Chapter 16: Cross of Gold

LBJ jumped back as McKinley swung out one of his axes, its blade grazing against LBJ hand.

“OUCH!” LBJ screamed dramatically as he shook his lightly injured arm.

McKinely charged ahead as LBJ took a hasty step back, his foot slipping out from underneath him, causing LBJ to tumble to the ground. McKinley jerked himself back, stepping away as LBJ hit the floor.

“Are you alright there?” McKinley asked. “Do you want me to give you a minute to get yourself back up?”

“…no…” LBJ snarled, throwing up his hand, tossing a pile of dirt into McKinley’s face. “I wanted you to get closer!”

“Heavens!” McKinley coughed loudly as clumps of dirt passed through his helmet.

“Take this!” LBJ screamed, leaping off the ground and smashing his fist into McKinley’s helmet.

However, McKinley did not so much as flinch from the impact of LBJ’s titanic punch.

“That wasn’t very nice,” McKinley remarked, swinging his axe, landing a small cut against LBJ’s chest.

“YEOWCH!” LBJ screamed, jumping back and blowing on his microscopic wound.

“Come now!” McKinley exclaimed with cheer. “Stop whining every time you get yourself a little scratch.”

“Easy for you to say!” LBJ snarled. “After all, your EP makes it so that anything hitting your tacky suit of armor loses all its momentum!”

“…oh?” McKinley replied with a soft smile. “And what makes you say that?”

LBJ pointed to the bullets he fired lying on the ground.

“It’s pretty clear you want everyone to think your EP just boosts your defenses like crazy,” he explained, “but if that really were the case, then my bullets wouldn’t have just plopped down after hitting your ugly armor, and my hand would still be aching from the heavy punch I just gave you! No, the only way any of this makes sense is if you’re somehow eliminating the force from my attacks the moment they touch your crummy metal armor. Moreover, I’m certain your EP has to work only for that specific suit of armor you’re wearing!”

McKinely raised an eyebrow.

“And what makes you think that?”

“Because,” he replied with a sinister smile, “no one with a working pair of eyes would ever go out wearing such a hideous outfit made from a worthless metal like tin if they didn’t have to!”

“…interesting,” McKinely spoke with a faint growl underneath his smiling face, “that is certainly a very interesting conclusion for you to come to…but I’m afraid you’re just a tad off in your analysis there, friend.”

“How’s that?”

“You see,” McKinley went on, “my Executive Power: Protective Tariff severely weakens the force of any incoming attacks directed towards me or anything that I’m wearing,” he explained, emphasizing his final words. “In particular, my choice of armor has no bearing whatsoever on my EP!” He slammed his hand proudly against his metal chest. “No, I wear this masterpiece of Ohio craftsmanship solely from the love and pride I feel for my glorious State!”

McKinley’s fans burst into a roar of cheers from the stands as LBJ shook his head.

“Oh yeah?” LBJ snided. “Well, if you’re so in love with tin, then why are you wearing that funky thing on your head?”

“…on my head?”

McKinley placed a hand atop his helmet, feeling something strange wrapped along its edges. Curious, McKinley took off his helmet, noticing something odd digging into its rim.

“Oh my,” McKinley remarked as he examined the object further, “is this some sort of…golden crown of thorns?”

McKinley continued staring at the crown, stopping as LBJ started charging towards him. Hastily, McKinley put back on his helmet and swung out his axe, only for LBJ to easily dodge the impromptu attack.

“Executive Power!” LBJ bellowed as he revved up a punch, “War on Poverty!”

LBJ smashed his fist into McKinley’s neck, but McKinely remained unmoved.

“Really now,” McKinely remarked as he readied up his axe, “you know you can’t hurt me with such feeble attacks.”

“We’ll see about that!” LBJ snarled, jumping back from McKinley’s counter.

As LBJ spoke, a shining, golden cross instantly materialized around McKinley’s neck.

“What the…?” McKinley asked, taking a step back as he ran his fingers along the golden object. “How in Heaven’s…?”

“I hope you like that necklace there, `friend’…” LBJ sneered as he slammed his fists together.

LBJ pulled his hands apart, and as he did so, a pair of diamond encrusted brass knuckles engraved with the letters “LBJ” formed around his fingers.

“…’cause before you know it,” LBJ barked, “you’re going to be crucified upon that cross of gold!”

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Crown of Thorns and Cross of Gold. The golden items placed on Will McKinley are a reference to the famous “Cross of Gold” speech made by William McKinley’s political rival William Jennings Bryan, with the ending of this speech concluding with the lines “You shall not press down upon the brow of labor this crown of thorns; you shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of gold.” These words referenced how William McKinley was pressing for keeping the United States on a monetary system based entirely on gold, as opposed to a system based on both gold and silver advocated by William Jennings Bryan.