Food Services! Bring Me Your Best Chef!

A polite couple, a glacial Yuki-Onna and Yuki-Otoko, recently visited our Spa, leaving icicles in their path. When they said they weren’t a fan of hot spring water, I was able to offer just the thing thanks to collecting their Abilities!

New [Ability: Icy Waters]!

The ice bath attracted new customers, particularly athletes and clients on self-improvement journeys. I wouldn’t let it end there; I knew there were massive success opportunities with this rare Ability.

Klink! Ice cubes danced in glasses served at ‘Dangerous Concoctions!’

Our new cold drinks became a major hit!

The izakaya’s popular success was so impressive that building a neighboring restaurant was now on the table. Our clients would love a classy meal when their appetite for simple snacks and skewered soy chicken was sated.

Today, a major restaurant chain based in the Capital was looking to expand.

“Well, sir?” urged the old owner impatiently, adjusting his gold-rimmed monocle and tipping his absurdly tall top hat.

There were whole dungeon ecosystems that made up the food chain of eat or be eaten. So much so that Dungeon Gourmet was a respected profession. It was always possible to find a direction in which Monsters, Humans, and Demon-kin benefited from each other’s nutritional value.

I found all of this to be fascinating.

However, the ideas of this restaurant chain owner were odd.

“I haven’t got all day to dawdle with colonial rabble, you know! The kingdom wasn’t built on idleness of foreigners loiterin’ about, only selling healing baw’le o’ waugh’ers, eh wot!”

That was so heavily accented I doubted the poshest of posh people understood what he was saying.

“I can smell the effort behind your chef’s filet steaks, even without using [Ability: Acid] to digest them. But since you used one of my clients as a sauté base, I can’t have this anywhere near our Spa!”

“Well! That’s the circle of life, inn’it? Crab Monsters boil crab. Beastfolk hunt lesser beasts. Surely you see the sense.”

“I understand that, but–”

“Oi! Boy!” The old owner’s Beastfolk wage-slave stiffened, tail bristling as he turned sharply on him. “Fetch me another sample tray. Or is your breed too soft to follow instructions? We simply elevate the dining class, show the lower species how best they can serve the exquisite upper table.”

“I get a sense of your hospitality. I don’t need another sample. The image of serving our clients the same species as a meal doesn’t sit well with me! We could serve the Crab-Men-and-Women cooked crab if they wish, but never fellow Crab-Men-and-Women!! Delectably speaking, it may be delicious, but morally speaking, it’s beyond sour!”

What was this monocled maniac thinking?! This was a terrible look for our Spa!

I didn’t want to turn away this business magnate, but I couldn’t waver on this one point. For now, much to their anger, I thoughtfully and politely declined the offer from the major restaurant chain. In fact, I floated with them all the way to the exit and bowed more times than I could count on my non-existent fingers.

“Kick them out!” I barked. “This is the Kazuki Sacred Spa! Our restaurants will overtake yours by next year! Idiot! Idiot!”

“Please calm down, Master!”

His monocle got crooked. “Are you… The Head Guild Auditor’s daughter?” The fancy old restaurateur didn’t stand a chance. “Why, young lady, shouldn’t you be polishin’ books, not prattlin’ here barkin’ at your betters, dressed like a– a fiancée–?”

“Say that about my worker again. Say fiancée again, and I’ll have her tally up exactly how much interest our Spa charges for wasting our air.”

“It’s fine. Shouldn’t you be somewhere that doesn’t serve our people’s tails on silver platters?”

“Rin. Permission to bankrupt them?!”

“Master, you’re so reckless when you’re horny for war!”

“Out. OUT! Take your Monster mince menu back to the capital! If you’re hungry for tails, try your own!”

The monocle man stumbled for the exit, the gate spinning shut behind him.

Rin let out a delicate sigh, adjusting her cap back into perfect alignment. “Next time, would you please warn me before threatening to upend an entire restaurant economy?”

“Sure, but we’ll go through this to the end! We’ll serve the best food! And I have a secret plan! A perfect plan!”

We’d offer the delicacies I ate in Japan! Japanese cuisine, Italian cuisine, French cuisine, the list went on! With this, we’d make the best menu everrr!

…That’s what I wanted to say.

But I was a gacha gamer. A world-class puller of limited-time waifus and hazubandos. Not a nutritionist. Not a chef. Not even a hobby cook. I ate healthily, but the fanciest meals I prepared were done by pressing ‘confirm’ on a convenience store bento.

Waaah! Damn it!

Why were there so few cooking-themed gacha games?! I would’ve rolled those banners! I would’ve learned proper cutting skills if the kitchen knife had a skin! Why, oh why, is prepping a steamy dish more difficult than perfectly timing an in-game cooking slider?!

Rin watched me spiral, pen flicking scores like a judge at a talent show. “You done?”

“Oh, one point off perfect.” Sharlotte flew in, curious.

“No!” I pulsed hotter and defiantly. “This is nothing! We’ll brute force this like everything else! We’ll use what you’re doing right now!”

“What? Rin’s scoreboard?”

“Yes, talent judging! We’ll hire the best who can blast that old man’s top hat right off with foodgasms and flashbacks!”

“Oh, I see! The best of the best! A cook-off!”

“Brilliant, in it’!” I beamed before cringing. “Ew, I don’t wanna pick that up.”

“Master, do you even understand how much debt you’re in already?” Rin snapped, clipboard trembling as she prepared to flash me with the vicious truth.

“Of course I do! It’s exactly… wait, Rin, how many digits is that number again? You're showing off Affection Points, right? Right?!”

“Too many. If this Spa were a Guild quest, the billboard posting would be: Bankruptcy (Epic Rank).”

“Rin, you underestimate me. Bankruptcies are like gacha banners. You lose nine times, game the tax deductions, then the tenth time, you win! Jackpot!”

“Jackpot, you say?! The only thing you’ll roll is my patience!”

Sharlotte yawned behind her halo. “Mmm… sounds like you two are flirting again…”

“WE ARE NOT FLIRTING!” Rin and I yelled harmoniously.

“Well, if you have decided on this, I’ll prepare the paperwork.”

“Gahaha! You know me so well, Rin! Paperwork for when we inevitably pay them in–”

“Paperwork for the flyers that Sharlotte will sky-drop above the villages, right?” She leaned in. “Not for when you pay them in useless, shiny, nowhere-near-legal Gems?”

“H-How will we afford the contest stage and restaurant?”

“When I started here, I felt it was cute because you wanted to keep me. But do it to new employees, and your vaults will be at risk of being auctioned for a real salary.”

“The competitors would bankrupt my precious treasury for a single paycheck?! Why would we hire such a scary chef?”

“Oh yeah… Why was my last paycheck in only Gems, Kazuki?”

“Y-You of all people should know–! Ladies, come on. Double-teaming me is…”

Under the glare of both of them, Rin’s pen braced against the base of my core. “After this, you triple my Gold rate and I’ll consider letting you live.”

“Triple?!”

“Everyone’s!” Sharlotte added, her halo droning dangerously.

“Quadruple if I catch you lazing with Sharlotte and not moving construction materials.”

“Sharlotte, I’d say dream on, but… Deal.” I hummed. “And Rin, triple’s cheap for you.”

Rin hugged her ledger tight, pen tapping the page even though the numbers were long finished. She drew in a small breath, bracing for the storm that was always me.

“Master…”

“Did you hit your head recently? If you keep saying things like that, the new chefs will get the wrong idea.”

I pulsed brighter. “What idea?”

“That they can… that they can make moves on me too!” Sharlotte blurted stupidly.

“Like they’d dare?! And bankrupt us again?! It’s only because our izakaya was such a major success that we’re even alive right now! This new restaurant has to be our home run to keep us in the green of profits. We’ll multiply everything we built before.”

“Right. We can’t have Borkas hauling food barrels every evening forever. It ruins my nap number seven.”

“Exactly! Sometimes you throw the dice when the payout’s worth it. I’ll feed the whole kingdom if I have to, and when they’re stuffed, they’ll crawl right back to our baths and beds begging for more catering! We’ll offer a massive Gold and Gem prize for this limited-time event, too! Rin, Sharlotte, do well to contain my cook-off, clean my ledgers, and corner my chefs!”

“And where will this prize come from?” Rin inquisitively took into consideration.

“I’ve got the last stash of Gold inside my altar.”

“That old stash? From when we first started our Spa? Isn’t that your final piggy bank?”

“Sob*. Yes!”

Rin’s lashes flicked down. “You’re really spending your Gold this time? Not my paycheck?”

“Your disbelief wounds me! I can gamble on this matter because it’s you, Rin. You keep this whole Spa from collapsing under my idiot schemes.”

“Hmmm?” Her cheeks flushed warm, pen braced tight between her fingers. She flicked her ledger at my rim in a soft smack. “Dummy. Just swear you’ll stay out of the kitchen.”

“Stay out of the kitchen? With you looking that smug? Where do you get off acting like I can’t break you twice as hard as this cook-off? If this fails, it’s triple your due. Triple your salary, triple your debt. All mine!”

“No… that’s not fair–! Show me your kind side!”

“Oh, greedy girl. That’s why we love you. Fine. I’ll give you every ounce of the credit. When this contest makes us famous, they’ll worship the Dungeon Core’s precious clerk. They won’t know you’re the one chained to my altar every night to make the numbers work.”

“I wouldn’t stake my last paycheck on this unplanned– I wouldn’t–”

“But I would. On you. I’d wager this entire Spa for you.”

“Then… you’re an idiot…”

“Rejoice! How about you, Sharlotte?!”

“Works perfectly with me,” Sharlotte confirmed.

“You’d wager it on yourself, too! The old you wouldn’t, but the new you would! We believe in you, Rin! A lifelong gacha gamer and a sloth Angel without a need for money believes in you! You dragged us into this mess. You’ll drag us out. And you’ll thank me for every new scandal we drown in!”

“Master, how’s that supposed to be encouraging– Future scandals? Master, what future scandals–?!”

“Gahahaha! Tomorrow, we cook!”

New Sign: ULTIMATE SPA GOURMET COOK-OFF! WINNER EARNS GEMS, GOLD, GLORY, AND A PERMANENT PERSONALIZED KITCHEN!