A Reason to Fight: Part Four

With the flickering candlelight dancing in his eyes, Shen inhaled deeply.

With a gentle, tentative, yet sincere tone, he questioned, "Why are you so scared of what you don't know?" "You're constantly concerned about what they'll say and think. However, how about you? You are free to maintain what you need and to choose your own beliefs. Are you really afraid of something? Or is it of the unknown—of what they might do, or what you might do?"

Lina responded with a snarling howl that was laden with the weight of years of pain that she had not uttered. "What do you believe in? Salvation? Forgiveness? Will the church pardon me, in your opinion? Is it possible that those who speak behind my back will suddenly change their minds? Long ago, they made up their minds about me. And the reason I ended up in this situation in the first place was my belief.

Shen shot back, his voice growing quieter. "I don't think you need their forgiveness to keep going," he said. "You mentioned feeling as though no one was hearing your prayers. But doesn't that suggest you realized something important if the general who had harmed you was the one who eventually left? If you hadn't experienced your own behaviors, how could you know that you detested them?

Lina's knuckles whitened in the low light as her fingers clenched around the wooden crucifix in her hands.

"Lina," Shen added in a soft yet forceful voice, "you hold yourself responsible for believing at all. But you would have believed in something, even if it wasn't this. Since I'm the contrary, I am aware. I took no action. I simply believed. My opinions changed all the time, but it didn't matter. I never had the experiences that prove my beliefs, so I didn't comprehend any of it."

Her voice was no more than a whisper as she shook her head. She whispered, "You don't understand," her voice cracking. "You have no idea how carrying this feels. must experience its weight each and every day."

"You’re right," Shen conceded, his voice tinged with an empathy that astonished them both. "No, I don't. Your life is unlike any I've ever experienced. Actually, I haven't lived at all. I haven't lived long enough to determine my strength or weakness or even to question my beliefs. However, you are aware of yourself. You are aware that there were more than just "good" or "bad" motivations behind your actions. They were things you could comprehend, not just things that made you happy or sad. I know this because I finally realized how miserable I was in the life I never had. Without sympathy or justifications, I saw why what I had done was wrong. I learned what I was lacking—the drive to live—from my blunders, which had a purpose. It was pointless to believe anyone else's truths or my own lies without that.

He stopped, collecting his thoughts as his eyes met hers, more confident now. "You believe that you can just start over, forget your convictions, and get rid of your errors. You can't, though. Like me, you'd simply come to believe that everything you do is an error. I didn't do anything. I just watched my life go past, day after day, thinking my inaction had wrecked whatever chance I ever had." His lips formed a melancholy smile. "I tried running away from everything, to the quietest places on earth, but it didn't help. I met you the instant I made the decision to act. And now, I think I'm starting to get it."

At last, Lina let her tears fall freely, trailing down her cheeks. Her voice was shaking as she muttered, "So what do you want me to do?" "Just keep moving? Continue "believing" even when it seems like nothing is left.

"No," Shen answered in a firm voice. "Don't merely believe. Take action. "Belief guides action, and action helps you understand belief," my mother used to say. I believe she was correct. Until you put your beliefs into action, you can't really know what they are. All of my running was in vain.

Lina gazed at him, a look of bewilderment mixed with a shaky, nascent hope. "And what if I fail again?"

Simply put, "Then you'll learn," he said. "You know deep down that your actions weren't motivated by undesirable character traits. You could feel the depths of your decisions and the motivations behind them. So why condemn the silence you've been given with the same harshness as those priests, or the church, or even that general? Why not provide the same charity to yourself if you can see that everything must be questioned, including its location, timing, and purpose? Allow yourself to feel perplexed. Acknowledge that your behavior is neither 'good' nor 'bad,' regardless of what others may say. Your quiet is neither "good" nor "bad." It is all gray, just like your suffering. It has layers that you must observe.

She crossed her arms as a barrier against his remarks, and her gaze narrowed. The acrid edge of the fury had melted, but it was still there. "That's not the same," she yelled. "You're not getting it. They judged me, put their standards on me, told me who I had to be, and then left me to deal with the fallout. You have no right to compare me to them.

"I'm not," Shen asserted, his composure unflinching. However, I don't want you to condemn yourself for living a life that is limited to what you are familiar with.

Lina shook her head and laughed bitterly again. "I'm evaluating myself, of course. How can I not, with everything that has transpired?

His anxiety was tinged with fury as he insisted, "Because it's just pulling you back to where you started." "You know your acts weren't random, yet you're criticizing yourself for simply surviving. You've experienced enough life to understand what causes your pain and, more crucially, why. That was never me. I'm exposed to everything because I don't know how to behave in my own life. However, you are aware of the precise location of the wounds. You are fully aware of what not to do.

Her voice was still combative, but her face softened. Why is the reason for my anger important? It makes no difference.

“Because it does!” Shen's tone was determined. You were upset with the things you relied on. You trusted the general because you were afraid. You resorted to God because you were afraid of life. You have now turned the judgment you dreaded from the priests on yourself. I understand how you feel. I lived a life defined by others' reasons, judged for being nothing. One belief will be replaced by another, more harmful one if you flee from it. Belief endures forever. You have to believe whatever they say about you if you really believe you can ignore it. It would imply that you are only a sinner and a transgressor. I understand what it is like to never accept the hand you have been dealt, thus your silence would be the worst mistake of your life.

His eyes were serene but penetrating as he knelt and stared into hers. "We can only try to comprehend the aspects of ourselves that we despise; we cannot give up on them. If not, they turn into fresh responsibilities that will consume you. I will stay here as long as you are still here and have the courage to fight. I won't leave you or act as though I don't understand you. I am aware that I must comprehend the facets of my belief in you, just as you must discover for yourself. I won't treat it the same way I treated my whole life.

Lina gazed at him, her face completely softening as the tears returned. "And what did that get you?"

Shen's mouth clenched. He said, "It got me here," in an emotionally charged voice. "With a second chance I probably don't deserve."

Heavy and resonant, the words hung between them. The flickering of the candles and the soft rustle of the evening breeze were the only sounds for a long time. Shen's thoughts were racing. Would he do something at last? Could he help her and help himself at the same time?

Her lips quivered and her breath hitched as she looked for a response in his expression that she wasn't sure how to ask. Something deep within of him was affected by the unadulterated, genuine agony in her eyes. He remembered the souls he had been shown during his death—their sins, their battles, their decisions.

Have they ever done anything but pray? He pondered. Did they take action?

He felt unprepared. Then he heard a voice, clear and crisp, echoing in his recollection. It’s not about whether you’re ready—it’s about doing what needs to be done.

The hesitation was back in Shen's voice, but it was now backed up by a renewed sense of commitment. "You can't stay stuck in your feelings indefinitely. You can, however, live for them. I came here because of my failure; you got here because of your rage. It can only be changed by taking action. I believe the same is true for you. He inhaled deeply to steady himself. He stated resolutely, "I will train to become a commander," "The laws of the kingdom will protect you as my wife if I am successful. You’ll have shelter, protection, and support. Until I finish my training, no one needs to know. We can both start afresh after that. You can raise your child without worry."

His heart thumping, he stared at her. "I don't know everything. I'm not even sure whether any of this is correct. However, I would like to assist you if you let me to. I'm not trying to convince you of anything, not even of me, if you don't want to. but to do action at last.

Lina's breath caught as her lips parted. There was a flash of something softer than previously in her tear-streaked eyes.

"Marry you?" she muttered, the words dripping with skepticism. "Why would you do that, exactly?"

Shen's eyes were steady, but his face was frail. He whispered, "Because everyone deserves a second chance." "And perhaps—perhaps—assisting you will be my first genuine opportunity to live."