, I was now absolutely certain that the more powerful creatures, rare Monsters, and the Demon-kin, if not the Demon Lord himself, were necessary customers!

“I can’t say anything wrong about Milord. But if you ask for my personal opinion, he’s an asshole.”

“Say so for the start!”

“He would stand toe to toe with you, sir.”

“Are you picking a fight?”

“Milord has little use for waters that don’t entreat him to the maximum.” Alfredo bowed lightly. “Milord is reasonable. He has claimed many Dungeon Cores of his own within his territory.”

“How do they compare to here?”

“The main difference is that your waters don’t discriminate. I was once Human and value this. The other day, Milord expressed interest in your Spa.”

We gave him a souvenir.

Back at the Demon Lord’s castle, this beautiful crystal bottle was smashed against the black marble and red carpet.

“You dare gift me bathwater from my subjects?!” The Demon Lord’s roar echoed down gilded hallways.

Alfredo knelt, calm as ever. “Milord. The Dungeon Core meant only to share–”

“Equality is insulting. Next, will they sell my washed hair to villagers as souvenirs?” He glared at the smashed bottle. “Return. Learn more. Find a better reason I should bathe with peasants. There has to be a better reason why our people are so fascinated with that place.”

“Forgive me, Milord. I have been misjudged in believing you wanted this gift. I saw you with a Kazuki Sacred Spa leaflet the other day.”

“It wasn’t that I was eyeing it because I wanted to go to the Spa, but because I’m curious why the Human Kingdom would allow such a thing to pass. You have shamed me, Alfredo. Return to the Spa.”

The Demon Lord was hard to convince to soak in our waters because our Spa didn’t discriminate. Who would have thought that our selling point would work against us when it came to our most important target?

Back at the Sacred Spa, Alfredo returned, stoic as ever.

“Apologies, Sir Kazuki.” He explained. “Milord rejects your offer of equal bathing. He is… particular.”

“He’s an asshole, huh?”

Alfredo coughed gently behind his glove. “That word… applies.”

I swirled, thoughtful. “Then let’s do something so luxurious he can’t turn it down! A franchise restaurant? Gilded VIP bath? A whole spa just for him?”

Alfredo held up a gloved finger. “Pardon me, sir. Might I humbly propose… a bar?”

Sharlotte perked up. “A bar? In our Spa?”

“A small, exclusive bar, only for top-paying guests. Rare vintages. Expensive spirits. Private tables with views of the forest above. Even Milord cannot resist an exclusive tasting menu.”

I pulsed. “That’s genius! Not a whole restaurant, too much risk, but a bar! Even better, I’ll bring an izakaya to this world! Booze brings in Gold and gossip. He won’t dare ignore that!”

Sharlotte drooled. “I want a fancy drink.”

“You’ll drool in the pool.”

“I’ll bless it first.”

“You can’t bless something so nasty!”

Alfredo inclined his head, utterly unruffled. “Consider it my personal recommendation, Sir Dungeon Core. If Milord sees the profit and private sociability, he may come in person.”

My Core flared bright as Gold. “Alfredo, you are hired!”

He raised one brow. “I must decline. I have sworn eternal loyalty to Milord.”

“Then you’re half-hired! You’re now my spy waiter in the Demon Lord’s ear! Congratulations! Uniforms come as a sharp suit or a frilly maid. Your choice.”

“Give him the frilly one!” Sharlotte squawked.

Alfredo did not flinch. “Sir. Madam. I shall pass the suggestion along. I remain, as always, your humble intermediary. Milord can be problematic, but I care for him dearly. I do not have a choice in who I serve, but I’m glad it is him.”

He was so well spoken! What a shame! However, we would use this to our advantage! Yes! Precisely because he was the Demon Lord’s aide, the nearest to my SSSR customer’s ear! Keeping in touch with Alfredo will be like how I used Sharlotte as my proxy before, while in the flask, but now, as a voice in the Demon Lord’s chamber itself!

And so, the Sacred Spa’s next expansion was decided.

“Chika! And gyaru-oh Wizard! I need you to brew me something dangerous!”

“Wow!” Chika exclaimed after a strong sip. “You’re such a wicked Dungeon Core, Kazuki. I can’t take it anymore.”

“Guuuuh!! IT BURNS!! THIS IS UNDRINKABLE, LIKE TOTALLY! WHY DO WE HAVE TO KEEP INCREASING THE CONCENTRATION??”

“I’ve seen drunks before! You’re far from collapsing before catching the last train home!”

“That’s after many drinks, not one! Have you ever had a drink before, like totally?!”

New Sign: Dangerous Concoctions!

This was the innovative izakaya at the Hotel, small but stylish. A new reason for Monsters, Humans, Demon-kin, and maybe even the Demon Lord to drink from the same tap.

A new rumor was born: if you soaked long enough in Kazuki’s baths, you could sip a drink that made you forget your species.

The more equal you felt, the more Gold you’d drop. That was how it should be! And if the Demon Lord wanted a taste, we’d be ready.