Chapter 38

I left for my room as we parted in the hallway. I wished I could hide until we left for Doria, but it had been decided that tomorrow, I would go on a carefully planned tour to boost the morale of the people. Seeing all the preparations and the people readying themselves to go to war for me was the last thing I wanted, and I only hoped it would be over quickly.

I collapsed in bed, staring up at the ceiling. What had I done? They all believed in me, but I wasn’t who they thought I was. I couldn’t do what they wanted me to, and now they would risk their lives to follow me.

I sighed. That promise to Altea had turned out to be something else than I’d expected. I wish I had understood what it meant when I told her I would retake Tarnis. I knew I couldn’t run away this time, and Selene had said that it would only be worse if I turned back. At least now, we still had a chance. I sighed. I guess she was right. But I hadn’t thought it meant leading them to war.

I wondered what Selene was doing. It was the first time in a long while that we didn’t share a bed. I turned, staring at the wall, and then sighed and got up. The hallway was quiet as I carefully made my way to her room. She was lying in bed, but I could see she wasn’t sleeping. She didn’t comment on my coming, though, and only moved to the side, making space to lie next to her. Her back felt warm against mine, and for the first time in a long while, I felt my mind calm.

She was snuggled up against me as I woke up, sleeping quietly. I stirred, and she opened her eyes and gave me a faint smile. I wished I could have stayed there until it was time to leave, but Tarion had said he would meet me at dawn. She took my hand and gently squeezed it, and I sighed and got up.

Tarion was waiting for me in the hallway as I came out of the room.

“Are you ready, my lady?”

I suppressed a sigh and nodded.

He first took me to the massive outer walls, where we watched a change of guards and received a salute from the passing soldiers. They glanced at me with hope in their eyes as we passed, and I shivered. They were willing to go to war because of me. They would risk their lives for the decision I’d made. I almost turned and ran as another soldier saluted me, but I forced myself to follow as Tarion gestured for me to move along.

We then continued to the harbour, where the crew stood in front of their ships and warehouses. The quartermaster gave me an endless list of the inventory, reassuring us that the fortress would be able to hold on its own for 16 months. At least it was over quickly, and when the sun was high enough to warm the air, we stopped by the barracks to have breakfast with the soldiers. Even though I was hungry, their constant glances and whispers made me lose my appetite, and I could barely eat. I wasn’t who they thought I was. I couldn’t do what they wanted me to.

The last stop on our tour was a trip to the massive fortifications on the banks of the river. I had hoped for a quiet moment as we rode there, but the streets were already crowded with locals trying to get a glimpse of their Goddess, and the guards accompanying us made our ride feel claustrophobic. We watched the massive earth walls I had seen from the ship being built, and Tarion pointed out constructions that were yet to begin. So this was what my decision had led to. I sighed.

Luckily, that was the last stop, and we returned to the fortress after that. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t tell them to go to war because of me, my mind screamed at me as Tarion left to attend his duties. At least being a janitor didn’t mean you had to make decisions about other people's lives. Did they really believe that I could defend them as their Goddess had defended their world?