A Reason to Fight: Part Three

Lina froze, her carving knife blade only a hair's breadth above the wooden cross's surface. She looked up at him for a moment, searching and keen, then looked down again, her attention going back to her job.

"Maybe," she said, her voice almost audible above the church's resonant hush.

Shen saw a slight tremble in her fingers as her hands returned to their delicate occupation. Although it was a faint, nearly undetectable shudder, it revealed the stiff poise she was struggling to keep.

Shen stepped forward a little, bringing himself down to eye level. He said, "The woman who called you inside earlier," in a purposefully soft tone. "She seemed worried about you."

Lina froze her hands. She let out a silent breath. She stated, "She’s always worried," in a tone free of resentment. "It’s her way of showing she cares."

"And you?" Shen asked, carefully selecting his words. "Do you care about her?"

For a long period, Shen believed Lina would not respond as her lips formed a thin, white line. However, the severity in her demeanor melted when she looked him in the eye.

Lina whispered, "She's like a mother to me." "She only reprimands me when she believes she is assisting. However, there are some things that she doesn't comprehend.

As her fingers brushed the cross's smooth, incomplete edge, her eyes fell once again. "Things no one here understands."

Her comments caused a deep aching to throb in Shen's chest. Although he was unaware of the type of load she bore, he could hear it in the deliberate rhythm of her speech and sense its enormous weight in her eyes.

With a sharp, annoying creak, the heavy door at the far end of the church opened before he could reply. Like a pebble dropped into motionless water, the sound broke the silence. Lina's eyes widened in panic as her head jerked up. A group of priests entered, their words low and halting as they made their way down the nave, and Shen halted, his eyes following hers.

Lina's response was instinctive and quick. As she stood up quietly, her hand sprang out and unexpectedly tightened around Shen's wrist. "We must depart," she muttered, her voice shaking with an unexpected intensity.

"What’s going on?" Shen questioned, his forehead furrowing in perplexity.

"Not here," Lina ordered, dragging him to the side aisle that was shaded. She proceeded quickly but cautiously, glancing at the priests as they made their way farther into the church. Shen let himself be guided, becoming more perplexed with each quiet step.

They melted into the darkness as they hid behind a large stone column. Shen could feel Lina's hand tightening on his wrist as she breathed raggedly and shallowly next to him. The words of the priests came through more clearly from where they were hiding.

"She hasn’t been attending services as often," one of them remarked in a conjectural tone.

"Not since she was seen with that man," someone other said. "The supposed general."

After that, there was a pause, and the quiet was thick with implied meaning.

You think it's suspicious? How could a priestess spend time with such a man? She is even more private now than she was before.

"She was always quiet, but this… this is different."

Shen gave Lina a quick look. In the low light, her features were tense and her face looked pale. She kept her eyes away from him, concentrating on the little auxiliary door at the rear of the church.

One of the priests said in a low, accusing voice, "What if she’s hiding something?"

Lina didn't wait for further information. As she guided Shen to the rear exit, she pulled on his wrist once again with an aggressive grip. Behind them, the sound of the priests' scathing murmurs faded as they slipped out into the cool evening air.

After they were outside, Lina let go of his wrist and took a trembling breath while leaning for support against the church's chilly stone wall. Shen kept a close eye on her, his thoughts whirling.

With a controlled tone, he inquired, "What was that about?"

Lina slumped her shoulders. Without humor, she let forth a sour laugh. "What are your thoughts? They believe I have broken my vows since they witnessed me with a male. They believe that I have sinned.

Shen scowled as his perplexity grew. However, why would that be so important? You're simply—"

"A priestess?" Lina cut in with a glass-sharp voice. We aren't meant to be 'just' anything. We are meant to be unadulterated, loyal, and pure. And if we're not... With shaky hands gripping the wooden crucifix that dangled from a chain around her neck, she drifted off.

As he watched her, the crushing weight of her words settling in, Shen's eyes softened. He said, "What happened?"

Lina's knuckles turned white as she tightened her hold on the cross. It appeared as if she would withdraw into her silence for a moment. Then, however, the words poured out, unvarnished and unadulterated.

As she guided him away from the church, the enormous building creating a deep shadow in the last of the sunset light, the chilly evening air settled around them. They came to a halt in a little, private garden hidden behind the structure; its peace and quiet stood in sharp contrast to the chaos she was experiencing.

When she finally said, "I fell in love," her voice broke. She clutched the wooden cross in her hands like a lifeline. "With a man who didn't live up to his claims. He claimed to be a general, but this was untrue. I am currently carrying his child.

With a raw sensitivity, the words hung thick in the air. Lina's eyes were glistening, the tears threatening to fall but refusing to. Her shoulders shook as though she were carrying the weight of the entire world as she abruptly turned away. "I said a prayer. She went on, her voice becoming softer and more strained with each sentence, "I've pleaded for forgiveness." However, it makes no difference. They will expel me. They will condemn me. And I'm unable to That is too much for me to handle."

The seriousness of her confession sank into Shen's mind as he gazed at her. He struggled to grasp the realization as his mind raced. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He could hardly understand the pain, so what could he say to ease it?

There was a long, oppressive pause between them before Lina spoke again, her voice shaking with a mix of grief and annoyance. "I'm sure you believe I deserve this. that I was the cause of it."

Her comments struck a nerve he hadn't anticipated, and Shen's head snapped up. He began, "I’m not—" but she interrupted him.

"Don’t lie," she replied in a brittle yet harsh voice. "Everybody believes it. They perceive me as a failure. a transgressor. A liar. She turned to face him, her tear-streaked face a mask of defiance, and her breath caught. "Do you know what it’s like to pray every day, to beg for something—anything—that will make it better, only to be met with silence?"

Shen's neck became constricted. He could sense the reality of her suffering, but he had no response for her. He reflected on his own life and the deep apathy he had endured for so long. He never cared enough to ask for anything, never prayed, and never pleaded. And yet here he was, alive, granted another opportunity for no apparent reason.

Finally, in a low but forceful voice, he stated, "I don't think you deserve this."

The intense defiance in Lina's face softened almost imperceptibly when she blinked. With a cautious tone, as though preparing for another blow, she asked, "Then what do you think?"

Shen paused, his mind a jumble of ideas. "I believe... "I believe it's complex," he said. "You were misled. betrayed. You had no control over that. You are not to blame for that.

Lina retorted, "But I still sinned," in a voice that was hardly audible. She traced the carved lines with her thumb as she gazed down at the cross in her hands. "I betrayed my promises. I allowed myself to be duped, and now... Unable to finish, she shook her head and her voice broke. "Now I’m paying the price."

Shen took a step forward, his eyes fixed on him. Slowly, "Maybe you did break your vows," he exclaimed. However, does that imply that you should be expelled? To lose everything? You didn't know any better, so you did it to survive.

Lina's confused eyes darkened as she glanced up at him. "What else could it mean?"

Shen remarked, "It means you’re human," which even surprised him. "You did something wrong. That doesn't diminish your value. It does not preclude you from finding a way to put things right.

Lina's chuckle was a harsh, unpleasant, unjolly sound. And how should I go about doing that? Will the church pardon me, in your opinion? Will the priests who murmur behind my back decide that I'm deserving of salvation? They have already decided how they feel about me.

But then Shen's steady, forceful voice sliced through her pain. She was silenced by the unmistakable certainty in his tone, even though he wasn't attempting to be scary.

"Do you really think that believing in something else will change anything?" Shen inquired, sounding as though he was still learning the meaning of the words as he said them. "You're yelling and screaming about things that you never really had control over. However, the anger, the hurt, all of those emotions remain within of you. You are aware of what hurt you. I am aware that I have never experienced your life or been in your position. But that's all there is to it. I haven't actually lived a life.

In an attempt to understand the significance of his odd admission, Lina cocked her head and stared at him.

"I mean... I have no idea what it's like to have to stand up for what you believe in and act in that manner. However, I am aware of what it's like to feel as though your actions are insignificant. Like no matter how often you pray, nothing changes as a result of your deeds.