Chapter 15: Mimic

“Hello everybody!” Thompson screamed. “We’re ready for the next match to begin!”

She gestured to the arena.

“First up, we’ve got a major Major from the Civil War! He’s a famed warrior known for training Theo Roosevelt, as well as for defeating the notorious Free Silver Gang twice over! He’s a man of rare capacity, whose kindly nature and lovable traits knows no bounds! Let’s hear it, for [The Napolean of Protection], Will McKinley!”

McKinley walked in wearing a suit of tin armor carrying a pair of hatchets: one made of silver, the other gold. His fans greeted him with waves from their tin banners and signs while beating their hands against tin buckets and cans.

“For his opponent!” Thompson continued, “We have the big cowboy of the New Dealers! He’s crude, he’s crass; he’s a real-life son of a gun! But whatever may be said about him, one thing remains certain: this man understands power! He knows where to find it and he knows how to use it. And Lord; this man means to use it! Give it up, for [Landslide Landon], Landon B. Johnson!”

A helicopter flew over the stadium. The crowd looked up, cheering as LBJ popped out its door waving to the spectators below. He wore his usual cowboy outfit together with a golden watch, golden belt buckle, and golden cufflinks cut in the shape of Texas; each piece of his audacious outfit proudly bearing the letters “LBJ.”

LBJ stepped out of the copter as it landed to the ground, shooting a cold sneer as he walked to his opponent.

“Why ain’t this a bigger shock than tits on a bull!” LBJ exclaimed. “How come you, the man known for never wanting to see another war in his life, went and entered this tournament with so much gusto, huh?”

“Well, you see—”

“Personally!” LBJ interjected, stepping in front of McKinley, “I’m guessing your decision went a little like this!”

LBJ snatched McKinley’s helmet off his head and placed it atop his own large noggin.

“Heavens me!” LBJ exclaimed in a perfect imitation of McKinley’s voice. “What ever shall I, Will McKinley, do regarding this upcoming Revolutionary War? I swore to myself I’d never go into another battle unless God approved, but alas, he does not answer my prayers!”

LBJ rubbed his chin, then gave an exaggerated snap of his fingers.

“I know!” he exclaimed, “I’ll do what I always do: put my ear to the ground and blindly follow the will of the people!”

At that, LBJ plopped his ear onto the dirt floor, inciting a wave of laughs from the stands. LBJ instantly stood up, taking off the helmet and puffing out his chest.

“Bully!” he exclaimed in Theo Roosevelt’s characteristic high-pitched voice, “What a fool I, Theo Roosevelt, was for having a straddlebug like McKinley take command of a star like me! Why, McKinley has no more backbone than a chocolate éclair!” he pointed to his own ear covered in dirt, “And his ear’s so close to the ground, it’s filled with grasshoppers!”

The audience erupted in laughs at LBJ’s unexpected performance, giving a surge of applause as LBJ met them with a bow. LBJ straightened his back, turning eagerly towards McKinley as he awaited his response. McKinley stood still for a moment, then gave a light snort.

“Oh, heck!” he said with a chuckle. “How can I not laugh at something as funny as that?” He gave a light applause with genuine cheer. “Bravo; bravo my good man! It’s truly an honor to have been made the subject of a mimic as talented as yourself!”

LBJ scrunched up his nose as he forced a smile onto his face.

“Of course…” he mumbled, tossing the helmet back to him.

Taft eyed the fighters as McKinley put his helmet on, covering the last of his body in shining tin armor.

“It appears that both fighters are ready to go,” Taft exclaimed as he raised his gavel into the air, “so let the match…begin!”

As Taft’s hammer crashed onto the floor, LBJ stuck his hand straight down his pants

“Hey McKinley!” he shouted, “Let me show you something that’ll really knock you off your feet!”

“By the love of Heaven!” McKinley squealed, casting his gaze from LBJ, “Please do not!”

“Oh, get your head out of the gutter!” LBJ quipped, pulling out a handkerchief covering up his hand. “There’s women and children here for Pete’s sake!”

“I’m glad you’re aware of that much at least…” McKinley replied, turning back to examine LBJ’s cloth. “What’s that?”

“An experiment,” LBJ said with a smirk. “You’ve already shown everyone here that you can handle my character assassinations no problem…” he drew back the cloth, revealing a shining revolver in his hand. “Now let’s see how you handle yourself against a real assassination!”

LBJ fired two shots from his gun. The bullets struck McKinley’s armor, only to plop harmlessly to the ground with a shallow clang. LBJ looked to McKinley, down to his undented bullets, then back over to McKinley.

“Ah heck,” LBJ remarked, tossing his weapon to the ground, “my cousin Iver swore this gun of his would be enough to take you down…”

LBJ studied McKinley as the crowd burst into laughs around them.

I wasn’t really expecting those bullets to do much against [The Napoleon of Protection], LBJ thought, but I had hoped they’d at leave a smudge on that ugly armor of his…

“Are you just about finished now?” McKinley asked with a raise of his axe. “If so, I’d like to go and have my turn.”

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LBJ Imitating McKinley. Lyndon Johnson was very good at imitating people in real-life. In the novel, Landon Johnson uses this talent to reference several insults that were made against the real-life William McKinley, notably that he blindly followed the orders of his benefactor Marcus Hanna and that he caved in easily to public opinion. This latter insult led people to say William McKinley “kept his ear so close to the ground that it was full of grasshoppers,” and Theodore Roosevelt in particular to say “McKinley has no more backbone than a chocolate éclair.”

Assassination. Landon Johnson shooting Will McKinley is a rough approximation of what happened with the real assassination of William McKinley by Leon Czolgosz (though in real-life the shots landed successfully). The weapon Czolgosz used was an Iver Johnson revolver, hence Landon’s comment about his “cousin Iver.”